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I peeled off my sock and examined the large open sore on my instep. The area all around it was red and puffy. The sore itself had been draining well, so I was kind of proud of it in a sense, but I was still a little concerned. I grabbed a paperclip from the table and unbent it. But the most gentle, tenuous probing of my wound was excruciating, so I decided to jab it hard in the hopes of killing whatever was living in there with one quick thrust. I remembered something about the walls, or was it the drapes? Or the ceiling. I was distracted with these thoughts as I jabbed the paperclip in the wound with all my strength. A blast of cosmic pain ripped through my body and threw me on the floor. I don’t remember what happened next but I noticed that the walls were closing in a bit and there was a dark glow coming from over by the drapes. I crawled toward it and propped myself up against the wall. The wall was pressing against my back harder than I expected and I kept glancing back over my shoulder to make sure I was keeping it in place. When I collected myself enough to remember my wound I noticed that my foot was covered in blood. I tugged at the paperclip, but it was still extremely painful and seemed to be resisting my efforts. I screwed up my courage, and, making sure to keep the wall in place, yanked it out. Again, an excruciating flash of pain and a solid push against my back by the wall that doubled me over onto the floor. My eyes were bleary with tears so I couldn’t quite see, but there was something wiggling on the carpet before me. I wiped my eyes and then wiped them again, unable to believe what I saw. There was small creature impaled on the paperclip. He seemed to be a likeable enough fellow, naked as can be and all of two inches tall, covered in green slime and blood. But as I learned, strangely enough, he was far from likeable. In fact he was rather rude.
“You shouldn’t have done that!” he slurred, pulling the paperclip clear out of his gut. He scampered across the carpet toward my foot. I tried to pull it away, but he was too fast. He started clawing at my wound and crawled back in. I was blinded by the pain. “What do you want?” I screamed.
“I’m going back in to die,” he said as he wriggled head first into my open wound. “First I’ll feast on the bones in your feet and lay my eggs.” It was as if he were bragging. I couldn’t blame him, considering I’d mortally wounded him.
The dark glow from the drapes grew stronger and the wall puffed out, slowly pushing me into the center of the room.
“What is going on with the walls?” I screamed. “What is that dark glow from the drapes?”
The little creature popped out of my wound just long enough to answer. “That’s something totally unrelated,” he said. “I don’t know anything about the walls or the drapes. I just live in feet.” A sad smirk spread over his face and I got the idea that he was laying his eggs. He settled back into my foot and disappeared from view. For another minute I could feel him moving in there, but then it stopped.
Date Written: December 02, 2004Comments:
Author: Ewan Snow
Average Vote: 4.4667
12/8/2004 qualcomm (4): Visceral reaction (laughs/pathos) (20%) -- 3
Literary merit and economy/competency of execution 15% -- 4
Originality of premise, situation and/or language 20% -- 5
Tone (15%) -- 3.5
Cleverness (15%) -- 4
Lack of irritating moments, incompetencies, unfunny lines, filler, etc (15%)-- 5
12/8/2004 anonymous: Thanks for the thoughtful consideration and transparency of your process. Not to be a grade grubber or nothing, but why 3.5 for tone? I thought the deadpan tone was an asset. I repeat an asset, NOT a liability. Please explain so I can work harder and more effectively next time.
12/8/2004 qualcomm: i was lumping in mood with tone for that 3.5. henceforth, i shall call it mood/tone.
12/8/2004 Dick Vomit (5): AUTHOR SHORT! AUTHOR SHORT! I haven't even read it yet and I'm five-starring and jizzing in my athletic trousers! GUH!!! HUHHHNNNHNN!!!! FUCKIN' SQUITSQUITSQUITSQUITSQUIIT!!!! OH GOD! OH CHRIST! OH SAUSAGE AN AUTHOR SHORT!!! JIZZ!!! JIZZZZZZZ!!!! MOTHERFUCKINGJIZZOFHTE HEAVENSANDTHEEARTHANDHELLALLATONCE ANDEVERYWHERE!!!!! SQUUUUIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTT!!!!! SPOOOOOOOOOGEGEEEEE!!!!! HUHHNNN!N!N!N!N!N!NNN!N!N!!!
12/8/2004 Dick Vomit: Actually, in truth, I want to vote 4-stars, but it's too late. I acted out. I'm behaving like a child.
12/8/2004 cuntry (5): Ewwww. Parasites are scary.
12/8/2004 qualcomm: no, you're right, DV, there's not much difference between this and what's on the guest page now.
12/8/2004 qualcomm: cuntry, you fag.
12/8/2004 anonymous: Disney, please put some line breaks in DV's comment. It's screwing up the page layout. Thank you.
12/8/2004 Dick Vomit: Sorry. I'd edit that comment if I could. I'm acting out.
