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We were on the trail of a fantastic buck mule deer: 14-point and at least 10 hands high. An exemplar of the North American model of conservation. Our natural rezources made flesh.
It was a cold, rainy October on the southern escarpment of Mt. Rainier. Our guide, Lambert Great Moon had led us on a forced march after this magnificent beast for the past three sleepless days, following its musky spore trail on the fronds of Rainier's lush ferns. Well it was finally paying off: I had his virile haunches in my sights. I released my caribou horn-tipped arrow and watched it penetrate the animal's shapely flanks. It dropped in the wet snow.
We rushed over to check our kill. Kneeling, I caressed its warm, velvety musculature.
"Beautiful animal," I remarked, placing the chamois in which I'd collected some of his rich, unmistakable spore up to my mouth. It was the same one all right.
Still, something felt wrong. A sense of unfulfillment weighed my bosom. Hunting was the way in which man experienced a deeper understanding of the connection between birth and death, but I felt incomplete.
to be continued... [Sorry for the delay, folks, but the Butte Public Library, where I access the Internet, doesn't open until 2:30 EST!]
Date Written: January 13, 2005Comments:
Author: Shane Mahoney
Average Vote: 2.7778
02/1/2005 The Rid: Did someone put in a placeholder and forget it was a placeholder?
02/1/2005 Ewan Snow: What are you talking about? This one's good.
02/1/2005 Mr. Negative (5): Place holder or not, this brings the lustre crashing to a new low. FUCK YEAH!!
02/1/2005 The Rid: Snow, it was just a question. Sheesh!
02/1/2005 Ewan Snow: Okay, Rid, but you know, I was, like, joking. Sheesh! Actually, it is a sort of funny sentence, but still...
02/1/2005 Dick Vomit (1): My comment (optional):
02/1/2005 Jawbreaker: I don't think I get it.
02/1/2005 The Rid: What's to get? I think it's a pretty solid undertaking. Just like my stool this morning.
02/1/2005 Jawbreaker: I think that is more information I needed to know, Rid.
02/1/2005 anonymous: Again, I apologize. I hope you will judge this short based on its merits: that is, insofar as it addresses the pressing issue of how we are moving forward in our application of the North American ideal of preservation and the stewardship of our vital natural rezources.
02/1/2005 The Rid: OMG!!! Shane Mahoney writes a short!
02/1/2005 Dick Vomit: Before reading the full short, I apologize for the 1-bomb. Considering it was Author's first submission, I did not expect the correction.
02/1/2005 Litcube: I thought hunting in a national park was illegal, based on certain laws pertaining to the conservation of natural rezources.
02/1/2005 TheBuyer (1): I fail to see how this addresses the post-revolution statement of Socialism in the Castro rule of Cuba and how the second insurgent revolution in the mountains was later crushed.
02/1/2005 Mr. Negative: You know, Mahoney, I fail to see how this piece addresses the pressing issue of how we are moving forward in our application of the North American ideal of preservation and the stewardship of our vital natural rezources. Someone corrective 1-star this fucker for my jumping to conclusions fiveness.
02/1/2005 Mr. Negative: PS, Mahoney, you're an asshole.
02/1/2005 anonymous: Litcube: you are correct, but we were part of a federally deputized cull team. The failure of the rictus crane to nest in Rainier's tidal marshes that year had had a ripple effect throughout the ecosystem, resulting in a catastrophically large mule deer herd.
02/1/2005 The Rid (1): Gotcha covered, Mr. Negative.
02/1/2005 The Rid: Thanks, Rid. Go fuck yourself.
02/1/2005 The Rid: Great. This is what happens when I let my colleagues use my computer. What the hell is going on here?
02/1/2005 TheBuyer: o burn.
02/1/2005 Ewan Snow: This has some highly qualcomm language. Chamois, for instance. QC, are you sure you aren't Shane Mahoney? I know Pony presented compelling evidence that it was scoop, but this has some real qc verbiage.
02/1/2005 qualcomm: jesus christ, i'm being indicted on chamois? this is an outrage. i can see you still haven't let go of our argument, snow.
02/1/2005 qualcomm: i mean, it may be you. after all, he used the word haunches.
02/1/2005 ElTwisto (1): Viva.
