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"Bring me more pork loin, more wine, more lobster bisque!" he cried, his face flushed scarlet, his bib askew and smeared with juice, sweat and dribble, and I thought: you fat fuck, you glistening toad, I will not bring you anything else, pig -- but of course I scampered off to the kitchen to put the order in. This guy was a real fucking piece of work. Fat as shit; always ate alone yet insisted on a four-top; forever demanding that we turn the music down. He slurped his soup like a donkey at a trough. I was sure that one day the guy would ask me to bring him a bucket, just like in the Monty Python movie, and rain vomit all over the restaurant.
I found myself growing more enraged. The bell rang, the bisque was up; I knew what I had to do. I snuck the soup into the employee bathroom, took a piss, then a shit -- a real stinker, long, lean, and cocoa-brown, shot-through with yellow and green striations. I stuck a whisk in the toilet bowl and whipped the piss-shit cocktail into a frothy brown lather; it looked like a chocolate egg cream. I ladeled a healthy scoop of the mixture into the soup. I had done good work. I had a cigarette. I jerked off -- new waitress, Israeli, "actress," purple thong -- and added a dollop of spoonkle to the steaming bisque. It bobbed at the bowl's edge for a couple of seconds, did a coquettish little wiggle, and slid into the depths. I was ready now.
Within three minutes, it was all over. The soup was delivered; the fatso was convulsed and fairly drenched in his own puke; I had slipped out the back door and broken into a jolly canter, heading for home, when I was tackled from behind, and four men were upon me, blinding me with blows, and I was tasting my own blood, and I was handcuffed -- for this was 1911, and the repulsive cow-pig at table 12 was William Howard Taft, and I was remanded to Sherman Prison, where I am currently awaiting trial on attempted assasination charges, and here, with a tiny O'Henryesque flourish, ends this short-short (and I know only the petty and small-minded among you will dock it stars for its time-warp twist, or for the "meta-" self-consciousness here displayed); and I remain,
Date Written: June 23, 2004Comments:
Author: Craig Lewis
Average Vote: 3.6667
06/29/2004 qualcomm: O. Henry. asshole.
06/29/2004 anonymous: Oh, I know it all! I know EVERYTHING! I am Lerpa, King Pedant, Master of all Middlebrows!
06/29/2004 Dylan Danko (4): Rotting on Remand.
06/29/2004 qualcomm: O. Henry. Asshole.
06/29/2004 Dylan Danko: I'd like to give the author another star.
06/29/2004 scoop: I'm running out of fingers...
06/29/2004 anonymous: So log on as Great Satan or The Finch and give it to me.
06/29/2004 qualcomm: Israel didn't exist in 1911, asshole.
06/29/2004 qualcomm: and let's not even get into Monty Python, you fucking, fucking asshole.
06/29/2004 anonymous: Neither did Monty Python, or masturbation. Dick-ass.
06/29/2004 qualcomm: oops. now you're really the asshole. Ler-pa! Ler-pa! Ler-pa!
06/29/2004 anonymous: Oopsy. Jinx, buy me a coke. Fucko.
06/29/2004 anonymous: Jack-y, Jack-y. Just rate the short already.
06/29/2004 qualcomm (3):
06/29/2004 qualcomm: (not because of the anachronisms, incidentally)
06/29/2004 James K. Polk: Fuck Taft!
06/29/2004 TheBuyer (4): Jacky Jew does all his own stunts.
06/29/2004 Pix (5): Effing Brilliant! Best Shit Short yet I dare say!
06/29/2004 John Slocum (3): I don't think this has an O'Henryesqe flourish (what the hell is ironic or coincidental about the ending?), and I'm petty and small-minded.
06/29/2004 Not Lisa (3): Okay, but not great.
06/29/2004 anonymous: The irony, Slocum, is that I knew you would say that -- I knew what your comment would be, and how you would phrase that comment, down to the last comma and parenthesis. This entire short was a meticulously laid trap, and you stepped right into it. And that, my friend, is an irony that "O.Henry" himself would savor. Snake eyes!
06/29/2004 scoop: Finger. Hard. This second.
06/29/2004 John Slocum: Hah! Tricked you - I'm not petty and small minded. I said that because I saw your trap and knew what you thought I would say and said it to induce you to confess having laid a trap. I win!
06/30/2004 Mr. Pony: I foresaw this entire conversation! Not the part with scoop, though.
06/30/2004 scoop: I have designed a whole new line of fingers with you in mind Mr. Pony...
06/30/2004 anonymous: Slocum: I know you're not petty and small-minded. And I relish the fact that -- as foreshadowed in paragraph one of my short -- you not only first claimed and then denied small-mindedness, but let a period of some 4 hours 41 and 14 seconds elapse between comments. Again, I anticpiated this, and took pains to lampoon it, and I am currently savoring my victory with a 1947 Lafite Rothschild.
06/30/2004 Craig Lewis: Lemme try that again. Slocum: I know you're not petty and small-minded. And I relish the fact that -- as foreshadowed in paragraph one of my short -- you not only first claimed and then denied small-mindedness, but let a period of some 4 hours 41 and 14 seconds elapse between comments. Again, I anticpiated this, and took pains to lampoon it, and I am currently savoring my victory with a 1947 Lafite Rothschild.
06/30/2004 Craig Lewis: P.S. I don't appreciate this faulty functionality, Disney.
06/30/2004 John Slocum: Lewis, you old scoundrel. I should've know it was you from your use of the term 'four top.'
06/30/2004 Jon Matza: None of this is pertinent!
06/30/2004 Will Disney: what's this? faulty what?
06/30/2004 Jon Matza: Not pertinent, Disney.
06/30/2004 John Slocum: What's not pertinent about a four top?
06/30/2004 Craig Lewis: How come I ticked the "From Author" box and it posted as anon_a? Is this good internet?
06/30/2004 Jon Matza: Dude, no.
06/30/2004 Jon Matza: That was to Slocum.
06/30/2004 TheBuyer: It did the same thing to me yesterday. It only works on the day your short was published, it's after midnight where you are, still kinda light here. Hey, how long until I get to end comments in, "asshole", or "you cunt" and not stir the feeling of anger, you cunts?
06/30/2004 John Slocum: that's just fine, TheBuyer
06/30/2004 Will Disney: yes, craig, after midnight you are no longer anonymous and so there's no reason to have the 'from author' indicator anymore.
06/30/2004 Craig Lewis: Aha.