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For a short while when Valentino was ten, he lived in a hospice. One day, a group of stronger boys also living the hospice took his colouring books away and made him play the banjo for them instead. When Valentino began to play, the music summoned a djini who granted the boys some wishes that they could share. All the boys became very excited and wished with all the wishiness their terminal little hearts could bear. Within seconds they had sent the girls in the place packing, grew monkey tails, and they were all very, very rich. It was great! Dying children are so precious. And stupid.
Date Written: August 25, 2004Comments:
Average Vote: 4.4444
08/27/2004 Dick Vomit (4): Booyah-kashah
08/27/2004 Benny Maniacs (4): I liked the tone and the specificity with the languages and foreign clime. I thought the end line took away though, seemed a little self-conscious.
08/27/2004 qualcomm (4):
08/27/2004 Jon Matza (4): Yeah, good, esp. "Within seconds..." sentence. But (to echo Maniacs) it'd be more forceful & less telegraphed to drop "It was great" and end at "Dying children are so precious."
08/27/2004 Will Disney (5):
08/27/2004 Will Disney: who wrote this? it's swell.
08/27/2004 Litcube (4): He was ten and his name was Valentino. Did no one else shed a tear?
08/27/2004 Dick Vomit: I think removing the period between precious and and stupid might do the trick nicely.
08/27/2004 anonymous: I did! Thanks Will!
08/28/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (5): This is a really good one. I take issue with the add-on last sentence. Don't think you need it. Otherwise it's very tight. Monkey tails would be an obvious choice, wouldn't it?
08/28/2004 Pix (5): Guess I'd better throw in my 5 stars.
02/8/2005 Sergio (5): I was a little concerned about what the stronger boys were gonna make Valentino do. Did he eventually die, or does he now look back and want to change his wish?