02/1/2005 Ewan Snow: Oh, cram it qc. Your silly suggestion that my suspicion of you is based on our recent argument only implicates you further. Your denial seems a little too frothy, I must say. Also, "rezources" seems to indicate you as well. Plus, I don't mind that you're Shane Mahoney. It's cool. And just to humor you, who else could it be?
02/1/2005 qualcomm: pony says he has irrefutable evidence it's scoop.
02/1/2005 qualcomm: (though i think he was framed)
02/1/2005 Mr. Negative: Rid, since you can't even control your own keyboard, I must suggest that you too are a jerk.
02/1/2005 The Rid: Thanks. Now I feel bad for 1-starring this short. What do you care if Shane Mahoney is a bum?
02/1/2005 Ewan Snow: So does Buyer. Here's the evidence Pony posted.
02/1/2005 Mr. Negative: Fuck you, Rid. And fuck Snow and Qualcomm for bringing their pissing contesst into another short.
02/1/2005 The Rid: Yeesh! Senor Negativo, now you've bloody well done it.
02/1/2005 Mr. Negative: Rid, you're a dick.
02/1/2005 anonymous: Ya screw you, Rid!
02/1/2005 The Rid: I think I've had enough.
02/1/2005 anonymous: Tip: to hone your tracking skills, there's no better practice than dissecting and studying your own scat.
02/1/2005 anonymous: My guess is The Rid wrote this fine piece of scat.
02/1/2005 The Rid: Well, I can say that I didn't write this one. Sorry, anon_b.
02/1/2005 Litcube: So, Rid, now you're Jawbreaker and Mr. Negative?
02/1/2005 The Rid: Cube, I admit nothing. Though some of my colleagues have started snooping around Acme and it's possible that in the newsroom, we cross logins (there aren't enough computers for all of us).
I am neither Mr. Negative nor Jawbreaker.
02/1/2005 Litcube: IT WAS JUST A QuESTION! SHEEESH!!!! FUCK!
02/1/2005 TheBuyer: You mean classmates, not colleagues though, right?
02/1/2005 Cyrus: classroom?
02/1/2005 The Rid: Hilarious, Buyer. Sorry, Litcube.
02/1/2005 TheBuyer: Radio school joke, de nada.
02/1/2005 Mr. Pony: Hey, Litcube, I noticed that, too. One after another, one minute apart. (3:42:17 - 3:45:12) Never seen an argument happen that fast!
02/1/2005 Mr. Pony: Wait a minute, you expect us to believe that you dropped a full-grown caribou with one shot, with an arrow, in the ass? Shane Mahoney, I used to believe in you. I used to believe in you, but now I think you're a fraud, a blue-tipped L.L. Bean fraud. Get away from me. Don't touch me.
02/1/2005 Mr. Pony: Mr. Pony, I fail to see how your feelings address the pressing issue of how we are moving forward in our application of the North American ideal of preservation and the stewardship of our vital natural rezources.
02/1/2005 Mr. Pony: Stomach Foot here.
02/1/2005 TheBuyer: You get your bible yet, smarty pants?
02/2/2005 Litcube: Mr. Pony is going crazy. :( He is going crazy because he is talking to himself. He is also going crazy because he thinks a mule dear is a caribou. :(
He's right on his other point, though, as a Canadian wildlife expert and notorious hunter, Shaun, you should know to aim for the lungs & heart, and with that bow, you'll be tracking a blood trail for quite some time before your buck’s down.
02/2/2005 Litcube: deer
02/2/2005 Mr. Pony: Right, Mule deer. You all see where my mistake was, right?
02/2/2005 Litcube: The fact that you went crazy?
02/2/2005 Mr. Pony: Why, you...!
02/2/2005 Mr. Pony: °_°
02/2/2005 Mr. Pony:
02/2/2005 scoop (5):
02/2/2005 Mr. Pony: (): Yeah, this isn't so bad.
02/2/2005 Jon Matza: Sure enough, it's a good short. Folks, if acme's going to maintain any credibility, credit must be given where it's due, regardless of feelings being hurt and/or frustration over the bad faith voting antics of Mahoney, the "alliance" and others. As someone pointed out today, money only works if people believe in it. Likewise, this is a tricky time for acme because our star-based currency is in danger of becoming discredited/meaningless thanks to the increase in voter fraud perpetrated by the alliance and other disgruntled parties. The inevitable long-term effect: our attention will get increasingly deflected into grievances, arguments, power struggles etc instead of good writing, comedy & criticism.
