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Author Shorts

  1. Up in the mountains above Hallowed Creek… by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
  2. Why won't you believe me? by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
  3. When Knanslaw’s habituator petered out... by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
  4. Instinctively, Jennings itched the fresh belly wound. by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
  5. Mankind at last eradicated the stain of original sin. by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
  6. The mayor of the decaying urban center fingered the fine gold chain… by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
  7. The priceless Ming vase was broken. by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
  8. Eminent Egyptologist Fitzhume Tweevil by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
  9. I will always be the butcher's son by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
  10. Jake had a fecal quality by Phony Millions on December 30, 1899
  11. What? by Jon Matza on December 30, 1899
  12. Jonny Droppings, a technical school dropout by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
  13. "Do you like games," asked the ectomorph in the black turtleneck by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
  14. "Let the Nuremberg trials begin," cried the small claims judge. by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
  15. It was ever so difficult for Winslow, an exceedingly sensitive boy by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
  16. Short #2 by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
  17. "You've no right!" declared the indignant eighteenth century merchant. by qualcomm on December 30, 1899
  18. What if I start to feel emotions? by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
  19. Lacking the necessary enzymes to digest the entire rabbit at once… by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
  20. We live in a tender, weakened now, by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
  21. What weighs more, a ton of bricks, or a metric tonne of bricks? by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
  22. What's the secret to your success, Mr Sternum? by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
  23. There is little hope of ever making filthy each clean new by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
  24. No single humanoid is better than any other single humanoid! by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
  25. Fortune and Glory, said the pale politician by Phony Millions on December 30, 1899
  26. Numbers are down for July...and this concerns me. by Jon Matza on December 30, 1899
  27. Even the most hardened criminal needs some code to live by. by Jon Matza on December 30, 1899
  28. Please pass the potato chips by Jon Matza on December 30, 1899
  29. Collins carefully rubbed the stone tablet with cotton pads dipped in alcohol. by Jon Matza on December 30, 1899
  30. How glad I am! by Jon Matza on December 30, 1899
  31. Why must she always fixate on what I do wrong, mused Bob, by Jon Matza on December 30, 1899
  32. The Mad Scientist’s Back Room Dealings by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
  33. Ingrid refused to dance on anything but a freshly polished... by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
  34. Parisian Lovescape by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
  35. Tender Anymore by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
  36. High Mohs Member by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
  37. Another Bad Poem by Another Lazy Poet by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
  38. 7-10 split by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
  39. The Love You Eat is Equal to the Love You Shit by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
  40. A Parable Without a Message by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
  41. Hello, hello, it’s so nice of you to come. by Ewan Snow on September 11, 1999
  42. On a certain Satuday in the year of 200- by Ewan Snow on March 05, 2000
  43. Halt, Jaerrold, halt! by qualcomm on May 13, 2001
  44. What happened to little Checter's college fund? by Ewan Snow on May 13, 2001
  45. There are any number of distinguished explanations... by qualcomm on December 13, 2001
  46. How many planets and moons are there in the solar system? by Ewan Snow on March 20, 2002
  47. Chuck Spasnowski, a warlock out of Queens, choked down some Sanka... by qualcomm on March 30, 2002
  48. Sean Connery pulled down his plaited gabardine trousers... by qualcomm on March 30, 2002
  49. Upjohn Dillforth wandered the loamy meadows... by qualcomm on March 30, 2002
  50. Sally put her hand on Dusty’s cheek. by Ewan Snow on March 30, 2002
  51. How dare a pigeon try to pass as a ‘dove’? by Ewan Snow on March 30, 2002
  52. Jerry finished his coffee and asked for the check. by Ewan Snow on April 11, 2002
  53. Despite his grave embarrassment over his hives... by Jimson S. Sorghum on April 15, 2002
  54. Pierre Emantal had harvested many fine pelts that season. by qualcomm on April 15, 2002
  55. Edward held the Wet-Wet Suzy doll over her face... by Ewan Snow on April 15, 2002
  56. Once Fredrick decided that Eileen was dead to him, he wasted no time in plotting her murder. by Ewan Snow on April 15, 2002
  57. I was once told of an old man who lived in East Granby... by Ewan Snow on April 16, 2002
  58. ArtTron IV sipped from its plastic goblet of chilled chardonnay... by qualcomm on April 22, 2002
  59. When Eliza discovered that Alfred was inviting that hussy… by Ewan Snow on April 24, 2002
  60. The boardroom filled up as young Riechek plugged his laptop into the projector. by Ewan Snow on April 24, 2002
  61. Regarding the matter of your grades this semester by Ewan Snow on April 24, 2002
  62. I've just trained my gigantic by qualcomm on April 24, 2002
  63. You're not the captain of this tennis team yet, Cantrell! by qualcomm on April 24, 2002
  64. Chuck the Chukar felt a man's hand reach into the crate to take a hold of him. by Will Disney on April 25, 2002
  65. Dylan Zimmerman taught law at one of the very toughest high schools in New York City. by Will Disney on April 25, 2002
  66. Pete raised his hand. by Will Disney on April 25, 2002
  67. Upon walking into Levitz and finding the Colonial settees of yesteryear… by Jon Matza on April 25, 2002
  68. Dick Gregario pulled into the parking lot… by Phony Millions on April 25, 2002
  69. Sue Rosenlip worked in the bakery at the Price Chopper… by Phony Millions on April 25, 2002
  70. Brad Evans bounced baby Tellulah on his knee. by qualcomm on April 25, 2002
  71. A Christmas Short Short by Ewan Snow on April 27, 2002
  72. Jack had been in the market for a new mattress for some time. by qualcomm on May 07, 2002
  73. Your hands stink of chives by qualcomm on May 15, 2002
  74. In the end, life is an endless contest between your ego and pain. by qualcomm on May 15, 2002
  75. The Funny, Funny Name of Procto Schematticca by Ewan Snow on May 18, 2002
  76. Only perfect girls die in ditches. by Ewan Snow on May 19, 2002
  77. Between the botched Powerpoint presentation and the strip club incident… by qualcomm on June 02, 2002
  78. Would you say that was a mistake? by Will Disney on June 03, 2002
  79. An unspecified number of individuals were engaging in… by Jon Matza on June 03, 2002
  80. What can we learn about ourselves by investigating our clothes? by Ewan Snow on July 03, 2002
  81. Ewan's face was bronzed from the Turkish sun. by Will Disney on July 03, 2002
  82. Ewan gazed at the sunset from the window in the youth hostel in Brussels. by Phony Millions on July 06, 2002
  83. It was our honeymoon. by Jon Matza on July 08, 2002
  84. It is only our second full day at sea and Ewan has already ordered me to swab the poop deck at least four times. by Jimson S. Sorghum on July 08, 2002
  85. I lounged on the beach, following the adventures of David Copperfield. by Ewan Snow on July 08, 2002
  86. Kronos Regalia led his guests through the hedge maze by Ewan Snow on July 11, 2002
  87. Bill Knott, obscure American poet, wiped the sweat off his brow and looked at the digital display. by qualcomm on July 15, 2002
  88. Snow felt his blood boil. by qualcomm on July 24, 2002
  89. Only through torture could Herbert find pleasure. by Ewan Snow on August 01, 2002
  90. First modern use of the word "sirloin" by Mr. Pony on August 06, 2002
  91. Seater stood in a slightly crouched postition, thigh muscles rippling… by Jon Matza on August 06, 2002
  92. Where Dildo’s Dare - A Blowjob in Four Lines by Ewan Snow on August 20, 2002
  93. All of his best ideas were id oriented, know what I mean. by Ewan Snow on August 20, 2002
  94. Tacking yarward, the Count of Monte Cristo drew up alongside the merchant vessel... by qualcomm on August 20, 2002
  95. Draped in cheap chamois, Chamberlain strolled behind the easels... by qualcomm on August 20, 2002
  96. Flat Jokes by qualcomm on August 20, 2002
  97. Esther Sweetbread by qualcomm on August 20, 2002
  98. Somewhere out in our television audience by qualcomm on August 20, 2002
  99. Young Desmond Oliphant craved cock. by Ewan Snow on August 20, 2002
  100. When Edna realized the their hopes were dashed, she decided to sell her shares in Martin’s youth orchestra. by Ewan Snow on August 20, 2002
  101. Lush vegetation encroached on a small clearing dappled in summer sun. by Ewan Snow on August 20, 2002
  102. Call upon your minions to whisper dark lies in your ears, Lucullus by Ewan Snow on August 20, 2002
  103. He whistled the Family anthem. by Ewan Snow on August 20, 2002
  104. Benjamin McGory didn’t believe in second chances. by Ewan Snow on September 21, 2002
  105. Frank knew what was beeswax and what was mumbo-fucking-jumbo. by Ewan Snow on November 05, 2002
  106. Dylan Zimmerman felt claustrophobic as he strolled down lower Broadway by Ewan Snow on December 06, 2002
  107. Behind a rusty dumpster, beneath a wet limp sheet of cardboard… by Ewan Snow on December 09, 2002
  108. The concierge, Leland McCormick, stood at his station with stiff resolve. by Ewan Snow on December 15, 2002
  109. Spud Rogen by qualcomm on December 16, 2002
  110. Henry was sitting on the aisle. by Will Disney on December 16, 2002
  111. Lance unscrewed the cap on the large tub of paste. by qualcomm on December 20, 2002
  112. Lola Bung-Hilda, the beautiful heiress to a wooden denture fortune… by Ewan Snow on December 20, 2002
  113. With dread, I regarded the Chalice of Og'Bthulon. by Jon Matza on December 20, 2002
  114. Dylan dropped the two-by-fours to the ground. by qualcomm on February 04, 2003
  115. Sunlight hit Jon "Feldy" Feldspar's face sharply. by Dylan Danko on February 04, 2003
  116. With an admirable disregard for public opinion, Dylan and Jon Frenched at the bar. by Ewan Snow on February 05, 2003
  117. Jon sat with Ewan, dejected and sour. by Phony Millions on February 17, 2003
  118. Dylan stood outside the Brooklyn warehouse… by Will Disney on February 17, 2003
  119. "Summer Sausage" introduced to Acmeshorts by TheBuyer on February 18, 2003
  120. Feldspar whizzed over the Manhattan bridge on his vivid sunshine yellow Schwinn. by Jimson S. Sorghum on February 18, 2003
  121. Are those Diesel jeans you're wearing? by Will Disney on February 20, 2003
  122. AcmeShorts.com domain becomes active by Will Disney on February 21, 2003
  123. Cranium McGee dipped his quill in ox blood, despite the warnings of corrosion offered by his art instructor. by Ewan Snow on February 21, 2003
  124. I feel so emotional sometimes. by Ewan Snow on February 21, 2003
  125. At last the door gave way, and Johansson breathlessly burst into the room. by Jon Matza on February 23, 2003
  126. Saddam Hussein raised his rifle in the air with one hand... by qualcomm on February 23, 2003
  127. I knew you'd never pull through for me. Duncan always said you were a creep. by Ewan Snow on February 23, 2003
  128. I used to know this guy... by Will Disney on February 24, 2003
  129. Doctor, doctor, what's the news? by Ewan Snow on February 24, 2003
  130. I sharpened the business end of my broadsword on the southeast corner of my bronze age dwelling... by qualcomm on February 24, 2003
  131. By relegating Constantine to the position of Rear Admiral... by Ewan Snow on February 24, 2003
  132. He swam up through the water and grabbed onto the side of the pool by Will Disney on February 25, 2003
  133. President Bush adjusted his posture and stepped up to the podium. by qualcomm on February 25, 2003
  134. My feelings about the pornographic PowerPoint presentation were twofold. by qualcomm on February 25, 2003
  135. Reginald slipped his sweaty hands into the back pockets of his Geranimals by Ewan Snow on February 25, 2003
  136. There was only one thing more important to Professor Giles... by qualcomm on February 26, 2003
  137. “Low-rent mystery cults can’t hold a shit wick to our sacred demiurge..." by Ewan Snow on February 26, 2003
  138. “I imagine a world full of hope..." by Ewan Snow on February 26, 2003
  139. He used to live under the subway. by Will Disney on February 27, 2003
  140. Why is it that all my accomplishments must crumble to dust? by Will Disney on February 27, 2003
  141. He had farted - a wet one, barely audible. by Phony Millions on February 27, 2003
  142. Patricia Ann Fondel was fond of her status as office skank. by Jimson S. Sorghum on February 27, 2003
  143. Senator Gore Gravy (R – OR) adjusted his reading glasses and regarded the embossed card: by qualcomm on March 02, 2003
  144. First comment by Will Disney on March 03, 2003
  145. Henry watched the fly buzzing along the ceiling. by Will Disney on March 03, 2003
  146. Rector. by qualcomm on March 04, 2003
  147. William Faulkner downed the last of the bourbon by qualcomm on March 05, 2003
  148. Andre raised the butcher knife above his head. by Will Disney on March 07, 2003
  149. Cantor Fitzgerald stopped sharp, turned on a dime and climbed the stairs two fold... by Dylan Danko on March 09, 2003
  150. With the de-atomizer set to autoflux, Kissinger Addley let the heliotron do the rest... by Dylan Danko on March 10, 2003
  151. A fluffy, adorable little baby bunny named Bunny Wunny... by Jon Matza on March 11, 2003
  152. OZ Fan Fiction by qualcomm on March 12, 2003
  153. “Nurse, I need suction.” by Ewan Snow on March 14, 2003
  154. “The Kid is scraping bottom,” Manfredi said to no one in particular. by qualcomm on March 14, 2003
  155. She walked into my office carrying a small silver platter on which by Ewan Snow on March 15, 2003
