home authors guest shorts graphical shorts
My New Country Music Song in G [or D fer the ladies]
All of the Doggies Have Tails
[This] means everyone shout!
All of the doggies have tails, [Yeehaw!]
I seen them on their bums.
All of the men he impales, [Hoohaw!]
Would rather have drinks made with rums.
Tickle my bum! [Yip-pee!]
Hey, where ya from? [How do?]
Look at my winkie [My o my!]
It's bigger than your pinkie! [Yes sir!]
I wann-a win the lotto [Ching Ching!]
If I win the lotto [Yeehaw!]
I'd take all them doggies
I'd clone them with froggies, [Hoohaw!]
Yippe kie yippie yippie yarkies!
Dig them hopping barkies
Yodelling Solo - [Yodel Now!] Ad-Libbed
Chorus, then 1st verse, then repeat chorus x4, ad-lib Yehaw etc..
Copyright held exclusively by Telephone Records, Vancouver BC Canada and The Widgeon Slough Band, any attempt to rerecord and redistribute the above mentioned material after March 2002 shall be considered a "Cover" and roylaties shall be paid to the Owners. Registered with SOCAN March 2002.
Date Written: June 22, 2004Comments:
Average Vote: 1.8
06/28/2004 qualcomm (1): holy living fuck
06/28/2004 Mr. Pony: And, like clockwork, here's the Lerpa one-starring this to further his political agenda.
06/28/2004 Mr. Pony (1): Neh, I'm jes messin witcha.
06/28/2004 scoop: Wow! Did you guys have bad trips to your respective destinations or something. MAybe you guys are just in bad moods. Because this is pretty good.
06/28/2004 qualcomm: i think this might be worse than airea's poem
06/28/2004 scoop: Dude why are you putting a limit on this author's forever?
06/28/2004 Will Disney (4):
06/28/2004 qualcomm: disney, i forbid you to four-star this shitter without comment. explain yourself!
06/28/2004 Will Disney: i dunno - i think there's something to this one...
06/28/2004 anonymous: this KILLS live.
06/28/2004 scoop: Wait, Disney you weren't kidding???
06/28/2004 qualcomm: disney's wearing his conciliatory admin hat, trying to prevent this from getting low-voted off the guest homepage.
06/28/2004 Jon Matza (2): The lyrics inexplicably fail to account for the fact that several canine breeds (e.g., the Australian Shepherd, the Pembroke Corgi and the Belgian Shippke) are born tailless. Furthermore, cropping of tails is a common practice worldwide among breeds such as Rottweilers, Boxers, etc. Such breeds, when turning sharply after a jump, are commonly seen to add an extra 'hindquarter bounce' in lieu of the normal pivot seen in 'tailed' dogs. Apart from this flaw, however, the short is dreadful.
06/28/2004 scoop (1): Right. Its pretty admirable given he doesn't even say that and actually has to pretend to like it. Disney is always jumping grenades for us. Its time for the madness to stop.
06/28/2004 scoop: A 5 star Matza comment.
06/28/2004 Mr. Pony: Author: After much consideration, I realize now that my one-star vote was an error on my part. I tend to reserve single-star votes for shorts that I deem to be offensive affronts to humanity, and indeed, life itself; whereas two stars indicate a vote somewhere in the range between "appallingly crappy" to "kinda junk". Since this short obviously falls squarely into the latter category, as far as I am concerned this effort is worth two stars, not one. Rest assured, I will set this mistake right sometime in the near future. You have my sincerest apologies and my warmest regards.
06/28/2004 qualcomm: pony, can you name any short, other than airea's, that you think deserves one star?
06/28/2004 anonymous: Thanks Mr. Pony, I think you're right. It is a 2 star short. It is also a five star country song. Also, Jon Matza is right. Not all of the doggies have tails.
06/28/2004 qualcomm: for my part, i'm willing to one-star something if there's nothing good about it, and i can't find anything to like in this short.
06/28/2004 scoop: yeah, this is total shit.
06/28/2004 anonymous: Isn't the formatting lovely?
06/28/2004 qualcomm: okay, 1.2 stars.
