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Aphid Mezrik climbed aboard the municipal Sport Utility Bus, paid his 86 dollars, and rode it toward the seaside Consum-U-Plex at the end of the line six miles away. At the second refueling stop, Aphid settled a glum cheek on his palm and watched some robot children splashing around in a diesel puddle.
Arriving at CUP, the driver killed the Turbo Electrothrum cold fusion jet motor and let the bus coast to a halt. Aphid climbed the ladder to the roof and stepped onto the waiting pad for the land skiff which would shuttle him to Amalgamated ConglomaMart--or would it be Consolidated EveryStores today? ConglomoMart had the racetrack and the Ferris Wheel, but Kendra Verdone rented nap pods over at CES--and she was a peach. It was a toss up.
While he waited, Aphid pulled out a sippy box of Drink Lunch! and pierced the silver, celophane hole with the straw. The nutrients trickled down his esophagus. Aphid allowed his mind to wander while staring at the billboard promoting America's Next Fetus Idol Billionaire.
Then he got mugged, right there on the platform, by a couple of dirty chinks! CHINKS! Can you believe it?!
Date Written: October 26, 2004Comments:
Author: Dick Vomit
Average Vote: 3.9
11/3/2004 Yahzick (1): I fucking hate "meh".
11/3/2004 TheBuyer (5): That was cold. Start fresh at three.
11/3/2004 The Rid (4): Meh.
11/3/2004 anonymous: Oh. OH. You hate "meh". Better one-star the whole short, retard. Did you vote for Bush because you hate fags? Retard. Motherfucking retard.
11/3/2004 George W. Bush: I resemble that remark! Heh heh heh.
11/3/2004 Mr. Pony: Yahzick, did you really give the thing one star because you don't like the word "Meh"?
11/3/2004 Jon Matza: Sure he did. He got a swift revenge vote for it, too!
11/3/2004 Mr. Pony (4):
11/3/2004 anonymous: there is no moral high ground on Acme.
11/3/2004 qualcomm: 'thor's right
11/3/2004 TheBuyer: a sippy box of Drink Lunch!
11/3/2004 Dick Vomit: I'm really digging seeing my rating drop because of this! Thanks, Yahzik! Thanks for your thoughtful consideration of this short!
11/3/2004 Litcube (5): Includes correction. Yahzick hates everything. Last night he called me gay because I used the phrase, "world theater." He's also said he hates me when I use the word "meh".
"You're *SO* gay for saying that!" said he.
11/3/2004 qualcomm: but you're a girl, litcube, right?
11/3/2004 Litcube: "Qualcomm," by 'girl', are you implying that I'm under 18?
11/3/2004 qualcomm: what color are your boobies?
11/3/2004 Dick Vomit (5): !!!!!!!
11/3/2004 Litcube: Peachy pink satin, I believe it's called at Benjamin Moore. Yours?
11/3/2004 qualcomm: Knotty Sheep Cecum Mauve
11/3/2004 Mr. Pony: Second corrective five?
11/3/2004 Yahzick: I really hate "meh". There's a lot of things for which I have an irrational hatred. "Meh" is really close to the top of this list, these days.
Oh, and Canadians, like me, aren't allowed to vote for American leaders yet. It's becasue we live in a different country.
11/3/2004 Mr. Pony: Dick Vomit: Canada is a different country. You should have known I am Canadian. Both of me. I am also chugging your D. Right now. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.
11/3/2004 Dick Vomit: Wait. Canada is a different country? I should have known you were Canadian? Both? You're chugging my D? Also? Right now?
11/3/2004 qualcomm: savoring vomit's delicious rage... i can understand now why people enjoy baiting me with anonymous comments and what not
11/3/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs (3): Correction for Litcube's second corrective 5.
11/3/2004 Yahzick: Meh.
11/3/2004 anonymous: stay out of this, Lerpa you faggot
11/3/2004 Dick Vomit: Hey, cunts.
11/3/2004 Dick Vomit: Hey. HEY. Cunts?
11/3/2004 TheBuyer: Hey Yahzick, how's yer hangover, you fuckin mook.
11/3/2004 Great Satan (5): Guys, this is rad, meh or no meh. Corrective 5 for Streifenbeuteldachs' 3. 666
11/3/2004 Mr. Pony: You have more questions, Dick Vomit?
11/3/2004 TheBuyer: what, cunt?
11/3/2004 Dick Vomit: Nothin.'
11/3/2004 Dick Vomit: Just wanted the cunts in question to think, "Oh, yeah, here it comes."
11/3/2004 Yahzick: Why did you call me a mook, Buyer? Today's hangover is no different than any other weekday hangover. It's a bit nicer than the ones that I have on weekends becasue I only drank a dozen or so. It's kind of dull and painless. Basically, it's enough to keep me from cleaning my room or my self but not enough to make me bitchy.
Dick, I was looking at the numbers and my 1 probably earned you more 5's than you deserved. So quit your fucking whining.
11/3/2004 Dick Vomit: Quit guzzling cum, Yahzick. Quit choking on it. Quit getting gag-fucked by a porpoise. I could NEVER get more fives than I deserve. You were looking at the numbers! FIE on you! WARM SHIT ON YOU! FIE! MEH!
11/3/2004 George W. Bush: I'm a uniter!
11/3/2004 George W. Bush: Unifaction.
11/3/2004 Jon Matza: Author: should acme readers be concerned about your ending's puzzling similarity to that of this old matza short?
11/3/2004 Dick Vomit: Certainly not.
11/3/2004 The Rid: On second thought, I should've 5ed this. Fuck.
11/4/2004 The Rid: Yep. Still funny.
11/4/2004 scoop (5): More than anything I'm grateful for this short's unintended consequences, namely George's "unification" and Dick Vomit's scrumptous rage and fury. PS -- hey Yahzick, MEHMEHMEHMEHMEHMEHMEHMEHMEHMEHMEHMEHMEHMEHMEMEH!!!
11/4/2004 George W. Bush: Unifaction
11/4/2004 scoop: Hallefuckinglujah.
11/5/2004 John Slocum (5): Another nice piece of work. Good hands.
11/12/2004 senator (2): I didn't like this one. Maybe I'm just missing something, but it wasn't funny.
11/12/2004 Dick Vomit: ha ha ha, you cunt.
11/13/2004 scoop: Don't be so insensitive, Dick Vomit. I mean, what if Senator really is a cunt. What then? It's not so funny is it? Is it?
11/13/2004 Dick Vomit: No. You're right.
12/18/2004 The Rid: I keep coming back to this short, cuz I think it's awesome. Yeah. Heh.
09/15/2008 Yahzick: I still don't like this short.
09/15/2008 Dick Vomit: I still don't like you.
09/16/2008 Litcube: Yahzick sure has calmed down over the years; he's not so much of a toggle switch. He's no longer as cold black and white as he used to be. 'Used to call me too black & white. A good thing this is all here on The Record, though.
09/16/2008 Dick Vomit: This is a pretty solid short.
09/20/2008 Yahzick: Meh.
You're wrong about the solid part. Most likely you're right about the short part, though. It wasn't too long. That and the fact that it didn't cost me any money are both redeeming factors.
Thanks for making it that way.
09/21/2008 Dick Vomit: Okay.