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It was the usual crowd, it looked like. Adorable mop-headed tots sitting cross legged, hunched over, half-lidded, and mouths agape in the living room, parents in the background, birthday balloons and wrapping paper everywhere.
“Hey, kids! Whose a big boy today,” I gayed. I fixed my attention on the center toddler. I can’t get enough of that still grin of anticipation. Really, that’s what this clown gig is all about: the kids.
Out of the goofy duffle bag I produced an equally goofy little car jack. Flamboyantly, I fit the mini-jack into my mouth and pumped the handle until things were taut, forcing my jaw to a wide maw. The treble of their thin giggles is what keeps me doing what I do. You know what I mean?
As I pumped the tiny jack, click by click, my jaw was forced wider. At the first crack of cartilage, my face turned into a deep set frown of concentration, and I began to sweat.
Forcing my eyes into an arched smile, I raised a comforting gloved hand to some of the parents and their concerned faces.
Anyway, at 7 cm beyond my jaw's most obtuse angle, the pain was getting to the point where I could start to feel it in other parts of my body. I tried my utmost to smile for the kids as my face was a distorted mess of intense horror. My chin was at the base of my neck, and at this point, my inner screaming was likely audible. As I dropped to my knees from the cloudy pain, one child started to bolt in terror, but I snapped my fingers, pointed, and motioned for him to sit down.
On cue, a sound like a crushed watermelon filled the room and my perverted jaw twisted to the left and unhinged itself. I tell ya, it’s hard to stifle the roars of hideous pain when I get to this stage. Quickly, I stuffed the bowling ball in my mouth. “Ta da,” I screamed in horror, arms spread.
Date Written: January 12, 2005Comments:
Average Vote: 4.64286
01/24/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (4): Ha! A simple tale, but I enjoyed it. "Whose" really grated on me, though.
01/24/2005 qualcomm (5): not to mention "taught"
01/24/2005 Jawbreaker (4): My jaw hurts and it's definitly not from giving blow jobs last night.
01/24/2005 Will Disney: With a name like Jawbreaker, how could you *not* like this Short, Jawbreaker?
01/24/2005 Will Disney: First sentence of the second paragraph is funny, by Acme standards at least.
01/24/2005 scoop (5): A modern day Hunger Artist, kind of.
01/24/2005 The Rid: Can't decide on four or five.
01/24/2005 Dick Vomit (5): affirm!/agree!
01/24/2005 Jawbreaker: Jawbreaker enjoys shorts about breaking jaws! I thought this short was descriptive and funny. "I raised a comforted gloved hand..."
01/24/2005 TheBuyer (5): "Five stars!" I gayed.
01/24/2005 The Rid (5): Heh. Yeah, "I gayed."
01/24/2005 Pusher Robot: Do you have stairs in your house? Humans must be shoved.
01/24/2005 Jon Matza (4): Enjoyed this. In addition to the minor flaws already noted though, how did the face turn into "a deep set frown of concentration" if his mouth's already a "wide maw" that's being still further jacked open?
01/24/2005 Mr. Pony: Because a down-turned mouth is only one part of a frown!
01/24/2005 Mr. Pony (5):
01/24/2005 anonymous: Matza, open your mouth as wide as you possibly can. Now frown as hard as you can. Check it out in the mirror. It's horrible, I think.
01/24/2005 Jon Matza: It IS horrible, but only in the sense that frowning takes more muscles than smiling.
01/25/2005 cuntry (4): Oww.
02/2/2005 Mr. Pony: Man, this is great.
02/5/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs: In retrospect, I should have five starred this. This is really stupendous work, and I should not have let a petty little thing like grammar affect my vote. I owe you one, Cubey.
02/10/2005 John Slocum (5): YES! nice work.
03/10/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum (4):
03/10/2005 Jon Matza: Yes, I should've 5'ed this. This has been a tough quarter.
03/31/2005 deliciousbrains (5):
09/29/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs: Still regretting that I 4'd it.
12/16/2009 Ferucio P. Chhretan (5): Ferucio coming in from the future to vote on this.