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A few days ago, I was fortunate enough to attend Sea World’s newest 3-D attraction, R.L. Stine’s Haunted Lighthouse 4-D. It’s a fantastic adventure that blends the cutting-edge technology of 3-D filmmaking with the stellar storytelling of the master of children’s horror, R.L. Stine.

Stacey (Janet Simpson) and Jimmy (Brad Hillhurst), siblings on vacation with their parents, venture off into Black Night Forest for a brief hike. After wandering aimlessly for several hours, the children emerge from the forest at the base of Terror Lighthouse. Scared and hungry, the children enter the lighthouse and discover a terrifying world of terror. Christopher Lloyd plays Tinkle McGillicutty, the omnipresent lighthouse keeper.

There’s really a lot to like about Haunted Lighthouse. Performances are all stellar for a 3-D attraction at a third tier amusement park. Simpson’s performance is particularly noteworthy. She demonstrates a command of the material not seen in a child actress since Tiffany Brissette in Small Wonder. Lloyd is luminous as always. I’m certain his career will see a resurgence after the great word of mouth about this film spreads.

R.L. Stine’s story also shines, delicately balancing a complex narrative with scares directed towards the camera. So convincing were the effects that I often found myself trying to grab the object jumping out of the screen. Of course, that was after I was able to safely open my eyes. ;-)

If there’s one problem, it’s the overuse of graphic scenes of sexual intercourse. While I whole-heartedly believe that the back of a theater at a water park is an appropriate place to masturbate, no one outside of Japan is going to find tentacle rape arousing. Had Stine simply stopped with the underwater gangbang, most patrons would have emerged sexually gratified. Still, the attraction has enough chills and 3-D cumshots to recommend to the whole family.