  156. Ron Porton: This always happens. by Jon Matza on March 16, 2003
  157. “I don’t care if everyone hates me, as long as they respect me,” said Kurdish Jerry by qualcomm on March 17, 2003
  158. "What was the animus for his shorts?" by Phony Millions on March 20, 2003
  159. Quetlzcan climbed the stone steps of the pyramid. by Will Disney on March 20, 2003
  160. A Scene (Re-imagined by Ewan Snow) That Actually Happened (According to Phony Millions) by Ewan Snow on March 21, 2003
  161. Phineas got up... by Jon Matza on March 24, 2003
  162. “Desperate times call for desperate clocks” by Ewan Snow on March 26, 2003
  163. Bruce Willis' nipples hardened. by Phony Millions on March 27, 2003
  164. “Sit on it, Potsie!” by qualcomm on March 27, 2003
  165. It was 2050 hours on the Ropes Course at Camp David. by Jimson S. Sorghum on March 28, 2003
  166. It often passed through genteel circles of Cavenmoor... by Dylan Danko on March 31, 2003
  167. Little Joe had booted another grounder, an easy one this time, and my patience was wearing thin. by Jon Matza on March 31, 2003
  168. The prom queen let out a big juicy one. by Jimson S. Sorghum on April 02, 2003
  169. Jon Feldspar sat hunched over his computer, tapping at the lifeless keys. by Will Disney on April 03, 2003
  170. "Cast aspersions if you must but I happen to like my new, fake titties... by Dylan Danko on April 04, 2003
  171. Pascal Devonshire fantasized about taking a radial saw to his skull by Ewan Snow on April 07, 2003
  172. Dan Rather by qualcomm on April 07, 2003
  173. The year was 1847. Phinneas Bartleby stood on the edge of a cliff, looking down. by Will Disney on April 08, 2003
  174. “What’s your major?” by Ewan Snow on April 09, 2003
  175. Down by the lakefront the grass gets deep by Ewan Snow on April 09, 2003
  176. On Failure in the Acme Community, A Scathing Indictment by Ewan Snow on April 09, 2003
  177. The Professor dug a fossil out of the dusty earth. by qualcomm on April 10, 2003
  178. Dedication
    with Greatest Honor
    to Simile Blane
    by Ewan Snow on April 10, 2003
  179. Luke walked in the door to find Kendra straddling the keg, the tap in the firm grasp of her labia. by Jimson S. Sorghum on April 10, 2003
  180. The Hermeneutics of Vaginal Desire by Phony Millions on April 11, 2003
  181. With infinite guile, "Banny" Slumaski bit several pieces of dead skin off the tips of his fingers and arranged the detritus on the arm of his chair in a semicircle. by Jon Matza on April 11, 2003
  182. First You Get The Truck by Ewan Snow on April 11, 2003
  183. "Hey, honey! You wanna go to the orchid show?" by Dylan Danko on April 12, 2003
  184. Everyone thinks they are so smart reading and writing these short shorts, but I wonder... by Jon Matza on April 14, 2003
  185. “I don’t know. I don’t know. What is it, you think?” by Will Disney on April 14, 2003
  186. "11 aardvarks, please." by Will Disney on April 14, 2003
  187. It was Homecoming at Kaypee Middle School by qualcomm on April 15, 2003
  188. Dr. Atkins’ Thoughts While Falling by Will Disney on April 17, 2003
  189. An American in Bahgdad by Phony Millions on April 18, 2003
  190. A classroom full of well-behaved students sat quietly. by Jon Matza on April 20, 2003
  191. It's Easter Sunday, and as usual I’m ovulating. by qualcomm on April 21, 2003
  192. I sat trembling. My cumulative author ranking had gone down... by Jon Matza on April 22, 2003
  193. The cold sore sat there on Johnny’s lip, blistering in sun. by Will Disney on April 22, 2003
  194. Your marcomm is ineffectual by qualcomm on April 22, 2003
  195. I had buried this guy under the floorboards and was trying to keep up a cool appearance... by Will Disney on April 26, 2003
  196. “Dan Smith will teach you guitar!” by Will Disney on April 30, 2003
  197. "Oh, that's right, Susie...you've never been to Club Tre-chique!" by Jon Matza on May 01, 2003
  198. “Mr. Fuckbon, what does the future hold for the war in Clitoristan?” by Phony Millions on May 02, 2003
  199. “I love you,” the woman said breathlessly. by scoop on May 05, 2003
  200. I cannot stand the stench of your lies. by qualcomm on May 05, 2003
  201. “I now call to disorder the 225th Annual Gala of the New York Society of Scatological Illuminati!” by qualcomm on May 06, 2003
  202. Susie had gone over Sammy’s house to work on a project for school... by Will Disney on May 07, 2003
  203. The bachelor gazed at the two bags of chips like a Don Juan staring at long-lost conquests. by scoop on May 08, 2003
  204. What with a power vacuum in post-war Iraq... by scoop on May 08, 2003
  205. I have this thing about inanimate objects. by Phony Millions on May 09, 2003
  206. First graphical short is published by Will Disney on May 11, 2003
  207. Time Out New York by qualcomm on May 11, 2003
  208. Sammy sat on the bus waiting for it to leave school and to bring him home. by Will Disney on May 12, 2003
  209. Feedbag Jefferson spent the night guzzling Dr. Pepper by Ewan Snow on May 14, 2003
  210. “Lorgnette never liked you, Drake... by Ewan Snow on May 14, 2003
  211. “It’s not just the spelling of my first name that’s got me down, honey,” Jayson Blair said... by Will Disney on May 15, 2003
  212. Susie had had a few beers, and all of the sudden things were seeming different to her. by Will Disney on May 15, 2003
  213. As his friends reached out one by one towards family and domesticity... by Jon Matza on May 15, 2003
  214. The Talosian by qualcomm on May 15, 2003
  215. The shit was going to hit the fan like a bad situation coming to the fore. by Benny Maniacs on May 15, 2003
  216. day 3 by Mr. Pony on May 16, 2003
  217. Ordinary claims require ordinary proof by Ewan Snow on May 16, 2003
  218. "Whoa, TMI" by qualcomm on May 16, 2003
  219. Tall and tan and young and handsome. by Jimson S. Sorghum on May 16, 2003
  220. “Should tillers of soil despair at the weight of life?” by Ewan Snow on May 16, 2003
  221. Dearest Philippe, Don’t hate me! by Ewan Snow on May 18, 2003
  222. Cramped “Quarters” Chromatone rotated the plus-sized BenWa balls... by Ewan Snow on May 21, 2003
  223. Ewan and Jimson roared down the Pacific Coast Highway in their red Mustang. by Will Disney on May 21, 2003
  224. Henry was only eloquent when contemplating his own debased nature. by Will Disney on May 21, 2003
  225. It was Tuesday afternoon, and like clockwork Old Mrs. Robbins was returning home from her weekly trip to the grocery store. by scoop on May 26, 2003
  226. The little river bubbled over the pebbles at the bend... by Ewan Snow on May 28, 2003
  227. We had been waiting for the subway to come. by Will Disney on May 29, 2003
  228. “So you’re a philosopher?” by Will Disney on May 29, 2003
  229. Long, hard and full of seamen, the Los Angeles class submarine Nimitz sliced through the icy water... by qualcomm on June 04, 2003
  230. Feldspar sat at his own Bar-mitzvah, crushing his fingers into each other. by Benny Maniacs on June 07, 2003
  231. In college, Fred longed for the simple safety of high school... by Phony Millions on June 08, 2003
  232. Dan hit Jack in the gut. Pow! by Jon Matza on June 09, 2003
  233. Crème Fresh zipped up his pants... by Ewan Snow on June 09, 2003
  234. The Monolith had not always been here. by qualcomm on June 11, 2003
  235. The electromagnetic field surrounding the atoms that comprised Pantagruel’s fingertips by qualcomm on June 11, 2003
  236. "Heyy-AYYY," she crooned from the far side of our cube's opaque partition... by Dick Vomit on June 11, 2003
  237. Chaco slipped into his bib by Ewan Snow on June 11, 2003
  238. Lonnie Isosceles peered into the mirror at the electric wound still suppurating on his forehead. by qualcomm on June 12, 2003
  239. “This isn’t a game, dammit! This is serious!” by qualcomm on June 12, 2003
  240. My grandfather's knee was strong and plaid. by Benny Maniacs on June 17, 2003
  241. Daniel Boone searched the chewing gum dotted sidewalk for his diamonds. by Benny Maniacs on June 19, 2003
  242. George found himself feeling hungry. by Will Disney on June 21, 2003
  243. In a flash, Ranford made up his mind: he would decline to comment. by Jon Matza on June 21, 2003
  244. “Let h represent all your hopes and dreams... by Ewan Snow on June 22, 2003
  245. Overkill! by qualcomm on June 22, 2003
  246. fonnet Infcribed on a Time-fwept ftone by Ewan Snow on June 22, 2003
  247. Tubman sweated garlic juice off his fat fucking belly... by qualcomm on June 26, 2003
  248. Jeffords checked his monogrammed chronograph for the tenth time in an hour. by qualcomm on June 27, 2003
  249. “This summer heat is killing me,” the businessman said. by Will Disney on June 27, 2003
  250. God entered the apartment, sheepishly looking for a refrigerator to stash his warm Coors Lights. by Benny Maniacs on July 01, 2003
  251. As the crowd at the "Seventeenth Annual Rape Victims Catillion" really started to swell, the line at the bar began to grow. by scoop on July 01, 2003
  252. “Are you almost done?” by Ewan Snow on July 01, 2003
  253. R.O.B.E.R.T the Robot journalist stared at his blank computer screen... by scoop on July 01, 2003
  254. In her Windstar Minivan... by Phony Millions on July 02, 2003
  255. The Delorean's door gulled open in a cold white cloud. by qualcomm on July 02, 2003
  256. Barbara Kramer looked at the majestic ATM screen, a rainbow of iridescent pixels. by Benny Maniacs on July 06, 2003
  257. Bob was always making poor decisions. by Will Disney on July 09, 2003
  258. "Long time no see, friend!" by Jon Matza on July 09, 2003
  259. Tino cranked the volume and floored it. by qualcomm on July 10, 2003
  260. The dude what started it all... by Dylan Danko on July 11, 2003
  261. Lost and Found Short Short by Ewan Snow on July 12, 2003
  262. I hate myself. by Mr. Pony on July 15, 2003
  263. “What’s so funny ‘bout peace, love, and understanding?” by Will Disney on July 15, 2003
  264. Most of life is a series of pragmatic lies... by Phony Millions on July 16, 2003
  265. Judson tried hard but failed to hide his unease. by Dylan Danko on July 16, 2003
  266. I still think about my first by qualcomm on July 16, 2003
  267. Old School Short by Ewan Snow on July 17, 2003
  268. Smitty came in and headed straight for the kegerator. by qualcomm on July 21, 2003
  269. After the circle jerk there was silence. by Dylan Danko on July 21, 2003
  270. Jack Sapien, Head of Central American Financial Risk Assessment at Kemper Peat Marwick Group, burst into the pup tent. by qualcomm on July 21, 2003
  271. That's right, baby, I got what you want by qualcomm on July 21, 2003
  272. Joe Strong was a bad detective. by Will Disney on July 21, 2003
  273. Star Wars Fan Sonnet #119 by Ewan Snow on July 24, 2003
  274. If only to be held, to be loved… by Ewan Snow on July 27, 2003
  275. Meltdown Permanente crapped religious... by Ewan Snow on July 27, 2003
  276. Peter couldn’t sleep. by Will Disney on July 28, 2003
  277. A series of sharp reports echoed through the air as I hammered my great cock against the table. by Jon Matza on July 29, 2003
  278. Regular Space Fan Fiction by Ewan Snow on July 30, 2003
  279. Jon Feldspar’s cat looked at itself... by Will Disney on August 03, 2003
  280. This whole neighborhood used to be just for the fur business. by Will Disney on August 03, 2003
  281. Vader strode confidently into Operations. by qualcomm on August 04, 2003
  282. My feet were hot with sweat inside the vinyl feet of my one-piece jammies. by qualcomm on August 04, 2003
  283. The Clapp & Treat salesman rang up my “Ugly Stick” fishing rod. by qualcomm on August 04, 2003
  284. “Tarpit Crapulenza said this place was real horny” by Ewan Snow on August 04, 2003
  285. The user testing session was not going very well. by Will Disney on August 06, 2003
  286. The father was a changeling. by Will Disney on August 06, 2003
  287. sandra, got your email... by Will Disney on August 06, 2003
  288. “Oh God!” screamed Bud. “I got here as fast as I could." by Ewan Snow on August 06, 2003
  289. Say, I wonder what all those people at the water cooler are talking about... by qualcomm on August 07, 2003
  290. "Bad touch." said Suzy to Uncle Bob. by Jimson S. Sorghum on August 07, 2003
  291. In the restroom at the doctor's office, all the piss samples were lined up in a delicious Caldor-colored rainbow. by Jimson S. Sorghum on August 07, 2003
  292. The street looked dirty and there weren’t many people out. by Ewan Snow on August 07, 2003
  293. The Cherrybird’s body coiled up tight as he tracked the softball’s homeward arc. by qualcomm on August 08, 2003
  294. Egg Jenny reached into her panties and pulled out another handful of warm egg salad. by Jon Matza on August 08, 2003
  295. We set up base camp at twenty-five thousand feet. by Ewan Snow on August 10, 2003
  296. Kill me by Dylan Danko on August 10, 2003
  297. "I want 'em dead..." by Dylan Danko on August 10, 2003
  298. Luckily, Henry’s contraption was battery-powered... by Will Disney on August 17, 2003
  299. Congratulations Twilo Morgum-Blow born 8/16/03! by Dylan Danko on August 17, 2003
  300. The ocean was that aqua Club Med color, but he wasn't a tourist... by Benny Maniacs on August 18, 2003
  301. Frankenstone and Lenny v. Matza and Snow - The "Asskicking" by TheBuyer on August 19, 2003
  302. True Story – Fall Semester, 1990 by Ewan Snow on August 22, 2003
  303. A Long Time Coming by Ewan Snow on August 23, 2003
  304. Portrait of the Artist by Ewan Snow on August 24, 2003
  305. “Could I please have a boat, Santa?” by Jon Matza on August 24, 2003
  306. Jim Boner chose some Navy blue cargo pants, thinking the conservative Naval color would appeal to the P.O.T.U.S. by Benny Maniacs on August 27, 2003
  307. Funny Short by Ewan Snow on August 27, 2003
  308. Tenka Schperdorf plied her wares down by the harbor of nights. by Ewan Snow on August 27, 2003
  309. “Communication” + “Unity” = “Community” by Ewan Snow on August 27, 2003
  310. First Message Board post by Mr. Pony on August 31, 2003
  311. Henry sidled up to the bar... by Will Disney on September 02, 2003
  312. Oh, dear me, dear me! by Ewan Snow on September 02, 2003
  313. Sherlock Holmes stood erect. by Will Disney on September 02, 2003
  314. The Dinner Party by Ewan Snow on September 03, 2003
  315. True Story -- 1985 by Ewan Snow on September 05, 2003
  316. 'Asea Again' by Jon Matza on September 10, 2003
  317. "I seem to be lost in your hedge maze," Lucius called out. by Will Disney on September 10, 2003
  318. Ishito Kashimuro was deliriously excited, his mustache moist with perspiration. by Benny Maniacs on September 11, 2003
  319. The stillness of Sheila's fanny-pack was beginning to unsettle him. by Benny Maniacs on September 16, 2003
