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Fuck, I can’t seem to crack this brinksian braintrust. I know I can be as smart as these guys. I have serious earning power, and every step of the way to my present position I have overcome both dummies and genuises. I subscribe to a dozen periodicals for crying out loud. So, to paraphrase Benatar, this is just one more notch in my lipstick case. Man I hit some coke parties in the early 80's, didn't I? Yes I sure did. Whew. OK. I’ll write one that’s really bad just to get the negative attention I deserve. Something about rape and ice cream that ends in a non-sequitur. Or maybe something stupid, yet cute enough to garner a few pity fours. “Foie Gras” will be a first person account of force feeding my pet mouse kernels of corn, and then force feeding my mouse to my pet crow, and then force feeding my pet crow to my boyfriend’s ass. But that might sound too simple and a bit gay, so I’ll change mouse to vole and make it a woman’s ass. But I want the reader to know that I know the difference between goose and duck foie gras. How do I do that without seeming arrogant? And where the hell is my Bartlett’s Quotations? Oh I got another idea. It’s all about words so I’ll use at least two words no one knows. How about piacular or--fuck where’s the dictionary…here’s one...eudiometer. How can I seamlessly work that into a piece? Earning power... Hold it. No one questions true darkness. I’ll just effortlessly crank off a short in which I commit suicide, only they won’t know if I’m serious or just writing it. How’s that for emotional play assholes. You’ve got it all figured out don’t you, you “worldly” booksmarters. I’m just as fucking booksmart, I went to a Seven Sister. And just because I can’t analyze or comprehend shit doesn’t mean shit. You try to deal with psuedouberintellectuals when you have a PROFESSIONALLY DIAGNOSED learning disability. Just fucking try it. If I was hangin’ with my Dominican friend I would call you haters. But since I can’t discern whether I myself am filled with self-pity or with self-hatred, I’ll keep coming back until I figure it out or get discovered. I'd be pleasantly surprised to find that any of you had such a level of self-awareness, or earning power for that matter. I am starting to see what Schopenhauer was talking about: Ridicule, then violent denial, then redemption. And THIS living breathing organism of the honest and earnest is nearing that final leg. One day soon they’ll say, hey hagit is really writing some good shit. HOW on Earth did we overlook him(her)?
Date Written: December 23, 2004Comments:
Author: hagit mizrachy
Average Vote: 4.33333
01/7/2005 Will Disney (5):
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: Wow Author, you like me that much? Nice to know somthing's writing about me a 1 AM. This actually does deserve to be dignified with a response. I mean, you're a jaded aspiring author--destined to fight for scraps on the guest author page.
01/7/2005 Will Disney: huh?
01/7/2005 anonymous: Hey that's pretty inventive "hagit." Let's see, "dignify with response" appeared as long ago as in your last short. Arsenal running low?
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: I was talking to the dick wad who wrote this Disney, not you.
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: Like TREE, I'm beginning to wonder why you're so interested in me, author. You clearly are aware of the nuances of my work but painfully unaware of your own ignorance.
01/7/2005 anonymous: hagit, your response is as haggard as your prose. Except 'Dick Fuck. That was a solid piece of work. Truly shocking stuff.
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: touche
01/7/2005 anonymous: douche
01/7/2005 The Rid: Funny. But not ha-ha funny. Except for feeding the crow to the boyfriend's ass, which was totally gay.
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: The fact that you know nothing about me yet know everything about me speaks to the failure of your tutors.
01/7/2005 TheBuyer: huh, so this short isn't as goodnatured as I thought when I first read it, i'm surprised.
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: It'd be pretty funny if it was about you Rid.
01/7/2005 anonymous: Ha, hagit you fucking flaming ball of arrogance! You can take your Yodaesque jocularities back to whatever funhouse your parents made you in.
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: Are you saying I'm a Zionist?
01/7/2005 anonymous: Oh so bitingly irreverant! When you lose you need to play the non-sequiturial Jewish card since it's the only one in your monocultural deck.
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: First of all, you have a good bit of hate in you, friend.