06/28/2004 TheBuyer (2):
06/28/2004 Mr. Pony: For the record, I don't think Airea's poem deserved one star. I know gave it five, but I don't think it deserved that either -- That was all part of the Thunderdome Gambit. If I had to pick a short that really deserved one star for the reasons I outlined below, I'd have to say "It was women's basketball..." by Cabot. Long after the heat of the three-day, three-night argument I had with the Lerpa about my comments on that short, I still feel that the joke was lazy, recycled, with a "hey, me too" quality that pissed me off. Also, it was mean to women!!
06/28/2004 qualcomm: pony: you are hereby dead to me.
06/28/2004 Cooper Green (3): I laughed, several times, and no idea why. That's grounds for a 3. Scoop, your first "this is pretty good" comment wasn't serious apparently?
06/28/2004 qualcomm: so women's basketball was an "offensive affront to humanity"? i guess you really did dislike it for political reasons after all!
06/28/2004 Mr. Pony: "Humanity" encompasses a lot of things besides just politics, including writing and humor! It seems that you are a lazy thinker after all!! Also, you are insane for talking to the dead!!
06/28/2004 Mr. Pony: Also, I'm insulted that you didn't have a better response, given that you were obviously fishing for that very answer! For shame, Lerpa!
06/28/2004 qualcomm: if by lazy you mean i don't parse sentences to divine every sophist meaning they could possibly have, then yes, you are correct, my thinking is lazy!!!
06/28/2004 Mr. Pony: Victory!
06/28/2004 scoop: Cooper Green: What gave it away, my vote? Pony: Good shot on The Lerpa. But for clarities sake what distinguishes an affront to humanity from appalingly crappy. Can't something appalingly crappy, like the Nazis treatment of the gypsies in WWII, also be considered an affront against humanity? I'd certainly give the Nazi's one star as a soci-political system. (I know, I know, who says gypsies are "people" but for the sake of this discussion...)The Lerpa: When you insult people, like my friend Pony, be more cutting and insightful. We all know he has completely, in as mushy and dodgy a way possible, com[letely denied that his vote on the women's basketball short had anything to do with his love of fertile women.
06/28/2004 Mr. Pony: I do love those fertile women!
06/28/2004 qualcomm: so let's have it, pony: what area of humanity, other than womyn and their concerns, does the women's basketball short offend in greater measure than this dog? is it simply that the former stunk of frattish cronyism to you, while this is at least good-natured? i would argue that a failed joke is a failed joke.
06/28/2004 Mr. Pony: ...And of course, you're right scoop -- Something can be both appalingly crappy while simultaneously being an affront to humanity. Hope I didn't imply otherwise (although your metaphor may not be the best in this case -- By "crappy", I was trying to say "ham-handed" and "ineffective", rather than the more general "mean" and/or "bad" I think you thought I meant. Therefore I would give the Nazi policy toward the Gypsies more of a borderline three -- Well executed; poorly thought out). By the way, I don't think I ever completely denied that.
06/28/2004 qualcomm: (i would also argue that the polack toddlers of graham avenue will frolic in your blood as it runs down the sidewalks.)
06/28/2004 qualcomm: "Oh, the Lerpa. The Lerpa, The Lerpa, The Lerpa. I'm not defending women. I'm not defending Women's Basketball"
- Mr. Pony
06/28/2004 scoop: ...listening to the latest in east german throbbing rave muzick...
06/28/2004 anonymous: Mind this piece of shit doesn't get lumped in with that Womyns Basketball thing, this thing fucking rocks live in psychobilly shit-shacks, but I don't think even the Robot reading it would save that other piece of shit.
06/28/2004 scoop: aw man, this is about to get real confusing.
06/28/2004 Mr. Pony: Not to worry, scoop! Okay, Lerpa, I'll tell you a story: Picture five or six guys sitting in a park. A woman walks by. One guy says to the other guys, loud enough for the woman to hear, Boy, I'd really like to give it to her. I'd like to fuck her in the pants 'til she cries for her mother. I'd like to do all sorts of unpleasant things to her. Haw haw. A second fellow pipes up and says, Hey, me too! "It was women's basketball" is that second guy. This New Country Music Song short is just one of the other guys sitting nearby quietly making dolls out of his own poop. That's just how I feel--you may find that you feel differently!!