  320. “Construction paper puppets, oak tag tigers… by Ewan Snow on September 16, 2003
  321. "I now channel every ounce of creative energy into my romantic relationships," Al Pacino replied in a salty baritone. by qualcomm on September 18, 2003
  322. Frank was hungry as beat all. by qualcomm on September 19, 2003
  323. Flax Garvy chined the spring pig... by Ewan Snow on September 19, 2003
  324. The moment you’ve been waiting for your whole life will never come by Ewan Snow on September 20, 2003
  325. Howard Dean crapped his pants. by Will Disney on September 21, 2003
  326. The Dalai’s “llama” spit viciously, as llama’s are known to do... by Will Disney on September 22, 2003
  327. The Pontifex Maximus took off his pointy hat by Ewan Snow on September 22, 2003
  328. I find your prose has a certain testicular quality and I mean that in the most complimentary of senses. by Dylan Danko on September 22, 2003
  329. Monday morning cigarette smoke... by Ewan Snow on October 01, 2003
  330. It wasn’t that Pete liked the beatings... by Will Disney on October 01, 2003
  331. 6 p.m., VIP Pub. by Jon Matza on October 02, 2003
  332. Wally couldn't understand it. by qualcomm on October 02, 2003
  333. Airea lays inside his/herself at the bottom of his/her stomach by Jon Matza on October 07, 2003
  334. Bad Mozart by Phony Millions on October 14, 2003
  335. Too often we find ourselves in situations that we would have preferred to have avoided! by Jon Matza on October 21, 2003
  336. Feldspar took the white blotter acid he bought in Central Park and stuck it on his tongue. by Phony Millions on October 22, 2003
  337. Investigative Report Pt. 1 by Will Disney on October 22, 2003
  338. Jon Matza attracts many ladies. by TheBuyer on October 24, 2003
  339. Alzheimer disease is a degenerative disorder of the brain! by Jon Matza on November 04, 2003
  340. In certain indigenous Amazon tribes... by qualcomm on November 04, 2003
  341. Dear AcmeShorts.com by qualcomm on November 04, 2003
  342. The quantum physicist, an asshole, glued the final piece of cotton onto his doomsday device. by qualcomm on November 11, 2003
  343. Ever since his comedic masterstroke about krauts farting inside their panzers, PFC Blodgett became the most popular grunt in the platoon. by qualcomm on November 11, 2003
  344. I think we should totally be more open to the things around us in general! by Jon Matza on November 11, 2003
  345. It was a lonely street. by Will Disney on November 19, 2003
  346. kudos from the sun king by qualcomm on November 20, 2003
  347. Hey, it's great to be back in the Poconos by qualcomm on November 20, 2003
  348. "Baldy" Jack rose from his bed. by Will Disney on November 21, 2003
  349. Fueled by the recent spate of car bombings, Kemar pressed down on his little Honda’s accelerator with relish. by Benny Maniacs on November 22, 2003
  350. Memo: Sometimes people look up at you when you’re fucking them. by Benny Maniacs on November 22, 2003
  351. Once, when I was a child, I had a fever; my hands felt just like two ballons. by Benny Maniacs on November 22, 2003
  352. “Your hands – they’re rough, like someone who’s worked outside all his life,” she said sweetly and softly... by Phony Millions on November 24, 2003
  353. The New Cruelty is announced by Will Disney on November 24, 2003
  354. Pete looked at his reflection in the mirror. by Will Disney on November 25, 2003
  355. Inside his immaculate fortress... by Ewan Snow on November 26, 2003
  356. Do you ever think about Hell? by Mr. Pony on November 26, 2003
  357. Captain McBarton hadn't seen a storm like this since his ill-fated stint as first mate on the Jolly Jimson during the Great Monsoon of Calcutta. by Jon Matza on November 26, 2003
  358. Oh man, I really stuffed down that fucking turkey. by Will Disney on November 30, 2003
  359. Johnny Jinky was majorly pumped. by Jon Matza on December 01, 2003
  360. Ewan and Brad sat at the foot of Feldspar's Porsche water bed. by Dylan Danko on December 02, 2003
  361. Chad was at his 10-year high school reunion. by Will Disney on December 02, 2003
  362. Coup D’Tocqueville knew all the angles... by Ewan Snow on December 03, 2003
  363. While he banged away at the hapless corpse, the necrophiliac suppressed a painful bubble of gas. by Phony Millions on December 04, 2003
  364. Dear Santa Claus by Will Disney on December 04, 2003
  365. "Oooh!" by Jon Matza on December 04, 2003
  366. Marvin hadn't washed his hair now for three months consecutively. by Benny Maniacs on December 04, 2003
  367. The night was cold. by qualcomm on December 05, 2003
  368. Mittens by Ewan Snow on December 06, 2003
  369. Dear Rita, by Ewan Snow on December 06, 2003
  370. Like the Cockroach it Was by Ewan Snow on December 06, 2003
  371. R.H. Phecal, the 2002 winner of the Acme Gold Medallion for most copious and substantial producer of the short-short, squatted over the bowl. by Jimson S. Sorghum on December 07, 2003
  372. “Sure, ‘twas our revered progenitor, Gallaghtrue Gonogle, who split the sacerdotal alder tree..." by qualcomm on December 07, 2003
  373. You get an “A” for effort, Bobby. by qualcomm on December 08, 2003
  374. A border town. by qualcomm on December 08, 2003
  375. “Oh—Oh…” the man in his early thirties breathed, releasing his feces into his Dilbert boxer shorts with some relief. by Jimson S. Sorghum on December 08, 2003
  376. "I love living on this spaceship", Joe was saying. by Will Disney on December 08, 2003
  377. Feldspar Eats a Bowl of Diarrhea by Mr. Pony on December 09, 2003
  378. "Never again shall the mighty ones be assailed," I suavely asserted. by Jon Matza on December 09, 2003
  379. The Mysterious Secrets of Microman REVEALED!! by Mr. Pony on December 10, 2003
  380. The woman entered Starbucks and saw the girl working at the counter. by Phony Millions on December 11, 2003
  381. You're The Star! 40 Thrilling Endings! by Will Disney on December 11, 2003
  382. “Tuesday night at driving school I saw Jason Summers." by Phony Millions on December 12, 2003
  383. Flip wondered if teenage Jesus had been a loser. by Benny Maniacs on December 13, 2003
  384. Thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. by Dylan Danko on December 13, 2003
  385. Dear Bruce, by Dylan Danko on December 13, 2003
  386. Folks, I'm not going to lie to you: I can get you a great deal on just about any popular high-end software package. by Jon Matza on December 15, 2003
  387. He came into her Grand Opening, somehow feeling that the best was now behind him. by Benny Maniacs on December 17, 2003
  388. No fucking way was Bad To The Bone a novelty song, Thorogood concluded in a bourbony haze. by qualcomm on December 18, 2003
  389. Within a matter of days you - the Acmeshorts community - will molest me and threaten to kill me if I tell my parents. by Jon Matza on December 18, 2003
  390. With great care... by qualcomm on December 19, 2003
  391. There was something stupid about the whole thing, she thought. by Jimson S. Sorghum on December 20, 2003
  392. I will increase your mental reach, by Benny Maniacs on December 24, 2003
  393. Vice Hubert Schneibling by qualcomm on December 24, 2003
  394. Pliny the Younger lay on his side by Dylan Danko on December 28, 2003
  395. Immured within the high walls... by Ewan Snow on December 29, 2003
  396. "Puddle of Mud." by scoop on December 30, 2003
  397. “Dude, I’d leave a message in the suggestion box to install a suggestion box. That is – IF we had a suggestion box.” by scoop on December 30, 2003
  398. Lets talk about our feelings. by scoop on December 30, 2003
  399. Morning had always been the computer programmers’ favorite time to be in the office. by scoop on December 30, 2003
  400. "I was wrong when I called you the stupidest child I ever met," I said, lashing the terrified boy to the side of the boat. by Jon Matza on December 30, 2003
  401. The documentary filmmaker had been wrestling with the pitfalls of his trade for most of his career and he was no closer to a solution. by scoop on December 30, 2003
  402. Somehow, the boiler room was even muggier than the August night. by qualcomm on December 30, 2003
  403. Happy New Year! by Will Disney on December 31, 2003
  404. “Horny thoughts, expressed in the clearest and plainest of terms..." by Ewan Snow on January 01, 2004
  405. “Pop,” by Jimson S. Sorghum on January 02, 2004
  406. Marlon Brando, Queen Latifah and Miss Piggy all knelt over a fountain. by Benny Maniacs on January 03, 2004
  407. Jeepak chomped into his Big Mac with a pantheon of contradictory emotions. by Benny Maniacs on January 04, 2004
  408. Dear Diary, by Dylan Danko on January 04, 2004
  409. Sheila E unraveled a very long boa constrictor and began whipping Prince’s naked buttocks. by Benny Maniacs on January 05, 2004
  410. A few pebbles lay in the dirt near the base of the church gate. by Jon Matza on January 06, 2004
  411. I was walking along the banks of the Seine, or the quais, as they’re called, or alternately, the keys. by Will Disney on January 06, 2004
  412. Corky slung his knapsack over one shoulder... by qualcomm on January 06, 2004
  413. ... by qualcomm on January 07, 2004
  414. "Hey, let's see who has... by qualcomm on January 08, 2004
  415. “Don’t go there.” by scoop on January 09, 2004
  416. The science officer wanted more out of life than the truth – he wanted a piece of ass. Space Ass. by scoop on January 09, 2004
  417. "The road to salvation is littered with the cauls of broken souls." by Dylan Danko on January 10, 2004
  418. "Who wants to see my penis?" cried Transgender Johnson. by Dylan Danko on January 10, 2004
  419. "Another fricken night-night story," by Jimson S. Sorghum on January 11, 2004
  420. The user Kleetaurus12 has sent you an instant message by Dick Vomit on January 13, 2004
  421. The pederast was washing his hands when it hit him... by scoop on January 13, 2004
  422. Thank you for your generous donation! by Will Disney on January 13, 2004
  423. I've made some pretty stupid blunders in my day, but nothing compared to the time I accidentally shot myself in the balls! by Jon Matza on January 13, 2004
  424. “Wait, whoa, stop, Jesus, fuck!” by Dick Vomit on January 14, 2004
  425. During the blowjob, Dimitri fought off the climax til the last ecstatic instant... by Dick Vomit on January 14, 2004
  426. Oh, ANNA, Baby...You're so HOT by Mr. Pony on January 14, 2004
  427. Jen and I knew it was gonna be lame... by Ewan Snow on January 15, 2004
  428. When I was 7... by Dylan Danko on January 15, 2004
  429. I rode into Carson City with a pocketful of silver... by Ewan Snow on January 15, 2004
  430. anon_user_a writes the dumbest feedback ever, and is roundly ridiculed by matza by qualcomm on January 16, 2004
  431. They were all... by qualcomm on January 16, 2004
  432. Jerkoff Chain, George W. Bush, Thursday 1/4/04 by Will Disney on January 16, 2004
  433. A Cancer Story by qualcomm on January 17, 2004
  434. "Move away from the retard." by Jon Matza on January 18, 2004
  435. “I’m going to roll my trouser legs down... by scoop on January 18, 2004
  436. Long ago, in a far away kingdom, by Jimson S. Sorghum on January 18, 2004
  437. Scoop promoted to author by Will Disney on January 19, 2004
  438. Victor Vulgar, poet laureate, often got his best ideas while wanking it. by Jimson S. Sorghum on January 19, 2004
  439. Chipmunks scattered out from under Satan’s pick-up as he sped down the dirt road by Benny Maniacs on January 21, 2004
  440. Captain Kangaroo eyed his erection... by scoop on January 21, 2004
  441. Checksy walked in to my office. by scoop on January 21, 2004
  442. My kudos itched. by Jon Matza on January 22, 2004
  443. Stan liked to fill his bath, fine-tune the ratio of hot to cold so that he could barely stand the heat of it, and then slowly descend his dangling testes into the scalding water. by Benny Maniacs on January 22, 2004
  444. Lumbering forth at dawn to the tiresome grind of hunting and gathering... by qualcomm on January 22, 2004
  445. Hemorrhoid Story by Ewan Snow on January 23, 2004
  446. “Where ya’ going,” the cabbie barked through an unlit stogie he gnawed in his chops. by scoop on January 24, 2004
  447. “This marriage isn’t working, Otto..." by Ewan Snow on January 26, 2004
  448. I'm going to sleep soon by Mr. Pony on January 27, 2004
  449. “What are you thinking about?” by Will Disney on January 28, 2004
  450. Note to self: by Dylan Danko on January 28, 2004
  451. "There were some big surprises in this year's Academy Award nominations," mused Olenin. by Craig Lewis on January 28, 2004
  452. Vagina. by Craig Lewis on January 28, 2004
  453. Jeffrey and Eugenia by qualcomm on January 28, 2004
  454. Jibley by qualcomm on January 28, 2004
  455. "Yo, that shit is FUCKED up, yo!" Walter said enthusiastically. by Benny Maniacs on January 29, 2004
  456. To Do List, Friday, November 4. by Craig Lewis on January 29, 2004
  457. A ROBIN WILLIAMS FUCK-CIRCLE. by Craig Lewis on January 30, 2004
  458. “You have to write what you KNOW!” by scoop on February 01, 2004
  459. All the pony club girls hated her. by Jimson S. Sorghum on February 02, 2004
  460. all about potatos! by Jon Matza on February 02, 2004
  461. I've been varying my workouts a lot lately. by Jon Matza on February 02, 2004
  462. "Straight Eye for the Queer Guy." by Craig Lewis on February 02, 2004
  463. The yolks of the children’s eyes ran into sticky pools on their tiny desks... by scoop on February 03, 2004
  464. On the way home, I once again loathed myself for riding the so-called 'short bus', but at the same time loathed the world in which I had been classified 'tard'. by Benny Maniacs on February 04, 2004
  465. The sun-shaped metal ring around Janet Jackson’s nipple shone down on the people working in the fields. by Will Disney on February 04, 2004
  466. “Hello, Frankie, how was school?” by Ewan Snow on February 06, 2004
  467. Crush-Depth Halliday and Rapid-Deployment Burke by Dylan Danko on February 06, 2004
  468. Pressure me all you want; I will show you my erection on a need-to-know basis only. by Jon Matza on February 07, 2004
  469. The Jewess lowered herself onto the Jew's bolt-upright cock with the avidity of a Jew beholding his stash of ill-gotten lucre. by Craig Lewis on February 07, 2004
  470. Driving on the Palisades Parkway out of the city, Joe looked across the river and felt a rush of warm tenderness for humanity in general. by Phony Millions on February 07, 2004
  471. "Don't infantilize me," Mitzi was always saying. by qualcomm on February 07, 2004
  472. Reckon The Stranger rode in to town at just the right time. by scoop on February 07, 2004
  473. Hey, Hey; What Have You Got There? by Mr. Pony on February 09, 2004