Second, your use of mono-cultural reveals that you too go a- runnin' to the reference shelf not infrequently.
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: And are you so certain I'm Jewish? Am I a liberal or a conservative Jew?
01/7/2005 Ewan Snow: Hey, AcmeShorts, is Hagit tricking us, or did he realy not write this? And if not, who did?
01/7/2005 anonymous: Since you are so inanely lacking in profundity, I'd say you are a conservative, but since you're such a painin the ass, you're just as likely to be a liberal.
01/7/2005 anonymous: Quite Snow! I'm having such a tough time battling wits with this chess master.
01/7/2005 anonymous: Honestly, hagit. Do you think anyone actually cares about your religious leanings?
01/7/2005 Dylan Danko: Snow, I'm wondering the same thing.
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: You clearly do twat rot.
Hey, there's something on my shoe!!
01/7/2005 Acme Shorts: I just checked my records. The author is in fact hagit.
01/7/2005 Dylan Danko: Vomit?
01/7/2005 anonymous: Is that a knock knock joke you punned together? I'm not your fucking straight man you fetid cunt. Maybe you were gonna equate me with dogshit? Your thinking is so ahead of the curve.
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: Acme Shorts, are you on acid?
Author, up until now I've been as polite as I can be, but you're such a tampon water drinking gloryholling imbecile that I can't maintain a front of decency. You obviously lack both tact and decency and your stupid piece is so without merit that I won't bother to comment on the specifics. Your objective is clearly self-aggrandisement and feather puffing meant to make up for your inability to maintain erectile rigidity.
01/7/2005 anonymous: Done yet you blathering ninny? I lack decency? You really do sound like a stupid Republican(apologies to any smart Republicans in Acme) As a matter of fact, I consider it very decent to let you know just how much of an embarassment you are to yourself.
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: "As a matter of fact" asshole, I am quite politically astute, and while I voted for Bush, I do not agree with all of his policies. You may be unaware that Kerry was never honorably discharged.
01/7/2005 anonymous: hagit, you compllete blank-faced stare. You are crossing new thresholds for stupidity with each response. Who actually says, "I am quite politically astute?" You are effectively proving the veracity of my short with every passing blunder!
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: Maybe if I knew who you were it'd be more of an even match. So fucking easy to throw punches at a blindfolded drunk isn't it you bastion of bravery? Gay much?
01/7/2005 Ewan Snow: This is great. Keep it up, fellows. Seriously. Seriously.
01/7/2005 Ewan Snow: Yeah, author, gay much?
01/7/2005 Mr. Pony: Wow, this got awfully nasty awfully, fast! hagit, author; I think we should just sit back, maybe take a deep breath, and talk about why we're so upset with each other. hagit, why don't you go first, and them you, author? And remember, the point here is to make our feelings known so that we can maybe find a solution to our differences, not to hurt each other with mean jabs.
01/7/2005 Ewan Snow: Hagit, did you really vote for Bush? You F-ing retard.
01/7/2005 anonymous: You'll find out soon enough you walking advertisement for clitorectomy. Then you can plot your ingenious path of recourse.
01/7/2005 anonymous: Touche, what a douche.
01/7/2005 Ewan Snow: Pony, keep out of this. It's just starting to get good.
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: Snow, my vote is between me and this cardboard cutout of a man. Incidently author, we're having a lynching this Saturday, wanna come? You can tie the rope.
01/7/2005 THE FYORNCH: I'LL SHOW YOU A HONORABLE DISCHARGE!! HAW HAW HAW
01/7/2005 anonymous: Touche, What a douche.
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: Now who's only got one card you narcissistic sociopath!
01/7/2005 Ewan Snow: Good one, Dylan. Seriously. Seriously.
01/7/2005 Dylan Danko: There's no way Hagit voted for Bush which leads me to think things...
01/7/2005 anonymous: Touche, what a douche
Touche, what a douche
Touche, what a douche
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: Author, you are beatifully illustrative of the Humean notion that one can never be truly self-aware.
