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When I die I plan on making it as uncomfortable as possible for as many people as I can.
I am engaged in a legal process that, if successful, will ensure that the following conditions be observed after my death.
1. The song Highway to Hell will be played on an endless loop at my funeral.
2. All attendees to my wake and graveside service must wear their underwear outside their clothing. Anyone that does not comply will be turned away, especially my mother.
3. I am to be buried with my dog, regardless of whether he is deceased or not.
4. My body is to be arranged so that I am flashing twin metal signs, so everyone knows that even in death, I am hardcore. The wake is to be open-casket.
5. The after-party will serve only malt liquor in 40 ounce containers. Attendees must pour the first ounce onto the earth and say "to my dead homie, who is up in Heaven sipping Cristal with Tupac and Biggie".
6. All my belongings are to be sealed inside a safe and deposited in the ocean. Anyone who donates any of my possessions to charity will be haunted without prejudice.
7. Everyone must cry at my service. Anyone unable to shed a tear will be assisted by a large black man who will kick them in the genitals.
8. People will still be required to buy me presents on my birthday. All gifts must be of a dollar value of at least $100 American. Haunting will result from violation of this condition.
9. My boyfriend must take a vow of chastity after my demise.
10. My tombstone will include my name, birth date, date of death and the phrase "brb".
Date Written: January 12, 2005Comments:
Average Vote: 3.4545
01/31/2005 Dick Vomit (4): I'll bite, you twat.
01/31/2005 TheBuyer (4): I'll bite her twat too.
01/31/2005 Ferucio P. Chhretan (4): Number 5 and 7 actually happened at my Mom's funeral.
01/31/2005 Cyrus (4): Brb man brb.
01/31/2005 TheBuyer: Hey Ferucio!
01/31/2005 The Rid: I want to take off a star for the "Delicious Brains" mention at the end. It really annoyed me. Will wait and see if it still annoys me enough later to drop this to three stars.
01/31/2005 Litcube (3): 3.5!
01/31/2005 Litcube: Oh, fuck. Author, that was supposed to be rounded up. I'm an asshole. My apologies.
01/31/2005 Mr. Pony (4): Hey, Delicious Brains, are you really a team? Or is that just an expression? This reminds me of your zombie short--fairly mainstream, nothing really unexpected, but funny nonetheless. Here's a four stars!
01/31/2005 The Rid: I just can't vote. I want to give this short four stars, but the Delicious Brains reference makes we want to round down. Will withhold until later.
01/31/2005 Litcube: Rid, if I may suggest: Immediately following your three star vote, proclaim "Damnit! I fucked up! That was supposed to be a four! Fuck!"
01/31/2005 The Rid: Litcube: You clever, clever guest, you! Indeed, that seems a good idea.
01/31/2005 cuntry (3): 3 was funny as hell for some reason, more than the rest. just plain selfish rather than cynically selfish
01/31/2005 The Rid (3): 3.49 rounded down for previously stated reasons.
01/31/2005 Dick Vomit: Is Delicious Brains a girl?
01/31/2005 Litcube: I HOPE NOT! [does a twirl, skips]
01/31/2005 Jawbreaker (4): Nice comment Litcube!
01/31/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (2): I enjoyed the fresh archetype, but felt that many of the jokes fell flat. I felt it would have been funnier to elaborate on the legal process rather than simply repeat over and over what essentially amounted to the same conditions or punishments (haunting, thug/hardcore, how to behave at the service, etc)
01/31/2005 The Rid: Admittedly, 4 & 5 are pretty funny.
02/1/2005 John Slocum (3):