  474. I was having trouble in the sack, so I went to see ol’ Fister. by Jimson S. Sorghum on February 09, 2004
  475. It was the second time in as many months by Dylan Danko on February 09, 2004
  476. His grandfather leaned over from his hospital bed. by Will Disney on February 10, 2004
  477. "P. KLEEKINS." Ooh, dean of the fucking lame-ass high schoooool. by Dick Vomit on February 11, 2004
  478. And so it was with great reluctance... by qualcomm on February 12, 2004
  479. Thom Yorke... by Phony Millions on February 12, 2004
  480. "I hate it that all we do is fuck." by Dick Vomit on February 13, 2004
  481. It was the state-mandated day of romance by qualcomm on February 13, 2004
  482. The bills were stacking up. Money was tight. There was no hope in sight but for HUMINSORC -- by scoop on February 13, 2004
  483. "I mean, just because we just met doesn't mean our love isn't real... by Dylan Danko on February 14, 2004
  484. Moonbeams the ape leaned over his high perch, rubbing his sore balls and appraising the threat of his fellow simians below. by Benny Maniacs on February 14, 2004
  485. #1,000 by qualcomm on February 14, 2004
  486. A song of Slavic discord formed the coda to my spiralling descent. by qualcomm on February 14, 2004
  487. Showdown I by Mr. Pony on February 14, 2004
  488. “Daddy, can you read me a story?” by scoop on February 15, 2004
  489. McWilliamsburg by John Slocum on February 15, 2004
  490. Fragment 7a by Ewan Snow on February 15, 2004
  491. On the Eve of Colostomy by Jimson S. Sorghum on February 15, 2004
  492. Dispatch. by Dick Vomit on February 16, 2004
  493. "Afternoon, Dr. Rivington." by Jon Matza on February 16, 2004
  494. Man, do I lead a glossy life! by Dylan Danko on February 17, 2004
  495. I've worked with junior high kids for over fifteen years now, and I have a confession to make: I probably learn more from these youngsters than they ever learn from me! by Jon Matza on February 17, 2004
  496. Untitled by Ewan Snow on February 18, 2004
  497. Don’t look now, Billy... by Will Disney on February 19, 2004
  498. Senator, how would you respond to your critics.... by scoop on February 20, 2004
  499. Slopcloth by Phony Millions on February 21, 2004
  500. Micky Strunza posted the letter on his door, by Jimson S. Sorghum on February 22, 2004
  501. Though far from sentimental, Judge Arthur Windsor-Withers found himself deeply moved by the heft and sway of Mrs. Peggins' enormous thighs. by Jon Matza on February 22, 2004
  502. Ted-bah found that if he rotated his torso back and forth while he pinched his liver by Benny Maniacs on February 23, 2004
  503. I have received your critique of ‘The Return of the King’ and would like to respond. by John Slocum on February 23, 2004
  504. A Sick Pet. by Craig Lewis on February 24, 2004
  505. The Radical Jewish Brotherhood flew at Mach seventeen in their penis fighters by Benny Maniacs on February 24, 2004
  506. On his application, under the header delineated for NAME:, was a picture of a man drawing a picture. by scoop on February 26, 2004
  507. Planned Neglect by Ewan Snow on February 27, 2004
  508. Contempt by Phony Millions on February 27, 2004
  509. Ladies, have a heart, now. by Jon Matza on February 28, 2004
  510. So you go into a restaurant, one of New York City’s finest, everyone wants to eat there, and you want to order a bottle of wine. by John Slocum on February 28, 2004
  511. She was like: I don’t date bears. by Benny Maniacs on February 29, 2004
  512. Oscar Magic? More Like Oscar Tragic! by Will Disney on February 29, 2004
  513. "Where's my cap?" by qualcomm on March 01, 2004
  514. Nicky had the men lined up on Jessica’s right cheek. by Jimson S. Sorghum on March 01, 2004
  515. The entirely fictional Dr. Pfeiffer by qualcomm on March 01, 2004
  516. Tournament #1 - Winner: Craig Lewis by TheBuyer on March 01, 2004
  517. by Will Disney on March 01, 2004
  518. by qualcomm on March 01, 2004
  519. by Ewan Snow on March 01, 2004
  520. by Benny Maniacs on March 01, 2004
  521. by Jon Matza on March 01, 2004
  522. by scoop on March 01, 2004
  523. by Craig Lewis on March 01, 2004
  524. My Dog Is Sick by Mr. Pony on March 01, 2004
  525. I'm so lonely by Mr. Pony on March 02, 2004
  526. This is a story about how Mandy validated Mindy. by scoop on March 03, 2004
  527. "What's in the bag?" by Jon Matza on March 03, 2004
  528. Paddy wagons crammed with half-naked confused men, women and children idled at the intersection. by scoop on March 04, 2004
  529. “Fonterelli puts merlot in his Barolo,” by John Slocum on March 05, 2004
  530. Rick could only have meaningful conversations while he was defecating... by scoop on March 05, 2004
  531. It was a tri-state area disaster. by Benny Maniacs on March 05, 2004
  532. “But I feel happy,” Cindy beamed smiling ear to ear. by scoop on March 07, 2004
  533. Hey! Animals! by Dylan Danko on March 07, 2004
  534. "Your eyes...they're so perfect..." by Jimson S. Sorghum on March 07, 2004
  535. Joe 'Yankee' Doodle knew, in his heart, that it was not macaroni. by Will Disney on March 08, 2004
  536. “Tell me again how tannins affect the tongue,” asked Sheryl. by John Slocum on March 08, 2004
  537. Good Luck by Ewan Snow on March 09, 2004
  538. ACME THUNDERDOME!! by Mr. Pony on March 09, 2004
  539. Each of us has more than one sphincter. by John Slocum on March 10, 2004
  540. Topical Billy, a thatch-haired lad of 8 years, strode into Miss Downey's Third Grade class. by Craig Lewis on March 10, 2004
  541. "You've got to stop using sex to express aggression." by Craig Lewis on March 10, 2004
  542. Boarding the elevator to the 37th floor, I was deeply engrossed in thinking about the various nuances of my pain. by Jon Matza on March 10, 2004
  543. Joke by Ewan Snow on March 11, 2004
  544. “How much you think she’ll run me, buddy? 25? 50?” by scoop on March 12, 2004
  545. "P-p-p-ppppp-p-p-p-pp..." by Craig Lewis on March 12, 2004
  546. Whenever I hear somebody refer to a vagina... by Ewan Snow on March 12, 2004
  547. One peanut butter and salt sandwich by qualcomm on March 13, 2004
  548. The Portentous Clan of the Homunculi by scoop on March 13, 2004
  549. Penny Pulaski by qualcomm on March 14, 2004
  550. My dad used to take us food shopping. by Benny Maniacs on March 14, 2004
  551. Yeah, so anyway, after... by Dylan Danko on March 15, 2004
  552. I have long harbored the ambition to host a television talk show. by Craig Lewis on March 15, 2004
  553. Dr. Phillips would have reacted... by scoop on March 15, 2004
  554. “How many rocks do you have there... by Ewan Snow on March 16, 2004
  555. “Yeah, LunkLink used to write good shorts... by Ewan Snow on March 16, 2004
  556. “Hey, Crackers, why are you squatting down there with my keepsakes?” by Ewan Snow on March 16, 2004
  557. These two are the best buddies I by Jon Matza on March 17, 2004
  558. Farnsworth Smythe, the legendary investigator, stood before a roaring hearth-fire... by Craig Lewis on March 17, 2004
  559. General Choade spent the afternoon trying to weaponize his wife. by Ewan Snow on March 17, 2004
  560. Mr. Pony publishes a short with words (as Jacob Starfish) by Will Disney on March 18, 2004
  561. Hypocycloid by John Slocum on March 18, 2004
  562. The cocky Jumbo Shrimp crawled along the sea bottom by Benny Maniacs on March 18, 2004
  563. I mean Jesus Fucking Christ. by Benny Maniacs on March 19, 2004
  564. The most fascinating conversation of all time was occurring live on broadcast TV. by Jon Matza on March 20, 2004
  565. Professionally attired, voice buttered, playlist sculpted, Bob “The Bobber” Buckman, Central Pennsylvania’s premiere reception/events DJ, was in the zone. by scoop on March 21, 2004
  566. The Cynic by qualcomm on March 22, 2004
  567. Tournament #2 - Winner: Mr. Pony by TheBuyer on March 22, 2004
  568. by Will Disney on March 22, 2004
  569. by scoop on March 22, 2004
  570. by qualcomm on March 22, 2004
  571. by Mr. Pony on March 22, 2004
  572. Love is a lifelong quarrel with God, but we always make up in the end. by scoop on March 22, 2004
  573. Behold...The Lerpa! by Mr. Pony on March 23, 2004
  574. “Thwack!” by Craig Lewis on March 23, 2004
  575. Aromas and Love Part I by John Slocum on March 23, 2004
  576. Aromas and Love Part II by John Slocum on March 23, 2004
  577. "I'm sorry...weird!..." by Craig Lewis on March 23, 2004
  578. "It is as it was." by Craig Lewis on March 23, 2004
  579. Deborah Norville and Katie Couric... by Will Disney on March 24, 2004
  580. “Tais-toi avant que je te bats à la figure avec mon bâton!” by John Slocum on March 25, 2004
  581. The Fabulous Tale of Matza: He Can Only Say ‘You Cunt’ by John Slocum on March 26, 2004
  582. Henry Smith awoke shivering in a cage to Mozart’s Serenade No. 13 in G major with the metallic taste of blood filling his mouth and the dream-image of a girl he had never met fading from his memory. by scoop on March 26, 2004
  583. Jaunita Saggs was a cunt. by Jimson S. Sorghum on March 29, 2004
  584. Dude, you fucked up BIG TIME by not going to Shaun Belorus's party last weekend. by Jon Matza on March 29, 2004
  585. Please do not consider my actions impertinent by Dylan Danko on March 29, 2004
  586. The hairs that protrude from my nostrils by Benny Maniacs on March 30, 2004
  587. Cindi? It’s Suzi. by qualcomm on March 30, 2004
  588. "Congratulations, Mrs. Numan. Your baby is a healthy six pounds, three ounces." by Jon Matza on March 30, 2004
  589. Snowy, tongue hanging out and panting, looked at Tintin lying face down on the floor. by John Slocum on March 31, 2004
  590. “This is no longer just about German wines, is it?” asked Smith. by John Slocum on April 01, 2004
  591. Dani? by Mr. Pony on April 01, 2004

  592. Character: Why did you make me?

    Author: To make them laugh.
    by scoop on April 02, 2004
  593. When Sonia arrived in New York, Penn Station was nearly deserted. by Ewan Snow on April 04, 2004
  594. Am I to sit here and hide? by Benny Maniacs on April 05, 2004
  595. Andy Anderson knew that with great power comes great responsibility. by scoop on April 05, 2004
  596. Wendell Buttress backed up 3 steps and prepared to take the corner kick. by John Slocum on April 05, 2004
  597. Highest rated short by a Hawaiian Guest Author by TheBuyer on April 08, 2004
  598. Satan had a problem. by Jon Matza on April 08, 2004
  599. Ronus (the red one) and Rodus (the blue one) had been waiting for what seemed like hours. by Jon Matza on April 08, 2004
  600. Fort Danny by scoop on April 09, 2004
  601. Tired…tired…so very tired. by John Slocum on April 11, 2004
  602. Tale of Two Jacks. by scoop on April 11, 2004
  603. Joe was swinging around the trees... by Will Disney on April 11, 2004
  604. Metamorphosis by Ewan Snow on April 12, 2004
  605. Oi! You takin' the piss ow.. by Dylan Danko on April 13, 2004
  606. This morning, ladies and gentlemen, distinguished guests, I give you all, pure and uncut... by scoop on April 13, 2004
  607. Showdown II by Mr. Pony on April 14, 2004
  608. Warily, I eyed the Siamese. by Craig Lewis on April 14, 2004
  609. Much humor can be gleaned from the anecdote I am about to relate to you which pertains to a conversation that took place between a horse and a cow. by Jon Matza on April 14, 2004
  610. Texxx/Cabot Suicide Note by Jon Matza on April 15, 2004
  611. Raccoon Diet - fuck Atkins, try this. by TheBuyer on April 15, 2004
  612. “It would be nice if, every now and then, one of you would massage my balls,” said Father Xaverus... by John Slocum on April 16, 2004
  613. "There remain some possibilities for a rational explanation," I began. by Jon Matza on April 16, 2004
  614. The muscles in the little volunteer’s lithe arms flexed against the taut leather straps... by scoop on April 16, 2004
  615. A large Conch shell passed me by, followed by a halogen desk lamp. by Benny Maniacs on April 18, 2004
  616. Times were tight. by qualcomm on April 20, 2004
  617. First appearance of TheBuyer by Will Disney on April 20, 2004
  618. Fence Guy by Jon Matza on April 20, 2004
  619. District Supervisor Weiss was puzzled. by TheBuyer on April 21, 2004
  620. Thrillseeker Slugs by Will Disney on April 22, 2004
  621. I had Disney pegged for a homo the first time I met him. by Dylan Danko on April 22, 2004
  622. M. T. Bubblenut slid down the couch and landed on the floor in a neat puddle. by Benny Maniacs on April 22, 2004
  623. Obligatory Shit Short by TheBuyer on April 22, 2004
  624. The Argument by Mr. Pony on April 23, 2004
  625. Obligatory Shite Short XII by John Slocum on April 23, 2004
  626. First short written by a foreigner; Canadians by TheBuyer on April 26, 2004
  627. Ataraxy by Phony Millions on April 26, 2004
  628. Tobias let the letter flutter to the floor... by scoop on April 26, 2004
  629. 500 grand? by qualcomm on April 26, 2004
  630. acme lovedome by Mr. Pony on April 26, 2004
  631. Barry, wife Lynne, and daughter Dawn were all sitting around the dining room table... by TheBuyer on April 27, 2004
  632. Sweet wings by Jon Matza on April 27, 2004
  633. It was April and the ramps, fresh from the Farmer’s Market, were pungent as they warmed atop a mountain of scrambled pheasant eggs, pheasant sausage, shiitakes and grated local cheddar. by John Slocum on April 28, 2004
  634. Bentley rested his hand on the hood of the Mercedes Benz C-class. by Benny Maniacs on April 30, 2004
  635. Both men lay motionless on the smooth, concrete floor. by TheBuyer on April 30, 2004
  636. Small town mmenttaliities and extra keystrokes.. by TheBuyer on May 01, 2004
  637. AcmeShorts.com had had a bad day. by Will Disney on May 01, 2004
  638. All right, what’s the situation? by scoop on May 04, 2004
  639. Safety First! by Mr. Pony on May 06, 2004
  640. Smartie Jones by Mr. Pony on May 06, 2004
  641. After finding myself stranded on a desert island with nearly five hundred women... by Benny Maniacs on May 06, 2004
  642. "Where did all the other celebrants go?" wondered Sherwoode upon returning from the garden. by Jon Matza on May 09, 2004
  643. Poetry Reading by Mr. Pony on May 09, 2004
  644. First of the Smartie Jones shorts is published by Will Disney on May 10, 2004
  645. I had been lubricating with iodine-125 and I think my wife’s vagina was degrading. by John Slocum on May 10, 2004
  646. "Three Terrible Tales of Sorrow" by Jon Matza on May 11, 2004
  647. Boy, we sure have a lot of inertia by qualcomm on May 11, 2004
  648. Puta madre. Mira a quien tenemos aqui! by Dick Vomit on May 12, 2004
  649. My Generic Love Note by TheBuyer on May 12, 2004
  650. Channelling a Dirty Old Man by TheBuyer on May 12, 2004
