home authors guest shorts graphical shorts
Will Disney looked at the authors' left hand menu and did a double take at the puny integer next to "pending shorts". After the countless hours he'd spent implementing new features & migrating Acme to the ultra-robust MySql server not one author could be bothered to phone in a 2-line shitter, even? At this rate acme'd never turn into the cash cow he'd dreamt of. All it's turned into so far, reflected Disney bitterly, is a cock cow.
Heartbroken, the one-time Rational Software "whiz kid" sobbed for several minutes. At last, fearful of letting dismay overwhelm him, he sought to ease his mind with positive thoughts. With a heroic effort he summoned up a celestial triptych of cherished memories: eating cucumber and butter sandwiches with his Uncle Shelby; reading "Encyclopedia Brown Saves the Day" for the first time; and exchanging bi-curious confessions with Sterling Beldner, his RA, at Swarthmore College in 1990.
It was no use, though. Unwelcome, pending queue-related apprehensions continued to assail Disney!
Is the short famine simply collective writers' block? (thought Disney)... Or have the abrasive, territorial authors created such a toxic atmosphere with their snobbery, elitism and bad vibes they themselves can't maintain the very standards of excellence they purportedly uphold? He adjusted his neckerchief. Or maybe everyone's just too busy this week...? He stroked his chin implant distractedly. What if it's the voting system? Maybe we need more objective standards so people don't feel ripped off & become discouraged... He ate a bit of cheese. Or are the bitter, misanthropic naysayers--led by Mr. Pony--right about the genre itself being dead? He absently ran his fingers through his ponytail. He didn't dare articulate to himself the most dreadful thought of all, however--that the authors finally were getting wise about pouring so much effort into such an utterly futile and stupid fucking endeavor.
"Hmmm," said Disney, "Mmmmm." He dashed beads of perspiration from his brow and tugged on the groin of his unitard, which was chafing his in-between area. Disney realized he was thirsty and took a mega-gulp from his juice pouch. The fruity elixir shot through the straw and cascaded down his gullet, tickling his pre-cancerous esophageal nodules and filling him with hope. Come to think of it things could be a lot bleaker, he thought--or should I say BLEECKER...seeing's how I used to live in New York!
Disney chuckled aloud at his quip, and a terrifically self-satisfied smirk stole over his features. He felt ready to tackle whatever new challenges fate might unfurl across his path...and his newfound confidence made his enormous chest and quadracep muscles quiver in the soft, supple moonlight.
Date Written: November 29, 2004Comments:
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 4.7
12/2/2004 Will Disney: This one really makes you think.
12/2/2004 Ewan Snow (5): You got the neckerchief, chin implant and unitard dead on. 4.5 rounded up because I'm a great guy.
12/2/2004 qualcomm (4): evans is back!
12/2/2004 Dylan Danko: Um...inside short?
12/2/2004 Dylan Danko: There it is!
12/2/2004 Dylan Danko (4): I was going to five this till I read about Disney's enourmous chest and quadracep muscles.
12/2/2004 Ewan Snow: QC, you think this is Evans? I thought so at one point in the short, but there were other factors which led me to think not. What are your reasons?
12/2/2004 qualcomm: 1) the term "whiz-kid" is an evans perennial; and 2)the narrator's oscillating, neurotic self-examination
12/2/2004 qualcomm: and "tugged on the groin of his unitard, which was chafing his in-between area". groin. a tickling sensation, perhaps, accompanying a moment of near-catharsis?
12/2/2004 Dick Vomit: It's BLEECKER. But I'm sure that's part of the joke.
12/2/2004 qualcomm: there are several matzaish things in here, too, including the unitard. still, i'm betting evans.
12/2/2004 The Rid: Funny stuff.
12/2/2004 Litcube (4): This was very funny, and at the same time, I was overcome with a sense of unease/dread.
12/2/2004 John Slocum (5): Matza. The words 'puny' and 'gullet' seal this for me as Matzoid.
12/2/2004 TheBuyer: "exchanging bi-curious confessions with Sterling Beldner"
12/2/2004 Mr. Pony (5): I am sold!
12/2/2004 Mr. Pony: However, I reject the notion that I would ever lead misanthropic naysayers.
12/2/2004 anonymous: What DON'T you reject, Pony? That's my question.
12/2/2004 qualcomm: fuck, it is matza. fu, slocum. fu, snow.
12/2/2004 The Rid (5):
12/2/2004 anonymous: This short is totally true. Disney's a real ass eater. I mean he's a real turd taster.
12/2/2004 Dylan Danko: QC told me a great way to get rid of chaffing in ones in-between area.
12/2/2004 Will Disney: What is it?
12/2/2004 Dylan Danko: vegetable oil
12/2/2004 TheBuyer: still with the christopher reeve jokes? honestly.
12/2/2004 Ewan Snow: huh?
12/2/2004 TheBuyer: veg oil, greased quadrapalegic, f it.
12/2/2004 Dylan Danko: No, no, it's true! It totally works. He applied it to my sac with his tongue which, according to him, reduces healing time. Only his tongue.
12/2/2004 anonymous: Disney-I can't seem to get in to fix a few minor typos & the error kindly noted by Vomit. Is this your revenge?
12/2/2004 TheBuyer (5): more wood for the pile
12/2/2004 Will Disney: What happens? You get the 'oh crap' error message?
12/2/2004 Mr. Pony: This gets funnier every time I read it. This short is whatever the opposite of dump-tent is.
12/2/2004 CrazyGuy: Mr. Pony, what does "dump-tent" mean?
12/2/2004 anonymous: Aye, Disney.
12/2/2004 scoop (5): Hump-Tent.
12/2/2004 Mr. Pony: Hi, CrazyGuy!
12/3/2004 CrazyGuy: Hello, Mr. Pony.
12/4/2004 John Slocum: Great work, Matza!
06/9/2005 Mr. Pony: This one is to be savored. Savoured; even.
06/9/2005 Klause Muppet (5):