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The gay godfather (il fruito di tooty frooty) grabbed Dinky Carmichael by the collars and pulled him in close. “You don’t have to respect me, but you will be jealous of me.”
“Forgive me,” Dinky stammered. “I’ve always thought you were a great guy. What do you want me to do?”
“I want you to whack Jimmy Set-O-Drapes. That cocksucker ruined my party!” the gay godfather shrieked. “He invaded my personal space and violated the sanctity of my person. I expect you personally to bring him before me in person. Who cares if he has this grandiose persona? I’m a fucking personality, alright? So don’t take it personally. It’s just that this time it’s personal.”
“Okay, whatever you want.” Dinky was going to leave, but he stopped and turned to the gay godfather. “Uh, how should I kill him? Should it be, you know with a gun, shooting style? Or maybe with an ice pick, like, ice pick style or whatever?”
“Make it romantic like the St. Valentine’s Day massacre. I want a better life for myself, Dinky. I’m picturing a lifestyle, Dinky. Can you see it. Can you see the luxury, the grace, Dinky? Dinky? Are you retarded Dinky? You have no vision. Dinky, you’re standing on my foot. Step back. Thank you. Okay Dinky, I think it’s time to go home. No. No, Dinky, not tonight. Go home now. It’s time to go home. I don’t care Dinky. Not tonight Dinky. No. Good bye. Bye. Good Bye. Okay. Bye bye.”
Date Written: January 03, 2005Comments:
Author: Ewan Snow
Average Vote: 3.3077
01/4/2005 qualcomm: this sucks
01/4/2005 anonymous: It's not finished, asshole. Stop reading shorts in the Q! Disney, please demote QC to guest immediately and permanently for his crimes!!!!!!
01/4/2005 qualcomm: shut up.
01/4/2005 qualcomm: man that first sentence is pretentious
01/4/2005 anonymous: Jeez, really? Dumb fuck.
01/4/2005 qualcomm: hey, i'm not dumb!
01/4/2005 anonymous: I told on you, you know! And you're gonna be in big trouble when Disney finds out what you done. BIG TROUBLE!
01/4/2005 qualcomm: you also sound like ewan.
01/4/2005 Litcube: Knock it off.
01/4/2005 anonymous: QC, you're just posting on these shorts without even reading them. You can only see the first line. So you don't know if they suck, do you? In fact, they could be terrific for all you know. Now who's intellectually dishonest? Seriously, who?
01/4/2005 TheBuyer: you knock it off.
01/11/2005 Will Disney (5): did the author change this short? the first line is no longer pretentious.
01/11/2005 John Slocum (3): this should have been gayer. more gay.
01/11/2005 Stomach Foot (2): subpar
01/11/2005 Stomach Foot: (Stomach Foot here)
01/11/2005 anonymous: Fuck you, qualcomm. This is no two, you stinking cunt.
01/11/2005 Dylan Danko (3): Is it true what the author says about QC?
01/11/2005 anonymous: Fuck you, Dylan. You incompetent cunt.
01/11/2005 Dylan Danko: 'least I don't smell
01/11/2005 anonymous: In point of fact you do smell, you incompetent, smelly cunt.
01/11/2005 Mr. Pony: I think Dylan smells pretty good.
01/11/2005 Ewan Snow: He smells well, Pony, in that his nose works properly. But he has BO, and shitty pantbottoms.
01/11/2005 Ewan Snow (5): I thought this was funny. A funny short that made me laugh. And, like Disney, I'm not a jerk, so I'll give it a good vote.
01/11/2005 Dylan Danko: Fuck, I'm smelly and incompetent? I don't know what shitty pantbottoms are.
01/11/2005 Ewan Snow: They are the natural result of pooping one's pants. I feel this is perfectly clear!
01/11/2005 Dylan Danko: Ah. I think you're thinking of EJ.
01/11/2005 anonymous: Thanks, Ewan. Shut up, Dylan.
