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Barry, wife Lynne and daughter Dawn were all in the backyard enjoying a beautiful spring day. Barry had arranged a hookup for some truly fine mushrooms and they were having one hell of a time, laughing, and dancing and playing.
Dawn was so happy they were all enjoying this day as a family she exclaimed, "Wow dad, you really are a fun gu-AK!"
Lynne caught her by the throat and dug her thumbs deep into her sweet baby's trachea.
"You little bitch!" she wailed, squeezing the pun out of her, "I'll crush your motherfucking spine, cunt! CUNT! Bwalalalalalala," she ululated.
Barry laughed and laughed. He stopped laughing pretty fucking fast when a pissed-drunk zombie Bukowski crashed through the hedges with four zombie strippers in tow, all dressed like stewardesses going "MWAAAAUHG BARRY LYNNE DAWN GWAAAAUGH THAAAAAATS THREE TIMES THE KUBRICK JOKE DIDNT WORK BWAAUGH BRAAAAINS," in little pink hats.
For the first time in his life, Barry had nothing to say and it was much nicer.
Date Written: May 25, 2004Comments:
Average Vote: 3.6667
06/1/2004 Will Disney: i remember these two - right? barry and lynne?
06/1/2004 anonymous: Please find the above family featured in the above short unceremoniously murdered and retired from publication.
06/1/2004 John Slocum: I don't know what to do here. Paragraphs 2 and 3 are hysterical. The last 2 paragraphs ruined my fun and made me angry because of it. Processing...
06/1/2004 anonymous: Sorry Slocum, that third paragraph was tacked on because that goddamn Barry Lyndon, Kubrick joke never even worked a little bit. Barry Lynne Dawn...fuck that cracked me up when I first thought it up o so many years ago.
06/2/2004 John Slocum (4): After losing to Albanians on the Pitch and several glasses of southern Italian wine, the last 2 paragraphs don't bother me so much and the 2nd/3rd are still hilarious. "dug her thumbs deep into her sweet baby's trachea." Nice.
06/2/2004 TheBuyer: I try, my acmefriend.
02/9/2005 Litcube (4): Duder, if the 4th paragraph was underneath my wrist (like, if I put my wrist over it, say) I'd'a 5'd this. We don't often see this flavour from you anymore.
02/9/2005 Mr. Pony (3): Litcube has either very fine wrists or a very old monitor. He's right, though; dead right, about that fourth paragraph.
02/9/2005 TheBuyer: Hey shit, I forgot to include context for this one.
here and here
02/9/2005 Litcube: My wrists are dainty. I have dainty wrists.