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Two turds were walking together along the boardwalk.
One turd said to the other, “You ever get embarrassed by your odor?”
The other turd said, “Of course not! I’m a turd and I’m proud. That’s the problem these days. Every turd wants to be a rose or something. That’s just not me. I’m not going to let society tell me how to smell.”
“I know, I feel the same way,” the first turd said. But he was lying. He was ashamed of his odor and when he went home he put on extra deodorant. But once he did, and his thick musky smell was overshadowed by a powder fresh scent, he looked himself in the mirror and felt overwhelmed by guilt. But soon his stinkiness seeped through and he smelled his poopy heritage all the stronger. It was disgusting, no matter what the other turds said. It was just gross. He hated himself and wanted to die.
Date Written: June 14, 2004
Author: James K. Polk
Average Vote: 3.625
My little turd must think it queer
to drop without a terlet near
into my warm and waiting hand,
and then ground deeply in my ear
What do you guys think?
06/17/2004 Will Disney: Here's another idea I was having:
Two roads diverged in a wood and I -
I sat there brokenhearted.
Tried to poop,
but merely farted.
I know that one screws up the meter and the rhyme scheme and stuff - but I dunno. What do you guys think?
06/17/2004 TheBuyer (4): This reminds me of the Dayglo Abortions - My Shit Stinks.
06/17/2004 Mr. Joshua (2): This thing's a shitter
06/17/2004 qualcomm (2):
06/17/2004 Will Disney: ummm what about my poems? dudes!
06/17/2004 TheBuyer: the medicine makes the first one wiggle a bit.
06/17/2004 scoop: F you Will.
06/17/2004 scoop: And your stinking poems. F 'em.
06/17/2004 Jon Matza (4): Even if you didn't chortle merrily at this, two stars seems like a bit of a harsh toke. It's competently set up & executed--a prime candidate, in fact, for the gentleman's three that Lerpa was recently espousing.
06/17/2004 Jon Matza: My fuckin' vote and feedback was received and posted!
06/17/2004 qualcomm: no, a gentleman's three was supposed to go to a lot of the shorts that get legitimate fours these days, not corrective matza thingies. anyway: "But soon his stinkiness seeped through and he smelled his poopy heritage all the stronger." sucks.
06/17/2004 Jon Matza: Worse than "Corrective matza thingies"?
06/17/2004 qualcomm: a) yes
b) even if it weren't, my comment wasn't intended to be funny, or otherwise consumable as entertainment, as this short is. (you rhetorically unethical cunt)
06/17/2004 Jon Matza: OK...but a) seriously, I don't even know what you meant by 'corrective etcs'; b) I do agree that that line in the short was less than cruc and c) !!! I don't believe in my heart that I'm any more rhetorically unethical than you, o Lerpa.
06/17/2004 qualcomm: c) no, not in general, you're not
a) didn't you tell me that you thought this deserved a 3? based on that, i called your 4 corrective (of my 2)
06/17/2004 Jon Matza: I thought this was worth ~3.5. Stars, of course.
06/17/2004 Mr. Joshua: Matza, I must say that only my sense of forbearance prevented me from giving this a one. So this was in fact, a Gentleman's Two.
06/17/2004 Jon Matza: I'm relieved to hear this, M Joshua, since I always found your sportsmanship to be impeccable. So why did you hate it so much?
06/17/2004 Mr. Joshua: It's not funny, informative or revealing of the human condition(not that these are the only criteria which make a short good). I found the content to be so hopeless that I couldn't even focus on the form. Once I did focus on the form(after reading your first comment), I still was unable to find anything redeemable.
06/17/2004 Mr. Joshua: I do find it amusing that we are having a debate about the intellectual merits/demerits of a story featuring two walking, talking turds.
06/17/2004 Jon Matza: Agreed...
Again, not that I love the short, but re human condition you could argue this is a meditation on self-loathing + trying w/out success to accept (or conceal) the physical characteristics/limitations one is born with. I feel for the turd.
06/17/2004 Will Disney: Okay - but what about my poems?
06/17/2004 scoop: 6/17/[censored] 5:43:56 PM - scoop: And your stinking poems. F 'em. 6/17/[censored] 5:43:18 PM - scoop: F you Will.
06/17/2004 Will Disney: I'm sorry, scoop, I can't see what you were trying to say! It was all censored! Do you like my poems?
06/17/2004 scoop: Yes. I love your poems. Will. Thank you for making them, and letting us read them. When will the next batch be ready?
06/17/2004 John Slocum (4): 3.5 - finally, an exploration of the turd psyche that adds a bit of complexity.
06/18/2004 Mr. Pony: Well, done, Mr. President! If nothing else, that certainly was a controversial first outing!
06/18/2004 Mr. Pony: By the way...any relation?
06/18/2004 Mr. Pony: I happen to think Mr. Kevin S. Polk's presidential priorities are second to none!
06/18/2004 TheBuyer: helluva platform, Mr. Polk, helluvu.
06/18/2004 Mr. Pony: Holy Fuck.
06/18/2004 James K. Polk: I was trying to do what Jon Matza said. I guess it didn't quite come out right. But some people liked it at least. Thanks for the feedback everyone. I'll try again.
06/18/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: Pony: I was sold untill I realized Kevin Sean Polk misspelled "molesting". I can't back somebody who misspells "molesting".
06/18/2004 Mr. Pony: Well, to be fair, he only misspells it the first three times he uses the phrase "Nazi, child-mollesting cult". He gets it right the fourth time he uses it, and that's the kind of man I want in the White House--A man who can learn from his mistakes, but who doesn't feel the need to cover them up after the fact. A good, honest man with a harem and concubines.
06/18/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: Well, I guess if you look at his message, he is a strong candidate. I mean we've all been comfortable with "nucular" for four years. And you're right, he learned from his mistake.
06/18/2004 Mr. Joshua: I urge Mr. Pony to abandon his alter-ego and go back to producing the five star quality Smartie Jones shorts that so many of us have come to love.
06/18/2004 Mr. Pony: I'm telling you people, I am not James K. Polk.
06/18/2004 Jacob Starfish: He's telling the truth.
06/18/2004 Mr. Pony: You keep out of this, Starfish!
06/18/2004 John Slocum: Does everyone think you're Polk because Polk used your letter-tiles to convey something once, during your wordless period?
06/18/2004 Mr. Pony: I guess. Thing is, anyone with the sense to view the source could have done that. But why would I choose that moment to say what Polk said with my tiles: "I AM HORNY"? Wait a minute. Where have I seen that before?
06/18/2004 TheBuyer: great, the third installation of Tiddlycove disguised as some dead head of state, pretending to be Mr. Pony, just ITCHING to jump out and screw me. You can't fool me Tiddly, I'm far too paranoid!
11/15/2004 Mr. Pony: Say, Buyer, did that particular paranoid suspicion ever bear fruit?
11/15/2004 TheBuyer: Not this time. Not YET I should say.