06/28/2004 qualcomm: i understand your point. frattish cronyism. still, worse than this?
06/28/2004 qualcomm: i mean, stale morning zoo fare is just as unfunny as frattish cronyism, right?
06/28/2004 Mr. Pony: You're totally right. And depending on the execution, I think, either one may be funnier than the other. In this case, though, I guess, the frattish cronyism has the added downside of being at someone's expense (besides the reader's, I mean), without being funny. I have no problem with humor that puts itself out on a limb by making fun of someone or something; in fact, often, it's funnier. However, I think the burden of failure is also greater. A joke risks coming off as just mean, with no real point, other than (in the case of "Women's Basketball") to repeat a joke. I agree with the author that the two shorts shouldn't be compared. This thing; this thing's just retarded. No offense, author!
06/28/2004 Pix (2): You people frighten me.
06/28/2004 Mr. Pony: No we don't.
06/28/2004 anonymous: None taken, it is retarded. Hell, it's rockabilly-country music which is retarded by default.
06/28/2004 Craig Lewis: I really wish the author had included guitar tablature for this "track." Author: how do you "clone...doggies...with froggies"? I can't, and won't, render my vote until I get clarity on this point.
06/28/2004 anonymous: Hi Craig. I'm not sure if I've ever address you directly before. Funny. Anyhow, you can't clone them together and "sew doggies onto froggies" is in the third, hidden verse. Rhythm and tempo like Reverend Horton Heat - Bales of Cocaine style or Violent Femmes - the one about jesus walking on the water jesus floating in the sky, I'm blanking. Played fast on the same chord for every phrase with room at the end of each phrase like this
|lyric -rest of phrase for as long as it takes to feel like changing|
lyric - rest of phrase
because the timing is awkward, only the chorus plays all the way in the traditional way like this
|lyric through phrase
|Lyric through phrase etc...hope that makes sense it's tough to describe without taking the time to Tab it out. Also it's just D, A, G, changes are natural, bassline doesn't walk, just roo third or root fifth or something like that, drums are march style sixteenth w/ snare accent on 2 and 4, down beat 1 and 3 - basic. May I have my 2, now?
06/28/2004 Great Satan (2): You should be skewered with my pole for hyphenating wanna. That's for starters. Two stars, using this Mr. Pony's rationale.
06/28/2004 Craig Lewis (1): Sorry, I want to be charitable and give you the second star, but I have to be able to face myself and my children. Author, shouldn't you know better by now than to post such dreck? We all know you're capable of better than this. Surely you could have held off?
06/28/2004 anonymous: ya, I know it; still I thought there may be some entertainment value, if not in the short then in the comments. I didn't think it would be so universally reviled though - in fact just the fact it has enough votes to register seems strange to me given that some of the more efforted stuff I've crapped out lately has been mostly ignored. Maybe my new policy of only chiming in marked 'From Author' will help. Less idiocy, more entertainment!
06/28/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: TheBuyer, (or author, time permitting), are you happy that you got this much commentary out of your one-star affront to humanity?
06/28/2004 Mr. Pony: You honor me, Great Satan.
06/28/2004 anonymous: Yes and no, Guest Team Leader. I like the feedback even though this isn't some goddamn workshop, feedback is important and I'm not a sissy, and these are fair comments. Thus my impotent, silent protest - One's are easier to take than Zeros.
06/28/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: Votes are better than no votes, right.
06/28/2004 anonymous: Hi John Slocum, welcome back! [unless they got the intarweb in Italy already, which i so doubt]
06/28/2004 anonymous: Ferucio: yes. The opposite of Love is not Hate, it is indifference - Dianne Chambers
06/28/2004 John Slocum (1): Hi TheBuyer! Yes I'm back.
06/28/2004 anonymous: Yay!
06/28/2004 anonymous: Copyright information only just found about ten minutes ago. Pretty clever to add that in there, huh? Ya, ye effers, it's a real song.
06/29/2004 Great Satan: Mr. Pony: you honor thyself. (delayed response)
06/29/2004 Great Satan: 666
06/29/2004 TheBuyer: Dick! hey Dick Vomit! Hey! You're totally missing out over here!
05/1/2005 TheBuyer: Wow, what a way to start a month.