home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


“Listen to this, Kevin. It says here that the best way to housebreak a puppy is to keep him in his cage until it’s time to go, because he won’t soil his own bed. Then when he has to pee, we just take him outside and he does it there instead. That way, he learns to associate going to the bathroom with going outside.” If Nina was going to be successful in training Sparky she would need her husband’s help, but he wasn’t being very helpful at the moment.

“Keep him in a cage all the time?” said Kevin, leaning left to release a noxious emission. “That seems a bit cruel, don’t you think?”

Nina tucked her feet between the cushion and the sides of the wingchair and raised herself off the seat a little. She lifted her skirt. “It sounds that way, but apparently the puppy gets used to it in a few days. And once he does, he’s a lot happier because he learns more quickly. And puppies love to learn.” Her spreading urine turned the chair’s maroon cushion a deep red. A small stream of liquid gathered at a welt in the cushion’s corner, then splattered quietly onto the deep pile of the floral-patterned area rug.

Kevin listened, but was finding this theory difficult to accept. Their new puppy was barely nine weeks old, and full of exuberance. He untied the band of his sweatpants without standing, then pulled both his boxer shorts and his pants down to his knees. “Surely we can’t just keep him in the cage all day until he has to relieve himself. That’s no fun for him, or for us. He’s going to feel like he’s being punished, don’t you think? How does he get any exercise?” Leaning left again, Kevin deposited an impressively large, multicoloured coil of shit onto the divan cushion. As usual, Nina had chosen to sit down on her puddle of urine immediately, before it cooled and became uncomfortable. Kevin examined his issue, and chose instead to move to the other cushion.

“When we take him outside, we make it an event. We praise him, let him play, take him for a long walk. That sort of thing.” Nina glanced at Kevin’s feculence. “Remember to rub some vinegar on that after you clean it up.”

Date Written: June 22, 2004
Author: Cooper Green
Average Vote: 3.5556

06/25/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): I was sort of hoping that Kevin wouldn't lift his ass off the seat while shitting. But that would have been gross. Nice feel!
06/25/2004 Will Disney (3): i thought things were about to turn sexy when nina lifted her dress. this one is thematic, that's for sure - and that's worth 3.25 stars.
06/25/2004 Ewan Snow: The problem with this is that it is really just one joke and could have been half as long (and twice as good).
06/25/2004 qualcomm (4):
06/25/2004 qualcomm: i think length added to the joke in this case; it created a normalized environment for the excrement to swim in
06/25/2004 Ewan Snow (3): No huh.
06/25/2004 TheBuyer (3): Ya, The Lerpa is right, it needs to be this long for the joke to work, but Ewan is also right this should be a lot funnier. Will too, is right, so is Ferucio. Everyone is right. Right right right. Except I think the author may be a Lefty-Liberal and probably listens to smooth jazz and/or Steely Dan far too much but is right about puppies not pooping in their beds. The impressive coil is damnright. I am right.
06/25/2004 TheBuyer: when this short was in Q, I thought it was giong to be about destroying houses. I owe you a 'fooled me with wordplay' star.
06/25/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: Hey, TheBuyer, when you say "in Q", do you mean like "queue"?
06/25/2004 TheBuyer: Ferucio is right again, yes.
06/25/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: But in your comment on /24/2**4 at 5:02:49 PM - TheBuyer, you say "we stand in 'line ups', not 'lines'". Could you please clarify exactly what you call the thing that we down south call "lines"?
06/25/2004 qualcomm: yeah, he's got a good point there, Buyer: did you or did you not use two separate words to indicate the same idea?!
06/25/2004 TheBuyer: You're right, I did say that and good question. If you're waiting to be let into a movie or a night club or something in America that is standing in line; if you were standing in a line-up in America, someone would be on the other side of the two-way mirror pointing you out to the police. If we are standing in a line-up in Canada it could be either waiting your turn, or waiting to be identified from behind the glass. Is that a passable explaination?
06/25/2004 TheBuyer: The Lerpa, you're right, his point is pretty good but there is a difference in the definitions of the two different words. If you've paid your ticket and are standing in a line waiting for the movie to start with a bunch of other people it is standing in line, but as far as I know not in queue because there is no individual event which takes place at the front of the line, everyone just walks in and q's up at the candy counter. I think the difference lies in what happens when you get to the front of the line. I think. Actually, now that I proofread, I think I might be bullshitting.
06/26/2004 Mr. Pony (4):
06/28/2004 John Slocum (4):
06/29/2004 Pix (3): I think the Chesterfield may have come in rather handy in this short. All you would have needed was a bucket, a hose and a really good leather cleaner.
08/13/2004 Litcube (4): I totally pooed on my couch. Nope. I didn't.