01/7/2005 anonymous: I'll let that morsel of pop-philosophical eliteness stand on its own.
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: Look who's fucking talking Travolta! You used psuedouberintellectual and Schopenhauer in your oh-so-scathing indictment of me. You slime mold of hypocrisy.
01/7/2005 anonymous: Also, it's spelled "Human".
01/7/2005 Dylan Danko: I am not The Fyornch.
01/7/2005 Elegant Elliot Offen: Author, stuff it in you pre-cancerous, gangrenous, esophagus!
01/7/2005 anonymous: Yes my child, but it's clear to all but those with heads in their rectums that I was playing a role. The asshole hagit role. But you seem to miss both subtlety and overt insult.
01/7/2005 Elegant Elliot Offen: Hagit, you’re syphilitic, pre-pubescent, post-traumatic stress disorder!
01/7/2005 Dylan Danko: I think he picked up on the overt insult, author.
01/7/2005 anonymous: E.L.O haw haw haw
01/7/2005 Elegant Elliot Offen: Author, you’re penis is encrusted with staff-infected pustules and your ass suffers from advanced feline elephantiasis!
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: Man are you a venom spewing cretin! You'll get great satisfaction to know that I intended to depart from Acme even long before your short. So you're tirade has been nothing but an innefective piece of grandstanding. And isn't all this low brow humor below a Post Doc?
01/7/2005 anonymous: "Elliot" starts with an "E".
01/7/2005 anonymous: Ah Hagit, I didn't think I'd be succesful so quickly.
It's time for this Post Doc to lean back in his leather chair and savor his victory. Oh wait! I've been shocked back to reality. This means no more stilted clap trap from hagit? Boy Acme sure is in for some hard times, hard times.
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: Fuck you author. But truthfully, I have two more shorts in the queue. But I'll only leave them in if you promise not to comment, due to your obvious innability to pass judgement impartially.
01/7/2005 anonymous: Pretty pallid hagit. I can't figure out if you're actually so blind from Zionist moonshine that you're trying to sound cute, or sweet and rational. I don't give a flying rat's cunt what you do with your shorts. Maybe stick them in your ass. And the "you won't have hagit mizrachy (dick nixon) to kick around anymore" tone is such a poor piece of tragic comedy.
01/7/2005 TREE (5): Ok 1 star for psuedouberintellectuals but the rest is pretty simple fare. Oh and 4 more for the comments.
01/7/2005 anonymous: Danko, I thought I went to great pains to make no reference to anyone in this arguement other than hagit. For the record, this has nothing to do with a previous incident.
01/7/2005 qualcomm: know what's kind of weird? this argument is equally boring whether hagit's the author or not!
01/7/2005 Dylan Danko: I don't understand
01/7/2005 Dylan Danko: That was to author. Yes, QC, it is. But for a short while it was rather amusing...in real time.
01/7/2005 TheBuyer: That's funny, I thought it was snow if it wasn't hagit fighting with himself. who else, really?
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: Wait now I just got actually pissed. I had been planning to paste my final two shorts into the arguement and then have the author rip them apart, so I could defiantly walk off the stage. I even had this Emily Dickinson quote and another angry comment about Karma. But since Acme Shorts blew my cover and then you said that I overtly insulted someone, I think I'll quit before I misstep again.
This entire piece was meant to be an arguement with hagit by hagit and about hagit. The humor being that the piece insulted hagit and then the ensuing arguement drove hagit to leave the site. And then the next day everyone would see that hagit drove hagit from the site. If the flavor of the arguement reflects some of those on Acme, what do you expect? You can read anything into a piece you want. Nothing in this piece was conciously directed at Scoop, which is what I think Danko was implying. If that's the case, Fuck you Danko if you think I'm going to apologize to someone one day and then insult them the next.
01/7/2005 Elegant Elliot Offen: Qualcomm, you are a lice-infested, scabies suffering, encephalitic imbecile!
01/7/2005 Elegant Elliot Offen: Hagit, you're a herpes-scarred, gout-inflamed, manic depressive dwarf drosophila!