  651. Barry, Lynne, Dawn and the puppy by TheBuyer on May 14, 2004
  652. zombie internet dating by TheBuyer on May 16, 2004
  653. There I was, in the backroom, getting a blowjob from the soon-to-be-bride. by Will Disney on May 16, 2004
  654. Will I listen to Nirvana when I’m in my seventies? by Phony Millions on May 17, 2004
  655. Misogyny is my favorite sport. by Benny Maniacs on May 17, 2004
  656. Ma, Ma! by scoop on May 18, 2004
  657. The baby scurried for cover with the urgency of a cockroach when the kitchen light is flicked on. by scoop on May 19, 2004
  658. Dr. Fineberg was having GI problems by qualcomm on May 20, 2004
  659. After watching the full Wagnerian Ring cycle by Benny Maniacs on May 20, 2004
  660. Dr. Ptolemy Telegenicles fielded questions from the press. by Ewan Snow on May 20, 2004
  661. You get a lot of pussy here in the green zone. by Will Disney on May 21, 2004
  662. Delivery by TheBuyer on May 21, 2004
  663. “Imagine the story of a man..." by Ewan Snow on May 21, 2004
  664. Jacobsen held his breath and waited for the shooting to stop. by TheBuyer on May 21, 2004
  665. The Dialectics of Taking a Dump by Phony Millions on May 24, 2004
  666. Barry, wife Lynne and daughter Dawn were all in the backyard enjoying a beautiful spring day. by TheBuyer on May 25, 2004
  667. You Spin Me by Mr. Pony on May 27, 2004
  668. duh by qualcomm on May 28, 2004
  669. The wedding was the usual sort of thing. by qualcomm on May 28, 2004
  670. It was the first day of school. by Craig Lewis on May 28, 2004
  671. Pfineous caught a mouse tonight! by John Slocum on May 31, 2004
  672. I had a great glass of 2000 Vallone Brindisi Rosso Riserva at the bar at Lippa. by John Slocum on May 31, 2004
  673. *** Missed Connections *** by Will Disney on June 01, 2004
  674. Smartie Jones Versus Sir Shackleton by Mr. Pony on June 02, 2004
  675. Goddamn it, I miss that guy. by TheBuyer on June 02, 2004
  676. The Remarkable Tantrum of Dr. Kwargwark by TheBuyer on June 02, 2004
  677. Old Man Jenkins and I by Phony Millions on June 02, 2004
  678. I sat waiting in the audience at the Lafeteria for one reason and one reason only: to even the score with Jolly Jamie Jinkles. by Jon Matza on June 03, 2004
  679. A Happy Story by scoop on June 03, 2004
  680. Hunting Owl by qualcomm on June 04, 2004
  681. The Mindscapes of Charles Czynski by Jon Matza on June 04, 2004
  682. 1. Take Me Away - 3:05 by TheBuyer on June 04, 2004
  683. The Authors of Acme by Mr. Pony on June 05, 2004
  684. Mikey Leotard was chased by a completely insane dog by Benny Maniacs on June 05, 2004
  685. Smartie Jones: Epilogue by Mr. Pony on June 06, 2004
  686. One Fine Day in the Park by Jon Matza on June 08, 2004
  687. Another Round For The Couple At Table 306 by TheBuyer on June 09, 2004
  688. Sylvia pulled out her tampon and threw it in the trash. by Ewan Snow on June 09, 2004
  689. “All great wines are tense.” by John Slocum on June 10, 2004
  690. Tarzan was secretly watching a couple of apes having sex, and, god, it was turning him on. by Will Disney on June 10, 2004
  691. Tournament #3 - Winner: Will H. Disney by TheBuyer on June 10, 2004
  692. by Jon Matza on June 10, 2004
  693. by qualcomm on June 10, 2004
  694. by TheBuyer on June 10, 2004
  695. by TheBuyer on June 10, 2004
  696. by Will Disney on June 10, 2004
  697. by Mr. Pony on June 10, 2004
  698. by scoop on June 10, 2004
  699. The volcanic swelter... by Ewan Snow on June 11, 2004
  700. cuz people say yer in love and stuff, here's a fun song from grade school... by Dick Vomit on June 11, 2004
  701. I work with this fat fucking twat named James. by Benny Maniacs on June 13, 2004
  702. First appearance of The Finch (as anon_user_e) by Will Disney on June 14, 2004
  703. What he would do. by TheBuyer on June 14, 2004
  704. I had already spent a good half-hour considering my cock. by Craig Lewis on June 15, 2004
  705. A Day in The Life of a Jazz Slut by Phony Millions on June 15, 2004
  706. -omitted-5-oct-04 by TheBuyer on June 16, 2004
  707. Fairly vexed, Ass-man threw his hands up and walked out of the drawing room. by Benny Maniacs on June 16, 2004
  708. Loneliness waits in quiet corridors by Ewan Snow on June 16, 2004
  709. “When I look back at the slow shady days of childhood..." by Ewan Snow on June 16, 2004
  710. The wine tasted like violence towards women by John Slocum on June 17, 2004
  711. Dogfight by TheBuyer on June 17, 2004
  712. 37-yard attempt by Jon Matza on June 17, 2004
  713. Hollings by qualcomm on June 17, 2004
  714. The deer don't drink the water where the river passes my front gate. by TheBuyer on June 18, 2004
  715. Achmed had just arrived with another bowl of dates. by Craig Lewis on June 18, 2004
  716. The Anonymous Blackguard goes on a one-star rampage, setting in motion a chain of events resulting in the outlawing of anonymous voting by Will Disney on June 18, 2004
  717. Life, or something like it, had been stalking the Pederast lately and tonight it would finaly catch up with him. by scoop on June 19, 2004
  718. Poor One Armed Pete by scoop on June 19, 2004
  719. Mobius Trip by TheBuyer on June 19, 2004
  720. the old river danced like the moon singing... by Will Disney on June 21, 2004
  721. There was a time before time, when beasts walked the earth, and those beasts had a language called Zwargthram. by Benny Maniacs on June 21, 2004
  722. Have you stopped to consider genocide on the odors that contaminate the purity of your air? by scoop on June 22, 2004
  723. My New Country Music Song by TheBuyer on June 22, 2004
  724. “I’m sorry I went into your behind by John Slocum on June 23, 2004
  725. It's gettin It's gettin It's gettin kinda hectic by Benny Maniacs on June 23, 2004
  726. The Ancient Order of Acme by Ewan Snow on June 23, 2004
  727. I suffer from two irrational fears by TheBuyer on June 23, 2004
  728. Bring me more pork loin, more wine, more lobster bisque! by Craig Lewis on June 23, 2004
  729. TALES FROM THE DOCTOR’S DESK by Will Disney on June 25, 2004
  730. There was nothing even remotely arousing in Nilda Cortes' handling of the device called a stopcock. by qualcomm on June 25, 2004
  731. What is it. by scoop on June 26, 2004
  732. Leila and Jeffrey's long-smoldering attraction wasn't rekindled by one single glance--it was ignited into a blazing fireball. by Jon Matza on June 28, 2004
  733. “You think your shit don’t stink.” by Jimson S. Sorghum on June 29, 2004
  734. The station wagon was dark green by qualcomm on June 29, 2004
  735. The inventor’s latest attempt to build an indestructible woman ended with mixed results. by scoop on June 30, 2004
  736. Seven thousand Macedonians in full battle array by TheBuyer on June 30, 2004
  737. Star Trek Fan Fiction by Mr. Pony on June 30, 2004
  738. Star Trek Fan Fiction II by Mr. Pony on July 01, 2004
  739. Kyle climbed down off his horse and took a shit in the sagebrush by TheBuyer on July 01, 2004
  740. Herbert Wallace furiously paced his linoleum tiles, waiting for the call. by Benny Maniacs on July 01, 2004
  741. "...Anyway," I continued. by Craig Lewis on July 02, 2004
  742. “I think it’s the Friedl-Crafts Alkylation you’re after by John Slocum on July 03, 2004
  743. I had an obstreperous booger in the back right corner of my left nostril by John Slocum on July 03, 2004
  744. Trois couleurs: Brun by Dylan Danko on July 03, 2004
  745. Three Open Letters [All At The Same Time] by TheBuyer on July 05, 2004
  746. “Get in there,” he growled, jabbing the angel in the soft spot where the wings meet near the small of the back... by scoop on July 05, 2004
  747. Sidney Poitier was very disappointed in you. by qualcomm on July 05, 2004
  748. Ifferhite's graff-tex stockings snagged on her long but stubbly legs as she hurdled an oncoming Stromium bot by Benny Maniacs on July 07, 2004
  749. Marvin had to keep the final product in mind: by Benny Maniacs on July 08, 2004
  750. On stage with her bodhran, Melanie wailed, by TheBuyer on July 08, 2004
  751. Your grandfather was getting laid for the first time. by Will Disney on July 09, 2004
  752. Smartie Jones: The Denmark Trilogy, Part One by Mr. Pony on July 09, 2004
  753. The Method. by Craig Lewis on July 11, 2004
  754. I had sacrificed and eaten Reggie, my girlfriend's 2 year old by John Slocum on July 11, 2004
  755. I don't get excited very often. by Benny Maniacs on July 13, 2004
  756. Matza's Monolith Discourse sets off a mint furore by Jon Matza on July 13, 2004
  757. You want to make something of it? by qualcomm on July 14, 2004
  758. The Last Thing Craig Lewis Ever Did. by TheBuyer on July 15, 2004
  759. Jiggily wiggily bungily wungily higgledy piggledy strangely kapoongally by John Slocum on July 15, 2004
  760. The Old Man flaked the crusty net onto the deck. by Ewan Snow on July 15, 2004
  761. Leonard - Prologue by TheBuyer on July 15, 2004
  762. Leonard - Part 1 by TheBuyer on July 15, 2004
  763. Leonard - Part 2 by TheBuyer on July 15, 2004
  764. "I'm feelin' good!" the anonymous patient said to his Saturday night special, Rosa. by Benny Maniacs on July 16, 2004
  765. The front door of Dr. Stanley Touche by qualcomm on July 16, 2004
  766. When I awoke, I was on a raft in the middle of the ocean and with no land in sight. by Will Disney on July 16, 2004
  767. I was growing more and more disgusted with the way everyone was ordering their latte by John Slocum on July 18, 2004
  768. “Duuude, Iiiiiimmmmm goooinnnnnggggg to graaaabb anotttthhhher beeeeeeeerrrrrr, oooooookayyyyyyy?” It was that freaking ghost again, and surprise-surprise, he wanted another freaking beer. My beer. by scoop on July 19, 2004
  769. It was hard to deny that my extreme anal makeover had been something of a lemon. by Jon Matza on July 19, 2004
  770. FUCK YOU, SWITCHBACK. by Dick Vomit on July 20, 2004
  771. I grow weary of the current discounts available to me, to us, on several items at local shops and outlets. by scoop on July 21, 2004
  772. Sir: by qualcomm on July 22, 2004
  773. How was I to know when I slipped the headphones on that a screaming onslaught of machine gun guitar licks would fly off the strings of Jimmy Page’s Stratocaster... by Jon Matza on July 22, 2004
  774. Leonard - Part 3 by TheBuyer on July 22, 2004
  775. Tiger Yitzakh (named after his uncle, Tiger Sedgwick - his mother’s brother), a cunt to a man, rolled a first class bone on the coffee table, lit it up and toked that shit by John Slocum on July 23, 2004
  776. An Election Year by scoop on July 23, 2004
  777. Leonard - Part 4 by TheBuyer on July 25, 2004
  778. I love free food from the subway! by Will Disney on July 26, 2004
  779. Countess Tatiana Rimski-Premikov lifted the billowing tulle gathers by qualcomm on July 26, 2004
  780. I got a new doctor, a lady doctor, and even though she wasn’t all that hot, she really turned me on. by Ewan Snow on July 26, 2004
  781. Lassie came dashing in and the feeling of emergency filled the room. by TheBuyer on July 26, 2004
  782. Mr Pony Fan Fiction - Elsewhere On The Day Smartie Jones Didn by TheBuyer on July 27, 2004
  783. Leonard - Part 5 - Part 6 - Done. by TheBuyer on July 27, 2004
  784. Smartie Jones: The Denmark Trilogy, Part Two by Mr. Pony on July 28, 2004
  785. Important Message Board Discussion - Lustre by TheBuyer on July 28, 2004
  786. The Journey! by scoop on July 29, 2004
  787. I had that dream again. by Dylan Danko on July 29, 2004
  788. Good News by qualcomm on July 29, 2004
  789. Don't pass out first. by TheBuyer on July 30, 2004
  790. I stumbled on an epiphany the other day, when I was thinking about that fact that babies are for sex. by Benny Maniacs on July 30, 2004
  791. Smelling of pickled herring by qualcomm on July 30, 2004
  792. "She did it again!" by Jon Matza on July 30, 2004
  793. Aside from some nagging technical glitches, Werner Beefcock had been pleasantly surprised with the electrical collar he purchased for his wife. by scoop on July 31, 2004
  794. The Forgotten Ones by Jon Matza on July 31, 2004
  795. Letter of Reference by TheBuyer on August 01, 2004
  796. Gregory's Tale by Jon Matza on August 06, 2004
  797. At first William Warren didn't understand what Todd Tanner meant by "Bring your rubber hole." by Jon Matza on August 09, 2004
  798. bonerman69 by TheBuyer on August 09, 2004
  799. Sergeant! by scoop on August 10, 2004
  800. I’ve never like your austere Loire Valley Chenin Blanc, and you can take your hands off my tits. In fact, it’s over between us…we’re through.” by John Slocum on August 10, 2004
  801. PU by qualcomm on August 10, 2004
  802. Epic Argument - TheBuyer v. Jon Matza by Mr. Pony on August 11, 2004
  803. Me! by qualcomm on August 11, 2004
  804. "This '44 Schlumberger has a real Goebbels thing going on", I said slicing a razor thin section from the Jew eyeball I was enjoying with a bit of aged Explorateur. by Jon Matza on August 12, 2004
  805. Becky squirmed and squiggled in the church pew. by Dick Vomit on August 12, 2004
  806. Henry liked to make wishes by qualcomm on August 13, 2004
  807. “I feel like a failure.” by Ewan Snow on August 13, 2004
  808. Once time my uncle Jimmy was suffering a severe bout of the ass. by Benny Maniacs on August 13, 2004
  809. The seeds of my downfall were sown in January, 19XX by John Slocum on August 15, 2004
  810. Jack was a man but he was only five inches tall and he could fly. by Will Disney on August 16, 2004
  811. A Specific Numer of Bees Are Introduced to Acmeshorts by TheBuyer on August 16, 2004
  812. Pride and the Downfall of the Guest Author by TheBuyer on August 17, 2004
  813. Kids today are incredibly media-savvy. by qualcomm on August 18, 2004
  814. Joe: Handjob. by Will Disney on August 19, 2004
  815. Jake Kohler by qualcomm on August 19, 2004
  816. Rassman by qualcomm on August 20, 2004
  817. My pussy gets really wet at the drop of a pin and the juice runs outta my fuck-hole and down into my ass-crack by John Slocum on August 21, 2004
  818. RE: My Feces, Scent of by TheBuyer on August 23, 2004
  819. Fuck, Braxton Hicks said, after he was hit by lightening. by Benny Maniacs on August 24, 2004
  820. A voice I never heard before and probably never will hear again rescued me last week while I was taking a dump in the last stall of the bathroom where I work. by scoop on August 24, 2004
  821. You have cooties, you have cooties! by scoop on August 25, 2004
  822. The Hilarious Children In A Hospice by TheBuyer on August 25, 2004
  823. Her dimensions were useful by qualcomm on August 26, 2004
  824. Welcome, matriculants by qualcomm on August 26, 2004
  825. "Okay," by qualcomm on August 26, 2004
  826. After 17 years underground, Hannakack, a periodical cicada, emerged out of the ground and climbed a tree. by Benny Maniacs on August 27, 2004
