home authors guest shorts graphical shorts

AcmeShorts

I grow weary of the current discounts available to me, to us, on several items at local shops and outlets. I long for discounts with meaning, bargains that have the guts to take risks, offers that signify. Do you remember what it was like? I do, in the beginning, when we were just starting out. When they use to sing, baby? Don't get me started.

Now I feel we have allowed ourselves be satisfied with the most banal and pedestrian of savings. We sup on treacle as if it were cuisine. We scramble for feeble deals and wait slavishly for whatever meager 2-for-1 is tossed to us. Who here among us does not feel like something important has been lost, that we have been robbed of our capacity to commune with current deals? Who? Who? Anyone? No?

Just as I expected. We have grown afraid of ourselves. Have you been blinded, or just glutted on satisfaction? Well I certainly feel very strongly about the state of discounts. I have given it a great deal of what in some circles is referred to as "consideration." Nothing less than our very souls are at stake.

One should never expect a wise, saavy and cost-conscious consumer to originate in the purchasing decisions of a collection of indiscriminating shoppers. Our mores have been corrupted.

Something needs to be done. Canít you see that? Can't you feel it?

Date Written: July 21, 2004
Author: scoop
Average Vote: 4

Comments:
07/26/2004 Benny Maniacs (5): Though this didn't make me laugh, and is sort of a one trick pony, the idea is great and I think in many years, when we're retired and have an Acme reunion, this one will confirm to us that we were onto something important.
07/26/2004 scoop: I don't mean to be a stickler, Maniacs, but becasue of certain other members of the community, the phrase "One Trick Pony" is frowned upon here. It's insensitive and a little offensive. I know, you didn't mean anyhting by it. But in the future if you could stick to the accepted nomencalture of "One Trick Oriental" it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks alot.
07/26/2004 qualcomm: what does this mean: "One should never expect a wise, saavy and cost-conscious consumer to originate in the purchasing decisions of a collection of indiscriminating shoppers." what the f? a consumer originates in someone's purchasing decisions? guh?
07/26/2004 John Slocum: I agree with maniacs that this is a great idea. But it doesn't make me laugh and is sort of a one-trick-oriental. Also, I was looking forward to this when I saw it in the queue and feel disappointed.
07/26/2004 John Slocum (3): And so.
07/26/2004 Benny Maniacs: I'd like to apologize for my offensive behavior, as it was insensitive, offensive and stupid. I am sorry. Mr. Pony: If either you or your beautiful wife were offended, I'd like to personally reach my hands out to you both, and express my deepest sorrow. Maybe, since you are a very busy man, I'll express my sorrow to your wife, alone. I have a special ritual which best expresses this sorrow. It's a sort of interactive performance piece of sorrow.
07/26/2004 Benny Maniacs: I think this is The Lerpowski, but am unfamiliar with teh style of The Snow.
07/26/2004 qualcomm: it is neither, maniacs.
07/26/2004 Mr. Pony (4): Really? The clarity of this one make me think it's Matza. Also, I thought that line that Summer had trouble with was particularly poetic. Also good. Still. One-trick-pony. A side note: I know that our common agreement to not be upset in the slightest if any/all of our significant others happen to find themselves in Maniacs' bed, but perhaps it bears repeating here.
07/26/2004 Ewan Snow: It's either you or scoop, Benny.
07/26/2004 anonymous: It's actually me, assholes.
07/26/2004 Ewan Snow: Pony, I believe you are what is known as insane. While the first sentence and premise has Matza-like qualities, the writing doesn't.
07/26/2004 qualcomm: pony, what do you think that line means, or is getting at? i think it might just be an error.
07/26/2004 qualcomm: though i guess i can see it as a poetic concentrate
07/26/2004 Ewan Snow: Yeah, I read it as warning that that "the purchasing decisions of a collection of indiscriminating shoppers" is NOT a primordial soup out of which "a wise, savvy and cost-conscious consumer" is likely to emerge. But still, I don't think that was the right way to go with this joke, personally. It seemed like it would have been funnier as bragging litany of the sweet savings and discount the speaker had enjoyed. For instance, did the speaker take advantage of "twofers"? I'd like to know.
07/26/2004 Mr. Pony: Might be a mistake, but I read it as a metaphysical Messiah; a Kwisatz Haderach; emerging from the collective conscious and unconscious decisions of the shopping Imperium. Sort of like the UniMind or Jack the Ripper or the Spirit of Aloha.
07/26/2004 qualcomm: that's what i thought it meant, too, ewan. but that's putting the cart before the horse, NO?!
07/26/2004 Mr. Pony: Hey, now, Ewan, do I call you insane when you're wrong?
07/26/2004 John Slocum: this has the feel of Scoop's dust short. Therefore I think it's scoop.
07/26/2004 scoop: I think it's Slocum since on my last short he took credit for writing it while it was still in its anonymity stage. So it stands to reason that he would say I am the author on a short he penned. Incontrovertible.
07/26/2004 Ewan Snow: Pony: No, you don't call me insane, but that's only because of your mental illness.
07/26/2004 scoop: Damn Pony Snow is carrying you in front of all your peers. Certainly this calls for some sort of retribution.
07/26/2004 TheBuyer: scoop 4 for structure, format and 'offers that signify'
07/26/2004 qualcomm (5): i think some of the execution is substandard, but the idea is so cherry
07/26/2004 Mr. Pony: Carrying me? I'm not even sure what that means. Also, I'm not entirely sure what Snow was trying to say in his last comment. Perhaps I have had a break of some sort.
07/26/2004 anonymous: Yeah, pony, a break with reality!
07/26/2004 scoop: Perhaps it's time you dealt with some of your issues Pony, and built a ConvalescingDome to get well, get in a good place.
07/26/2004 anonymous: Yeah, 'cause he's FUCKING CRAZY!!! bibble bibble bibble
07/26/2004 Will Disney (3):
07/26/2004 Jon Matza: Yes Mr. Pony thinks in images & perceives things differently in general (very, very differently)...but sometimes there's more sense in Pony's deranged gibberish than in everyone else's supposedly "sane" remarks put together!
07/26/2004 Mr. Pony: Hooray!
07/26/2004 Jon Matza (4): Re short: Fine work, author...tho I would've ended with "One should never expect a wise, saavy and cost-conscious consumer to originate in the purchasing decisions of a collection of indiscriminating shoppers." (not that I know--or can be bothered to think out--what it means either, but I think it would have been too serious in a mintly humorous way, if that's not too deep for people of your ill-breeding.)
07/26/2004 John Slocum: I think this is Slocum. It has his voice.
07/26/2004 John SIocum Imposter: wine. wiiiiiiiiiine.
07/26/2004 John Slocum: This last comment was not me. Who's pretending to be Slocum. I hate you.
07/26/2004 TheBuyer: neither was your last message board post. you may wish to expand your hate accordingly and/or plot sweet, sweet revenge.
07/26/2004 Mr. Pony: What strange posts to fake!
07/26/2004 TheBuyer (4):


07/26/2004 Mr. Pony: C'mon, TheBuyer -- Isn't that just a little bit unnecessary?
07/26/2004 TheBuyer:

!!!
07/26/2004 Mr. Pony: Fair enough!