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In the event that my spouse predeceases me as provided in Article Six, and any of my children are minors under the age of twenty-one years of age, then I direct that my Personal Representative shall transfer, assign and deliver over to my Trustee, named below, such minor Beneficiary’s share of my estate and the objects of property described herein. I direct my Trustee to hold said Beneficiaries share of my estate on the following terms and conditions:

A: The small Pekinese canine pet known as Cricket, who became the unsolicited companion of my spouse in the month of June in the year 1999, shall be removed from the residue of my estate; and

B: The small Pekinese canine pet known as Cricket shall be placed in a blender, which shall be turned on until such time as the whirling blades cause his or her shrill, incessant barking to cease in its entirety; and his or her bottom row of razor-sharp teeth which are on constant display due to the dental deformity commonly known as underbite to be torn from the bone of his or her mandible; and his or her vicious little eyes to be shredded to such a degree that they are no longer capable of conveying the hatred and disdain that have come to define the character of this most spiteful of beasts; and

C: The residue of the small Pekinese canine pet known as Cricket shall be placed, to as great a degree as the Trustee can physically manage, in a large turkey baster; and

D: The residue of the small Pekinese canine pet known as Cricket shall be pumped up the ass of Gilbert Funk, who is known to me as the brother of my deceased spouse, and who is also known to me as the cocksucker who visited the vile Pekinese canine pet known as Cricket upon my spouse without consultation, said residue to be rammed up his intestinal tract as far as the Trustee can physically manage, until the aforesaid Gilbert Funk has been fully rewarded for his fucking thoughtfulness.

Date Written: May 20, 2004
Author: Cooper Green
Average Vote: 4.33333

Comments:
05/26/2004 Mr. Pony (5):
05/26/2004 Ewan Snow (3): sweaty
05/26/2004 qualcomm (5): paragraph B had me laughing my ass off
05/26/2004 Dylan Danko (4): I'm not sure Article Six is enforceable under law considering it seems to bind the spouse to predeceasing the author. Agree with The Lerpa about graf B.
05/26/2004 TheBuyer (4): I love legal documents.
05/26/2004 qualcomm: pekinGese
05/26/2004 Jon Matza (4): Look again, Danko-Lerpa! The best paragraph was the first, the choice setup. The rest of it, including the blender graf (which did not really make you laugh out loud, you will find on closer inspection) is merely pretty good & loses some of the momentum, perhaps because the author lets the legalese slip rather than ratcheting it still tighter before he redeems himself with the Limon final clause.
05/26/2004 qualcomm: so you liked the graf that just read like a normal will?
05/26/2004 Pix (5): Now thats a damned fine will!
05/26/2004 Jon Matza: Yes, brother, that's what I'm saying. Funny/unexpected in the context of Acme.
05/26/2004 qualcomm: i can see how, as a dealer in rare jargon yourself, you enjoyed that, but i still say it's merely the platter on which the main course is served. mr. joshua says the whole thing is a shitter.
05/26/2004 Not Lisa (5):
05/26/2004 Mr. Joshua: Now that the Lerpa has dragged me into this.... While the short is well written, its subject matter is reminiscent of something you would hear from one of those zanies on a drive-time radio show. This site obviously encourages and rewards sophmoric humor, but I just feel this is too obvious a target. A small yappy dog getting its just desserts in a blender simply does not strike me as all that funny or original.
05/26/2004 Ewan Snow: I agree with Mr. Joshua. This short smacks of effort, and little else.
05/26/2004 qualcomm: yeah i didn't think the premise was original, but couching it in a will was, and the execution, especially of graf B, was splendid.
05/26/2004 qualcomm: "until such time as"
05/26/2004 Ewan Snow: It reads like a "Shouts and Murmurs" piece.
05/26/2004 qualcomm: i can see where you'd say that, but consider this: f u.
05/26/2004 Ewan Snow: I will consider that.
05/26/2004 qualcomm: my mind wanted to give this four, by the way, but my quote/unquote heart demanded a five, due to my actually laughing out loud (LOL) at B. it ends poorly, but aw man, that bottom row of razor-sharp teeth.
05/26/2004 Mr. Joshua: I ask the Lerpa to consider whether his parents would laugh at this. I then ask the Lerpa to re-consider whether this is a five-star short.
05/26/2004 Mr. Pony: Seeing the Lerpa dither so is making me question absolutely everything. Does Acme's health plan cover therapy and adult diapers?
05/26/2004 qualcomm: how am i dithering?
05/26/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): Interesting.
05/27/2004 John Slocum (4): Well done! To say that paragraph 1 is the best, or situation B is the best is like saying that organisms only develop under tight genetic control, or only develop under environmental influence. This short succeeds because of the combination of the dry, reads-like-a-will set up AND the non-legalese, juvenile, bloody violence. However, I agree with Matza that the set up is set up with more mastery than the juxtaposed non-legalese. Nevertheless, a great improvement on your first 2, Mr. (or Mrs.) Green. PS I thought this was Danko!
08/13/2004 Litcube (4): Pff
09/22/2006 Master Bates (5): Cricket? Cricket?
09/22/2006 TheBuyer: i love the last sentence of this fucking thing. cooper was a funny guy until he lost his mind. now he just sits around barbequing everything he can get his hands on. the sad part is when he presents you with an empty skewer you have to pretend to eat it and love it or he sulks and isn't any fun.