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“The short is hereby pronounced dead, as a form. Consider this its epitaph. I know there are a lot of you out there who will disagree, post ‘long live the short’ and so forth, but you’ll be posting to a funeral, your post a eulogy, your pants special ceremonial death-pants, the kind one would wear to a funeral. In fact anything you could possibly do or say is just the version of itself that goes along with a funeral. So, for instance, if you happened to build a fire, say in the fireplace or if you were camping, it would be a pyre. All nails are doornails. All rights, rites. And all poop is remains, don’t forget, from now on. And only the death of the short itself is itself. And no, that doesn’t mean it lives on in our hearts. It doesn’t. It’s dead. Blackness. Nothingness. Okay? What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Date Written: November 22, 2004Comments:
Author: Ewan Snow
Average Vote: 4
11/30/2004 Will Disney: Long live the Short!
11/30/2004 TheBuyer: Aww fuck.
11/30/2004 The Rid: Awesome. I was going to write a short about shorts, but now I can't.
11/30/2004 Chance the Gardener (3): God, you are such a LAMER! LOL!
11/30/2004 The Rid (4): Four stars for the fake anti-short stance.
11/30/2004 Mr. Pony: Author, what exactly do you mean by "short"?
11/30/2004 anonymous: as in short-short, as in acme shorts as in, you know, the stuff on this site. duh!
11/30/2004 qualcomm: why are there quotes around this? are they ironic? are they "dirty quotes?"
11/30/2004 Dylan Danko: Pony stop talking to yourself.
11/30/2004 Mr. Pony: Danko, you should know that I always try to use correct sentence capitalization. Therefore, the author cannot be me. See how the author wrote in all lower-case there? That's not something I do. Hence, I am not the author of this. Right, author?
11/30/2004 anonymous: wrong, pony. you are the author. you're writing with lower case letters to trick people!
11/30/2004 Mr. Pony: Please, author, you are distracting the readers. Come on, everyone, let's cast some votes!
11/30/2004 qualcomm (4): i like this quite a bit, but can't quite give it a five due to its essential insideness.
11/30/2004 anonymous: Your pants are special ceremonial death-pants.
11/30/2004 qualcomm: my pants are just as God made them, sir.
11/30/2004 The Rid: Ho ho! I smell controversy!
11/30/2004 Mr. Pony: That might just be the dead rotting form.
11/30/2004 anonymous: your post is but a eulogy, pony.
11/30/2004 TheBuyer: my Hindu shorts will be back, sir, every last one of them. put that in your nihilist pipe and smoke it.
11/30/2004 John Slocum (3): It's a sad day when the short-short dies.
11/30/2004 anonymous: No it's not.
11/30/2004 Jon Matza (5): More complex than first meets the eye. I like how the speaker's attitude is "this is so because I called it." Look again, voters...and let your conscience be your guide.
11/30/2004 qualcomm: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!
11/30/2004 Jon Matza: That's more like it!
11/30/2004 The Rid: Seriously. This is controversial. Hee hee!
11/30/2004 scoop: This short stirred several male emotions in me. But cerebrally, that is in my brain, I have a separate set of questions. If everything that happens after this obit has to do with the funeral then what of an unemployed funeral director? Or horny Puerto Ricans teens with a healthy disregard for "protection"? Or, furthermore, what of an unemployed funeral director with a TEC-9 pointed at the heads of Puerto Rican teens forcing them to engage in intercourse so that they will reproduce? I don't feel (male emotion) nor do I think this short adequately deals with those narrowly defined questions. As for the end of the short I feel my male emotions on that particular subject are expressed in these moving words of Live's Ed Kowalcyk:
lightning crashes, a new mother cries
her placenta falls to the floor
the angel opens her eyes
the confusion sets in
before the doctor can even close the door
lightning crashes, an old mother dies
her intentions fall to the floor
the angel closes her eyes
the confusion that was hers
belongs now, to the baby down the hall
oh now feel it comin' back again
like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin' from the center of the earth again
I can feel it.
lightning crashes, a new mother cries
this moment she's been waiting for
the angel opens her eyes
pale blue colored eyes,
presents the circle
and puts the glory out to hide, hide
ps -- the dead short is the old mother crying and the new vibrant short is the new mother crying.
11/30/2004 anonymous: Scoop, each of those things is the version of itself (whatever that may be) that applies or refers to the death of the short. In all creation this is true, for all objects at all times from now on. So don't ask me what's the new version of a dog, a cat, etc. I'm trying to explain a general pattern which I'd hoped I wouldn't have to spell out even more plainly. It’s all the version of itself that has to do with the death of the short, motherfucker.
11/30/2004 scoop: Feel it comin' back again, Author, you fucking cocksucker, like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind.
11/30/2004 Jon Matza: I hope this doesn't come across as too brutally honest...but I don't see how this latest exchange amounts to you two fellows letting your conscience be your guide.
11/30/2004 Litcube: I didn't know this short very well, but somehow, now that I know about this short, I feel an odd connection with this short. I wish I knew this short in life, and that I would have spent more time with it. I should have told it in the living years, and I thought I’d share this piece written by a group of mechanics and their boss, Mike, to convey how I really feel: Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
I'm afraid that's all we've got
You say you just don't see it
He says it's perfect sense
You just can't get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defense
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
11/30/2004 qualcomm: what subjects will you tackle next in the short format, author?
12/1/2004 scoop: Ooh, ooh, what about candy?!
12/1/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (5):