01/11/2005 John Slocum: Disney, I never picked this as the latest controversy, but acmeshorts.com is telling me I did. Is this another of Ewan's japes, pranks, games or simulations?!? Or a bug in the system? In your system.
01/11/2005 Dylan Danko: But author, I love you.
01/11/2005 The Rid (3):
01/11/2005 anonymous: The Rid, I guess you are also a cunt. So is Slocum. You're all cunts except Disney and Ewan. ALL OF YOU!!!!
01/11/2005 Dylan Danko: But who smells the worst?
01/11/2005 The Rid: Yikes!
01/11/2005 Ewan Snow: Gee, thanks author, but you might want to tone down the language a skosh. Slocum, the latest controversy trick was perpetrated by qc. I'll find the link if I can.
01/11/2005 qualcomm: 5 stars, snow? you are either the author, or insane! this is like some third-rate leslie nielsen vehicle.
01/11/2005 Ewan Snow: First rate Leslie Nielsen, I thought. I liked the 3rd graf for using "personal" a bunch of times for no reason, and the bit in the last graf as well. Also, Dinky's question about how he should kill Jimmy.
01/11/2005 qualcomm: you are insane, and the author.
01/11/2005 Ewan Snow: Nope. Neither. Didn't write it and I'm perfectly fine. Never felt better.
01/11/2005 Mr. Pony (2): This is so random. Reading it feels a little like being jerked around by that really old wooden roller coaster at Coney Island. 2.5, maybe, but the author's being a turd.
01/11/2005 anonymous: Pony, now you're a cunt too? Your loss!
01/11/2005 Ewan Snow: Also, the first graf is bril, as Dylan would say.
01/11/2005 Mr. Pony: I think somebody's found a sneaky way to ask for Mad Libs for his birthday!
01/11/2005 qualcomm: you shameless bastard, just admit you wrote a shitter. it's not the end of the world.
01/11/2005 qualcomm: pony, i don't understand your critique. this doesn't feel mad libsy at all. it's just a corny idea.
01/11/2005 The Rid: Four stars for the author calling us all cunts!
01/11/2005 qualcomm: this reminds me of this
01/11/2005 anonymous: Keeping in mind that you are all cunts, I honestly think this one has several good gags in it. And I didn't think it was a corny idea, because il fuito di tooty frooty's gayness is not beaten to death, despite Slocum's wish that it were. Also, I like the joke where Dinky is standing on the gay godfather's foot. That's a good one.
01/11/2005 TheBuyer (3): 'shitty pantbottoms'
01/11/2005 anonymous: Okay, TheBuyer, but I hope you understand that this makes you a cunt as well. I hope you're happy.
01/11/2005 Mr. Pony: qualcomm: I don't know, it just felt really haphazard to me, like the jokes were selected independent of the story. I think that your Leslie Neilsen vehicle analogy is probably more apt. And author, I don't think you should be calling Snow a cunt; after all, he seems to be your staunchest ally.
01/11/2005 Litcube: I don't know what to do! On the one hand, I could five this and be friends with the author, yet compromise my personal standards and character. On the other hand, I could three this, thereby remaining true to myself and the acme community at the cost of being called a cunt by the author (not friends). I really don’t want to be a called a cunt. I’ll have to give this dilemma some serious consideration.
01/11/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (3): Maybe you should go stroke your maundering a while, it'll help you decide.
01/11/2005 anonymous: Did I mention that Streifenbeuteldachs is a cunt as well. Cuz he is!
01/11/2005 cuntry (4): Regular acme-gay stuff with some very special moments - 'Dinky you're standing on my foot' was pretty great.
01/11/2005 Jon Taylor: So, this is what you guys do with your lives all day.
01/11/2005 Litcube (4):
01/11/2005 anonymous: Thanks, cuntry. Thanks, litcube. I'll remember this!
