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The pain lanced into his skull...like a laserblade with a bad charge slowly devouring his frontal lobes.He writhed and moaned like an animal scratching and clawing at the bed sheets . His eyes opened on a world to bright by far to be real, eyes watering and burning he slowly brought the room into focus . Leaping from what he just realized was a bed he ran for the fresher , vomiting and gagging all the way. When he could finally catch his breath all he could say was
fuckin ouzo...never drink with women you jackass
Date Written: November 05, 2004Comments:
Average Vote: 1.5714
11/12/2004 Turgid (2): "Leonard, Part 6" was funnier than this.
11/12/2004 qualcomm (1):
11/12/2004 TheBuyer (2): with Turgid on this one, sorry.
11/12/2004 Will Disney: I mean, I like ouzo okay.
11/12/2004 Dick Vomit: This whole thing is a put on, right?
11/12/2004 Mr. Pony: If it is a put-on, it's pretty masterful. I am totally confounded by the science fiction aspect of this short.
11/12/2004 TheBuyer: You mean "laserblade"?
11/12/2004 Mr. Pony: Yeah. I mean, wow.
11/12/2004 Litcube: I'm hoping, as with yesterday, TREE will correct the last sentence's capitalization. I'll read it again when he does. It'll be like seeing a movie in Beta-mono and then again on DVD-Dolby Digital 7.1. TREE, I'm drooling in eager anticipation. I can't wait.
11/12/2004 Mr. Joshua (1): The content of the guest page today is a real blight on the integrity of the fellowship of guest authors.
11/12/2004 Dylan Danko (1): Right on, Mr. J.
11/12/2004 Dick Vomit: Triple that, Joshua.
11/12/2004 TheBuyer: TREE, you're getting killed here. My best suggestion, if you're going to keep reading/writing/rating is to step back a bit and read some of the material, go over some of the past mistakes of other guest authors, and try to take something away from the acmevillians of the past. I'm not sure if you're enjoying this antagonism or if it's genuinely making you feel bad, I feel partly responsible either way. I definately didn't expect this massive personality clash when I sent you the link.
Disney, is this what it was like for you during the whole Texxx thing?
11/12/2004 The Rid (1): I've had two of my shorts recently get slaughtered, and yikes, it hurts. But this short is ungodly.
11/12/2004 Mr. Pony: Actually, Buyer, many of us didn't know that you were responsible for TREE...UNTIL NOW.
11/12/2004 Jon Matza: "When the tree is fallen, all goe with their hatchet."
George Herbert, Jacula Prudentum
11/13/2004 TheBuyer: well, Mr. Pony, either way, I had no idea it would be so -uh- I don't know really what. Such a something, anyhow.
11/13/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs (3): Wow, you guys really thought this was only worth a star or two? I'm giving it three, because the description of the hangover was decent.
11/15/2004 TREE: sorry I was away for a few days . I want to thank everyone for the detailed remarks on this short. With everyone being so specific regarding what was wrong I should be able to improve my submissions easily.
11/15/2004 Mr. Pony: Sometimes these things are difficult to nail down, TREE.
11/15/2004 qualcomm: tree, this short seems kind of pointless. i mean, the payoff is that the guy's hung over. that's it? and that women drink hangover-inducing drinks. that's a pretty thin "premise," don't you think? even judging it on its merit as a description of a hangover, it falls pretty damn short. i mean, you describe him as being in "pain" (by the way, did you know that the brain contains no sensory nerves? so a laserblade devouring your frontal lobes actually wouldn't hurt.), that daylight seems very bright to him, that he can't focus, and that he vomits. these are all hackneyed hangover moments, and you don't handle any of them in a particularly evocative way. can you explain what you think is good here?
11/15/2004 TREE: ofcourse it is difficult to offer constructive criticism. I mean just a low rating should be more than enough to help me improve.come on if these are as bad as the ratings there must be something specific that could be mentioned..besides being an ungodly put-on?
11/15/2004 TREE: missed your reply qualcomm...at least I have something to work with now..It may be hackneyed . Also the sci-fi aspect doesn't realy fit at all. I am but a guest and have not had the experience of being on the site for thousands of words. If I can get some constructive feedback perhaps I will improve
11/15/2004 qualcomm: the inappropriate sci-fi element could have been worked to good effect, if you overdid it and focused on it, but as it was, it just seemed careless
11/15/2004 TREE: so if I had picked an element ..either the hangover or the sci-fi and went overboard ?
11/15/2004 qualcomm: no, i'm saying that if you used the unlikely jargon of sci-fi to describe something as mundane as a hangover, you might have had something better. i still don't think it would have been that great, but at least it'd have been a coherent conceit
11/15/2004 TREE: Thanks for feedback..I will try again
11/15/2004 Litcube: TREE, I should hazard an obvious suggestion that a period goes immediately after a sentence (no spaces), there are two spaces after a period before starting the next sentence, and new sentences start with a capital letter. "frontal lobes.He writhed" and "ouzo...never" were not Dolby Digital. These are anal details that some of us pricks notice. "Notice", in this context, is likened to the realization and sudden onset of discomfort one experiences when their torso is set afire with napalm. Words aren't exactly my forté, but small details lend to the polish.
11/15/2004 TREE: Litcube..I did read your original comment and was aware that you were rather concerned with my poor english skills. I would have corrected today as you originaly suggested however I don't believe it would have risen to dolby status as you suggested. Again thanks for specifics
I will try to improve