home authors guest shorts graphical shorts

AcmeShorts

"What I'm about to show you is utterly shocking," stammered Mrs. Vanderbilt, the born-again virgin schoolteacher in whom few would take a passing interest in deflowering, save for the slightly balding, yet vastly unkempt (and newly heterosexual) Mr. Weathers, as she addressed the school board. "I know we are trying to improve the literacy of our third graders. But Newbury Medal winner or not, Destination: Contemplation has no place in our school's curriculum. I've taken the liberty of reproducing one of many offensive passages for your perusal. Please, read on."

I had definitely gotten O'Callaghan's goat this time around. I'd made time with his best girl - or so he thought - and that's all that mattered. But in dreams, or in cappuccino-tinged autumnal memories, I'd return again and again to my failings with Olivia that Saturday night to find it particularly troublesome that I could not ascribe my lack of success to any one thing. Perhaps it was the ill-timed playing of the "Benny Hill" theme song to set the mood. Or perhaps it was the simple fact that I had been apportioned a set of balls that far outsized the accompanying shaft.

Date Written: September 29, 2004
Author: Turgid
Average Vote: 3.75

Comments:
10/6/2004 qualcomm: "what the devil?"
10/6/2004 TheBuyer (4): what's the scoopism, 'burying your lede', or something? because that's what is going on here. Early morning 4.
10/6/2004 anonymous: Oh - so nobody for cares for Benny Hill, then? Xenophobes.
10/6/2004 qualcomm: my biggest problem here is sort of technical: i just didn't "believe" that the italicized passage was from a newbury award book. now, if it were clearly not from such a book because it was all fucked up from the get go, i'd say fine (depending on whether it was well-written). or, on the opposite hand, if you'd nailed some kind of robert cormier weltenschuuang in the passage, i'd say, "great!" what you did write was neither here not there, though.
10/6/2004 Mr. Pony (4): Sorry, author, we're all over on the home page watching Summer defend a short as if it were his very own. G4. Very silly.
10/6/2004 qualcomm (3):
10/6/2004 Chance the Gardener (4): I agree, this one has it all -- silly, funny, and DIRTY!
10/6/2004 Jon Matza: For the most part I, Matza, found this short to make for pleasant if uninspiring reading. But the title "Destination: Contemplation" is flavorful gravy.
10/7/2004 anonymous: Readers: your failure to grasp the hilarity of the Benny Hill paradigm (lecherous Brits attempting to compensate for a culturally imposed Puritanical set of mores with exaggerated prurience to the tune of 'comedy'; see: the Japanese, minus the comedy, plus the tentacles) within the context of an award-winning children's book fills me with disappointment, disapproval, and distaste, among other things.
10/7/2004 TheBuyer: curse of the Frankenstone, can't be helped.