01/11/2005 qualcomm: what does that mean?
01/11/2005 Mr. Pony: That the margin between indebtedness and vengeful rage is razor-thin?
01/11/2005 qualcomm: are you saying that the margin between a 3 and a 4 is razor-thin? because it isn't.
01/11/2005 Jon Taylor: You guys are really pathetic.
01/11/2005 qualcomm: f u, flintstone. go polish a mullion.
01/11/2005 Ewan Snow: I don't believe that's really JT. I think it's Danko playing a "joke".
01/11/2005 Mr. Pony: I know that in your mind, qualcomm, there are only whole numbers; but I'm sorry, pal; life just isn't that simple. It just isn't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but it just isn't.
01/11/2005 qualcomm: oh, i see, pony. the 2.5 you said this short "maybe" (as in barely) deserved is razor-close to the range of numbers 3.5-4.49. because of decimals.
01/11/2005 http://someonesroommate.com: Hey, guys, whatcha doing?
01/11/2005 http://someonesroommate.com: No, I wasn't talking about my vote.
01/11/2005 Mr. Pony: Whoa, I wasn't talking about my vote either!
01/11/2005 Mr. Pony: Weird!
01/11/2005 scoop: Hey I wonder who http://someonesroommate.com is? I bet it's Pony!
01/11/2005 Mr. Pony: Gosh, that would be a pretty smart bet, wouldn't it?
01/11/2005 scoop: Hey, yeah!
01/11/2005 scoop: Hey who else misses that Bunny Shredding Machince? I know I do. I love that thing.
01/11/2005 Mr. Pony: Bunny shredding indeed! You're a dreadful man, scoop. Simply dreadful.
01/11/2005 Dylan Danko: Snow, it's not me. I've been too busy having my year end evaluation and then being wined and dined by the firm. Kinda drunk actually.
01/11/2005 scoop: I sure am nostalgic for the Bunny Shredding Machine. I get that way on melancholy days like this.
01/11/2005 scoop: Hey Danko, are you going to call in sick tomorrow?
01/11/2005 Will Disney: Dylan, I think you mean "rear-end" evaluation. No wonder you're drunk.
01/11/2005 scoop: Hey Disney don't you have a free-floating, hard-to-pin down-longing for the Bunny Shredding Machine?
01/11/2005 Dylan Danko: Well Scoop my attendance is apparently excellent (go figure) so I'm considering it. Perhaps thursday.
01/11/2005 Jon Matza (3): Apologies, author. Liked the premise...
01/11/2005 qualcomm: you did? then may i recommend this terrific film?
01/11/2005 Jon Matza: yes.
01/11/2005 Will Disney: Starring Rodney Dangerfield as The Rodfather.
01/11/2005 Dylan Danko: For those of you who would like to view The Godson on Qc's 36 incher it will arrive this weekend.
01/11/2005 Dylan Danko: Or it can be viewed on Scoop's lesser viewing rectangle.
01/11/2005 scoop: But my rectangle is flat and its glass is pure Jap, no cloudy-ass funhouse Yobo shit.
01/11/2005 scoop: This thing kind of sucks. But I'm torn between a two and a three. Its premise is bad. Some of the jokes are good.
01/11/2005 Ewan Snow: Why is "the premise bad" on this one? It seems everyone has decided this is true. But it's no worse than the premise of countless other shorts. The retarded cowboy, the horny accountant, the gay godfather. What counts in a short like this is the jokes, and this short has some good ones, I think.
01/12/2005 scoop (3): Where have you been dude? Get hip to the 21st Century. Homosexuality is a disease and making fun of diseases, no matter how you cut it, just isn't funny.
01/12/2005 Mr. Pony: See, I thought your "premise" was just one item in a list of gags you made.
01/12/2005 Ewan Snow: Yeah, pony, and so what?
01/12/2005 Mr. Pony: Come on, Snow. Let's move on to the next thing!
