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He awoke with a strange stiffening sensation in his back and shoulders. Without examining the minor debilitation (or so he thought!) in detail, it merely seemed as if he had slept badly. Nothing more, nothing less. He heard a clamoring outside his bedroom door. In fact, his sister was approaching. She warned, "You're going to be late! You need to get up!"
Was he really that late for work? He made an attempt to turn his head to the left, where he would be able to see the time on his bedside clock, but was unable to do so.
He then heard the more distant voices of his parents, who were also calling for him to hurriedly join them downstairs. But he simply couldn't move. He was virtually paralyzed.
He was only able to create some momentum by rocking from side to side. With increased effort, he eventually found himself upon the cold, wooden floor of his bedroom. But instead of landing in a heap as he expected, he immediately began rolling (quite quickly, mind you!) towards the door. He crashed into it, the impact of which sent him back in the direction from whence he came. He eventually came to a standstill just a few feet from his bed.
What in the hell is going on here? He simply couldn't account for his sudden condition. Had he become infected with some sort of virus? Had the food or drink he consumed the night before somehow constricted his limbs? It just didn't add up. And he had already been late for work three times this week! Herr Ullrich wouldn't accommodate this latest travesty. He'd be dismissed!
But the fear of impending unemployment was quickly dwarfed by the disheartening realization that he no longer possessed arms or legs. In fact, for the very first time, he was able to tilt his 'head' upward to a degree at which the remainder of his body came somewhat into view.
His torso was clear, plastic, and cylindrical! And he noticed some sort of inscription on his chest, but he couldn't quite read it from this angle.
Eager to understand the full extent of his inexplicable transformation, he mustered up enough energy to roll himself towards a nearby full-length mirror hanging from the closet door.
To describe what he now felt upon seeing himself as shock would not do justice to his trauma. He had become a douche! The words emblazoned upon his chest read as follows: "Feminine Hygiene Product. Not for consumption." Beneath that appeared a list of ingredients and some sort of legal disclaimer, though he wasn't well versed in things of this nature and disregarded the details.
When his sister returned again to the door, he panicked. She knocked several times. "Wake up! Wake up!" When he attempted to answer, from the plastic applicator that now served as his 'head' came a stream of liquid, not words.
Date Written: November 11, 2004Comments:
Average Vote: 3
11/18/2004 The Rid: This short is real dogshit. What's with all the unecessary words? "Inexplicable," "or so he thought" after minor debilitation, "simply" in front of move, "virtually" in front of paralyzed. Leave the metamorphosis to Kafka, okay?
11/18/2004 The Rid: What's up with the douche description paragraph? You give away the joke by putting the punchline at the top of it! What the hell? It would be a lot more interesting, and dare I say, funny, if he looked at himself and saw the words without you telling us what he had become. Ugh.
11/18/2004 TheBuyer (4): good tribute/parody. douche.
11/18/2004 The Rid: You think this is a tribute/parody?
11/18/2004 Dick Vomit: "from whence" is redundant.
11/18/2004 anonymous: "No one could tell me from whence the gold had come" -- Graham Greene. (Dictionary entry)
11/18/2004 Litcube (4): I agree with Rid here somewhat. I would have fived this if you had stuck with the point, Author. This could have been shorter. That aside, I thought it was pretty clever. TheBuyer, what is this a parody of?
11/18/2004 The Rid (1): I hope you're using the Graham Greene reference as comparison, not back-up.
11/18/2004 anonymous: Just trying to point out that "from whence" may be archaic, but not grammatically incorrect. One star?
11/18/2004 The Rid: I really don't like this short. The language is overblown, the idea is really transparent and for some reason, it just really rubs me the wrong way. If it's a parody, I don't get it. If it's a tribute, it's a really bad one.
11/18/2004 anonymous: It's simply an absurd take on Metamorphosis, no more, no less.
11/18/2004 The Rid: Absurdly bad. It doesn't help that I don't like Kafka. I'm sorry if I come off like a douche (pun intended), but this short just killed me.
11/18/2004 anonymous: No sweat.
11/18/2004 TheBuyer: Rid - the idea is supposed to be transparent, it's right in the title. All that was missing is the name "Gregor" instead of "he", that includes the bit about rocking back and forth and ending up on the floor. And ya, there are some strange word choices like "hurriedly" but to one star something like this is just assholish.
11/18/2004 The Rid: So it's assholish. But like I said, this short really burnt a hole in my forehead. It's really, really easy. You know, I try to find something to praise in every short here, even the ones I don't really care for. But in this case, there is NOTHING that I like about it. If someone wants to throw in a few 5 stars to correct my one, fine. But we've all had shorts get killed.
11/18/2004 TheBuyer: And so there we stand.
11/18/2004 qualcomm: guest fight! guest fight! guest fight!
11/18/2004 TREE: HEY...being an ass is evryones right....and as I mentioned before all we can do is state our opinion if that makes us appear assholish oh well.
I would prefer you continue to fight ok?
11/18/2004 TREE: oh I didn't like this either
11/18/2004 TheBuyer: ya, just busy at work - as for stating an opinion, it should be based on something, tree, you walking typo.
