home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


I am being held captive by men who despise me for my beliefs. I was brought here some weeks ago in a the trunk of a car. I have been beaten and insulted. I have had stomach upset and received inadequate medical attention.

They hate Kruger because Kruger is loved. They fear Kruger because Kruger is feared by no one. There are social class resentments: I was humbly born, and have worked for everything I own, and the elites view my success as an affront. I have had many women, and this inspires jealousy. I have a trophy room larger than most people's apartments. So they beat me and blacken my name.

How will I get through this ordeal without going mad? By reciting my memoirs. And so: I was born in midwinter. My mother died in childbirth - she was a handsome woman, and goodhearted, and is often seen in photographs playing the ham. My father was a shopkeeper, and despite our modest circumstances he nonetheless raised me, his only child, in an atmosphere of...but wait! I hear footsteps. I will now be beaten and humiliated. I'll resume this later. Kruger has a plan.

Date Written: July 11, 2004
Author: Kruger
Average Vote: 4

07/14/2004 TheBuyer: if this turns 'smoove b' i quit. please, continue.
07/14/2004 Craig Lewis: Is this, like Pony's short, an episode in a serial, or is it a stand-alone short? It's very well written. Am tempted to give it many stars. Mulling...
07/14/2004 qualcomm: is Kruger the narrator, or the narrator's god?
07/14/2004 Will Disney: wasn't this the tuxedo maven guy who was hidden in a hole on the west side sometime back in the 80s?
07/14/2004 qualcomm (3): on its standalone merits, i give the gift of three stars.
07/14/2004 John Slocum (4):
07/14/2004 John Slocum: seems a bit stingy, ol' summer, you no-team-sports-playing cunt.
07/14/2004 qualcomm: come now, four stars? you don't even know where this thing is going, if in fact it is the first of several installments. as it stands on its own, it's a competently written beginning of something. is competence all that's required to get four stars these days? that's the kind of taste creep that in the outside world has resulted in Spiderman II's good ratings. fortunately, we at acme cast our standards in platinum and placed them in a hermetically sealed vault, where they will remain unchanged for aeons. as for my teamsmanship, i'd direct you to any of matthew modine's more poignant speeches in 'Vision Quest'.
07/14/2004 Craig Lewis (4): O'SS: I'm sure you're right that Spiderman II sucks, but this is better than merely "competent."
07/14/2004 John Slocum: Many of my favorites shorts are written like the beginning of something and I have no idea where they're going.
07/14/2004 qualcomm: this feels very mcsweeney's (dryness for the sake thereof/parody so close to whatever the hell it's parodying that it just doesn't matter). maybe you two'd be happier there.
07/14/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): I know I'm famous for this, but I wish for a more exciting name than Kruger. Maybe Krüewgehr...
07/15/2004 Jon Matza (4): Well done, Kruger.
07/15/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: Oh, that's understandable then.
07/26/2004 Mr. Pony (5): Are you the type of person who would capture Kruger and beat him? Or would you invite him over and sing to him?
10/29/2004 Mr. Pony: I miss you, Kruger. I hope you got out okay.
05/6/2005 qualcomm: i wish i were one of kruger's captors. i want to beat him, almost as much as i want to beat horace.
05/6/2005 Jon Matza: Omigod that's so mean!!!