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“Bixenta, would you come in here please?”
“Bixenta, you’re my Basque secretary – correct?”
“Fabulous, fabulous. How’s that working out for us – good?”
“Yes sir. Very good.”
“I’ve always had a great fondness for the Basque peoples, a deep regard. Haven’t I?”
“And have we slept together yet. Have I slept with my Basque secretary?”
“That won’t do, that won’t do at all…Bixenta take a note!”
Bixenta, the Basque secretary, sat down and crossed her one leg in an efficient motion. She had pen and legal pad fully prepared for her Basque-friendly boss’s dictation.
“First let’s set up a time where you and I can sleep together. How does Thursday sound? Maybe we can go out and purchase dinner at a cozy Basque joint and -- ”
“Sir, I don’t do Basque.”
“Of course! Well, we can schedule something else. Let’s say we have a late work night. First we become overwhelmed with the stress of deadlines. Then, giddy form a long nights work, we see each other in a light neither of us had ever even considered. I’ll crack a joke, relevant to some paperwork maybe, and we’ll laugh. The laughter will subside in to an awkward stare. We’ll clumsily lean in for a kiss. Gently at first, then hungrily, until we are pulling each others clothes off.”
“And you said Thursday or Friday for that?”
“Thursday, will do.”
“Make sure to jot down some awkward post-coital time. too. We’ll talk to each other clinically afterward, paradoxically more distant then before the love-act. We’ll avoid one another at every chance. Averting eye contact on those rare occasions that demand we interact.”
“What about your wife?”
“Pencil me in for some cold silences, a little emotional remoteness, a healthy mix of passive-aggressive outbursts, and punctuate it with some rote, listless sex.”
“And your children?”
“Neglect. We'll ignore the little sons of bitches.”
“But, make sure you scribble some guilt in there for later in the week. Maybe a couple of gifts, a puppy maybe, to assuage it, accompanied with a sense of self-satisfaction at doing the right thing.”
“No, no…that’s it…Wait! Before I forget. Put me down for a crisis of faith, sometime next month. That would be perfecto. Follow it up with a period of spiritual drought. But then have me, I don’t know, stumble in to an unfamiliar church during a rain storm and rediscover everything about my religion that I thought was lost forever, or something.”
“Done and done sir.” Bixenta beamed.
On her way out he spanked his Basque secretary’s plump ass. He was simultaneously seized with intense satisfaction and self-conscious shame. Afterward he took time to make sense of his feelings. At first he was consumed by the notion that in middle age he had become everything he hated when he was young. Eventually he rallied and told himself that he earned the right to spank an employee – male or female. He convinced himself that his misogyny was merely an expression of his untamable manhood. And that she was flattered either way, so what the hell did it matter?
All those details were hashed out in last week’s dictation.
Date Written: December 19, 2004Comments:
Average Vote: 3.7273
12/27/2004 qualcomm (4): i'm seeing scott thompson in the role of the boss, mark mckinney as the basque
12/27/2004 Litcube (4): This is straight out of KITH, and I agree with Scott, but the seceretary is most definitely Bruce McCulloch.
12/27/2004 The Rid (4): I can see McCulloch as the boss doing his low voice (like the bit when he's the toupee salesman) and McDonlad as the Basque. Or McKinney as the boss. Fuck. Whatever.
12/27/2004 Shane Mahoney: Suck it, The Rid! Suck it!
12/27/2004 scoop (4): i WONDER IF sHANE maHONEY APPROVES OF THIS sHORt ANy MOrE THAN he dId THe oTHErS?
12/27/2004 Shane Mahoney (1): As more and more first-growth habitat is destroyed by signs of human existence, the purity of the ancient hunt will be lost for all time. Through the teutonic mists, enchanted by a sourceless, viridian glow, the French horns sound...
12/27/2004 Phony Millions (5): Would have given this a 5 anyways without that pussy Mahoney's 1. This is devastating - especially the way it takes you through his spiritual crisis. Top notch cynical shit.
12/27/2004 hagit mizrachy (2): I just don't see a level of insight or creativity that would merit a four or five. In fact, I see predictability. But, as Qualcomm would be quick to assert, I must be underunderstanding and failing to appreciate the craft and process involved.
12/27/2004 TheBuyer (5):
12/27/2004 anonymous: Creativity, Hagit, you stupid kike?
12/28/2004 TheBuyer: She's talking about your typing.
12/28/2004 Will Disney (4): This reminds me of Love Actually.
12/28/2004 The Rid: Scoop: For the record, I didn't find this predictable. Just quite funny. I nominate Hagit for "Douche of the Year!" Huzzah!
12/28/2004 Dylan Danko (4): This reminds me of Love Anally. HA! HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
12/28/2004 senator (4): This made me laugh. Especially the part about ignoring the bastards. Did anyone notice that the Basque secretary only has one leg? I find that very sexy.
12/28/2004 Phony Millions: Yeah Hagit, Whassup? Not that I should talk, because my shorts are often gloomy, but you've got to take in the funny factor as well when voting, no? This shit is pretty funny. 'Insight and creativity...' found lacking? Sounds like something written in red in the margins of a high school A.P. English class.
12/28/2004 hagit mizrachy: My drunk Senator, allow me to briefly lobby your cauliflower ear. I read the one leg thing was an attempt by Clark Kent to avert misunderstanding by not writing "she crossed her legs." He thought, with what happened to Jason Blair and all, he'd better be clear in his word usage and make it known that only one of the two gambs was doing the cross; illustrative of the weakness of the piece. And we all thought Scoop was doing so well these days. Maybe our little Superman is a bit over-involved in that hard-hitting methlab story. And Evans, you forget my rough and tumbleness, I was never in anything AP--except for your anal passage that time in the green room.
12/28/2004 Paula Zahn: Hey Hagit, you dumb fuck, of course she has one leg. But, is that really illustrtive of the weakness of the piece? I thought it was lack of initiative or something like that? Was my not describing her having one leg not creative enough, you filthy small minded cunt? I mean insight? Are you fucking serious? Do you have any idea how fucking lame that is? I'm glad there's people like you out there because it instills in me a deep artifical sense of superiority that, despite my knowing is counterfeit, still keeps me warm and toasty. I never imagined someone as flat out fucking boring and lame as you actually existed. Wow. Its almost refreshing.
12/28/2004 scoop: God damn it. What she said.
12/29/2004 TheBuyer: let the pulse of my five beat in your cuntz. with a zee. god, i want to want to nail paula zahn in her 'sitting room' with my girl. hot. so hot. and bitchy.
12/29/2004 hagit mizrachy: Scoop, we all have one leg. And many of us have a second one. It is the deficit in your third leg however; that leads you to behave in such an oversensitive manner.
Now take off your "Coed Naked DateRape" tee shirt and let's see what that low-reps high-weight regimen hasn't done for your back.
12/29/2004 scoop: Muscular insight, Hagit, married to a dazzling creativity.
12/29/2004 Susan Sontag: But kinda funny nevertheless.
12/29/2004 Susan Sontag: Mmmmmmm. Gobble, gobble, gobble. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmaaa! Uh!
12/29/2004 qualcomm: course it's funny. it comes from brookline.
01/2/2005 cuntry (4): i thought the secretary was a guy for the first bit. liked that. the 3rd line is loverly.