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Leonard – Part One - Introducing Leonard
This is when you get to meet Leonard.
Leonard is a regular human being, six feet or so tall. He is a single white male from a current, regular sized North American city on the current, regular Earth. He has a regular human job, does regular human things, and cannot take care of a plant decently. Leonard likes to watch rugby on the television. He needs a haircut. He also has three pairs of shoes and he alternates between two them and for some reason blames the other pair for ruining his last relationship so, he never wears them. He is liked, but not really that popular with his friends. He kind of fell out of touch after high-school and doesn’t really get out that much. He is kind of a home-body. Smart, but not brilliant. He is a good guy. Pays his bills on time. Owns a car. You know, just a guy. That is mostly Leonard. There is more to him, of course so do not close the book on him just yet, all humans are unique, some are just less unique than others. Leonard was slightly less unique.
He was just having lunch with the two ladies you just met. Leonard was in the salad that Julia hardly touched; he was in a layer under the cheese and on top of the lettuce. If she had eaten the salad, he would have been the "meaty good part." He was packed in shoulder to shoulder with about a dozen other humans, and was as they were, naked. Some of them were dead, some not dead. He could not tell which was which because the not dead ones were just as still as the yes-dead ones. Leonard is currently not feeling very well but Leonard is very lucky to be one of the not-dead ones.
Also, Leonard has no idea what the fuck is going on; none at all. Neither do you, but you will, as will Leonard.
He was just as confused while getting dumped into the trash as he was three hours prior. Three hours prior he woke up freezing his ass off in the pitch black lying on his back. He was disoriented. Actually, saying “Leonard was disoriented” is the rough equivalent of saying “lava is hot.” Leonard was not just disoriented, he was displaced, in another time, on another earth, and is considered food; he was so completely fucked up not one cell in his body felt un-fucked up. He had no idea where he was, how he got there, or if he was even awake. Unfortunately for Leonard, he was not dreaming, and Leonard was about to have the great-goddamn-grand-daddy of all long days.
This was the day Leonard woke up in a Styrofoam carton full of people in the walk in cooler of a fast-food restaurant in a food-court. This was the day Leonard became the ingredient in a salad purchased by a huge bipedal, bulimic toad who worked at the Gap. This was the day Leonard would avoid being eaten alive by that same carnivorous toad only to be tossed into a trashcan full of rotting deep-fried body parts, frapped baby guts, huge baby parts, and stacks of groaning, twitching, seemingly paralyzed or dying, naked people.
Light flooded onto the pile as the lid of the trash-can was lifted illuminating the bio-horror on which he was lying; it defied description – aww fuck it, no it didn’t – he was lying on a bit of gory wax paper that was previously used as a grease mop for some gigantic mexi-fries. Gore, gore, and gore all around him. It was a trash bag smeared up the sides in gore and gore and gore which filled every bit of available space. It was a pile of fly-ridden, fast-food remains of tens of thousands of people. Also fries and soda-pop cups and napkins and things that were not human remains.
“Fuck,” he said, lying in the muck at the top of the festering heap of filth.
Then Leonard puked.
Normally the sight if his own vomit would make Leonard want to vomit more, this time it did not. He buried his face in it, thankful for the familiar smell of his own bile as the top of the bag was twisted shut, and he was born away at the top of the pile, bad amphibian-pop bleeding from the headphones of Jake, the horny, horny-toad hauling his ass to the dumpster in the hefty-bag that would be his tomb.
Date Written: July 15, 2004
Average Vote: 3.5