01/7/2005 Dylan Danko: Hey there, Chief, I have no idea what you're talking about. If your comments are intentionally incoherent then they aren't very funny.
01/7/2005 Elegant Elliot Offen: Danko, you’re a anally-fissured farcical fart farmer!
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: Oh, I thought you were saying Eliot was Scoop and that I had intentionally offended him by accusing him of oversensitivity and failing to recognize that I was playing a role in our earlier tiff and saying he misses overt and subtle insult.
I'm a bit oversensitive about that earlier incident. Sorry Danko. I should really drag my tail.
01/7/2005 Dylan Danko: Hey Elliot, next time I see you prancing your faggoty leotarded self down 3rd Ave I'm gonna fucking hang you from your headband.
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: Why didn't I listen to my mother?
She said, "Hagit, you're not a very bright child. Don't use your mouth for speaking or you'll never get married."
01/7/2005 Dylan Danko: Ah, no. I was refering to a comment you made as author about overt insult.
01/7/2005 Elegant Elliot Offen: Dylan, you’re a trick-kneed arthritic arithmetician!
01/7/2005 Dylan Danko: Sadly, yes.
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: Danko, do you mean the author insulted hagit, and hagit was on to the overt insult? Or something more sinister?
01/7/2005 TheBuyer (5): then again, who 'walks off' Acme? Dylan hasn't posted a short since Pearl Jam rocked and he still comments, message boards, fakes new users etc. why dump the project entirely?
01/7/2005 Dylan Danko: Yes, Hagit, yes. Dude, i'm fucking tired, man. So fucking tired.
01/7/2005 Litcube: If Dylan posts a short, will Pearl Jam once again rock like "Go", or are we stuck with "Red Mosquito"?
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: Elliot I blame you for me embarassing myself. After all, Eliot is the name we used to use when we were twelve and pretending to be retarded in public. Good honest clean fun back then.
01/7/2005 Dylan Danko: TheBuyer, I am enraged at your comment about Pearl Jam rocking. They never did. Surely you're thinking of Mudhoney or Temple of the Dog or Alice in Chains (shame about that Layne Staley asshole) all of which never rocked either. Everything else you said is true and I hate myself for it. Thanks alot.
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: I'm so upset I need to keep arguing with myself for one last hour.
01/7/2005 Dylan Danko (5): Have I told anyone how much I love my hometown?
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: Author, your weakness lies in your ad hominem style of attack. Why not go after something of substance, like my work?
I'll put up my final two pieces now, so you won't have to suffer through them at a later date. You poor, poor man.
Though I am poorer than the lot of you having to suffer through countless hours of rehearsing Pearl Jam songs with my cover band in the basement.
01/7/2005 Litcube (5): This was pretty cool. I don't think you embarrassed yourself, Hagit. It was pretty obvious you were fighting with yourself from the very beginning, and it was obvious that you were intending to be obvious. I also disagree that it was boring. Hagit.. Hagit, you're alright!
01/7/2005 anonymous: Hagit, you talk as if you've got a substantial ouevre.
Aren't you forgetting that you're supposed to be new to this prose game? You tired fraud.
01/7/2005 qualcomm (1): [read in david brent's voice] corrective.
01/7/2005 TheBuyer: Dylan, maybe a couple of cuts from the I am Sam sndtrack would ease you up on yourself, you're not so bad. That Sarah McLaughlin, boy, Blackbird indeed!
01/7/2005 Dylan Danko: In keeping with my indie cred, I much prefer the Grandaddy song and that Chocolate Genius fella.
01/7/2005 Dylan Danko: Great movie though.
01/7/2005 TheBuyer: ya, but I'd like to see them ovulate. oo that Chocoalte Genius, i like his mojo.
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: Qualcomm, just for that I'm gonna post those two remaining attrocious shorts and argue with myself about them. How's that for corrective?
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: “Back you go my friend,” Aquaman explained to the swordfish.
The swordfish appeared to smile and gave an avian call, momentarily nonplussing the super seaman.