Date Written: August 04, 2004
Author: Dolemite
Average Vote: 4.1429

Comments:
08/11/2004 TheBuyer (4): pretty good radio copy. will punish severely for emoticon use in the future. "tentacle rape"
08/11/2004 Jon Matza (4): Twist in last paragraph was expected and in my opinion, uninspired...but author deserves some sweet credit for the wintogreen premise & setup and skillful rendering of inane critic-speak.
08/11/2004 scoop (4): Depending on their texture and qunatity, cumshots can be chilling in their own right.
08/11/2004 Litcube (4): Perhaps the emoticon usage was part of the setup, and intentionally gay.
08/11/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (5): Depending on their texture and quantity, emoticons can be chilling as well! Nice Small Wonder ref. That's a clever bite.
08/12/2004 anonymous: Gives me Goosebumps.
08/12/2004 Dolemite: Hey anon_user_a!!!! I see you like R.L. Stine as much as I do!!!! Wanna come over and watch Yu-Gi-Oh at my house?!?!?!?! I also have the new Pokemon Leaf Green with the wireless adapter!!!! We can totally play!!!! My Bulbasaur is really strong!!!!! You should see his Solar Beam!!!! It's awesome!!!!!!!!!
08/12/2004 Mr. Pony (5): Holy fuck. Four for the short, five for the comment.
08/12/2004 qualcomm: five stars, pony? you fucking retard.
08/12/2004 Jon Matza: Why? This was good, and there's obviously someone intelligent behind it. This is what should be encouraged, not participation for its own sake.
08/12/2004 qualcomm: are you referring to the buyer with "participation for its own sake"?
08/12/2004 qualcomm: it's good. it's not five stars.
08/12/2004 anonymous: The Buyer is soooooooooo cute.
08/12/2004 Dolemite: That's not very nice Old Summer Sausage!!!! I'm going to have my Mightyena use Scary Face on you!!!!! Now your SPEED has fallen!!!! Ha!!!!
08/12/2004 qualcomm: what? i said it was good.
08/12/2004 anonymous: Dolemite emotes like Cap'n Crunch
08/12/2004 Jon Matza: OSS: of course I am. Among others.
08/12/2004 anonymous: 'Za: As Goebbels needed the Jews (poor Jews), Acme needs the Buyer. Please refrain from further attacks....+, he's sooooooo cute.
08/12/2004 Mr. Pony: Summer, you little ding-a-ling! The short; I thought the short was a four. I rewarded Dolemite with an extra star for his snarky response to anon_user_a's bland "I know who R.L. Stine is" reference. (R.L. Stine writes a series of spooky children's books called Goosebumps.) I made the reason for my five fairly clear in my comment. If you're going to keep playing vote police with me, please bother to read the comments you're marching around the room banging on your pot about!
08/12/2004 qualcomm: pony: you are a hawaiian retard. your breath reeks of pineapple and mahi-mahi. i mean, this isn't a luau, buddy, this is life.
08/12/2004 qualcomm: (also, it's not better than my robot short, which you 3'd)
08/12/2004 anonymous: Pony, I don't know what you're talking about...i just thought the short was kind of scary, so it gave me goosebumps.
08/12/2004 Mr. Pony: I don't feel like your robot short made enough sense. I had trouble figuring out what was going on. It was hard to understand what you were trying to say/illustrate/portray! Was that my fault? Partially! But as an aspiring writer, I think you need to do better! Now, cease your ridiculous attacks and think about what you've done. Sociopath.
08/12/2004 Mr. Pony: anon_user_a: You lie!
08/12/2004 anonymous: Also, Pony, you stole MY idea about ceasing attacks from my post timed at 6:30:20.
08/12/2004 Mr. Pony: Huh!
08/12/2004 anonymous: just so we're clear, I am TheBuyer.
08/13/2004 Great Satan (3): No such thing as 4D, assholes. This gets a 3. One for each D, minus one for the nonexistent D. 666
08/13/2004 anonymous: There's 11 D's.
08/13/2004 Dolemite: Great Satan: Don't dock me a point because R.L. Stine is a fuckstick who thinks he's clever by naming his ride "4-D" thereby implying that it is so totally awesome, it can't be contained in a mere 3 dimensions.
08/13/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: Dolemite: Are you telling me that there are Johto Pokémon available to capture in the Leaf Green version that isn't available in the U.S. untill next month? Holy shit is that some amazing news!
08/13/2004 Dolemite: I know Ferucio!!! I can't wait to have my Blaziken fight Misty at the Cerulean City Gym!!!! I'll teach that water-type loving cunt a thing or two!!!
08/13/2004 Mr. Pony: Is that really wise to challenge someone with a stable of that many water-types with a Blaziken? I don't mean to dampen your hopes, Dolemite, but even with a fire-type as evolved as Blaziken, won't that be something of an uphill battle?
08/13/2004 anonymous: Does no one care that there at 11 dimentions? Am I alone in the fact that I grow a half-wood at the very thought?
08/13/2004 qualcomm: i care
08/17/2004 Jon Matza: Dolemite: I, Matza, champion of guest authors, urge you to, (or at least hope you will) write shorts more often.
08/17/2004 Dolemite: Thank you O' Mighty King Matza. I'll try my best to uphold your majestic decree, but excessive work prevents me from investing as much time and energy into writing short shorts as everyone else here seems to have.
08/17/2004 Ewan Snow: Dolemite, I command you to immediately quit your job and shun your family. Sell everything you have and donate it to the Church of Acme. Man does not live on bread alone. He must write shorts!
08/17/2004 Jon Matza: Ok...just keep in mind your efforts will be rewarded with oxen and virgins.
08/17/2004 Dolemite: Mmmm...I love oxygen. It's sooooo tight. Virgins are ok too.
08/17/2004 Dolemite: And by "oxygen", I mean "oxen". And by "it's", I mean "they're". This is exactly why I can't contribute to this glorious community during work.
01/20/2005 Litcube: [Finish]. This is a familiar part of town I've finished in! Yay! Good shit, dude. I hope your absence is nothing but a hiatus.