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ďDonít get salty at me just because youíre not able to perform the simplest of tasks. My dead grandmother could do that with her hands tied behind her back. Not that I bound her or anything and I definitely had nothing to do with ending her life. Not that you know of. Look, nothing untoward happened, it was natural causes. What I'm trying to say is I loved my grandmother. Ahhh, Mootah. What a dear, dear woman and what a huge influence on my life. I have very old memories, ancient memories, of when I was 3 years old at my grandmotherís house in Pemington, New Jersey. She would come into the bathroom when I was having my little child poops and keep me company, looming large over me in her open robe over ruffly nightgown. I remember the scent of bleach and fart, the smell of impeccable cleanliness. Not a dust mote to be seen, all shiny white tiles. One time she told me my ass looked nice and big spread out on the toilet seat and that girls would really like it later on. She held my hand with her wrinkly, liver-spotted hands, dry and rough to my young skin. She told me about how Grandpa would walk behind her down the street in old New York city because he loved the way 'all your parts jiggle.' Mootah would help me clean my backside after I was finished and 'for good measure' she scrubbed my little penis. That always felt good. I'm sorry, Mootah, that you can't be here today to see all the wonderful things I do today without complaint, unlike you, you self-absorbed little complaining twit. Now get back to work."

Date Written: January 07, 2005
Author: Alfred P. Whitaker
Average Vote: 3.6

01/18/2005 TheBuyer: Mootah sounds lovely!
01/18/2005 Jon Matza: "untoward"'s a good word.
01/18/2005 Cyrus: I feel slightly violated. Not saying there's anything wrong with that just sayin'.
01/18/2005 TheBuyer (4):
01/18/2005 The Rid (3): I gotta round down to three. The workplace aspect just kills the whole thing.
01/18/2005 Cyrus (3): If you read from "Ahh, Mootah" and stop after "That always felt good" this would have been a 4 star piece. Everything else is crushed cornflakes in the meatloaf.
01/18/2005 cuntry (4): didn't like the bookends on otherwise finely filtered filth.
01/18/2005 Ewan Snow: I love the BOOKENDS, because they were TELEGRAPHED.
01/18/2005 qualcomm: and horsehead, too
01/18/2005 Ewan Snow: Okay, fine. Hey qualcomm, that reminds me, I have riddle for you. This one's a real treat! What popular penny candy was the victim of genocide?
01/18/2005 Ewan Snow: Too hard for you, huh? Want a hint?
01/18/2005 qualcomm: sourballs?
01/18/2005 Ewan Snow: NO! Or, not that I know of...
01/18/2005 qualcomm: miniature tootsie rolls?
01/18/2005 TheBuyer: tutsi rolls
01/18/2005 qualcomm: bosnian-croat drops?
01/18/2005 TheBuyer: fuck ten seconds!
01/18/2005 qualcomm: good work, buyer
01/18/2005 TheBuyer: it's the pressure, I'll be fine.
01/18/2005 Ewan Snow: That's right, bosnian-croat drops. Good work, qualcomm!
01/18/2005 Mr. Pony: heh
01/18/2005 Litcube (4): Fire the graphics department on their lack lustre effort in regards to this packaging of an otherwise excellent product.
01/19/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs: Did you know that Mootah in reverse is Hatoom?
01/19/2005 Litcube: I'm eating Mr. Noodles. :)
01/19/2005 Jon Matza: Hatoom Nice!