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I'm not sure this is appropriate--of course neither is your grandfather's rectal fistula--
but I might as well get it off my chest before the mastectomy. Oh yes, there certainly is some borsht in this disinterested observer's belt. Incidentally, I got so engorged on "the red nectar" at Brooklyn Blintzfest '02 that I was forced to throw a few nautical knots (proud Merchant Marine 1974-78) in an old bungy that I hurriedly persuaded from some passing chinawoman on a tricycle. "You pay fo, you pay fo!" she sing-songed. "No understandee" I replied, thrusting her out of my way.

Despite the skillful cinching and years of bowel-strengthening yoga exercises I felt the shitstorm brewing in my bilge. I musta had shit on my mind because the rumbling reminded me of the time I took Uncle Schmueli's keepsake kidney stones and surreptitiously blended them into my loser-health-freak brother Adolph's powershake. "Oh yeah Adolph, I just added some dolomite powder, that's all." I'll tell ya, nature boy sure had some watery dung after that one.

But back to my ass. At this point this Jonah was just looking for a place to blow his whalehole when, all at once, I spied a crackwhore by a dumpster. I tried several interesting propositions on the dilapidated gash, but her universal reply was, "I'll suck it for ten."

I wearily pulled out my frontman and readied for a standard bout of immissio in os. Shortly after the act commenced itself, I noted the distinct stink of stale vomit, which at first approached as a sultry, melancholy waft then abruptly reverse-transfigured into the goddamned barfwine of Christ! Pavlov's research was right. The stench caused me to pull a 180 degree diarrhea Diaspora on the skunk trollop's face. "Mother fucker", she noted, "You shittin' blood on my head!!!" "Beet juice" I corrected her. "I seen that movie" a voice from the fire escape escaped.

Date Written: December 07, 2004
Author: hagit mizrachy
Average Vote: 4.1

12/17/2004 TheBuyer: barfwine of Christ
12/17/2004 qualcomm: how did putting knots in a bungy relieve the effects of eating too much borscht? author is hagit, i daresay.
12/17/2004 Dick Vomit (3): One star each for a) but back to my ass b) barfwine of Christ c) I seen that movie. Two stars dropped acuz thing's muddy.
12/17/2004 Jon Matza (4): There's some sense to this demented tale...worth a close read. Enjoyed the chinawoman bit & "but her universal reply was, 'I'll suck it for ten.'"
12/17/2004 The Rid: Gross for the sake of being gross but still kinda funny. Yeah, "Barfwine of Christ."
12/17/2004 Dylan Danko (5): I'm gonna five this. I expect comments from QC.
12/17/2004 The Rid (4): Beet juice.
12/17/2004 TheBuyer (5): this is dense with goodies. and I like the sillies in it against my better judgement, "nautical knots" "escape escaped" etc.
12/17/2004 qualcomm: brookline, closing ranks.
12/17/2004 anonymous: Sorry about the late response, but I was talking-down to management all morning. Vomit, I understand your denial. But this piece is a tribute to you. Lao Tsu said mud was only unclear to the dirty. Qualcomm. The bungy simply corsetted the bowels, providing time for our hero to make his next move. The Buyer. Scary as it sounds, I didn't mean the nautical knots as a joke. I owe you a star sometime. The Rid. This is not gross, this is the theatre of the gross.
12/17/2004 hagit mizrachy: And Qualcomm, why out me when you basically coached me through this piece?
12/17/2004 qualcomm: i had nothing to do with this incoherent drivel.

the laerpa

12/17/2004 Ewan Snow: I wrote this before the posts below, so please excuse any question which have been answered:

I’m going to assume, as QC said, that this is Hagit, even though I think this is considerably worse than his usual writing, so I’m not sure. The Brookline votes suggest it is, but it seems sloppier than our keys-about-neck comrade would be likely to produce. But what do I know? I won’t assume that this short is stupid; I’ll allow for the possibility that I just don’t get it. So here are my questions.

