home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


Would you please get the fuck off my back? Who do you think you are? I don't need your constant nagging. Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag. You're just like my mother. She used to hover over me in the kitchen when I was hungry and trying to fix myself a snack. She would stand behind me and tell me what was in the fridge as I was looking in the fridge at exactly what she was telling me was there. Can you imagine something more absurd? I said, Mom! I see the bread, I see the cheese, I know it's there, I see the cabbage and carrots, I see the leftover potato salad, yes mom, I know. I tried to reason with her and explain that I was capable of getting my own snack, making my own sandwich, that I was growing up into a man. I told her I would love for her to sit and keep me company. But she didn't get it, kept trying to make me a sandwich, couldn't get away from her nurturing, mothering, hurtful, emasculating tendencies; 'Ooohhh, I must feed and nurture my offspring because I'm a woman and I nurture, I'll feed you, it's in my nature, I'm a natural woman, I nurture, I suckle my young.' Well, mom's not an issue anymore so I shouldn't get so worked up, but I'll ask you once more, are you trying to make me a sandwich?

Date Written: November 22, 2004
Author: Alfred P. Whitaker
Average Vote: 4.22222

11/30/2004 The Rid (5): Yes. Yes.
11/30/2004 Mr. Pony (4): My mom does that too! I think this might be an incomplete thought, though. 3.5
11/30/2004 The Rid: It may be an incomplete thought, but it's an entirely honest incomplete thought. Which is why I say, "5 stars!"
11/30/2004 TheBuyer: HOLY MOLY i love sandwiches.
11/30/2004 TheBuyer (4): Tampex Nig
11/30/2004 John Slocum (4): Pony: do we have the same mother? Always enjoy a good rant. Particularly enjoy this sentence for it's circularity: 'She would stand behind me and tell me what was in the fridge as I was looking in the fridge at exactly what she was telling me was there'
11/30/2004 Dylan Danko (4): Pony's right. This is incomplete but this is also my mom.
11/30/2004 John Slocum: Maybe it's everyone's mom!
11/30/2004 Mr. Pony: This one time my mom did just this...and I had just spent the entire night TRIPPING ON ACID!! True story.
11/30/2004 The Rid: Yeah, do we all have the same mom? What the fuck?
11/30/2004 TheBuyer: You know, I am a mother fucker.
11/30/2004 TREE: Shut up and make me a sandwich
11/30/2004 John Slocum: my goodness, our mothers have alot to answer for.
11/30/2004 Dylan Danko: Your mother certainly does, Slocum.
11/30/2004 TheBuyer: shoots, scores.
11/30/2004 John Slocum: Fuck you, Danko, your mother has alot to answer for.
11/30/2004 Dylan Danko: Oh, you don't buy her argument about inflation??
11/30/2004 John Slocum: No, nor her argument about "The Passion of Christ." However, I'm talking about her scraping her teeth on my shaft during oral. She'll answer for that, you can be sure.
11/30/2004 Litcube (4): My mom.
11/30/2004 Litcube: This reminds me of something that happened this weekend. Spot came up from the U.S.; we all went to a Giants game. Spot got drunk. On the way out, my mom called, and he snatched the phone from me. He told her that she had the body of a 20 year old. True story. Now, because I laughed when it happened, does that absolve him from his deserved massive skull fucking?
11/30/2004 TheBuyer: he makes a lot of money and would probably make an excellent, if not short, stepfather, you should give them some space.
11/30/2004 Litcube: Spot's 6'0, duder. And answer the question: Can I rip his entire spine out of the back of his neck while he's still standing? Is he safe because I laughed?
11/30/2004 TheBuyer: why don't you just phone his mom and tell on him? seriously, she'd probably do more damage than you would. maybe she'll make him drive over there and say how sorry he is.
11/30/2004 Litcube: That's a good idea!
12/1/2004 TheBuyer: YES ALFRED P!!! I have four baby carrots in my ass now, one for each star.
12/1/2004 TREE: Are they really baby carrots? you don't have to be shy here.
12/1/2004 Dylan Danko: Hey, you guys have a friend named Spot? So does Snow!
12/1/2004 qualcomm: maybe this "spot" they're referring to is brookline spot, danko. after all, litcube's canadian, and all you brookline guys went to mcgill, right? mcgill?
12/2/2004 John Slocum: Yah, spot's 6'0 Qualc. MACALESTER.
12/2/2004 qualcomm: his biceps are those of a 6'0 man.
12/2/2004 Jon Matza (4): Seatbelt law; erosion of civil liberties.
12/2/2004 Litcube: Well, our Spot does live in the United States of America right now. He's 6'0. And I can totally fucking take him, Buyer.
12/2/2004 Dylan Danko: Is he the leader of your monolith, Litcube?
12/2/2004 scoop (4): This is pretty good. However, I, unlike you callous motehr slapping Cary Grant-like Benedict Arnolds, love mother and would never malign her because she is perfect and wonderful and loving and beautiful, so, so beautiful.
12/4/2004 Alfred P. Whitaker: Scoop, I also think my mother is perfect and wonderful and loving and beautiful. I mean she *was* perfect and *was* so beautiful, lying there on the floor. I mean, not lying on the floor, I mean in life she was so beautiful. Like I said, she's no longer an issue. Not that I had anything to do with it, as far as you know. You don't know, okay?
12/4/2004 Litcube: The leader of my monolith?
12/4/2004 Dylan Danko: Have TheBuyer fill you in on the monolith controversy. It's fascinating.
12/4/2004 Mr. Pony: Here's some.
12/4/2004 Mr. Pony: Here's more!
07/21/2005 Mr. Joshua (5): Whitaker, you've done it again. That there has not been a spontaneous groundswell of support for your immediate and irrevocable promotion to full Author status reflects much more poorly on Acme than it does on you.