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I sharpened the business end of my broadsword on the southeast corner of my bronze age dwelling and sheathed it in the custom scabbard one of my many bitches had fashioned from the scrota of my enemies. She was a prime piece of Viking poontang, that one.
Facing the midnight sun, I knelt on a patch of earth designated special for kneeling.
"Valhalla, I am coming," I intoned. "By Odin, I shall drink the feces of my enemies. The reason I'll be able to drink it is because they'll be scared, and fear often results in diarrhea. Amen."
Later in the day, as I sunk my sword into a defenseless old man's eye socket, I thought twice about the whole drinking diarrhea oath.
Sven gave me a lot of shit over it, no pun intended.
"Ooo, Odin's gonna smite you good, Thundar," he kept saying, the little pain in the ass. "You promised him you were going to drink their doody!"
So I was like, "Look Sven, first of all, it would be a total hassle to get the diarrhea. I'd have to:
- cut open the slain's abdomen;
- find the large intestine, or, duodenum (I ain't drinking shit that hasn't gotten at least that far);
- drain the large intestine into some kind of cup, since diarrhea isn't exactly something you can pick up with your hands. What was I supposed to use for that anyway, the skull? That wouldn't be feasible, because:
"Yeah, ok Thundar, you're all talk, no walk," Sven said. Gods, I hate that
- skulls are for drinking blood; and
- it takes a good week to cure a skull so that it's suitable for beverages (a category into which I think diarrhea, the liquid shit, fits neatly)."
Date Written: February 24, 2003Comments:
Average Vote: 4.6875
02/4/2004 scoop (5): This is one has many layers. It is totally layery.
08/6/2004 Jon Matza: "By recalling the encounter that brought us together, and the moving dynamic that culminates with the killing of another living thing, I can vividly relive the setting, wind direction, attitude and spirit that was uniquely ours, as the moment of truth unfolded between us."
--Ted Nugent, "BLEACHING SKULLS FOR EUROPEAN TROPHY MOUNTS"
08/6/2004 John Slocum (5): Very, very well done. I bequeath 5 stars.
08/7/2004 scoop: This is a classic of the form, a triumph of the function. And yet the communtiy turns away. Why community, why?
08/7/2004 TheBuyer (5): scoop!
08/8/2004 Mr. Pony: It's pretty funny, but feels a little labored? There are things in here that I hesitate to reward, and other things that I would never forgive myself for for punishing. The complexity of my feelings on this short would not be conveyed accurately nor properly with a single vote, and therefore I abstain. I speak for everyone when I say this, so if anyone disagrees with me, please address the community.
08/8/2004 qualcomm: how dare you
08/8/2004 Mr. Pony: We're sorry, but that's just the way we see it.
08/9/2004 qualcomm: i think you (pony and whomever else you speak for) may be holding me to a higher standard. think about it, dude.
08/9/2004 scoop: i.e. "come on, I mean, come on!"
08/9/2004 Mr. Pony: Hey, hey, Summer--don't get me wrong. I'm not telling you that this short is bad...I'm telling you why we, the Acme Community, are having such a hard time voting on it. Tell me, why do you think we aren't voting? There's certainly a lot of attention on it! Scoop: I'm not sure what that means.
08/9/2004 scoop: Pony as a valued member of the community you're setting a bad example by not voting on this short. Now stop this madness, vote, talk a little about it if you want and then on to the next one. There seems to be some strange reluctance to vote around here recently, and your insistence on not voting now may send the wrong message. This thing is cramme dfull of jokes, introduces a strange sturcutre that is strategically inappropriate and enhances the tone, and a couple of killer lines "desiganted special for kneeling", "the whole drinking diarrhea oath", "no pun intended." I've seen you vote on material much less interesting then this. So let's set a good example for the kids, huh? Vote. Come on. Do it.
08/9/2004 Mr. Pony: Scoop, I agree with you that the short is interesting material. I agree that the parts you mentioned are, in fact, interesting, and also really funny. I mean that! I also agree with myself that the short seems labored. I'm torn. I could keep up the gag that the whole community is torn, but I'll drop it for now, and maybe pick it up later. "Setting an example" may be selling the community short. The people of Acme are (with a few notable exceptions) smart, highly opinionated grown-ups capable of making their own decisions without my say-so. I would expect that if they had an opinion about this short, they would vote on it; if their attention was drawn to it. That was, in fact, one of the intentions of my original post -- to get people to vote on it. That was what the "I speak for everyone" gag was supposed to accomplish. ("Duh, you don't speak for ME, pony!!") Obviously, the people of Acme are to scared to vote on it. Personally, I believe what I said; that I'm really torn, and possibly deadlocked on this one. One would think that a reasonable compromise between a three and a five would be a four, but for some reason, I'm having trouble believing that that's true in this case. If the remainder of your question really does boil down to "Why don't I agree with you?", then my answer is something like "I don't know. I guess I do agree with what you're saying, but I have additional concerns that give me pause."
08/9/2004 Mr. Pony: Also, Summer--You're partially right--I am holding you to a different standard (although not necessarily a higher one), but shouldn't I take into account your considerable body of work when I consider your shorts? How can I not?
08/12/2004 qualcomm: isn't it true, matza, that you declined to 5 this because we are locked in a fairly close battle, you and i, for 2nd place? ISN'T IT??!
08/12/2004 Jon Matza: I was going to 4 it. Liked it but thought it lacked that usual effortless OSS quality.
08/12/2004 qualcomm: ok
08/12/2004 Mr. Pony: Matza: thank you for backing me up.
08/12/2004 Mr. Pony: Hi-Five dude!
08/12/2004 qualcomm: shut up, boy!
08/12/2004 Dylan Danko (4):
01/6/2005 Jon Matza (4): Here you are, brother. Ply Gem and its shareholders have tremendous flexibility among a number of strategic and financial alternatives.
03/27/2010 Jon Matza: Brother, I suspect it may gladden you to learn I'd 4.5 this were I voting on it today.
03/30/2010 Litcube (4.5):
03/31/2010 qualcomm: agree with pony!! this would have been better had it ended at "amen."
04/1/2010 qualcomm: eliza: rate this short, please.
04/1/2010 Eliza (): Would you say that this short's heart is in the right place?
04/1/2010 qualcomm: eliza: harelip! harelip!
04/1/2010 Eliza (): Wouldn't you say that you're obsessing a little?
04/15/2010 anonymous: girls dont poop
04/16/2010 Jon Matza: oh, snap
04/17/2010 Master Bates (5): d**n!
04/25/2010 Marvin_Bernstein (5): I have found my people.