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Alice picked out a seat at the back of the ride and David helped his girlfriend climb into it. He pulled himself up beside her and tugged the safety bar across their laps, hearing it click into place.
The ride made a whirring noise as it came to life. They picked up speed with every cycle and soon their car was whipping them around almost parallel to the ground. Alice began to scream and David turned to her, concerned. The ride began to tilt. They rushed toward the ground and then the sky, over and over. David felt sick.
Something was wrong. The lights of the park should have come back into view seconds ago, but he could still see only the sky and its spatter of stars. Alice was still screaming but her voice was hoarse with alarm now. He tried to understand what was going on as he groped for her hand, to comfort himself as much as her. They could see the park now. It seemed small and distant.
He knew what was happening now but could not believe. Every muscle in his body was painfully tense and he could not coax them into relaxing. Something warm and wet seeped through the seat of his jeans and he thought his bladder had let go. He squeezed Alice's hand. Her eyes were wide, incredulous, unseeing. It was her piss that was soaking into his pants.
He could see the sky again. He traced the Big Dipper with his eyes. He waited.
Date Written: January 11, 2005Comments:
Average Vote: 3.3
01/21/2005 Will Disney: 758 words!
01/21/2005 The Fanch: Yikes!
01/21/2005 TheBuyer: Holy McShit!
01/21/2005 TheBuyer: Author, I'm going to guess that you read and enjoy three different websites on a regular bases, McS's, Something Awful, and Onion. If I'm right, I don't think I'm too far off to say that you've emulated their respective styles in your first three shorts - Zombies SA, Babysitting Onion, this one McS. If I'm wrong about what you read and enjoy, you still did it, you just didn't know it. That said, I like your short, I just don't know how to rate it based on the criteria of this site.
01/21/2005 Dick Vomit (3): TheeeBuyer. Here is what I think! This "short" would have packed more punch if author had posted nothing but last paragraph. It's all there.
01/21/2005 TheBuyer (3): Yis. When in doubt, do like Vomit.
01/21/2005 The Rid: Unimpressed. Thus far resisting urge to 2-star this.
01/21/2005 Cyrus (3): I wasn't going to finish this short but I am glad I did. The last few graf's are great. It's a shame this was so long.
01/21/2005 The Rid (2): Yeah. Can't give it three. It's just trying to fuckin' hard.
01/21/2005 qualcomm: author, i will read this this weekend and let you know its objective value.
01/21/2005 TheBuyer: I think I miss-guessed the author of this short. Also, Rid, she peed on him, peed dude, for seriously.
01/21/2005 The Rid: Pee makes this funny? Buyer, my next short is called: "She peed on me and I really liked it." I expect five stars from you.
01/21/2005 Litcube (4): This is unlike me, but I'm going to four this despite its hugeness. As a personal rule, I loathe you assholes who make me wade through a fucking novel. However, the last two paragraphs were very well done, in my opinion. You conveyed a real sense of horror to this reader. Well done.
01/21/2005 TheBuyer: Pee makes a lot of things funny, I'm smiling right now just because I'm thinking about pee and how funny it is. You have to use it the right way, like the pee transferrence in this short, which you carelessly and for no discernable reason lowballed. As far as your pee short goes, you give'er my son, slosh buckets of pee into her, call it whatever pee name you're going to call it, then fold it up around a rock and drop into traffic from a high building, that way it'll have at least one memorable quality.
Also, this isn't a story that is trying to be very funny, regardless of the amount, or use of pee, vomit, and spinning. I don't think it's trying to be anything, actually, it just Is.
01/21/2005 Litcube: The pee in this short, I feel, is not a humour device.
01/21/2005 The Rid: Buyer: Christ, you only gave this a three. What the fuck? Like you've never been the dissenting vote. You judgmental prick. Fuck you.
01/21/2005 Cyrus: Fight fight...well c'mon fight damnit
01/21/2005 TheBuyer: Litcube, ya you're right it's not a laff-line per-se but the whole pee/far-away smile etc. has a high smile factor. rid, I think maybe you need a time-out!