Is the first sentence funny in some way? Is “of course neither is your grandfather's rectal fistula” supposed to be funny? If so, how? If not, what is it supposed to mean? What does it have to do with appropriateness? Or is the fact that it has nothing to do with it, and is such a clever non sequitur what makes it so funny? Is “nautical knots” something other than an embarrassing pun? Does the “bungy” in which these are tied have any point in the story, perhaps one I missed as my eyes glazed over while reading this short? Does he cinch his asshole off with it, somehow? I wasn’t clear on what was happening. Was it supposed to be funny, when the second paragraph begins, to find out that he has used the “bungy” to cinch his ass if that was what was happening? Did you spell it “bungy” instead of “bungee” for a reason? Are both correct? Was “escape escaped” funny and not the sort of weak, desperate word gag it seems to be to my untrained eyes? Maybe if I knew what movie was being referenced I’d realize how funny it is. Is a movie being referenced? How about “diarrhea Diaspora”? Why don’t I understand how witty that is, and instead see it (again, probably because I don’t get it) as a third-rate pun. Would it have been equally funny if the character had pooped in a shoe box, so that it could be described as a “diarrhea diorama”? And did you capitalize Diaspora because the diarrhea was specifically Jewish? Does the first paragraph have any point? What mastectomy? Is the speaker speaking to somebody? Who?

