Every evening Heidi locked up the store down in gastown, crossed the
street and hailed a cab. Night after boring night it was the same
thing. Lock up cross the street catch cab. Her poor putrid life had
become nothing more than a broken record. Almost on the brink of
suicide, Heidi decided she would try to shake things up a bit. It was
on that fateful night, her life changed forever. Heidi decided to walk
And so it began. Heidi locked up, crossed the street and walked past
the cab that was waiting for her. Up the street and around the corner
... This isn't so bad she thought. This is actually kind of fun.
Finding the thrill seeker in her, she decided to proceed down the next
alley way... Eyes darting all around she saw a world she did not
recognize. Sights, smells and most importantly sounds. She heard
footsteps behind her. Clod clod clod... The sound was exhilarating
and she felt her heart start pumping faster and faster, out the alley
and onto the sidewalk, new noises, cars driving past, cabbies honking
at aggressive drivers and down the next alley way she went... Clod
clod clod was the sound again. Heidi's heart raced faster still.
Was she being followed? She pondered turning onto another sidewalk...
Don't look back. Don't look Back. This was just too exhilarating, she
had to find out and so down the next dark alleyway... Clod CLod CLOD
Heidi turned and saw him. He looked extremely familiar yet she did not
know who he was. Before she could utter a word, Heidi received the
most painful kick between the legs she had ever received. She was on
the ground in an instant, writhing in pain when this familiar person
began to speak.
"You don't remember me do you? You fucking bitch, I have been stalking
you for the last 18 years. Seeing how your life is so pathetic I almost
gave up, but I knew, just once you would give me a chance to wreak my
revenge. Yes, it is I, Igor. You thought it was so fucking funny in
the first grade to kick me in the balls. Well it fucking HURTS don't
And with that, Igor turned and skipped on down the street like the fag
he had become.
Date Written: July 16, 2004 Author:Pix Average Vote: 4.5
Comments: 07/23/2004 TheBuyer (5): Author; I was going to pin you down and smack you for taking so long to get to point but I was just so glad Heidi got kicked in the crotch, I've been after that bitch since Woodstock '94. guest to guest 5. 07/23/2004 Litcube: TV Scenario 1: Someone walking down the street. Someone randomly chooses male and kicks him square in the nuts and he's down, rolling in pain. Cue laugh track.
TV Scenario 2: Someone walking down the street. Someone randomly chooses a female. Kicks her square in the cunt. Last 22 min. of episode dealing with violence against women. 07/23/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: Anyone remember that episode of the Simpsons where that old guy Hans Moleman gets hit in the sack by a football? God that was funny. They used the best sound effect for that! 07/23/2004 anonymous: Come on, someone has to want to make that fiver count... 07/24/2004 Litcube (5): Here. 07/26/2004 Pix: YAY! Litcube! 07/27/2004 Gash (5): Fabulous! Fabulous! Honey, this is simply fabulous! 07/27/2004 TheBuyer: o dear 07/27/2004 Pix: YAY! Gash! Shut yer trap thebuyer... Applause Applause Applause!!! 08/2/2004 TheBuyer: What for? I like this one. 08/2/2004 Pix: Shhhhhh.... Games over remember... fucker 09/24/2004 TheBuyer: Hey Litcube, did someone kick you in the cunt? Is that why you said that? hng? Hng? NG?! 09/24/2004 Litcube: Are you trying to play along with Scoop & Pony, TheBuyer? Even when I have pictures of me and the boys teabagging you in Grade 12 at Fitz's house? That I've posted in one of the guest shorts? That's coming up? Soon? 09/24/2004 Pix: That was at TheDecline's house and it was last summer, jerky. You got teabagged at Fitz's house. Also, we're adults now. Poohead. 09/24/2004 TheBuyer: fuck that was me, dude, not her. anyway, that was then. Remember when Yahzick banged Fitz sister? 09/24/2004 Litcube: TheDecline had a total of two partys at his house. And both were cut short because he was tired and wanted to go home. Yahzick fucking Fitz's sister: I 'mumber. 09/24/2004 Le Pinson: 'Allo, Canediennes! I sink I would laik to meet sis Yazik's seestair, no? Alsou! Peraps not, peraps not, anh? Ah sink she is mehbee reedeled wis deeseese! Peraps I shood intrchodyoos mahsyelf tyo se beuteifool Peex an se mystyerious Leetcubeh! 'Allo leidees! 09/24/2004 TheBuyer: this is so hot 09/24/2004 Litcube: FU Pony! FU Buyer! I'm The Man With The Pink Hat 09/24/2004 TheBuyer: f pony? i can see f me...never mind. this is why there are only spoons on the guest side and all the doorknobs have plastic casings that spin unless you really squeeze. 09/24/2004 Litcube: Je deviné Le Pinson est Monsieur Pony. 09/24/2004 scoop: "Grade 12." Man, I can't imagine what kind of unfathomable night terrors seize the mind of the Canaidan. 09/25/2004 TheBuyer: Le Pinson n'est pas Mr. Pony. Que est que spas et toi, mon frere? Tu ne comprende pas le parles du live? Le lange doux du live, c'est comme le doux des dieux. L'ivre, dieux d'idiot. Vive l'huile! 09/25/2004 TheBuyer: Aussie, mon dong rouge est dans le grille-pain. Sacre blue! 09/25/2004 scoop: Mon nom est le scoop et mes émotions sont la couleur de la lune et mes sensations brûle comme l'éruption des petits dessous ! 09/25/2004 Litcube: C'est l'homme qui a exécuté des sexe avec la soeur de Fitz. 09/25/2004 Le Pinson: Speeahk Anglais, yoou raytarrds!
sincèrement, Le Pinsion 09/25/2004 TheBuyer: *"Je m'appelle scoop etc..." 09/26/2004 Le Pinson: Anahwah, Leetcubeh, Ah ahm sorrah sat Ah mystak yu fahr eh wouman--SeBaiyur's farhst commen saamd toh eendicat sat yu had ah vazhyinya ahf sahm sart. Yu ahveeahsle haav ah verra larzh paynis. Pahrhaps Ah meestak yu fahr Gash, no?
Le Pinson 09/26/2004 Litcube: Er.. Bh.. HEY!? 09/28/2004 Yahzick (3): All of this misspelled French is making my cunt hurt. 09/28/2004 TheBuyer: Try a case of Lucky. 09/28/2004 Le Pinson: Eet ees ANGLAIS, yuu RAYTARRD!!!
sincèrement, Le Pinson 09/28/2004 Litcube: I wonder is Scoop's vagina felt anything. 09/28/2004 Litcube: *if*
09/28/2004 scoop's vagina: Sadly, I felt nothing. I've not felt anything in a long, long time... 09/28/2004 Pix: Yahzick, don't I mean more to you? I thought you loved me? 09/29/2004 Yahzick: Yeah, sorry Pix. I guess I'm a shit-head... I didn't even mean to vote, I didn't think I actually *was* voting. I'm starting to feel like a retarded shit-head. I guess it's time for me to drown myself in a bucket of shit. 09/29/2004 Litcube: Oh, is it almost 1:00? 09/29/2004 Pix: Yahzick, Blame it on the chips, those HUGE chips. 09/29/2004 Le Pinson: 'Allo, Peex!
sincèrement, Le Pinson 09/29/2004 Yahzick: Yeah, those huge chips coupled with my 1:00pm dipping my head in a bucket of shit apponintment really seemed to fuck up my equilibrium. I'm gonna go jerk off. 09/29/2004 Litcube: Oh! Is it almost 3:00?