01/12/2005 Ewan Snow: f u, pony. since when is a list of gags a bad short? if the gags are bad, then fine, but you're objecting to the idea, which is just silly. more and more, everyone wants shorts to be mini short stories. it's depressing.
01/12/2005 Mr. Pony: What did I just say?
01/12/2005 qualcomm: i've some things to say. i think mafia jokes are a cliche category. you may as well make mother-in-law jokes. now, that's a general rule. i'm not ruling out the possibility that one could make some good mafia jokes still, but tooty frooty and set-o-drapes don't make it for me as outstanding mafia jokes and certainly they're not very good as gay jokes. i do think gay jokes have more life as a humor category than mafia jokes, probably because homoism is a much bigger category. there's a lot more to work with. but almost all of the jokes in here, taken strictly as gay jokes, are pretty hackneyed as such. it's just that old flamboyant faggot gag, in my opinion. i don't know if you remember this, snow, or if you were there when the story was told, but dylan met a guy in mullen's who pitched him this idea as a screenplay. literally. the gay godfather may even have been his working title for it. i'm not saying that proves anything, but it's worth mentioning at least to point out that this idea is common enough to be shared by two very different individuals (the guy was an idiot, i believe) who've never met (unless you did in fact hear the story and either subconsciously lifted it or consciously decided to play with it).
01/12/2005 Ewan Snow: What did I just say? F U! I think we need post-mortem on this one and I won't allow you to pull a cover-up. Not this time!
01/12/2005 Dylan Danko: I believe it was The Oddfather.
01/12/2005 Ewan Snow: Never heard that story about the guy dylan met, but this doesn't have many gay godfather jokes. The main one is the play on il capo di tuti capi, which I think is a good one (or at least rather clever) considering the ice cream flavor gives the gag another level. Set-O-Drapes, I'll give you, as I wasn't crazy about it, but that graf is mostly about saying "person" over and over again for no reason, which you may not find funny, but certainly isn't cliche. And the last graf is also gay/mob agnostic. So my point is, I don't think the "gay godfather" premise is much of a reason to trash this short. And further, I could very easily write nice clean prose paragraphs with silly situations and quirky characters and be guaranteed fours from just about anybody. It’s just so easy. There’s a growing prejudice against wackiness that I find disappointing. I mean, this may not be all that great, but if so, it's because the gags don't work, not because of the premise which is extremely thin. To criticize the premise of this is like criticizing the plot of Horse Feathers.
01/12/2005 Jon Matza: Incidentally, I wrote a short awhile back about the Gayor of New York City (featuring his flaming responses to various crises). Never posted it because I didn't like the jokes enough. Therefore, I don't know what.
01/12/2005 qualcomm: i agree that the gags don't work, ewan, and that is the main reason i 2ed it. like i said, i wouldn't rule out mafia jokes out of hand. as far as the tutti frooty gag, that's kind of an old one; i never heard anyone say fruito di tooty fruity, but check this out. and that's just with that spelling of tutti frutti. i'm sure i could find much more with different spellings. as for the set-o-drapes graf, i realize that that wasn't the point of the graf, but a bad gag can really harsh on one's mellow, making it harder to like other gags that might be okay. and i'd like to reiterate that i never criticized the premise as being thin; just as being a cliche, and a very narrow one. as i've said before, i'm sure it's possible to make a good joke about how bad the food is at the school cafeteria, but the subject has been so beaten to death over the years with horrible jokes that it's very difficult to overcome. finally, that last graf may be mob agnostic, but it sure isn't gay agnostic (Valentine's, luxury, grace, lifestyle).
01/12/2005 The Fonch: fagnostic, even.
02/1/2005 Mr. Joshua (5): Just a little example of the Power of the Alliance, Snow.
02/1/2005 qualcomm: gross
02/1/2005 Mr. Joshua: Disney liked it, too, qc. I don't see you judging him.