  827. I stared down at my naked, prostrate wife with shock, disbelief and revulsion. by Jon Matza on August 27, 2004
  828. Man, I had the weirdest dream last night. by qualcomm on August 30, 2004
  829. The Hilarious Jew Across from The Hospice by TheBuyer on August 30, 2004
  830. Sommelier Feldman sidled up to the table of 4 young nubiles. "Can I help you with the wine list, ladies?" he said suavely. by John Slocum on September 02, 2004
  831. I'm thinking of a story about an Indian guy from India. by Benny Maniacs on September 06, 2004
  832. Sukilh and his three daughters lived outside of Jakarta near the landfill. by qualcomm on September 07, 2004
  833. When Kate turned six, she got a birthday present from her brothers and sisters. by TheBuyer on September 08, 2004
  834. Joe Strong’s car cut through the LA night, like pea soup. by Will Disney on September 08, 2004
  835. Special Commemorative September 11th Edition by scoop on September 09, 2004
  836. Rule #14 by TheBuyer on September 09, 2004
  837. Tad wiped the top of the bar at the Regal Beagle, absently dipping his rag in to the sink filled with tepid water and a few squirts of lemon-lime scented Palmolive. by scoop on September 10, 2004
  838. A short involving several compelling facets of Vincent Gallo. by scoop on September 11, 2004
  839. "If you will do me this one favor", I said to the Al Jar Mushdeen executioner. by Benny Maniacs on September 12, 2004
  840. Acquaintances and friends alike constantly ask me, "How do you manage to lead such a comfortable lifestyle yet still maintain financial stability?" by Jon Matza on September 12, 2004
  841. Okay, here we are! by qualcomm on September 12, 2004
  842. “A man’s sense of self worth is intimately tied to his sense of control over the movements of his colon.” by John Slocum on September 13, 2004
  843. The oak tree was young so its bark yielded easily beneath the thick, sharp blade of Frankie’s buck knife. by scoop on September 14, 2004
  844. Terminal Disease by TheBuyer on September 15, 2004
  845. Merlin the Magnificent’s black cape billowed as he strode in the center of Arthur’s bazaar to find out what was the cause of the kerfuffle. by scoop on September 17, 2004
  846. I was in my study when I heard my wife's Infinity FX hum to life in the garage. by Benny Maniacs on September 19, 2004
  847. Streifenbeuteldachs, looking for Ben-Wa balls, finds Acme instead by Mr. Pony on September 19, 2004
  848. Peter had a goal. by Will Disney on September 21, 2004
  849. "My, but aren't YOU the hunkiest hunk of roasted beef in the universe?" by Dick Vomit on September 22, 2004
  850. You'd be surprised at the resources available to inmates of modern prisons. by qualcomm on September 23, 2004
  851. You wanted a short, Disney? by Jon Matza on September 25, 2004
  852. Tournament #4 - Winner: qualcomm by TheBuyer on September 26, 2004
  853. by qualcomm on September 26, 2004
  854. by Will Disney on September 26, 2004
  855. Kofi Annan absentmindedly fingered the burled walnut inlays on his Bentley's rear passenger control panel. by qualcomm on September 26, 2004
  856. by scoop on September 26, 2004
  857. by Mr. Pony on September 26, 2004
  858. I am a writer but I suffer from severe jock-itch. by John Slocum on September 26, 2004
  859. The third wish god damn it. by scoop on September 26, 2004
  860. Traci Lords, Amber Lynn and Tori Welles marched up the steps of the Capitol building brandishing a flag. by Benny Maniacs on September 27, 2004
  861. Victor stands before them, accused. by TheBuyer on September 28, 2004
  862. “Later, when I’m fucking you from behind, I’m going to stick my finger in your ass by John Slocum on September 29, 2004
  863. Short Lists by TheBuyer on September 29, 2004
  864. Citizen ZDK-2756 reached in to the glove compartment of his Saudi powered flying car and handed his North American Federation government issued ID to the Sony designed cop. by scoop on September 30, 2004
  865. Matza short magically prophesizes Fall of Acme by Jon Matza on October 01, 2004
  866. Golden shafts of sunlight danced sirloinly in the autumn air as the villagers sought to reap the bounty of their rad harvest. by Jon Matza on October 01, 2004
  867. I'm training for the marathon. by qualcomm on October 01, 2004
  868. Deelon Dinko, Traveller through Time! by Will Disney on October 04, 2004
  869. I was out raking leaves when I heard a voice whisper my name. by qualcomm on October 04, 2004
  870. Janet held the home pregnancy test strip in her smelly urine stream and prayed. by qualcomm on October 06, 2004
  871. As Eric Schwartz' Fecal Submarine No. 11,547 broke the fragile surface of the toilet water, Captain Jim hollered at his men. by Benny Maniacs on October 06, 2004
  872. The thrill was gone. by Jon Matza on October 07, 2004
  873. Post-Traumatic Fever Dreams by scoop on October 08, 2004
  874. What if they invented a force field? by Ewan Snow on October 12, 2004
  875. “Hey, Greco, why the dumb face?” by Ewan Snow on October 12, 2004
  876. Top off that Rob Roy for you, Charles? by qualcomm on October 13, 2004
  877. It was like Red Dawn, except all the Russian invaders were Al Quaeda. by Benny Maniacs on October 13, 2004
  878. Billy Crystal felt hot tears roll down the bridge of his nose and into the space once occupied by his stupid beard. by Jon Matza on October 14, 2004
  879. Yurndt breaks silence, weighs in by Jon Matza on October 17, 2004
  880. From the time she got home by TheBuyer on October 20, 2004
  881. A Treatise on Horror by Jon Matza on October 20, 2004
  882. It was an overcast Monday fall morning when I realized my wife was in league with the mites… by scoop on October 20, 2004
  883. Be warned, ladies—I’m like a pit bull when it comes to pussy. by Jon Matza on October 20, 2004
  884. Cry Havoc, and Let Slip the Wages of Intimacy by qualcomm on October 21, 2004
  885. Nice fuckin' boots. by Dick Vomit on October 21, 2004
  886. It was by TheBuyer on October 21, 2004
  887. “Three is the magic number,” said Danforth. by Jimson S. Sorghum on October 21, 2004
  888. Poor Horace...! by Jon Matza on October 22, 2004
  889. Election Day Special! by scoop on October 25, 2004
  890. A penis woke up in the morning by TheBuyer on October 26, 2004
  891. God and his dumb kid by TheBuyer on October 26, 2004
  892. It’s tough being in prison. by Will Disney on October 26, 2004
  893. Aphid Mezrik climbed aboard the municipal Sport Utility Bus by Dick Vomit on October 26, 2004
  894. Smartie Jones: The Denmark Trilogy, Part Three by Mr. Pony on October 27, 2004
  895. Daddy, where do people go when they go away forever. by Dylan Danko on October 27, 2004
  896. Henry was delighted by TheBuyer on October 29, 2004
  897. My pineal gland was hurting me. by Benny Maniacs on October 29, 2004
  898. “Mommy! Daddy! There’s a monster under my bed!" by scoop on October 31, 2004
  899. The Last Phallicorn by Dick Vomit on November 01, 2004
  900. Grand Unified Theory by qualcomm on November 01, 2004
  901. All about eggs! by Jon Matza on November 02, 2004
  902. First appearance of TREE by Will Disney on November 04, 2004
  903. I’m building a small wooden box in which I intend to spend the rest of my life. by Ewan Snow on November 04, 2004
  904. Three non-tenured individuals sat side by side in Room C. by Jon Matza on November 04, 2004
  905. The One with the Cell Phone by Mr. Pony on November 05, 2004
  906. I remember it well. by Dylan Danko on November 05, 2004
  907. Joel LaMignon is a brilliant MIT student with a penchant for high risk behavior by Benny Maniacs on November 06, 2004
  908. Dr. Henry’s theory was proven correct, and the rest of them were put to shame. by Benny Maniacs on November 06, 2004
  909. WORST SHORT EVER! by scoop on November 07, 2004
  910. Nothing comes from nothing. by Will Disney on November 08, 2004
  911. Meatpacking requires Meatpackers by scoop on November 08, 2004
  912. Father Miller vs. The Squid God by Mr. Pony on November 09, 2004
  913. Tournament #5 - Winner: Will H. Disney by TheBuyer on November 09, 2004
  914. by Will Disney on November 09, 2004
  915. by TheBuyer on November 09, 2004
  916. by Jon Matza on November 09, 2004
  917. by Dick Vomit on November 09, 2004
  918. by Mr. Pony on November 09, 2004
  919. The Stench of the Soil by Ewan Snow on November 12, 2004
  920. Ramsay was a virgin by TheBuyer on November 12, 2004
  921. A Hole by TheBuyer on November 13, 2004
  922. Many adults complain today's youngsters lack respect for authority... by Jon Matza on November 16, 2004
  923. When I came back to my car and saw that orange paper on the windshield by qualcomm on November 18, 2004
  924. When ol' Jacob Truetree posted bills for his First Annual Raree and Exhibition of Fistic Science, most folks didn't expect the old codger himself to headline the card. by qualcomm on November 19, 2004
  925. Dear Sirs, by Dylan Danko on November 20, 2004
  926. They said it could never happening. Well it's happening. THE ALIEN RAIDERS by Benny Maniacs on November 21, 2004
  927. Up there in the closet, Edward had a pretty good view. by Will Disney on November 22, 2004
  928. The Sweet Kittens Play In A Pile of Soft Things by TheBuyer on November 22, 2004
  929. Consider this its epitaph. by Ewan Snow on November 22, 2004
  930. How Working At The Drive-Thru Can Kill You by TheBuyer on November 23, 2004
  931. Captain, I can't get high off this mermaid! by scoop on November 26, 2004
  932. Will Disney looked at the authors' left hand menu... by Jon Matza on November 29, 2004
  933. I go through a heck of a lot... by qualcomm on November 30, 2004
  934. Burt strode executively to the whiteboard and squeaked off the cap to a Dry Erase marker. by Dick Vomit on November 30, 2004
  935. Prelude to a Regret by Ewan Snow on December 01, 2004
  936. A Virgin Tries to Talk His Way Into a Blowjob by TheBuyer on December 02, 2004
  937. "And this is my insignificant other," I said, pushing Debbie forward. by qualcomm on December 02, 2004
  938. I peeled off my sock and examined the large open sore on my instep. by Ewan Snow on December 02, 2004
  939. Protopatrio-sexual fucking ritual test #127A by scoop on December 03, 2004
  940. I woke up this morning with amnesia. by Jon Matza on December 03, 2004
  941. Motion raised to lick your cunt. by qualcomm on December 06, 2004
  942. [Excerpt from The Comprehensive Guide to Superhero Lineage] by Dick Vomit on December 06, 2004
  943. Katrina wore the pants in the family. by Dick Vomit on December 06, 2004
  944. Right then and there I made my decision. by John Slocum on December 07, 2004
  945. Conversation between the sexes. by John Slocum on December 08, 2004
  946. Asshole Dandruff by TheBuyer on December 08, 2004
  947. I walked into the emergency room sicker than shit and the doctor came in, shutting the door abruptly. by Phony Millions on December 09, 2004
  948. Being an author, I decided I was all powerful and omniscient. by Dick Vomit on December 10, 2004
  949. Jim Lipidina met Linda Gregario in 1983 at a Journey concert in the Hartford Civic Center. by Phony Millions on December 11, 2004
  950. Fuck. by scoop on December 11, 2004
  951. Aromas and Love Part III by John Slocum on December 12, 2004
  952. Microman vs. Baron Von Shrinkthofen by Mr. Pony on December 12, 2004
  953. Sooner or later they all fell. by qualcomm on December 13, 2004
  954. Birdneck by Dick Vomit on December 13, 2004
  955. Dr. Seuss and scoop fail to negotiate a sexual interlude by Dick Vomit on December 14, 2004
  956. When last call finally came around Chaperón Jiménez was mindful to wait ten full Mississippis before slithering up to the underage skank at the bar. by Jon Matza on December 14, 2004
  957. Dictation. by scoop on December 19, 2004
  958. My dog Henry had died, and I really loved this dog. by Will Disney on December 20, 2004
  959. The Plot Against Tatooine by Ewan Snow on December 20, 2004
  960. Non-alcoholic whiskey by qualcomm on December 21, 2004
  961. Shane Mahoney fails to see how exactly one short by every prominent member of the Acme Community addresses certain pressing issues, and awards each exactly one star. by Mr. Pony on December 24, 2004
  962. Don't try to console me, brother: I just lost my best girl. by Jon Matza on December 24, 2004
  963. "Good point." by scoop on December 26, 2004
  964. cocks and fucking by TheBuyer on December 28, 2004
  965. Young, innocent blond pussy and rock-hard, long black cock by John Slocum on December 28, 2004
  966. I was having an existential crisis... by Ewan Snow on December 30, 2004
  967. Snorgshank the Barbarian sank his broadsword deep into the orc king's flesh-hole. by Jon Matza on January 01, 2005
  968. I think we need to strategize the refrigerator better by John Slocum on January 02, 2005
  969. The Old Timer by scoop on January 02, 2005
  970. The gay godfather by Ewan Snow on January 03, 2005
  971. I.. I just... by qualcomm on January 04, 2005
  972. Johnny: Mr. Carter, where you were yesterday? by Benny Maniacs on January 04, 2005
  973. Understanding Comics Even Better by Jon Matza on January 06, 2005
  974. hagit mizrachy crams a day's worth of insanity into three hours or so; retires personality, more or less by Mr. Pony on January 07, 2005
  975. Tim kissed Susan with resignation at the entrance to his apartment and said goodbye, shutting the door. by Phony Millions on January 07, 2005
  976. Listen by Dylan Danko on January 08, 2005
  977. John watched by TheBuyer on January 12, 2005
  978. APOOCALYPSE BROWN: Part I by Dick Vomit on January 12, 2005
  979. APOOCALYPSE BROWN: Part II by Dick Vomit on January 12, 2005
  980. APOOCALYPSE BROWN: Part III by Dick Vomit on January 12, 2005
  981. APOOCALYPSE BROWN: Part IV by Dick Vomit on January 12, 2005
  982. APOOCALYPSE BROWN: Part V by Dick Vomit on January 12, 2005
  983. APOOCALYPSE BROWN: Part VI by Dick Vomit on January 12, 2005
  984. APOOCALYPSE BROWN: Part VII by Dick Vomit on January 12, 2005
  985. Just tell me what happened. by Dick Vomit on January 13, 2005
  986. Swirling in the widening gyre, bland corruption mephiticized the mid-twentieth century American novel. by qualcomm on January 13, 2005
  987. To be accurate, I only drink when I'm already high by TheBuyer on January 13, 2005
  988. Ben's Boner by Jon Matza on January 14, 2005
  989. I'd been tasked by qualcomm on January 14, 2005
  990. The elf's semen has healing properties. by qualcomm on January 15, 2005
  991. Groucho finds out he is dying. by scoop on January 16, 2005
  992. Jane *loved* giving blowjobs. by Will Disney on January 16, 2005
