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I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "what in the hell am I going to do when the dead rise?"
I can help you. You see, most people see the living dead as the end of the living living. What they should be seeing is dollar signs! Yes, friend, I shit you not. When Grandma shows up on your lawn in her tattered, death-stained nightie at 3 o'clock in the AM, shamble after her to financial opportunity!
Opportunity Number 1
Everybody loves cock fights. I'm not referring to the kind where two men fight each other to the death with their penises, I'm talking about balls-to-the-wall, all-out, beak-clashing chicken battles. The only thing that could make this noble sport from el Mexico any better, aside from beak-mounted chainsaws? Zombies! Zombies will bring this exciting spectator sport out of the shadows and into the convention center where it belongs. PETA will finally have to shut up, because the undead are neither animals nor technically living, and most of PETA will probably be clamoring for craniums anyway. To get the entrants to gore each other, hollow out their chest cavities and place a fresh, delicious brain in each. Everyone will get a hearty laugh out of watching them paw each other's shirts off like a couple of horny teenagers. Betting will be legal in the undead future, because no one's going to put you in the poke for such a minor infraction when the local PD is busy cowering in fear for their delicious organs.
Opportunity Number 2
Why take a trip to Africa to find exotic, endangered animals and shoot them? Organized zombie hunts will be the new hobby of the sinfully rich. If you play your cards right and don't get disemboweled in the first wave, you can make a killing as a guide on these hunting excursions. Suit up in Kevlar and lead a team of brave trust-fund kids into the urban wilderness. You'll probably get a tax write-off too, because you'll be doing your part to rid the world of the shambling menace.
Opportunity Number 3
If you're a director, just think of the money you'll save on your zombie flick is you don't have to pay your extras! You won't even have to spring for make-up expenses, because your cast will always have that fresh-from-the-grave look. No more expensive special effects, either, as you can actually blow the heads off these guys! When the day is done, just round up your cast and shove them back into the specially made wrought-iron penthouses behind the film site. Just make sure your script isn't set in stone, because if your lead character gets bit, you'll have to make some compromises.
Opportunity Number 4
If you don't feel that any of the above go-getter moneymaking schemes are right for you, or if cows seem a little too boring and non-deadly, consider a career in zombie ranching. The new economy is going to need a steady supply of fresh deadites, and as a zombie rancher you'll be the go-to guy (or gal!) who can get the job done. You can charge different rates depending on what your customer wants to do with the zombie; if it's for a two hour birthday party gig, charge less. If they want to go the whole nine yards and chainsaw their rental into twitching piles of moldy flesh, charge more! When your supply runs low, just hit up your local graveyard or children's hospital for restocking.
Thank you for reading and best of luck surviving the First Wave!
Date Written: January 09, 2005
Average Vote: 3