home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


I am the very model of a fighting Retiarius,
My net is finely woven like the intrigues of Gelarius,
My trident's points are sharper than the tooth of the Agkistrodon,
My helm is made of finest bronze of origin Neapolitan.
I frolicked as a lad among the moors of Eastern Cambria,
'Til apprehension by the Legion XX'th Valeria,
I blame the Romans and their covetousness of Britannica,
For the fact that I fight Myrmillones sans a proper manica.

For the fact that he fights Myrmillones sans a proper manica.
For the fact that he fights Myrmillones sans a proper manica.
For the fact that he fights Myrmillones sans a proper manica.

I do have other skills besides adroitness at hostilities,
Yet "Morituri ..." holds a dearth of future possibilities,
For how many Hoplomachi operate a Stradivarius?
I am the very model of a fighting Retiarius.

For how many Hoplomachi operate a Stradivarius?
He is the very model of a fighting Retiarius.

I am a fan of orgies and I once ran into Seneca,
from Massilia to Smyrna I have traveled through Hellenica,
I cook a fine gustatio; I've dissected a calvarium
I quite enjoy cavorting in the bath-house Sphaeristerium.
I'm known to play Kithara, and I know my L from X and I,
I fondly worship Neptune and I root for the purpureae,
I've lots to say about the carnifex adulescentulus,
On Saturnalia I gave myself diarrhea crapulous!

On Saturnalia he gave himself diarrhea crapulous!
On Saturnalia he gave himself diarrhea crapulous!
On Saturnalia he gave himself diarrhea crapulous!

Ulixes stolatus I trysted with on Kalends May last year,
But through the lanista or Secutores I will die I fear.
I desperately want a rudis from the Emperor Tiberius,
I am the very model of a fighting Retiarius.

He desperately wants a rudis from the Emperor Tiberius,
He is the very model of a fighting Retiarius.

Date Written: November 15, 2004
Author: Streifenbeuteldachs
Average Vote: 4

11/23/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs (3): Good effort, but I shouldn't an advanced degree in classics to understand the shit on this site.
11/23/2004 Will Disney (4): a- for effort
11/23/2004 TheBuyer: I googled the living shit out this.
11/23/2004 anonymous: If there's something that doesn't make sense, I can explain it.
11/23/2004 qualcomm: author: i wouldn't dream of giving you the satisfaction
11/23/2004 Ewan Snow: Hi Author, I don't get all those Latin terms in your short. Please explain at great length.
11/23/2004 TREE: Yes please explain...I'm sure this would be interesting if I didn't have to stop and google every sentence.
11/23/2004 Ewan Snow: Hey, Tree, I was joking.
11/23/2004 TREE: Really? I was hoping I could back you up and thus gain your trust and friendship.
11/23/2004 The Rid: Interesting, but way too much trouble. I mean, what's the point? Other than a really goofy joke masquerading as high art?
11/23/2004 Litcube: Why do you guys keep trying at songs? Serious question. It's pissing me right the fuck off, but serious question.
11/23/2004 TREE: This is a song? Oh wow now I get it. oh wait..no still not good maybe someone could sing it for me?
11/23/2004 TheBuyer: tree - dig deep into your love of showtunes for 'Modern Major General' from Pirates of Penzance. It's not just a song, it's a parody and for what it is - ahem - isn't a bad parody. The problem with that is, besides the George Bush and John Kerry parody of 'This Land is Your Land', I can't think of a useful parody.
11/23/2004 Litcube: This tune will always remind me of Gerry bouncing on stage in his red uniform.
11/23/2004 TREE: Buyer..wait I think I got it ok rythme yes I see ummmm...again maybe you could sing it for the class? Maybe it's my voice that throws it off.
11/23/2004 Mr. Pony: Yeah, your accent, it's driving me nuts.
11/23/2004 TREE: sorry pony I will talk softly to myself from now on.
11/23/2004 Mr. Pony: No, I mean I can't place it. No one else hears this, I guess! Carry on.
11/23/2004 TREE: Accent is simple hillbilly. Just BC hillbilly so rarely heard in the big city.
11/23/2004 TREE: maybe that's what is ruining this song for me. I mean if you can hear it then it's a pretty heavy accent.
11/23/2004 TheBuyer: tree - i've heard your backwater hick-talk, you're typing more like an esl tai-chi instructor or yoda before the stroke/pre-grammar quirk.
11/23/2004 TREE: yoda before the stroke...thats funny.
11/24/2004 TheBuyer (5): fuck dude, could you please not post anything like this ever again? All of the college words in it sound good and google says they all work, more or less, but anything I have to actually sing [and I did] to enjoy [and I did!] is too much goddamn work.
11/24/2004 Phony Millions (5): 5 for scholarship, however willfully visible it may be - always love the smart-ass knowledge droppings if they´re done with flair, and this is. Had me laughing even though I didn`t know most of the references.
11/24/2004 Will Disney: BRAD EVANS!
12/11/2004 Litcube (5): I apologize for my comments earlier, Striefen. I just came back from this play. It's not that I was ufamiliar with the Major General's gig; it’s just that my fresh exposure has enlightened me to the effort you put in here.
12/24/2004 Shane Mahoney (1): I fail to see how this piece addresses the pressing issue of how we are moving forward in our application of the North American ideal of preservation and the stewardship of our vital natural rezources.