  993. I once knew this Japanese girl who was in this little world of her own. by Benny Maniacs on January 17, 2005
  994. Dave set his coffee down by TheBuyer on January 18, 2005
  995. This short is not to be doubted. by qualcomm on January 19, 2005
  996. Who wrote this one? by Ewan Snow on January 19, 2005
  997. Butch pulled off his cap... by Ewan Snow on January 20, 2005
  998. A dense and wild forest... by Ewan Snow on January 20, 2005
  999. I’m not willing to compromise. by Ewan Snow on January 20, 2005
  1000. untitled by Ewan Snow on January 20, 2005
  1001. I don’t presume to tell you your business. by Ewan Snow on January 20, 2005
  1002. Madman and Beav by Jon Matza on January 20, 2005
  1003. To initiate guys into our soccer club by TheBuyer on January 21, 2005
  1004. Mac by qualcomm on January 21, 2005
  1005. Dr. Gregori threw up into the sink, then inhaled the pendulous, sludgy vomit, and threw it up again by Benny Maniacs on January 22, 2005
  1006. The three cerulean moons of Morktond lurched inexorably toward each other... by scoop on January 23, 2005
  1007. Laura and I by Phony Millions on January 24, 2005
  1008. Tournament #6 - Winner: qualcomm by TheBuyer on January 25, 2005
  1009. by TheBuyer on January 25, 2005
  1010. by Will Disney on January 25, 2005
  1011. by Mr. Pony on January 25, 2005
  1012. by qualcomm on January 25, 2005
  1013. by Benny Maniacs on January 25, 2005
  1014. by Dick Vomit on January 25, 2005
  1015. by scoop on January 25, 2005
  1016. by John Slocum on January 25, 2005
  1017. FDR Fart by John Slocum on January 27, 2005
  1018. Ever since I found Zoo-lady, my life has become unexpectedly meaningful. by Benny Maniacs on January 27, 2005
  1019. I have these dreams about throwing up by TheBuyer on January 28, 2005
  1020. "I think I'll telegraph the end of this short," said Roald Dahl fingering his turtle head as the magic elevator shot out of the ionoshphere like a turd into the giant, black maw of outer space by John Slocum on January 28, 2005
  1021. As a man grows older he tends to become more and more concerned with my legacy. by Jon Matza on January 28, 2005
  1022. Defau Winston III stared at his reflection in the lens of the government video camera... by scoop on January 30, 2005
  1023. Concorde 77 by qualcomm on January 30, 2005
  1024. Aaaaaaa by Mr. Pony on February 01, 2005
  1025. I spent an hour by TheBuyer on February 04, 2005
  1026. The Chinaman was up to something devious... by Jon Matza on February 07, 2005
  1027. A cure for cancer. by John Slocum on February 07, 2005
  1028. The woman who sat across from Peter on the train every morning had been away the week before. by Will Disney on February 07, 2005
  1029. The middling ghost haunted the not particularly desolate moor with its customary apathy. by Jon Matza on February 09, 2005
  1030. The Three Brothers by TheBuyer on February 10, 2005
  1031. Funny how I became the bad guy by qualcomm on February 10, 2005
  1032. Tom Cruise and that cute little girl from Man on Fire and I Am Sam by Benny Maniacs on February 10, 2005
  1033. Dan danced with his wife Sylvia at the wedding, regarding the floral arrangements with satisfaction. by Phony Millions on February 11, 2005
  1034. I had to go home for my parent’s fiftieth wedding anniversary. by Jimson S. Sorghum on February 11, 2005
  1035. qualcomm and TREE engage in one of the most epic and important battles in Acme history by Mr. Pony on February 14, 2005
  1036. A palate's a crazy, mixed-up thing to base your life on by John Slocum on February 15, 2005
  1037. Dr. Pimsling by Dick Vomit on February 16, 2005
  1038. Fuck the Pope by Dick Vomit on February 16, 2005
  1039. President's Day by qualcomm on February 16, 2005
  1040. Talk to Her Pussy. by John Slocum on February 16, 2005
  1041. James A. Michener's West Hartford by qualcomm on February 16, 2005
  1042. Ava and the FYORNCH by Mr. Pony on February 17, 2005
  1043. Dan and Rajnahish: A Ventriloquist's Story by scoop on February 18, 2005
  1044. Jennifer Lopez's ass was flying over the suburban town. by Will Disney on February 20, 2005
  1045. Carlotta held her great, fluffy tuchus in the air. by Jimson S. Sorghum on February 21, 2005
  1046. In the field before him, Dr. Fisk, geologist, was held entranced by his team excavating a diamond pipe. by Benny Maniacs on February 21, 2005
  1047. Morontown by qualcomm on February 21, 2005
  1048. The life of Howard. by John Slocum on February 21, 2005
  1049. Browse Shorts by: by Jon Matza on February 21, 2005
  1050. The Great Fish-Beast of Calcutta by Jon Matza on February 22, 2005
  1051. Dear everyone, by TheBuyer on February 22, 2005
  1052. Ava and the FYORNCH: The Buffet by Mr. Pony on February 24, 2005
  1053. The animals. by Dick Vomit on February 25, 2005
  1054. Ivan looked and looked, digging into the snow with his thickly mittened gloves, but he could not find his soul. by Benny Maniacs on February 25, 2005
  1055. The Old Neighborhood. by scoop on February 26, 2005
  1056. Unfucked. by scoop on February 27, 2005
  1057. The Ear by TheBuyer on February 28, 2005
  1058. There was only one way to describe Phineas Gage’s mood: irritable. by John Slocum on March 01, 2005
  1059. The Best Boyfriend in the World by qualcomm on March 01, 2005
  1060. I always do jobs on foot. by Ewan Snow on March 02, 2005
  1061. A Picasso by Ewan Snow on March 02, 2005
  1062. Joe and the Insurgents by TheBuyer on March 03, 2005
  1063. Yeah, so Silvio Berlusconi was givin' me the ol' five-knuckle shuffle... by Dick Vomit on March 03, 2005
  1064. I quit my job the day I won the lotto. by TheBuyer on March 03, 2005
  1065. “My name’s Jack and I’m forty-two." by Phony Millions on March 03, 2005
  1066. ARE YOU A WOMAN PLANNING ON COMMITTING SUICIDE? by Will Disney on March 04, 2005
  1067. My name is Gerald Durmursenton... by Jon Matza on March 04, 2005
  1068. Ava and The FYORNCH: Ava's First Time by Mr. Pony on March 05, 2005
  1069. Before the Great War, when Fatsoes ruled the world by Benny Maniacs on March 07, 2005
  1070. I thought it would be safe by qualcomm on March 12, 2005
  1071. STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS, PLEASE. by Dick Vomit on March 14, 2005
  1072. The Dinner Party by qualcomm on March 14, 2005
  1073. Snow and qualcomm have a mindbending argument over which of them is meaner by Mr. Pony on March 15, 2005
  1074. Her cunt was getting wetter and wetter with every sip. by John Slocum on March 16, 2005
  1075. Food supplies were running dangerously low. by scoop on March 16, 2005
  1076. new guy by TheBuyer on March 17, 2005
  1077. Vicks by scoop on March 17, 2005
  1078. If you asked Bates... by Jon Matza on March 17, 2005
  1079. Selected Shorts by Ewan Snow on March 18, 2005
  1080. A Love for Fool by Ewan Snow on March 18, 2005
  1081. Beardsley by Ewan Snow on March 18, 2005
  1082. The Poles by Dick Vomit on March 20, 2005
  1083. Ava and The FYORNCH: Ava's Last Day by Mr. Pony on March 22, 2005
  1084. Ava and The FYORNCH: Enter The FYORNCH by Mr. Pony on March 22, 2005
  1085. Nude Descending a Staircase by Ewan Snow on March 23, 2005
  1086. First Short that merely mentions Chanukah by Mr. Pony on March 24, 2005
  1087. retarded cat by TheBuyer on March 24, 2005
  1088. This is the story of Genry Iosconturo. by Jon Matza on March 24, 2005
  1089. Garrett by Dick Vomit on March 27, 2005
  1090. group by TheBuyer on March 31, 2005
  1091. Father walked towards me slowly, brandishing a straight-edge razor. by Jon Matza on April 01, 2005
  1092. Where she at by qualcomm on April 01, 2005
  1093. The purpose of this short, reader... by Jon Matza on April 01, 2005
  1094. The miniature robots moved up Sally’s vagina into her uterus, heading toward the fallopian tubes. by Will Disney on April 02, 2005
  1095. What Ketchup Can Do To a Guy by John Slocum on April 02, 2005
  1096. Supply and Demand by Ewan Snow on April 04, 2005
  1097. The Healing Hands of Christ by TheBuyer on April 06, 2005
  1098. Aromas and Love Part IV by John Slocum on April 06, 2005
  1099. You are sick by John Slocum on April 06, 2005
  1100. FUCKING WILL H DISNEY FUCK by Dick Vomit on April 07, 2005
  1101. After breakdancing for a while, a teenage Karol Wojtyla took a breather by Benny Maniacs on April 08, 2005
  1102. My Name is Chester by TheBuyer on April 08, 2005
  1103. Dead Author by TheBuyer on April 09, 2005
  1104. On account of his adventures on the raft with Jim by Ewan Snow on April 12, 2005
  1105. Chapter CMXXIV by Ewan Snow on April 12, 2005
  1106. Tournament #7 - Winner: Jon Matza by TheBuyer on April 12, 2005
  1107. Jim had gone out drunk driving, had hit a pole, and had become a statistic. by Will Disney on April 12, 2005
  1108. Jeffry sat on his fluffy duvet by TheBuyer on April 12, 2005
  1109. The blank page is a whore by Ewan Snow on April 12, 2005
  1110. "Studies show that fat people are five times as likely..." by Jon Matza on April 12, 2005
  1111. I've got a number of facts at the ready by Dylan Danko on April 12, 2005
  1112. Statistics by Mr. Pony on April 12, 2005
  1113. I'd like to extend my gratitude to each of you... by Jon Matza on April 18, 2005
  1114. The first Guest Month is announced by Mr. Pony on April 21, 2005
  1115. Darth Vader thoughtfully worked over his magenta plasticine by Benny Maniacs on April 21, 2005
  1116. Chapter CMXXIV by Ewan Snow on April 21, 2005
  1117. Hey, Jackie, I like your friend, Sonia. by John Slocum on April 23, 2005
  1118. The man cockroach was fucking the lady cockroach. by Will Disney on April 24, 2005
  1119. Welcome Back, Sir! by Will Disney on May 13, 2005
  1120. My bland expression belied the emotional turmoil by qualcomm on May 18, 2005
  1121. I used my Dremel tool to cut a real sweet quarter inch bevelled groove in my skull by TheBuyer on May 19, 2005
  1122. A brave group of heroes valliantly defends the Wikipedia Acmeshorts article. by Mr. Pony on May 19, 2005
  1123. Little Elsie looked so pretty standing at the corner in her red dress... by Jon Matza on May 20, 2005
  1124. I had the Belgian slut just where I wanted her by qualcomm on May 21, 2005
  1125. "If God really exists as described in the Bible, why doesn't He just prove it?" by Jon Matza on May 22, 2005
  1126. Dan was fifty thousand feet tall, and could fit inside a regular-sized thimble. by Mr. Pony on May 24, 2005
  1127. My Little Pony and me have done nothing wrong by TheBuyer on May 25, 2005
  1128. David could see by TheBuyer on May 26, 2005
  1129. What was left of Johnny... by scoop on May 26, 2005
  1130. If you grew up on the East Coast, chances are... by Jon Matza on May 27, 2005
  1131. Ronald Hankpanker had trouble getting women to fuck him. by John Slocum on May 30, 2005
  1132. There was a place that the nuns went to be on vacation. by Mr. Pony on June 01, 2005
  1133. The Day of The Kittens by TheBuyer on June 01, 2005
  1134. Acmeshorts/KittenWar Entries by Mr. Pony on June 01, 2005
  1135. There was a hermit woman... by Benny Maniacs on June 02, 2005
  1136. My feelings were hurt again, and this time it wasn't just the name calling. by Jon Matza on June 06, 2005
  1137. Have you tried Vaginol, Sherri? by Jon Matza on June 08, 2005
  1138. AcmeShorts by Will Disney on June 09, 2005
  1139. Welcome to the future, folks! by Will Disney on June 09, 2005
  1140. Stomach Foot by qualcomm on June 09, 2005
  1141. Old Summer Sausage by Mr. Pony on June 09, 2005
  1142. Ol' Summer Sausage by qualcomm on June 09, 2005
  1143. qualcomm by TheBuyer on June 09, 2005
  1144. you are a cunt by Jon Matza on June 09, 2005
  1145. FU by TheBuyer on June 09, 2005
  1146. Death Blossom by Mr. Pony on June 09, 2005
  1147. Rainbow Bridge, The by Mr. Pony on June 09, 2005
  1148. God was sitting in his office by TheBuyer on June 09, 2005
  1149. Wikipedia by Mr. Pony on June 09, 2005
  1150. Muppety by qualcomm on June 10, 2005
  1151. And the meeting of the Order Commenced by TheBuyer on June 10, 2005
  1152. Before the time of yore... by Ewan Snow on June 10, 2005
  1153. Egg Martini by Ewan Snow on June 10, 2005
  1154. Two people walked down the street. by Ewan Snow on June 10, 2005
  1155. Commander Cain by Mr. Pony on June 12, 2005
  1156. I don't know about the other guys on this site--but I feel less concerned about "yesterdays" than I do about "tomorrows"! by Jon Matza on June 12, 2005
  1157. “This,” Dave whispered, pausing with a showman’s instincts, “is where the magic happens.” by scoop on June 12, 2005
  1158. Mr. Pony apotheosizes into a being of pure irony by qualcomm on June 13, 2005
  1159. First regular weekday with no new Author Short since beginning of New Cruelty by Will Disney on June 16, 2005
  1160. , no? by Will Disney on June 16, 2005
  1161. Ooh! Oww! Oooh! by Jon Matza on June 16, 2005
  1162. He bled out and became a body before the ambulance arrived. by qualcomm on June 16, 2005
  1163. mulp by Mr. Pony on June 16, 2005
  1164. Grolsch, guy? by Mr. Pony on June 16, 2005
  1165. brother by Mr. Pony on June 16, 2005
  1166. feelings by TheBuyer on June 16, 2005
  1167. "good guy" by TheBuyer on June 16, 2005
  1168. clove hitch by TheBuyer on June 16, 2005
  1169. TV coroners always eat sandwiches by TheBuyer on June 17, 2005
  1170. pentultimate by TheBuyer on June 17, 2005
  1171. Spider & Scorpion by Mr. Pony on June 18, 2005
  1172. You are not a winner. by scoop on June 19, 2005
  1173. I will never forget my first sexual experience and I'm going to tell you about it right now. by Mr. Pony on June 19, 2005
  1174. Alexander and his local guide, Akbar, sat at the counter, sipping ouzo. by Will Disney on June 19, 2005
  1175. retards by TheBuyer on June 20, 2005
  1176. mom and dad by TheBuyer on June 22, 2005
  1177. “Okay folks, it’s time to listen to me..." by Ewan Snow on June 23, 2005
  1178. My Own Private Golgotha by Mr. Pony on June 24, 2005
  1179. Homosexuality may refer to a sexual orientation characterized by... by Jon Matza on June 26, 2005
  1180. And now, as all hope seems lost, I am rescued. by Mr. Pony on June 26, 2005
  1181. OHHHHHHH baby... by scoop on June 26, 2005
  1182. You're rhymes are so stupid that they're deaf, blind and dumb by Benny Maniacs on June 27, 2005
  1183. Poor, poor Mumfrey by scoop on June 29, 2005
  1184. James…do you find me attractive? by Jon Matza on June 29, 2005
  1185. In the blink of an eye everything you’ve worked for your whole life can be reduced to nothing! by Jon Matza on June 29, 2005
  1186. The train station at Toulouse was confusing... by Will Disney on July 01, 2005
  1187. When I raise my hand, I always make you flinch by Benny Maniacs on July 02, 2005
  1188. Sting by qualcomm on July 03, 2005
  1189. "James...do you find me attractive?" by Jon Matza on July 08, 2005
