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Holy fuck do I love smuckers. It's mind blowing combination of viscosity and tangy sweetness blows my mind. Oh did I say that? I meant it too. Rasberry is best but sometimes, when I'm feeling depressed after too many hours down at the bank, I'll take blueberry. One time I went to the safeway and they were out. Holy fuck did I shit a brick that day. Life is different since I discovered how fucking good it is. I used to come home and sit in front of the television and masturbate to talk shows but now coming home is like a trip to Las Vegas.
It used to be like this
1. Get home from bank
2. Sit in chair in front of TV
3. Unzip pants
4. Masturbate to Talk shows
5. Wipe hands on pants
6. Go to kitchen and eat Mr. Noodles
7. Go to bed

Now I would say life has a little more flavour:

1. Get home from bank(Well that hasn't changed)
2. Go to kitchen and grab butter knife and jar of Rasberry smuckers.
3. Open jar and place in microwave on high for twenty seconds.

4. Strip naked and sit in chair.
5. Spread jam liberally over my body and into my rectum until jar is empty.
6. Smash jar on coffee table and spread broken glass on carpet.
7. Place two fingers in rectum and roll around in the glass until cut and stinging.
8. Smell fingers.
9. Masturbate with handful of broken glass.

10. Go to bed.

As you can clearly see, my experiences with smuckers have made me a happier, more well rounded person. Oh yeah I almost forgot to mention, don't try this with salsa. It kind of fucking hurts.

Date Written: October 03, 2004
Author: Fitzcarralldo
Average Vote: 3.375

10/12/2004 Will Disney (3): i'll give this a 3.5 for grotesquery.
10/12/2004 TheBuyer (4): holy fuck, eh.
10/12/2004 Yahzick (4): That's a whole extra star for smelling your fingers after.
10/12/2004 Dick Vomit (4): Puffed out a little laugh-bark at the first line. Enjoyed Mr. Noodles.
10/12/2004 Dick Vomit: Actually, sort of feel like taking off a star for the last stinker of a minigraf. Hadn't read that the first time. But anyway, yes. Jerking off to talk shows.
10/12/2004 Mr. Pony (3): I know that being so deliberate is part of the joke, but it's so deliberate.
10/12/2004 Litcube (3): I agree.
10/12/2004 TheBuyer: doesn't anybody just sit around and play with their poop anymore? those were such simple times.
10/12/2004 The Rid (3): Starts as a 1 star but ends as a 5 star, resulting in 3 stars.
10/13/2004 Pix (3): Is this a true story? It wouldn't surprise me...HA