home authors guest shorts graphical shorts
John watched his car back out of the driveway with his baby behind the wheel, it is unclear how the baby worked the pedals, a stick maybe. John didn't have a theory, he just stood there with his hand over his mouth while the infant ran a red and fishtailed into mid-day traffic.
"Josh, that light was red," he said, as the car went out of sight, "Oh, f- oh, heck, we haven't done colours yet."
He sprinted back inside the house and dialed the second 1.
"Yes, I'd like to report an uh incedent. My baby -"
My baby what? He beat me up? My baby held a broken Raffi record to my throat and took my wallet? No officer, he's 22 months old he didn't have my permission to take the car, my baby shouldn't even be driving before naptime.
He chortled into the phone, "Before naptime, huh. What? Yes, uh my baby...uh..is..well, his name is Josh, and he's almost two, and he..uh, is a boy!" Click. John cringe-moaned and sat down hard.
He punched the antennae against his head and it broke, the one at the old house retracted. He knew he was in trouble, you don't just hang up on 9-1-1. He also knew he had to call Linda and tell her about the phone.
"No, the baby," he thought, "I should start with that."
He rehearsed his opening, "Hi Linda, you know how Josh likes to play with my keys? Hi, Linda, Josh wants to talk to you, did you leave your cel in the glove-box? Linda, hi sweetie, didn't you just hate that awful phone and car and Baby Beluga record and baby person person? Aww ffffff - HECK HECK HECK! Darnit."
John put the phone down and sat with his crying, baby-smacked head in his hands. He tried to remember where he found that record, maybe the store had another one.
Date Written: January 12, 2005Comments:
Average Vote: 2.7778
01/18/2005 Will Disney: working on this one...
01/18/2005 qualcomm (3): you're giving yourself away with that spelling of "colour," author
01/18/2005 John Slocum (2): lacks something.
01/18/2005 Mr. Pony (3): I loik't the first paragraph, but I think the rest of it hurt it with regularness.
01/18/2005 anonymous: Is this your first experience with poetry?
01/18/2005 anonymous: I tried to cut away at 'John' until his testes were good and gone, but I think I knocked the teeth out this short at the same time.
01/18/2005 anonymous: (): Cool, Disney. Anonymous voting works again. Fuck this one-star short!
01/18/2005 qualcomm: sucker
01/18/2005 Dylan Danko: Is QC saying this is TheBuyer?
01/18/2005 TheBuyer: I thought he meant you.
01/18/2005 qualcomm: no, i meant you, thebuyer. or should i say, thebuter?
01/18/2005 Jon Matza: ooo, qc called you thebuter!!!!
01/18/2005 TheBuyer: aww f- HECK!
01/18/2005 anonymous: So who's the deleting malcontent that pushed this up a half day by taking out their spacer short which was only posted in the first place to avoid relegation? Eh? EH?
01/18/2005 Jon Matza: It was me!
01/18/2005 Whom: It was I.
01/18/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (4): This one had a playful quality that I couldn't deny. Plus the usage of 'heck' was charmingly Flandersish. 3.5, rounded towards the sky.
01/18/2005 Jon Matza: What was it about then, liar?
01/18/2005 Whom: Whom.
01/18/2005 Jon Matza: Whence?
01/18/2005 anonymous: Quince.
01/18/2005 The Rid (4): Personally, I dug it.
01/18/2005 Litcube: Yikes.
01/18/2005 Beige: This short is unrealistic.
01/18/2005 mona munt: Hello.
01/18/2005 anonymous: Beige, the car is mocha frost, don't be obtuse.
01/18/2005 anonymous: This short isn't sexy enough. Purrrrrr....
01/18/2005 Acme Fun Czar: You be nice to my babies. They're new to voting.
01/18/2005 Cyrus: I hope he finds another copy of that Raffi record.