  1190. Sir Johnsberry stood with sword drawn as the dragon approached the village. by Will Disney on July 09, 2005
  1191. Troy sat on a bench fiddling with his tink-tink. by TheBuyer on July 09, 2005
  1192. Once upon a time there were three boys named Timmy, Tommy and Tootay. by Jon Matza on July 09, 2005
  1193. Knute's not all bad. by scoop on July 10, 2005
  1194. My combo and I were really cookin by qualcomm on July 10, 2005
  1195. Fantastic Four Fan Fiction by Mr. Pony on July 10, 2005
  1196. Hobbema Alberta by TheBuyer on July 12, 2005
  1197. My name is Fuckstrello “Bansai” Equestrienne de Vanderveen and I stock vending machines for a living. by Jon Matza on July 12, 2005
  1198. Dear Dr. Virakrishira... by Jon Matza on July 13, 2005
  1199. Message Board Short by TheBuyer on July 15, 2005
  1200. Samuel Templeton had always hated people. by Will Disney on July 17, 2005
  1201. Do you know how fast you were going by qualcomm on July 17, 2005
  1202. There are things I have to do... by qualcomm on July 18, 2005
  1203. Philip Jones pulled his mackintosh tight around his chest by qualcomm on July 18, 2005
  1204. A particularly hard low and fast-moving cloud by qualcomm on July 18, 2005
  1205. Critics are divided on Fellini’s 8 1/8 by qualcomm on July 18, 2005
  1206. Berkowitz floored it. by Dick Vomit on July 19, 2005
  1207. As I clung to... by Benny Maniacs on July 21, 2005
  1208. The Birds and the Bees by Will Disney on July 24, 2005
  1209. Your daughter's in love, Ms. Perez by qualcomm on July 24, 2005
  1210. Laundromat by Mr. Pony on July 24, 2005
  1211. In olden times, you could make a major philosophic advance with no training whatsoever by qualcomm on July 26, 2005
  1212. Grungy bars, church picnics, video dating services… by qualcomm on July 26, 2005
  1213. Acme Name by Mr. Pony on July 26, 2005
  1214. an by TheBuyer on July 26, 2005
  1215. Peter and Ann could hear footsteps coming down the hallway of the spaceship. by Will Disney on July 28, 2005
  1216. Disney and Mr. Pony defeat qualcomm by Mr. Pony on July 28, 2005
  1217. Two puppies by TheBuyer on July 28, 2005
  1218. “Damian’s taking a mental!” by Jon Matza on July 29, 2005
  1219. I have peculiar habits... by Ewan Snow on July 29, 2005
  1220. Sexy blonde 5'6" SWF... by Jon Matza on July 31, 2005
  1221. When I left the life behind by qualcomm on August 03, 2005
  1222. Womyn's Lib by Ewan Snow on August 03, 2005
  1223. Affirm/agree by TheBuyer on August 04, 2005
  1224. Something smelled like shit. by TheBuyer on August 05, 2005
  1225. Thornton took his last gasp. by Will Disney on August 07, 2005
  1226. It being the height of summer by qualcomm on August 07, 2005
  1227. "Vivian," he said. by Mr. Pony on August 07, 2005
  1228. Brian locked the door to his office and wandered over to the window by TheBuyer on August 09, 2005
  1229. Doctor Gevelder by TheBuyer on August 09, 2005
  1230. It Turned Cold by Ewan Snow on August 09, 2005
  1231. Not quite the Viper. by scoop on August 09, 2005
  1232. The Golden Age by qualcomm on August 11, 2005
  1233. Ladies and gentleman, distinguished colleagues by qualcomm on August 13, 2005
  1234. Most useless thread ever by Mr. Pony on August 15, 2005
  1235. Even Odds' breath misted under the sodium lights by qualcomm on August 15, 2005
  1236. retard's dozen by TheBuyer on August 17, 2005
  1237. That McGinty sure gets a rise outta me! by Dick Vomit on August 18, 2005
  1238. Private Peep!!!! by Dick Vomit on August 19, 2005
  1239. balls by TheBuyer on August 19, 2005
  1240. Hello ladies and germs... by scoop on August 19, 2005
  1241. The Unfettered Wisdom of Dylan Danko by TheBuyer on August 20, 2005
  1242. Hello. by Dick Vomit on August 22, 2005
  1243. "I have procured a small bird," said Daddy Turlus. by Jon Matza on August 23, 2005
  1244. Murg by Dick Vomit on August 23, 2005
  1245. Rivulets of oleaginous perspiration cascaded down Will Disney’s enormous chest and quadricep muscles onto the deck of the Jolly Mackerel... by Jon Matza on August 24, 2005
  1246. I found the woman by TheBuyer on August 25, 2005
  1247. LIVESTRONG by qualcomm on August 26, 2005
  1248. "That," said Henry, "is the biggest dick I've ever seen." by Mr. Pony on August 30, 2005
  1249. Will you help me work on my act? by Ewan Snow on August 31, 2005
  1250. Pretty sure this dude who used to live with a friend of mine has got something like this going on right about now... by Dick Vomit on September 01, 2005
  1251. “Say”, Authors? by Jon Matza on September 02, 2005
  1252. My cow and my wife. by TheBuyer on September 03, 2005
  1253. I work with machines. by qualcomm on September 06, 2005
  1254. Three Birds... by Jon Matza on September 06, 2005
  1255. Memoir Excerpt by Ewan Snow on September 11, 2005
  1256. I'm going to try to write a short for tuesday. by Dick Vomit on September 11, 2005
  1257. Good Morning, Feldspar by Mr. Pony on September 13, 2005
  1258. SUZANNA: THE UNDEAD COCK HOUND OF THE MISSISSIPPI DELTA!! by Dick Vomit on September 13, 2005
  1259. Blammo. by Dick Vomit on September 14, 2005
  1260. The Illusionist by Dick Vomit on September 16, 2005
  1261. Dave sat still by TheBuyer on September 17, 2005
  1262. And lo, the centurion did doubt the King of Kings by qualcomm on September 17, 2005
  1263. Jollys Comix by Jon Matza on September 18, 2005
  1264. Time is But a Nut Cake by Ewan Snow on September 19, 2005
  1265. "Classify yourself" by Ewan Snow on September 19, 2005
  1266. Portrait of a Marriage by Ewan Snow on September 19, 2005
  1267. Hey, kitty-cat - what would you do? by John Slocum on September 26, 2005
  1268. I have notions about myself which you may find ridiculous by Ewan Snow on September 26, 2005
  1269. He was an expert in soft tissue cavities. by qualcomm on September 29, 2005
  1270. To my guts by TheBuyer on October 05, 2005
  1271. It started off... by Ewan Snow on October 06, 2005
  1272. For want of a nail, the kingdom blew A-Rod. by qualcomm on October 10, 2005
  1273. I am going to write about my true feelings. by Ewan Snow on October 14, 2005
  1274. “This isn’t my dog.” by Ewan Snow on October 17, 2005
  1275. awkward by TheBuyer on October 19, 2005
  1276. Fact by Ewan Snow on October 24, 2005
  1277. “These attempts at defining reality... by Ewan Snow on October 25, 2005
  1278. Italian For Shitheads by qualcomm on October 25, 2005
  1279. Mr. Harvey Breaks The Bank (A Mr. Harvey Adventure) by qualcomm on October 25, 2005
  1280. Pop & Ace by Dick Vomit on November 03, 2005
  1281. It’s the same old bullshit. by qualcomm on November 07, 2005
  1282. There's a lot more to being a pimp by qualcomm on November 16, 2005
  1283. Martin drank a lot of milk by TheBuyer on November 19, 2005
  1284. men stink by TheBuyer on November 30, 2005
  1285. My deformed son is a real ass hole. by scoop on December 07, 2005
  1286. Handsome Frederyk Weisensteinowitz skipped jauntily toward his new future, each stride more optimistic than the last. by scoop on December 09, 2005
  1287. At first I thought I was being paranoid. by scoop on December 16, 2005
  1288. Edward's mail-order bride wasn't quite living up to expectations. by Will Disney on December 17, 2005
  1289. 2000 by TheBuyer on December 19, 2005
  1290. Jeanette was proud of Simon. by qualcomm on January 06, 2006
  1291. Unbeknownst to them, an afterlife awaits all of the many pets who pass through my ownership. by qualcomm on January 07, 2006
  1292. Something Else. by scoop on January 08, 2006
  1293. The Book of Rob by scoop on January 08, 2006
  1294. The Spirit of Seemingly Inconsequential, Yet Nonetheless Disastrous, Artistic Changes by qualcomm on January 09, 2006
  1295. The Balloon Man by scoop on January 10, 2006
  1296. Everyone just cut the shit. by qualcomm on January 19, 2006
  1297. Three openings to shorts that I just can't bring myself to finish. by qualcomm on January 26, 2006
  1298. They were all there to hear one man. by scoop on February 01, 2006
  1299. Yes, I am going to kill you, but it’s not what you think. by scoop on February 02, 2006
  1300. The Cave by scoop on February 02, 2006
  1301. A Completely Legitimate Cry for Help by scoop on February 06, 2006
  1302. Faces of Everybody by Mr. Pony on February 07, 2006
  1303. “Hi, mom, this is Veet by TheBuyer on February 12, 2006
  1304. Healthcare Provider by Ewan Snow on May 16, 2006
  1305. The Da Vinci Code Directed By Ron Howard And Starring Tom Hanks by Dylan Danko on May 19, 2006
  1306. God Of Our Fucking Universe (GOOFU) peaked his head around the line that spread out before him like a really, really long thing that you can’t see the end of. by scoop on June 02, 2006
  1307. "The Last Short Ever." by scoop on July 13, 2006
  1308. They say that life is like a block of marble by qualcomm on August 18, 2006
  1309. My asshole glows from deep inside me. by TheBuyer on August 24, 2006
  1310. This Guy Doesn't Have a Clue! by qualcomm on September 14, 2006
  1311. Before the Baby Boom by qualcomm on September 21, 2006
  1312. Disgruntled Customer Guy by scoop on October 03, 2006
  1313. Cosmology by qualcomm on October 08, 2006
  1314. Requiem for Korngold by qualcomm on November 24, 2006
  1315. Symbiosis Man by qualcomm on January 17, 2007
  1316. It's Martin Luther King Day by qualcomm on January 17, 2007
  1317. i'm going to kill your children by TheBuyer on January 23, 2007
  1318. My Cum by qualcomm on January 23, 2007
  1319. I think I hyperextended my elbow hailing a taxi. by TheBuyer on January 25, 2007
  1320. Joe and Henry broke into a liquor store one night by TheBuyer on January 25, 2007
  1321. You are scared. by scoop on January 29, 2007
  1322. A force nine gale slashed it's way south from Newfoundland by TheBuyer on January 30, 2007
  1323. I ordered another Dust Cloud... by Ewan Snow on February 21, 2007
  1324. FYI by Ewan Snow on April 15, 2007
  1325. Guest Month Kicks in Automatically, Saving Acme Shorts by Mr. Pony on May 01, 2007
  1326. Having taught Aubrey to swim... by qualcomm on May 15, 2007
  1327. Good enough by qualcomm on May 25, 2007
  1328. Danica Schroeder by qualcomm on June 06, 2007
  1329. Good Help by qualcomm on August 20, 2007
  1330. 5k by qualcomm on August 22, 2007
  1331. Here’s the thing about monsters that most people don’t know. by scoop on August 26, 2007
  1332. The new guy by qualcomm on September 09, 2007
  1333. Word Count: 69 by TheBuyer on September 12, 2007
  1334. Sometimes my pussy gets so fucking wet. by scoop on October 02, 2007
  1335. Spock Mind Melds with a Thermostat by qualcomm on October 15, 2007
  1336. What is free will? by qualcomm on October 18, 2007
  1337. What is free will? by qualcomm on October 18, 2007
  1338. Couldn't help feeling bad for her standing alone at a party like that... by Jon Matza on November 16, 2007
  1339. corrine's story by TheBuyer on December 06, 2007
  1340. Dubya slid onto my sofa by Ewan Snow on December 09, 2007
  1341. First Hanukkah Short by Mr. Pony on December 10, 2007
  1342. I awoke to the sight of Lancon’s pockmarked jaw perched inches from my face. by Jon Matza on December 11, 2007
  1343. Jennie's World by qualcomm on December 22, 2007
  1344. Involuted Coagularium in Peach Cardboard and Tempura, #17 by qualcomm on December 26, 2007
  1345. A New Translation, by P.U. Buttmeunster by qualcomm on January 07, 2008
  1346. I needed a logo and I needed it fast. by Jon Matza on February 07, 2008
  1347. Science Tits by qualcomm on April 01, 2008
  1348. “You managed to get into my office, Mr. Phlonthonth, you've got two minutes. What's your pitch?” by Ewan Snow on April 12, 2008
  1349. Humidor by Ewan Snow on April 12, 2008
  1350. The audio cassette hissed away on aJkrh's Nagra. by qualcomm on April 29, 2008
  1351. Often The Qualities We Most Loathe In Others... by Jon Matza on May 12, 2008
  1352. papal bull by qualcomm on June 30, 2008
  1353. gakwer by qualcomm on August 01, 2008
  1354. We were sitting on our fucking throne when the court page ran in. by qualcomm on August 13, 2008
  1355. I keep my mind in my brain by Ewan Snow on August 27, 2008
  1356. Bob & Jenny by qualcomm on September 17, 2008
  1357. Short #*** by qualcomm on October 03, 2008
  1358. Hunchcock's Dilemma by qualcomm on November 15, 2008
  1359. Shakespeare Can Suck a Rhinoceros' Cock as Far as I'm Concerned, and That Goes Double for the Rest of You Crapping Cocksuckers by qualcomm on January 05, 2009
  1360. Dr. Various by qualcomm on February 25, 2009
  1361. Maturity. by qualcomm on March 19, 2009
  1362. The Nature of the Ways Things Woiks by qualcomm on March 24, 2009
  1363. DIY by Ewan Snow on March 26, 2009
  1364. Pants by Mr. Pony on April 06, 2009
  1365. Stirring the sauce in an x-rated, counterclockwise motion, Bamberg smiled meaningfully at the girl on his couch. by Jon Matza on April 07, 2009
  1366. Good News Much? by Jon Matza on June 08, 2009
  1367. Pony’s Soliloquy by Jon Matza on July 18, 2009
  1368. Do Android Hillbillies Fuck Electric Sheep? by Ewan Snow on August 21, 2009
  1369. Looking in the mirror, I turned a sardonic eye on my eye. by Jon Matza on September 28, 2009
  1370. The deception gene's recessive by qualcomm on October 26, 2009
  1371. The Sanguineous Tale of the Hideous Demon Andrew Jackson by qualcomm on October 30, 2009
  1372. Barriers Against the Encroaching Spirit of Power by scoop on November 03, 2009
  1373. Short #244 by qualcomm on January 13, 2010
  1374. For Whom the Stew Tolls by Ewan Snow on March 19, 2010
  1375. Five Hundred Times Sharper than Steel by Ewan Snow on March 19, 2010
  1376. Short #245 by qualcomm on March 31, 2010
  1377. Listen up, bitches... by Jon Matza on April 28, 2010
  1378. They found the decedent inside his vehicle by TheBuyer on January 19, 2011
  1379. unavailable by TheBuyer on January 22, 2011
  1380. In the twilight... by scoop on January 26, 2011
  1381. Where It's All Heading by qualcomm on January 29, 2011
  1382. The Ultimate Flesh Holocaust for 800 of Your Carbon Based Dollars by scoop on February 17, 2011
  1383. EXT. LOS ANGELES – HOME DEPOT - MORNING by Dick Vomit on February 23, 2011
  1384. Mr. Ginoo and Mr. Pot by qualcomm on April 28, 2011
  1385. We are Herring in Cream Sauce by scoop on June 01, 2011
  1386. We are Herring in Cream Sauce by scoop on June 01, 2011
  1387. “Walking out on another big showdown, Johnny Crisco?” by qualcomm on August 07, 2011
  1388. You Probably Think by qualcomm on December 23, 2012
  1389. I suffer from a rare and debilitating condition. by Ewan Snow on June 19, 2013
  1390. Exeunt by qualcomm on October 17, 2013
  1391. JF by qualcomm on June 03, 2014
  1392. Lerpa, The by qualcomm on June 03, 2014
  1393. @ the Supermarket by qualcomm on June 03, 2014