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How to Do Drugs and Make Money at the Same Time: Babysitting 101
Early New Year's eve I got a call from my neighbors. They were obviously upset and in a tight spot; their babysitter for the evening had cancelled on them, and they were late for the party they had promised to attend. Could I come over and watch Benjamin, their four year old son? "No problem", I said, because I'm always willing to help out someone in need, and I've been trying to get my neighbor's wife's pants for years.
I showed up on their doorstep half an hour later. I stubbed out the joint I had stolen from my mother's underwear drawer and rang the doorbell. "You're late" my neighbor said as he opened the door for me. "Traffic", I said. "Hit a lawn gnome on the way over?" I was too busy watching his wife struggle into a pair of black high heels to respond. She was bent over in such a way that I could see a good portion of her upper thigh, and her husband was standing here ruining a perfectly good snapshot for my spank bank.
I thought he was going to stand there and try to glare me to death all night, but the missus was in a party mood and insisted they hurry. Benjamin came out of the TV room and his face kind of squinched up in a way that said he was either recognizing me and wasn't thrilled to see me in his home or he was shitting himself. I don't know, I hate kids.
"I guess you probably want to watch a movie, huh? Kids like movies, right?" He didn't say anything, but he continued to look as though he had swallowed some sort of aggressive insect. I put in the Neverending Story, but I guess he didn't dig it much because he fell asleep all curled up on the opposite end of the couch. I woke him up during the part where the hippie kid's horse dies, because I always used to get a kick out of that when I was young.
Around 11 o'clock the kid started riding the dog around the house. I was upstairs trying to enjoy the mellow I had worked so hard on, and the fucking prom night slip-up is beating the dog with a rolled up newspaper and yelling some shit about about Gwar or something. I told him "I hope that dog knows the way to the ER, because I sure as shit ain't driving you if you crack your skullcase open". Then he said something about me not having a car since I parked it in a quarry, so I gave him half a Valium I found lying around their medicine cabinet.
The kid looked so peaceful when he was asleep, drooling on his pillow and making this cute rattling sound at the back of his throat. Just for a second it made me wish for a faulty condom or a bum morning-after pill. The dog was growling and kind of backing away from me, so I straddled him and shoved the other half of the Valium in his mouth. I rubbed his throat till I felt him swallow and beat feet for the doorway, because I don't like big, angry family dogs. Either the Valium got to him or he knocked himself out trying to exit through a closed door, because I didn't hear from him or the kid till 2005.
Later that night I got a phone call from the police. They said my neighbors had taken a corner too fast or too drunk, but either way they fused themselves with a tree and would I be kind enough to watch Ben until the family got there? I said sure but I was still a little upset because they hadn't paid me up front, and asking a crying relative for reimbursement just seemed a little tacky. Then I started to figure that it was their fault for not taking unexpected death into consideration, so I got some of Benjamin's Magic Markers and wrote "Your parents are dead" on a piece of paper and stuck it to the fridge. I thought about it and that seemed a little insensitive, so I added a big frowning face.
Then I went upstairs and took a couple pieces of his mom's jewelery, because I'm not a charity and I have to eat too. It's too bad, though. She was a fine piece of ass.
Date Written: January 09, 2005
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