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I plan to coach the winner of Mr. Universe 2034.
I shall travel to Rwanda to capture a mountain gorilla infant. They get fucking huge; males have been measured at 500lbs. I am going to continually shoot that baby full of protein, testosterone, dianabol and painkillers, and train it for hours on end. It is going to know nothing but a weight room. It will be a zombie, devoid of mentality, and the only thought it will be able to think will be "just one more rep". After 30 years of this treatment with potent steroids, massive doses of protein, and extreme amounts of weightlifting, I estimate I can get it up to 1000lbs. I say this because humans' natural weights are around 180lb, and there are 360lb humans: if a gorilla's natural weight is 500lbs, I can get it up to 1000lb. That gorilla is gonna be a beast for sure. When it outgrows the weightroom I am going to train it at night on the sly, deadlifting railroad cars off the tracks, uprooting trees, etc. Then as the contest approaches, I will dart the huge bitch, shave him completely, and get him all tanned up. I have read the protocols of Mr. Universe, and there is no mention of species of contestant, so they have to accept him. After his victory I'll probably sell him to some fame-seeker and then spend a couple years on the lecture circuit.
Date Written: October 01, 2004
Average Vote: 4.75