01/18/2005 cuntry (2): first 2 grafs set up something way better than what was to be
01/18/2005 Phony Millions: What the f-
01/18/2005 anonymous: heck?
01/18/2005 Cyrus (2): Ok it appears John is a bit pussywipped. Raffi,heck,darnit and he has to call the wife? The kids not the story here it's John and his inability to be the MAN of the house. Is this a projection of the authors life?
01/18/2005 anonymous: Cyrus, the whole joke is that record is out of print.
01/18/2005 Cyrus: Aren't all records "out of print" currently? If that was the Joke I withdraw both my stars.
01/18/2005 anonymous: CYRUS: No, not all records are out of print. What are you, a fuckin' dick?
01/18/2005 mona munt: Cyrus, plenty of bands still produce records, or LP's.
01/18/2005 Cyrus: OH fuck another anon. So what company is currently producing records?
01/18/2005 anonymous: Plenty of bands produce records. Especially alternative bands. Come on, now.
01/18/2005 anonymous: Some DJ's actually prefer records, Cyrus.
01/18/2005 mona munt: LP's.
01/18/2005 Cyrus: I find it incredibly difficult to find vinyl in my local Virgin music store.
01/18/2005 anonymous: That's because the Virgin Megastore is a MEGASTORE and not a local record shop, you complete fool. And to contradict myself, the Virgin Megastore in Union Square, Manhattan, sells records. Or LPs, as Mona prefers.
01/18/2005 Cyrus: I do know of many music stores that sell vinyl but I have not found a "new record" in years. I also have not realy been looking. I am aware that many DJ's prefer vinyl but was under the assumption they were purchased from collectors and used sources. Again my apologies for not being hip to the scene. I still dislike the joke.
01/18/2005 anonymous: Well, I bought Radiohead's last three releases on vinyl. Cyrus, where the fuck have you been?
01/18/2005 Cyrus: I can state clearly that I was avoiding Radiohead. I prefer much older or much newer music. I again apologize for not being part of the scene. I also am pretty sure I could get a copy of whichever Raffi album the author is so heartbroken about from one of the local collectors.
01/18/2005 anonymous: Yeah, Radiohead, anon_d? What the hell is wrong with you?
01/18/2005 TheBuyer: Rid, are you d or e? I can't the players without a program.
01/18/2005 Jon Matza: Riveting stuff, guys.
01/18/2005 anonymous: Right up to about 2:00 or so, I thought the comments on this might salvage it. What a long day.
01/18/2005 The Rid: Buyer: I thought the point of clicking "anonymous" was to remain anonymous. And now you suggest that I reveal whether or not I was one of the anons? How dare you, sir!
01/18/2005 anonymous: You can also get lots of imports on vinyl. FU.
01/18/2005 John Slocum: my tits look great in vinyl.
01/18/2005 Dylan Danko: This exchange about vinyl is sickening. I hope it's all one bad joke.
01/18/2005 anonymous: Hey, ever notice how Matza's always letting all of us know how much he disapproves of anonymous runs and fake identity hi-jinks? It's almost like he's making sure that we know with his very public denouncements. Kind of makes you wonder, don't it? Don't it?
01/18/2005 Benny Maniacs (4): I agree with everyone except the blokes who voted two or three on this. There's a certain incomprehensible strangeness to the interior thinking I rather enjoyed, mate! Go Britania!
01/18/2005 anonymous: Cheers Benny!
01/18/2005 Jon Matza: Anon_e: however true, I don't see how your point relates to anything I said below. I wasn't attacking anonymity (here)--I was objecting to how insanely boring your 'record' conversation was. I expect you will exercise greater intellectual rigor in the future.
01/19/2005 Shane Mahoney (1): The Northern Cod stock is poorly understood — obviously so.
01/19/2005 TheBuyer: Ha! Gotcha fucker, I just a bible to your house.
01/19/2005 TheBuyer: Ha! Gotcha fucker, I just *sent* a bible to your house.