home authors guest shorts graphical shorts
Being a male cicada, Hannakack first set about forming a chorusing center, filling the air with his noisy serenade. Other cicadas were emerging out of the earth too, and in incredible numbers. This particular neighborhood in Long Island had 50 to 100 cicadas per square yard. The heavy drone of clicks became so loud that every female within miles was attracted, their insect vaginas being stimulated by the sultry, hypnotic CLACK clack-cak-cak-ck.
One particularly robust female, Thwatey, let Hannakack mount her, and it was great. Afterwards, her friend, Beth, ambled along, and he did her too. Then, when he thought things couldn't possibly get better, an exotically orange-banded Magicicada septendecim named Cha-cha went down on him, and he came in between her mandibles. He knew it wasn't "natural", in that it wouldn't lead to reproduction, but he did it anyway. He saw his buddy, Farfet, getting what appeared to be a double hand-job in the crook of a branch. Everywhere, cicadas were falling all over themselves, mating in the branches with primitive abandonment. You should have seen it - it was fuckin awesome.
Postscript - 17 years later: Hannakack's son banged his half-sister without even knowing it.
Date Written: August 27, 2004Comments:
Author: Benny Maniacs
Average Vote: 4.9
09/2/2004 qualcomm (5): aw, man
09/2/2004 qualcomm: hey, what happened to the first sentence? does it only appear in the title?
09/2/2004 mr.coffee (5): somebody's been watching TOTAL RECALL.
09/2/2004 qualcomm: yeah, i'd say that joke's the only error
09/2/2004 anonymous: I figured the first line was redundant, and only kept it in as the title.
09/2/2004 Mr. Pony (5): I don't mind the reference. It's a nice, stupid way to end it.
09/2/2004 Principal Skinner: I guess since OSS didn't one star me, this means we're all friends again.
09/2/2004 Litcube (4): Well done!
09/2/2004 qualcomm: four stars - just as good as today's guest short
09/2/2004 Litcube: Point taken. Today's guest short was a '3.5'. This is a '4.3'.
09/2/2004 Mr. Pony: If we're really going to buckle down and use the star rating system to organize everything in the universe in a linear, one-dimensional tower, ordered from not funny at all to the funniest thing ever, then we really need to be able to vote with decimal stars. These whole stars just aren't the right tool for the job!
09/2/2004 Litcube: Only then can Ol' Summer Sausage accurately hold me accountable to his taste.
09/2/2004 qualcomm: i still haven't heard a good explanation from either of you about why you gave today's guest short four. "i was surprised by the doo-doo" just doesn't cut it (the doo-doo) for me. i mean... come on.
09/2/2004 Litcube: I laughed, so I handed in 4. "OMG!!!! I had a sudden bout of diarrhea and I shat all over this guys face," did it for me.
09/3/2004 John Slocum (5): Nice one, Maniacs. Was looking forward to this one all week.
09/3/2004 Jon Matza: Not knowing the TR reference, I found the last line to be a jarring, star-detracting note in an otherwise tip-top, five star effort (cicadas' names were especially trilby). Since my reaction to that joke admittedly resulted in part from ignorance, I leave it to you, Maniacs: do you want the four or the slightly tainted five?
09/5/2004 Jon Matza (5): I don't take kindly to the silent treatment, Maniacs.
09/5/2004 Benny Maniacs: Tainted five is fine by me.
09/10/2004 Dick Vomit (5): Fave Benny Maniacs to date. LI Reprazent.
12/8/2004 TheBuyer: Hannakack tee-shirt ATTACK!
12/8/2004 TheBuyer (5):
12/8/2004 scoop (5): I thought I voted on this one. I have Hannacak's mummified remians hanging off of my New York City apartment wall. Maniacs, now a guest, is going to help me build a plaque in his memory. If anyone wants to contribute to the cause, they can reach me contemplating the truth, meaning and other important matters at my New York City apartment.
12/9/2004 Dick Vomit: Being from Long Island (maybe), and knowing a thing or two about yards/cicadas, I've got to tell you that 50-100 cicadas per square yard is a bona fide fuckload of cicadas. In fact, barring a plague scenario, I'd say it's utterly unlikely.
12/9/2004 TheBuyer: so, do you say it Lowng Guylnd like the wops on tv?
04/20/2005 The Rid (5):