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"Pint please," Joe said, sliding onto his favorite barstool.
"Ya, here y'go, run you a tab?"
"Thanks," he said, addressing his beer, "Take me away to some other land..."
Without provocation a rumpled, fumey older guy wobbled accross the pub floor and leaned in real close, putting his etire weight on his forearms, his nose an inch from Joe's ear.
"Do you wanna know sumthin? Huh?" he blackly exhaled, pelvis swinging, "I fucked your mother. Huh? I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER! Huh? HUH? Fucked her good, I fucked YOUR mother...I am a - the YOUR motherFUCKER!" His head dropped below his shoulders as the drink got the better of him, leaving him dribbling poison onto the polished oak bartop. He had somehow managed to continue his jerky mime-humping in case Joe would require further visual aid to get his drift.
Pregnant pause when the music stopped. Joe drained his glass, drew to his full hight and brought the old man up with him, big fists on his mucky, yellow collar.
"Dad, you're drunk, go home."
Date Written: June 04, 2004Comments:
Average Vote: 3.2222
06/11/2004 Will Disney: okay, here's my comment. there is a very funny concept here, which is the idea of a person's parents having sex. i dunno - somehow the payoff of this short struck me as being a little bit too jokey. does that make me a jerk? maybe it does? anyway, i'm trying to think of some alternate ways it could've been handled. any suggestions from the peanut gallery?
06/11/2004 John Slocum (4): 4.314! Maybe this could have been handled by the son taking the drunk old dad's ass right there up against the bar. Also, maybe Joe could have ordered a chianti, or salice salentino, instead of a beer.
06/11/2004 Benny Maniacs (3): Sounds like something the author heard and then thought hey, that's a good idea for an Acme short. But I need convincing. I like the HUH? huh FUCKING mother fucker HUH? part though.
06/11/2004 anonymous (3): ya, pretty much it's a really old joke I added as a prop/example to the Open Challlenge contest with the fake prize I made up when I was really stoned about a week ago. Seemed like a good idea at the time and i like this man-walks-into-a-bar-joke, but ya, maybe not so much a Short.
06/11/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (3): TheBuyer is busy.
06/11/2004 TheBuyer: ya. also skinny and sick and paranoid from plenty fever.
06/11/2004 Ewan Snow (4): I'm gonna go ahead and give this a four, though it's a close call. And I'll tell you why; even though I've heard that joke before, I didn't see it coming in this particular short. Also, the 5th graph got a laugh outa me. I especially like all the Huh?s.
06/11/2004 TheBuyer: John Slocum: i forgot to ask before - is there a nice, simple table wine for buggery? I get all caught up in gold medal this and acclaimed by that when all I really want is a subtle complement to some good ol' prison sex with a bold finish; but no too bold.
06/11/2004 qualcomm: not to brag or nothing, i saw this punchline coming from several light years, which is a measure of time, away
06/11/2004 Ewan Snow: It's as okay to brag as it is to cry.
06/11/2004 Pix (4): M.F.!!
06/11/2004 Mr. Pony: Oh, so now I'm just supposed to sit here an pretend I'm not afflicted with an obsessive-compulsive disorder to correct stupid science mistakes, even intentional ones?
06/11/2004 Dick Vomit (2): This is a RIPOFF. This is essentially a lame one-liner I've seen on countless bathroom walls over the years. Sharpie#1: I fucked your MOM! Sharpie#2: Go home, dad. You're drunk. FIE!
06/11/2004 Mr. Pony: But do you think that was one person with two sharpies or two separate people with two separate sharpies?
06/11/2004 TheBuyer: An excellent observation Dick. Mostly because it's in the comments. The one I made explaining that this short is essentially just a really old joke which was in response to one Benny made explaining that this is just some joke circulating around, but thanks for really hammering the point home for all the recently post-illiterate. Also, Ferucio outed me earlier, so you might want to suggest I use the "from author," you know, just in case.
06/11/2004 Mr. Pony: oh no you didn't
06/11/2004 TheBuyer: i'm glad you are using your words. did too.
06/11/2004 Mr. Pony: Well, okay, I guess you did. Figure of speech. And I'm glad to have words back too, but what I did was necessary.
06/11/2004 TheBuyer: It was certainly effective. effective like a FOX!
06/11/2004 John Slocum: So why did you stop using words, Pony?
06/12/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: How do you see anything coming from a light year away? That's crazy!
06/12/2004 Cooper Green (3): I'm with Mr. Vomit here, you little twerp. This is a ripoff.
06/12/2004 Cooper Green: ...i liked you better when you were quiet.
06/12/2004 TheBuyer: said TheBuyer logged in wrong.
06/13/2004 Will Disney: what? now you're the same guy?
06/13/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: I rest my case.
06/13/2004 Cooper Green: We're both airea.
06/13/2004 TheBuyer (1): o dear.
06/14/2004 Mr. Pony: In short, I stopped using words because they stopped working for me, at least on Acme. I had to rebuild an understanding of how they worked. I'd go into more detail, but I think my foundation might still be a little shaky.
06/14/2004 James K. Polk: What does the title mean?
06/14/2004 TheBuyer: It's the name of the first track on the Ween album, Chocolate and Cheese. There was a message posted in General Discussion, but I'm doing my best to put it out of my mind.
06/14/2004 James K. Polk: Ween? Is that like Queen?
06/14/2004 TheBuyer: o dear.
06/14/2004 Mr. Joshua (4): Of all the buyer's old jokes turned into shorts, I like this one the best. I didn't see it coming, but even if I had, I'dda still liked it.
06/14/2004 TheBuyer: Hey, thanks Mr. J.
06/14/2004 qualcomm (2): yeah it's an old one all right.
06/14/2004 scoop: Maybe it was supposed to be ""ironic""
06/14/2004 qualcomm: whoa, ""ironic""...
06/14/2004 Dick Vomit: TheBuyer: I am very sorry for a) not reading the comments before commenting on your short and b) not realizing your short had something to do with a previous short and c) everything else.
06/14/2004 TheBuyer: No worries, I'm unnaturally pissy, it was a fair comment.
06/18/2004 TheBuyer: oh, ya James. I thought you were Mr. Pony, Ween is a band. A good one. Maybe avoid they're first CD "The Pod" and also "Pure Guava" until you've been properly aquainted, but def check em out.
06/18/2004 Mr. Pony: Why does everyone think I'm James K. Polk, our eleventh president? I'm not!
06/18/2004 TheBuyer: I just think you would make an excellent president, that's all. No one would DARE call the president a cunt.
06/18/2004 Mr. Pony: Some people don't consider their day started until they've called me a cunt. I don't think my finger on the button would stop any of them either!
06/18/2004 Mr. Pony: You, um...you festering...um...you...ah, never mind. Goodnight, Buyer! Sweet dreams.