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Holy fuck do I love smuckers. It's mind blowing combination of viscosity and tangy sweetness blows my mind. Oh did I say that? I meant it too. Rasberry is best but sometimes, when I'm feeling depressed after too many hours down at the bank, I'll take blueberry. One time I went to the safeway and they were out. Holy fuck did I shit a brick that day. Life is different since I discovered how fucking good it is. I used to come home and sit in front of the television and masturbate to talk shows but now coming home is like a trip to Las Vegas.
It used to be like this
1. Get home from bank
2. Sit in chair in front of TV
3. Unzip pants
4. Masturbate to Talk shows
5. Wipe hands on pants
6. Go to kitchen and eat Mr. Noodles
7. Go to bed
Now I would say life has a little more flavour:
1. Get home from bank(Well that hasn't changed)
2. Go to kitchen and grab butter knife and jar of Rasberry smuckers.
3. Open jar and place in microwave on high for twenty seconds.
4. Strip naked and sit in chair.
5. Spread jam liberally over my body and into my rectum until jar is empty.
6. Smash jar on coffee table and spread broken glass on carpet.
7. Place two fingers in rectum and roll around in the glass until cut and stinging.
8. Smell fingers.
9. Masturbate with handful of broken glass.
10. Go to bed.
As you can clearly see, my experiences with smuckers have made me a happier, more well rounded person. Oh yeah I almost forgot to mention, don't try this with salsa. It kind of fucking hurts.
Date Written: October 03, 2004
Average Vote: 3.375