11/18/2004 TREE: My ability to type is directly related to my hostility towards boorish behaviour. I did not like this because it was a parody as you so politely put it. it did not amuse me
11/18/2004 Dick Vomit: Shall I simply say, "I fucking hate from whence" and 1-star it on that alone? I shall not. But here: Usage Note: The construction from whence has been criticized as redundant since the 18th century. It is true that whence incorporates the sense of from: a remote village, whence little news reached the wider world. But from whence has been used steadily by reputable writers since the 14th century, most notably in the King James Bible: “I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help” (Psalms). Such a respectable precedent makes it difficult to label the construction as incorrect. Still, it may be observed that whence (like thence) is most often used nowadays to impart an archaic or highly formal tone to a passage, and that this effect is probably better realized if the archaic syntax of the wordwithout fromis preserved as well.
11/18/2004 TheBuyer: not amused is one thing, but do you think it is offensive enough to give the lowest possible rating allowed by acmelaw?
is it this bad?
11/18/2004 The Rid: Dick Vomit, I agree about "from whence."
11/18/2004 anonymous: Okay, so a small sampling of the diction here proves anachronistic. We all know Kafka wasn't Goethe's contemporary. But one star?
11/18/2004 TREE (3): Buyer. The 1st deserves more than it recieved but the second really is crap. What was that guy thinking? I suppose when I compare this to other shorts that sucked it should recieve a better ranking . Thanks for showing me the light.
11/18/2004 The Rid: Buyer, this is getting stupid. I vote on a short-by-short basis. The fact that you're campaigning and pressing the issue so vehemently leads me to believe you either wrote this piece of shit or fucked the author.
11/18/2004 anonymous: Nobody bought me dinner.
11/18/2004 The Rid: Author, here's what happened: I read your short, I really really really really really really really really didn't like it (does that satisfy your penchant for adverbs?). Therefore: 1 star. If I'd known you guys would flame me I'd have given it a five and kept my mouth shut. What a bunch of whiny fucks. I'll make this all easier for you so we can all shut the fuck and go to bed: I wrote the morning guest short. One-star it and move on.
11/18/2004 Ol‘ Summer Sausage: thebuyer: how dare you
11/18/2004 scoop: From whence shall I get a tighter batch of poonage, one wonders. Doop dee doo.
11/18/2004 anonymous: This is an outrage! The Rid: I honestly don't have a problem with the fact you gave it a low rating. I'm just busting chops. Just wanted to clarify a few points about the short earlier in the day. That's it.
11/18/2004 The Rid: Author, fine. Your chop-busting along with Buyer's comments put me on the defensive. Sorry if I went over the top. I can take a joke as well as the next person, but maybe you caught me on a bad day. I dunno. Sorry to be so strident in my critique.
11/18/2004 Dick Vomit: scoop: "from whence" is redundant.
11/18/2004 Dick Vomit: scoop: poonage is bad for your teeth.
11/18/2004 Dick Vomit: poonage: scoop is redundant.
11/18/2004 Dick Vomit: redundant: scoop is poonage.
11/18/2004 anonymous: D. Vomit!! Why I oughta....(crowd goes nuts)
11/18/2004 TREE: scoop is poonage? I would not have guessed that
11/18/2004 Dick Vomit: Hey, it's prolly a HOT SHORT now, AuthorBABY! Dig it!
11/18/2004 TheBuyer: tree - no problem
rid - neither.
author - hungry?
11/18/2004 anonymous: Is it just me, or is it "Hot in Herre"?
11/18/2004 The Fonch:
TheBuyer is not having sexual relations with the author of this short. In addition, the previous comment contains a pun.
ps - have you missed me? I've been away.
11/18/2004 scoop: This fight is totally lame. You guys are a bunch of hosers. Hosers. Ya.
11/18/2004 TheBuyer: scoop - busy day.
11/18/2004 TheBuyer: Rid - as far as your rating goes the author is cool with it and the way it was received so no harm no foul, so other than suggesting you save the lowest possible rating allowed for serious offences against humour, I'm over it. But what you call 'strident in your critique' I call 'kiln-fired pantywaste bullshit' and irony of ironies in deferrence to lessons learned from Matza, think it lowers the tone of discourse on the site.
11/18/2004 The Rid: Oy. Congratulations, Buyer. You got the last word.
11/18/2004 TheBuyer: I did?
11/18/2004 The Rid: Isn't this the kind of thing we're supposed to take to Acme Thunderdome? Somebody explain the rules.
11/18/2004 TheBuyer: No Rid, this is kind of thing that comes up here and there, in this case here. Discussion is good.
11/18/2004 Mr. Pony: Far as I'm concerned, ACME THUNDERDOME!! was only meant for off-topic arguments. It is a violation of Federal law to use Acme Thunderdome in a manner inconsistent with its labeling.
11/18/2004 TheBuyer: In short, I missed a 'the'.
11/18/2004 Mr. Pony: Gotta say, Rid--I agree with you on this one, too. There's so much buildup and so many "clues" that the joke just deflates on impact. I'd like to read it some more before I vote, but it seems pretty dump-tent.
11/19/2004 Dick Vomit: Dump tent?! PONY!!
11/19/2004 Turgid (5): Visionary.