All-at-once a golden rope appeared above his head.
“Aquaman, grab hold of my lasso and climb aboard!” shouted Wonderwoman from the Invisible Jet.
Fortunately Aquaman had turned around between frames and was able to grab the lasso as the jet raced by—or was it hovering? Aquaman could never figure out what-the-fuck was going on, especially with Wonderwoman. Maybe that’s how she got her name, he mused…no matter. “I’m sure glad to see you Wonderwoman—I thought that giant tarantula was going to have you for supper.”
“I gave Shenid a dose of her own medicine,” Wonderwoman sternly answered, pointing to a trussed-up giant spider in tow behind the plane.
Christ, thought Aquaman, this whole thing is so confusing. I’m an ex-quarterback and I still have no fucking idea what’s up. Like: How did I not see the spider behind the plane until Wonderwoman showed it to me; How did she use her lasso to pick me up if Shenid is tied up with it; Why is she wearing a bathing suit if she flies everywhere?
His confusion was shrilly pierced by the avian call of the arachnid.
This is bullshit, that thing sounds just like the swordfish! Aquaman’s mental sonar was working overtime.
“Easy Shenid, you’re going back to that barren tropical island where you can do no more harm.” Wonderwoman was prattling on.
Just then, he heard a loud brass section and everything spun around in some weird kaleidoscopy. Gleek was stumbling around with a paint can on his head and Superman was saying, “Looks like Gleek’s not afraid of Robothead anymore.”
What the fuck is he talking about? Everyone’s laughing so it must have be funny—-I guess I’ll laugh too, thought Aquaman. But as he tried to laugh, he realized he was already laughing.
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: Nostalgia echoes as the burn from the stucco fireplace illuminates my Duran Duran album. Whenever Susan's away I seem to find myself like this, brandy in hand, staring at the old LP jacket. Warped from kiss and cum, that trafficked paperboard is a via melancholia down the Burlington Northern Railroad. Dad says they fucked me into existence on that eight mile hole of sodium glow that is the Flathead Tunnel. Twelve years later, on the way to Camp Verité, I ducked the Flathead myself; A gentlemen I would be. Within weeks I knew several dinner’s worth of the broader points on venery, nepotism, post-modern eugenics and a little bit of the equestrienne(if you catch my drift).
Angela Crane was my abecedarian. She was a trust fund and a whore—at only thirteen. She won a fourpack of peach Bartles and Jaymes for sucking King Alfred’s 22 inch penis in the Forsythe Stable. Her parents had begun shipping-off “Our Angela” two years prior. Her dad brilliantly managed the family fortune while brilliantly fucking the family up. The raping commenced when she was six. “Mother” found out after he damaged Angela’s urethra and she pissed blood, but the tough love continued for another five years. Once Angela started to bleed naturally, her mother called her a slut and sent her to live with her Aunt Hildreth in St. Croix. Auntie Hildy was a terrible druggie-drunk and a worse artist. When Auntie Hildy passed-out on the veranda Angela tried to remove her varicose veins with a fish hook. She was sent to an exclusive school and forwarded directly to Camp Verité for the summer.
I met her at the show jumping course. Later I fingered her behind the old steam laundry house. She had red hair and a black bush. Very 80's. She was my first and I came in my jodhpurs.
They had a record player in the dance studio on the girls’ side of campus. We skipped chapel and put on the Rio album. Laying on the floor, we made out and listened to Hungry Like the Wolf over and over. Angela put my hand under her blue chapel skirt and then pulled my pants down. She took off her underwear and told me she wanted me to stuff them in her mouth while I fucked her. I didn’t know how to do it, so she rolled me on top of her and started pulling and pushing me by my hips. I was losing the skin off my knees on the heavily varnished floor and she had these white underwear with little red hearts hanging out of her mouth. She told me, in this really adult voice, to fuck her like daddy’s cotton candy slut. All I could think about was how Brambles would catch garter snakes and drag them into the house, still half alive, yowling muffled mews and periodically shaking the dying reptile. My knees were bleeding and I was too scared and distracted to come. She kept saying “cotton candy slut.” I guess she had an orgasm.
