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I invented a smallification device which I’d been using to shrink myself and a bio-submarine down Fantastic Voyage-style for a little medical research project I was doing. I was just finishing up some modifications to the bigification unit when Greg Tauten walked in.
“Well, what do we have here?” Greg ran his had down the gleaming metal chassis of the bigification device. “Let me guess, you stick you pud in here so it’s big enough to boink a flea!”
“Step off, Taunten. This is important science I’m working on. Why don’t you go back to washing test tubes in lab eleven?”
“Pretty sharp, Lou. Except one thing. They just posted the oh-five grants and guess who’s directing R&D in lab one? Me!”
“Congratulations, Greg. You know they always give that to whoever they want to get rid of. They must have figured you didn’t have enough rope to hang yourself with in lab eleven.” I struggled to conceal my rage. The lab one directorate should have been mine, mine!
“Nice try, Lou, but it didn’t work. I’m still happy!”
Just as he turned around to go, I noticed that he was heading right through the smallification matrix, so I turned the dial to seven eighths and when he passed the X on the floor, I flipped the switch. He didn’t even notice, but now he’s shorter than me. The fuck!
Date Written: July 20, 2004Comments:
Author: Richard Bachman
Average Vote: 4.5
07/27/2004 Will Disney (4):
07/27/2004 Will Disney: a lot of promise shown in this one.
07/27/2004 qualcomm (4):
07/27/2004 Ewan Snow (4): “Let me guess, you stick you pud in here so it’s big enough to boink a flee!” Greg Taunten's such a pud. Well he got his!
07/27/2004 scoop (5): This feels Okinawan in some way...
07/27/2004 Mr. Pony (5): Close!
07/27/2004 scoop: !?!?
07/27/2004 TheBuyer (5): Ya, short people ain't got no brains.
07/27/2004 qualcomm: flea, asshole.
07/27/2004 anonymous: Old Summer Sausage, I'm not sure what you mean. Are you addressing me, the author, with your rude remark?
07/27/2004 qualcomm: yeah, i was talking about how you spelled "flea" before you edited it. you know, like in ewan's comment below, copied directly from your original version!
07/27/2004 anonymous: Oh, so you and Ewan are in on this together?
07/27/2004 TheBuyer: Dick Vomit? Izzat you?
07/27/2004 Mr. Pony: You're right, Summer, Ewan is an asshole. You would think that Ewan would have just copied the quote rather than run the risk of misspelling part of it.
07/27/2004 qualcomm: please re-type your comment, pony. i think you accidentally left your retard applet activated on your last one.
07/27/2004 Mr. Pony: Actually, I just copied and pasted it from yours. What happened to your comment? Did you delete it?
07/27/2004 qualcomm: as you know, pony, last saturday night, disney removed all my admin rights, including the ability to delete comments. now please, please: de-activate the retard applet!
07/27/2004 Mr. Pony: I didn't know that! I'm really very sorry to hear that. You must have totally deserved it. As for this "retard applet" you keep going on and on about, you KNOW I have use a Mac, and that there is precious little software for my platform of choice, and furthermore, its implementation of Java is quite clunky, to say the least. The problem must be on your end. Have you tried clearing your cache? Have you tried rebooting?
07/27/2004 Ewan Snow: For the official record, I did copy and paste, so the author must have edited. OSS is telling the truth. Pony may or may not have a retard applet. As we all know Java is a cross platform virtual environment with PL&F (pluggable look & feel), and contrary to his claims, it works quite well on Macs, since OS X, at least. Thank you.
07/27/2004 qualcomm: hm, that doesn't make any sense, pony, since i am but a single node in a state of the art financial securities network, on a terminal powered by flawless, twin 1.1-Ghtz P4 processors! no, i think the problem is with your machine -- i've heard some Macs come with Childish Ploy applications trojan horsed in with the OS. maybe one such program is responsible for making you look like a fool in this exchange?
07/27/2004 Mr. Pony: I know, Ewan, I was just having some fun. Your so serious! Anyway, am I to understand that Java works this way everywhere? Whenever I see that little Java symbol, I know I'm in for a wait (relatively speaking, of course). I guess I always assumed that since I was on a Mac (running OS X, even) that anything "cross-platform" would be optimized for somebody else! (As for the "Retard Applet", I think Summer was making that up--to suggest that what I was saying was unfailingly retarded!)
07/27/2004 Mr. Pony: Summer: Gigahertz is usually abbreviated "GHz" (without the quotes).
07/27/2004 qualcomm: pony! now your machine is spitting out the sure harbingers of a Quibbling Over Minor Facts After Losing An Exchange worm. you have to get that thing checked out!
07/27/2004 Ewan Snow: Jeez, really, Pony? You were just having fun? I never would have fucking guessed!!!! See, I was joking too, buddy. We're all just joking!
07/27/2004 Mr. Pony: Snow: Doesn't feel so good, does it?
Summer: I fail to see how "winning" or "Iosing" this "exchange" could possibly mean anything to either of us. If you disagree, please review the exchange. Anyway, I have the Last Word.
07/27/2004 qualcomm: oh, me too, pony. i didn't mean a single word of this exchange. i've been monitoring my pulse throughout and it never got above 72.
07/27/2004 Ewan Snow: Pony, from now on, please make sure there is context and/or meaning to the words you type, as they currently have neither.
07/27/2004 Mr. Pony: last word
07/27/2004 Will Disney: nope
07/27/2004 Ewan Snow: Mulp
07/28/2004 Ewan Snow: Fucking Richard Bachman. OSS, this is you, right? Did you pick it because you thought that it was the only pseudonym?
07/28/2004 Mr. Pony: Richard Bachman? Come on, that just means "pseudonym"! Who are you, really? last word
07/28/2004 scoop: So Pony.
07/28/2004 Mr. Pony: What?
07/28/2004 Mr. Pony: No, really, what?
07/29/2004 Richard Bachman: My real name isn't Richard Bachman. That's just my pseudonym.
07/29/2004 scoop: Good one, ass hole.
11/5/2004 Mr. Pony: Hey, Author, this short's number one on the Google for "smallification"! It doesn't get any better than that!!
12/6/2004 Ewan Snow: Okay, I admit I'm Richard Bachman.
12/7/2004 Ewan Snow: I SAID, I ADMIT I'M RICHARD BACHMAN!!! What does a guy have to do to get a reaction around here?
12/7/2004 Ewan Snow: Hello?
12/7/2004 Ewan Snow: Uh... guys?
12/7/2004 The Finch: Your confession is noted, Ewan Snow. It may interest you to learn that one of your fellow community members has already suggested that you might be Richard Bachman.
12/7/2004 The Fonch: Though noted, the confession is false. Ewan Snow is not the Author who has used the pseudonym 'Richard Bachman' to write this short. The true author weighs less, is equally as 'happy' in general, and loves the outdoors. He is also The Finch! In adittion, regardless of what Dylan Danko says next, it should not be taken seriously.
12/7/2004 Dylan Danko: I am a horrible, horrible contributor to acmeshorts. My colleagues here at acme are all paragons of virtue and their shorts are exemplars of wit.
12/8/2004 Mr. Pony: Hooray!