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I plan to coach the winner of Mr. Universe 2034.

I shall travel to Rwanda to capture a mountain gorilla infant. They get fucking huge; males have been measured at 500lbs. I am going to continually shoot that baby full of protein, testosterone, dianabol and painkillers, and train it for hours on end. It is going to know nothing but a weight room. It will be a zombie, devoid of mentality, and the only thought it will be able to think will be "just one more rep". After 30 years of this treatment with potent steroids, massive doses of protein, and extreme amounts of weightlifting, I estimate I can get it up to 1000lbs. I say this because humans' natural weights are around 180lb, and there are 360lb humans: if a gorilla's natural weight is 500lbs, I can get it up to 1000lb. That gorilla is gonna be a beast for sure. When it outgrows the weightroom I am going to train it at night on the sly, deadlifting railroad cars off the tracks, uprooting trees, etc. Then as the contest approaches, I will dart the huge bitch, shave him completely, and get him all tanned up. I have read the protocols of Mr. Universe, and there is no mention of species of contestant, so they have to accept him. After his victory I'll probably sell him to some fame-seeker and then spend a couple years on the lecture circuit.

Date Written: October 01, 2004
Author: Streifenbeuteldachs
Average Vote: 4.75

10/11/2004 Will Disney: This is pretty weird!
10/11/2004 Mr. Pony (5): There is so much that is good about this!
10/11/2004 scoop: I get shivers thinking about the juicy plumpness of the in-grown hair zits this massive steroid addled gorilla is going to have. I find myself both repulsed and transfixed by them. Part of me wants to run, the other part relishes the possibility of feeling the electric sensation as my thumbs find sweet purchase on either side of one of those pulsating, quivering zits. And then of course the sense of agonizing relief as I squeeze.
10/11/2004 scoop (5): Oh yeah, good short. I particularly like how it takes its wierdness for granted.
10/11/2004 Litcube (4): I think your plan has flaws.
10/11/2004 TheBuyer (5): His tits will lactate.
10/11/2004 Mr. Pony: I keep thinking about the logic behind the weight thing, and my heart gets the cardiac equivalent of one of those half-boners.
10/12/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan: This is a rip of Kaz's "Underworld" comic.
01/6/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs: It ain't a rip of shit, bitch!
07/26/2005 Mr. Pony: Ah, a "chubber," that's what.
This is 100% awesome.