She told me her father fucked better than me, that I was probably gay, and she didn’t want to see me again. We got caught leaving the building and the counselor confiscated Rio and scolded us for skipping chapel to listen to music. At the end of the month I lied and told the counselor that it was my album. I took it home.
In 1990 I saw Angela at a jai lai match. I told her I was a business economics major at Brown and that I thought jai lai was invented by Basques or maybe Aztecs. She said, “Mm kay, I gotta go meet some people.” I said, "I still have the Duran Duran album." She said, “Man you really were a fag," and left me standing there shaking.
01/7/2005 Dylan Danko: You ain't going anywhere, Hagit, and you know it. Well, everybody, it's been alot of fun today but Danko needs to go home. Maybe, I see you all on the weekend. Maybe I'll even write a short or two. If not, I'll see you on Monday where you can look forward to yet more keen, droll commentary by yours truly.
01/7/2005 Jon Matza: Pony, do something!!!
01/7/2005 anonymous: Hagit, if somehow in your cork-filled head you feel that daring me not to comment proves that your above it all, you are painfully punch drunk. I'll keep my critique brief for everyone's sake.
Is the comic book psychology beginning or ending anywhere?
Is Aquaman's limbo-like existence a metaphor for something?
Is it a Brave New World concept that you're incapable of carrying through? Does the "deep" final line relate to some vague notion of the hopelessness of pre-programmed destiny? Moreover, what type of developmental short circuit has caused you to write such appauling crap?
That second piece is rich. The first line alone is enough to DQ the short. But then again so is nearly every other pomp filled line in this attrocity. "Abecedarian" "post-modern eugenics" "jai lai". Great stuff hagit!! It takes one pampered overimportant elitist to assume the arrogant stance necessary in writing such a rambling self-aggrandizing pile of horse shit. "King Alfred", "Ducked the Flathead" . The reader is ledt completely irritated rather than in some melancholic trance of pity. How many voices can you give one narrator? Whose the audience for this botulism taco? Do you really think peole are gonna relate to this? It screams,"Look at me, I'm not an elitist!! I'm so well-rounded!!"
This is the kind of egotistical drivel that drives me off the nearest bridge. Take heart in knowing Acme will not miss you.
Touche, what a douche.
01/7/2005 TheBuyer: i want my vote back.
01/7/2005 hagit mizrachy: Don't try to run an intervention Matza, it's too late.
Author, you may be big on Acme, but I actually have a very well-paying job and a good deal of authority-I might add.
You can spend your days like some modern day version of bedouins of old, shooting at passers by you fear and misunderstand.
Now for the Dickinson:
To fight aloud, is very brave-
But gallanter, I know
Who charge within the bosom
The Cavalry of Woe-
And author, for my last word on Acme, I'd like to direct you to the concept of Karma.
01/7/2005 anonymous: Eeew, Karma. That kind of heavy concept sets me all a-quiver with the fear of the supernatural. hagit, I couldn't have chosen a more appropriate ending to your brief-yet-pitiful tenure here on Acme.
Touche, What a douche.
01/8/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (5): Five stars, for the controversy and for the Foie Gras sub-short.
01/10/2005 John Slocum (3): for the rant. 5 stars for the nostalgia one. 4 stars for the aquaman one.
01/10/2005 John Slocum: love the nostalgia one.
01/11/2005 scoop: Holy Fuck! Hey Hagit, SANE much guy?
01/11/2005 scoop (5): Five stars for the entire document. I mean man. This feels genuinely unstable. I mean this fuckers center has let go with wild abandon.
01/11/2005 Jon Matza: Not to mention the end of that aquaman short is totally bottle rocket.
03/3/2005 Litcube: I just read the Aquaman sort again after sending it to someone else. It is awesome with special fucking powers.
05/30/2005 TheBuyer: This was a funny day, I think it gets a page or two in the book.
09/28/2012 Marvin_Bernstein: this site should not die and this is an essential example of why