01/21/2005 TheBuyer: rid, two more things
-stupidity is not dissent
-i forgot the second thing, seriously. Fuck.
I'll get back to you, stay in your time-out spot!
01/21/2005 TheBuyer: I got it, in regards to 2 vs 3.
3 is a respectable starting point, after that if something sways me one way or the other I try to let that sway be reflected in my rating. That said the gap between 2 and 3 is a large one. Large.
01/21/2005 The Rid: Geez. I love being told I'm stupid and that I should wait for the 2nd insult. Oh, brother.
01/21/2005 mona munt: Could you direct me to the wine coolers??!
01/21/2005 cuntry (2): i hate giving this a 2 because the effort is there and i appreciate that, but, damn it's overwritten. even if you keep all 7+ grafs, which i don't think is necessary... cut the fat and edit this mother.
01/22/2005 The Rid: Cuntry, careful what you 2-star. You might get a cleaver shoved up your ass.
01/22/2005 Phony Millions (4): Unlike the Buyer, for me the whole 'pee' thing near the end throws off the balance of this short and I lose the tone. At first we're in this cool Stephen King universe - genuine tenderness I think, not being ironic, between the father and the daughter, and some descriptions that are pretty compelling but go down smooth. There's a lot to like about the way this is written; there's a certain unaffected quality to it. But the detail of Alice's piss going down David's leg - it just doesn't sit right with the rest of it; it's incongruous and has the effect of making me think about the author. The author is no longer invisible and anonymous in my mind, and I start picturing the author...Maybe someone who's into pee? Maybe not. Anyways, I'm balancing out those two stars below; like Litcube it conveyed a cool sense of horror to me as well.
01/23/2005 Pusher Robot: The cuntry robot is malfunctioning. Do you have stairs in your home? Shoving will protect you. Shoving will protect you from the terrible sectret of space.
01/25/2005 Mr. Pony (5): I enjoyed this from start to finish, but did not know how to rate it in the context of the site, and finally decided to not. I don't think the pee was intended to be funny, but sad and human, to give you a sense of just where Alice is at. Yep. Good work. Post more, I'll read.
01/25/2005 qualcomm (3): author, the objective value of the short is three. i wish you to take that as a solid three -- nice sentiment, but i think the writing is a bit flabby. you could edit the fuck out of this thing (though some length is necessary to build up the tension). more than mcsweeney's this short reminds me of an episode from jimmy corrigan. great first sentence. here's a list of stuff i didn't like:
- "trash-speckled earth and other times toward the star-speckled sky" [trash-speckled earth, yes. star-speckled sky, no]
- "The sound was both reassuring and, for a reason he couldn't put his finger on, unsettling as well." [i think it's kind of obvious why it's unsettling; why can't this idiot put his finger on it?]
- "the bar that stood between David and Alice's life and an untimely demise" [fuck you]
- "He could see the Shooting Star and the dimness in part of the usually unbroken halo of light from the seats" [i can't understand what you mean here]
- "In her mind she was someplace far away, a place where her feet were firmly on the ground and she knew that nothing bad would ever happen to her because she was young, so young." [gay]
- last sentence - error. you should nix it entirely and end with "He waited."
01/25/2005 TheBuyer: qualcomm - McSweeney's put out a small, staple-bound short story about a thing like a ceiling dropping down slowly from space which eventually crushes a town, the tone of this reminds me of the tone of that; mostly in the resignation of the doomed. Am I mistaken, or is that Corrigan comment high-praise?
About pee. Commenting on the pee started as a big, dumb joke, sorry to lead everyone down the imbecile trail. Of course the pee was meant as a the-horror device, but it did make me smile and not because it was supposed to be funny.
01/25/2005 qualcomm: i'm not sure it's praise. the tone and setting just reminded me of corrigan.
01/26/2005 scoop (4):
03/4/2005 deliciousbrains: I'd been meaning to edit this for some time, but I just recently got back online. I've trimmed the fat so much it looks a little skeletal now, but I agreed with most of the comments about it being overwritten. It may be too late for more feedback but I'd like to know if this is better.
03/4/2005 Jon Matza: I don't remember the original but enjoyed this. Therefore, this is better.