12/8/2004 Will Disney (5): 4.5 stars for creativity
12/8/2004 qualcomm: creativity. you sound like a fucking elementary school teacher. what a dick.
12/8/2004 scoop: Hey Disney, how many stars are you giving out for being inspirational?
12/8/2004 Will Disney: i threw in a couple for good handwriting as well, fuckers.
12/8/2004 qualcomm: what a jerk. go back to maintaining the infrastructure or whatever it is you do, you grimy little engineer.
12/8/2004 Will Disney: you go back! you !
12/8/2004 John Slocum (4): Well written, a good read, not so funny, interesting touch with the walls, drapes.
12/8/2004 TREE (4): Oh my god! What's happening to the walls?
12/8/2004 The Rid: Reminds me of that little dude who lives underneath your toenails in all those prescription pill ads.
12/8/2004 Ewan Snow (5): I didn't think the little guy turned out to be all that rude. I mean, at least he was polite enough to explain that he feasts on foot bones and then lays his eggs. He could have just given the narrator the silent treatment.
12/8/2004 Litcube (4): I pictured the Money Tree worm. I wish I could rate Dick's comment.
12/8/2004 Mr. Pony (4): I see that Slocum has already posted the exact comment I would have made! Fantastic!
12/8/2004 The Rid (4): The foot thing: Average. The drapes thing: Far better than average.
12/8/2004 Litcube: Dark glow....
12/8/2004 TheBuyer: this reminds me of evil dead 2
12/8/2004 Dick Vomit: Still spraying cum all over the place cuz of this.
12/8/2004 TheBuyer (5): the sound effects on this thing are fucking unreal.
12/8/2004 Jon Matza (5): This was big bugle the 2nd time around. Was it an actual dream you had, author? (Slocum? Or Maniacs perhaps?)
12/9/2004 qualcomm: that was a surprise
12/9/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs (5): Four stars, plus one for creativity.
12/9/2004 Phony Millions (5): Yes creative indeed. That little parasite has humanity, damnit.
12/9/2004 Mr. Pony: Who, I ask you, is the real parasite here?
12/9/2004 Ewan Snow: QC, what was a surprise? That I wrote it? That Matza gave it 5? Or were you being ironical, because it was obvi. that I wrote it?
12/9/2004 qualcomm: yeah, i never would have guessed it was you.
12/9/2004 Ewan Snow: How come, specifically? Also, what didn't you like about the mood/tone?
12/9/2004 qualcomm: there's nothing i really hated about the moodtone, but i just thought it was kind of average. one thing i really didn't like were the descriptions of pain: "cosmic blast of pain"; "excruciating flash of pain"; "blinded by the pain". not only do all of your damn pain descriptions have the word pain in them, the non-pain words are pretty vague. (i just saw that you described it at one point with just "my eyes were bleary with tears, which is obviously much better). quite literally, i wasn't not feeling it. this may seem like a small complaint, but the whole first graf, which is quite long, sort of depends on that. (you'll note i gave visceral impact a 3). there were only two moments that made me smile: "you shouldn't have done that" and the "sad smirk" mr. parasite gets when laying his eggs, which seemed kind of like a comical shit-taking expression. also, i don't think it's very nice of you to compare jimson to a parasite living in your foot.
12/9/2004 qualcomm: as for why i was surprised it was you, there's just nothing in here that's very snow-like, especially given your last few offerings, which have been very classic in style.
12/9/2004 Jon Matza: Brother, that's uncharitable, given that you are the 3rd highest-ranked author on my personal list! Plus, I give out fives like Pfineouses munching on tender vittles. It's QC you should be taking to task, for some reason.
12/9/2004 Ewan Snow: Matza, not sure what you mean. I was asking QC, though not taking him to task per se, what he meant by "that was a surprise". Perhaps we're having what is known as a "breakdown in communication". I wasn't sure what QC's comment meant, but noticed it came right after your 5 star vote. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.
12/9/2004 Mr. Pony: I hate it when you guys fight.
12/9/2004 Jon Matza: Oh, now I see--sorry for paranoid interpretation. But you can hardly blame me what with all the anti-Matza conspiracies around here lately, which an ever vigilant watch must be kept over.
12/9/2004 Jon Matza: ...PONY!!!!
12/9/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (5): Brill.
12/9/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: I guess I should thank you for your chivalry, Quatcomm.
12/11/2004 hagit mizrachy (3): I wish it was as good as everyone thinks, but it's not. Not only that, I refuse to give my reasons, both because I am set to begin menstruating momentarily and because I have a certain mystique to maintain. Still, I am happy to say I urinated on my first mini-pad of the cycle when the author revealed a lack of affiliation between the foot monster and the wall phenomenon.
12/12/2004 Ewan Snow: FU, Dylan.