While this post sounds sarcastic (and is), I’m seriously asking (most of) these questions. And I will allow that mixed in with this diarrhea Diaspora there were a few choice corn chunks, such as “blow his whalehole” and “frontman”. But please somebody explain to me why this short isn’t “bad”, like it appears to be for this dim reader.
12/17/2004 Dylan Danko: Ewan, you are mistaken if you think Hagit is Lewis.
12/17/2004 Ewan Snow: Really? Seems just like him.
12/17/2004 qualcomm: dude, it's 'tin
12/17/2004 Dylan Danko: Come on. It doesn't seem like him at all.
12/17/2004 Ewan Snow (3): Ah, my apologies, Hagit. Going to have to give you a three, though. This one's a mess.
12/17/2004 TheBuyer: Mr. Snow - I says five stars for the following reasons.
First and foremost I was extremely stoned when I read this late last night and laughed out loud, admittedly in confusion, but still laughed out loud and felt good about it just the same.
Mostly though, it's pleasantly fucked up and I thought had enough small phrases/ideas that were interesting enough to reward accordingly.
What do you mean "even though I think this is considerably worse than his usual writing", what other writing?
12/17/2004 qualcomm: but those brookline votes sure duck in a row...
12/17/2004 Dylan Danko: Snow was under the faulty assumption this short was written by his nemesis, Craig Lewis.
12/17/2004 TheBuyer: holy shit, guess that took me longer to write than I thought, pardon me, asked and answered.
12/17/2004 Ewan Snow: Danko, yeah it does. It seems exactly like him. As I said in the comment below, this short seemed sloppier than his writing, but his comments were dead on Lewis. In fact, I had no doubt at all. For my confusion, however, I apologize to Hagit, and would advise that he be careful from now on not to act like a tool, so other people don’t make the same mistake. (No offence.)
12/17/2004 qualcomm: i didn't think hagit sounded like lewis, i just figured he was lewis at first because of all those jew jokes.
12/17/2004 Dylan Danko: Quote right, QC. Those initial jew jokes did sound like Lewis but of Hagit's other comments nor this short do. I've told you once, Snow, I won't tell you again, after the next few times.
12/17/2004 qualcomm: as for the short, there are a few gems, but also a bunch of what i and i alone call "lustre-scrapers." first, like snow said, the whole grandfather's fistula thing was lame. felt like gross for gross's sake, very prurient (which would be fine if it were also clever). the lack of coherence made this a bit of a chore to read. all of the asides and tangents just felt like a useless accretion of mostly unfunny, trying-to-be-gross details. it all feels like it's striving to be something certain assholes on the site might call "very creative."
12/17/2004 Dylan Danko: um..yes that's "quote."
12/17/2004 Ewan Snow: Their comments share an obnoxious hyperactive/spastic quality. I thought Lewis was reinventing himself, saying, "Hey, look, now I'm a different asshole." Again, sorry Hagit, I know you’re not an asshole in real life. In fact, you're nice!
12/17/2004 qualcomm: nevertheless, and i say this with as little condescension as possible, i think author shows promise. Byer's rating: 98
12/17/2004 qualcomm: but hagit's comments don't have a lisp, as lewis' do... do they snow?
12/17/2004 Ewan Snow: Dylan, you've told me what once?
12/17/2004 Ewan Snow: Good point, QC.
12/17/2004 Ewan Snow: Yes, Hagit, does have promise (also without intended condescension), but this short has way too many liabilities. As I recall, Hagit, Matza and I did a brief short-short round old-school style in the computer lab around '96. Hagit wrote a weird and funny short about a bunny I think.
12/17/2004 Dylan Danko: Sorry Snow, we're having problems synching our concordance and doculex databases. The sheer intentional incoherence of Hagit's comments and this short itself is pretty unlewisian. Also, there's a filthyness and an informality of tone that strike me as antithetical to the lewisian style. In short, and I think this is often what you dislike, there is an attention to style in all that is lewis including his prose that he don't see with gentle Hagit.
12/17/2004 Jon Matza: QC/Snow, I'm begging you: let go of your silly principles and come on over to the Brookline team. It's so easy...and guuud...MAN IS IT GUUUD!!!
12/17/2004 qualcomm: you're trying to undermine my cherry argument by casting it as more sinister/orchestrated than i implied. all's i'm saying is, you knew your friend wrote this, and it's his first time writing on the site, so you gave him a bit of a pass. you're a nice man. intellectually dishonest, but nice.
12/17/2004 hagit mizrachy: Ewan, I know you were yelling at Lewis, but I may as well clarify the short for you. The first sentence is funny for no other reason than it is a bad Jackie Mason comedy set up for the even worse crack about Borsht belt comedy. (Borsht and belt kind of run throughout the piece.) Which is itself funny because it's a really bad set up for the really stupid story. Comments like "I'm not sure this is appropriate" and "Incidentally I Got..." are really lame stand-up comedy devices. Bungy, was intentionally cute because the stopper to a bilge cask is known as a bung, with the cask opening known as a bunghole. Since there's also a distinct Jewish theme here, and Diaspora when used as a proper noun is always capitalized, I capitalized it to make clear the reference back to the Diaspora, and to imply that Jews are basically a bunch of diarrhea. The only movie referenced in this piece is Beetlejuice, and then only for word play in the last line. The purpose of the short was for me to have some fun writing in a really bad comedic style, mixing genres and trying to spark a fire by matching my ass to your face.(See, bad comedic writing.) Your critique, while cruel-intentioned, was an inspired piece of evil and fuckin hysterical. It pleases me that my writing raised your ire at the key-wearing one.
12/17/2004 hagit mizrachy: Qualcomm, how could these other Brookturds have known with certainty I was me. Jewish theme does not necessarily equal Hagit, and I haven't written anything fictional for 20 years. Are you one of those Protocols of the Elders of Zion conspirists?
12/17/2004 Jon Matza: Hey, you're a nice guy too, and not just for your intellectual dishonesty.
12/17/2004 Jon Matza: Sorry, I meant, you're a nice guy, too, guy.
12/17/2004 Dylan Danko: None of you are as nice as I am. I'm the nicest.
12/17/2004 hagit mizrachy: I may have written a fictional piece a few years ago afterall--something about a bunny like Ewan says--but I don't remember doing it, which is proof that I wasn't in the womb quite long enough. Maybe that's why I'm in the womb so much now....whooooah!!! And I thought nice meant simple in the old days, so I guess I'm nicer and gayer than anyone. But I feel so free...so damn free.
12/17/2004 Dylan Danko: Must be all that land you married into.
12/17/2004 hagit mizrachy: Yep, I sure hooked me a nice piece of real asstate if you know what I mean.
12/18/2004 TREE (4): Hagit gets 3 stars for the short and one for being a cumslut
12/18/2004 Litcube (4): This got a few rapid blows of sharp laughter out of me.
12/22/2004 John Slocum (4): Smega laden.
12/28/2004 scoop (5): Aw man, The creativity! The insight! I'm fucking breathless. I'm so fucking plussed, I'm scared of familiar surroundings. Wow. Where do you come up with your strange, creative ideas, you Phish-listneing-to-night-school-adult-continuing-education-art-class-teaching tool?