Take a stand against corruption, authors, and vote based on merit, not personal considerations (revenge, hurt feelings, desire to win, etc)! Don't be tempted to balloon your own average at the expense of the community's well-being! Don't freak out if you get a few undeserved one stars! Etc! Thank you!
02/2/2005 TheBuyer: guilty as charged. my vow
02/2/2005 Ewan Snow (4): Okay.
02/2/2005 Mr. Pony (3): Matza's right, folks, and I hope you've all learned your lesson here. Hopefully the fake votes that scoop & I laid down have shown you all that not only are you voting on the short and not the author, but that this statement is value-neutral--scratch-my-back voting is as stupid and impotent as revenge voting. With every vote cast stupidly, you decrease the value of the next vote; not just yours, but everyone's. Voting alliances, creating fake identities to applaud your shorts--You're all only cheating yourselves, even if you don't get caught. Good job, assholes.
As for this short, aside from the language, just about the only thing interesting about it us that it spectacularly fails to live up to Shane Mahoney's central thesis, except in the mind, perhaps, of the narrator. Charming of language, bereft of weight, although the weight it claims to have is kind of funny. 2.5, rounded up TO 3 because THAT'S WHAT YOU FUCKING DO WHEN ROUNDING X.5--YOU FUCKING ROUND UP TO X + 1, IDIOTS. X.4999 etc. IS ROUNDED DOWN TO X. NOW, X.49 WITH A REPETEND BAR OVER THE NINE IS UP ROUNDED TO X.5, AND THUSLY TO X + 1. FOR SOME REASON, .9 REPETEND IS CONSIDERED EQUIVALENT TO 1, AND SO ON. I DON'T KNOW WHY. DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHY?
02/2/2005 TheBuyer: oh fuck it, I'm taking a break.
02/2/2005 Mr. Joshua: Z-Dog: Has it occured to you that your statement:
"Likewise, this is a tricky time for acme because our star-based currency is in danger of becoming discredited/meaningless thanks to the increase in voter fraud perpetrated by the alliance and other disgruntled parties. The inevitable long-term effect: our attention will get increasingly deflected into grievances, arguments, power struggles etc instead of good writing, comedy & criticism." is exactly the Paradigm Shift that Cyrus and I have been talking about? Maybe it's time you re-considered the Alliance. You too, Pony.
02/2/2005 Mr. Pony: How does the alliance stand on the activity of rounding?
02/2/2005 Mr. Joshua: The Alliance is in full agreeance with your rounding theories, Pony. Whenever I do one of those cutesy votes, if I want to round down, I vote .4444 repetend. I think you would be really happy over here, and we could certainly use your immense talents.
02/2/2005 Dylan Danko (4): This short is a parody of a particular hunting show on a particular hunting channel watched by me, Scoop and QC. So, Shane is one of those two assholes.
02/2/2005 anonymous: sentence 2, paragraph 4 contains the solution to the question of shane mahoney
02/2/2005 anonymous: It is obvious Mr. Mahoney is not a hunter at all. This "buck mule deer" at 10 hands tall would be to old for a legitimate hunter to shoot. Would only be done as a trophy so this deer was not shot by an environmentally conscious person.
02/2/2005 Shane Mahoney: anon_d: Sir, I don't know to which continent's model of rezource management you subscribe, but here in North America, we cull the oldest animals to preserve the youth and vitality of the herd as a whole.
02/2/2005 Mr. Pony: With a arrow in tha azz?
02/2/2005 anonymous: The standard model for North American Rezource Management indicates culling of immature animals. The older/larger (10 hands!!) animals are left to allow the genetic traits to be passed down and enhance the future of the herd. The immature animals are taken in much greater #'s (than standard model allows) to prevent overgrazing of the natural rezources we all cherish. Any animal as old as this mule would be tough and taste much like the "spore" Mr. Mahoney is so fond of sniffing.
02/2/2005 Ewan Snow: That "Sir" further implicates qualcomm.
02/2/2005 Mr. Pony: Hi, Snow! Wake up!
02/2/2005 Shane Mahoney: I am often asked in my various appearances on the Natural Resource (sic) speaking circuit whether pyrethrum complies with the developing standards of the North American model of natural rezource management. It was during my research into waterfowl parasites during the mid-80s that I discovered pyrethrum. My answer is a qualified yes. So long as the pyrethrum is bio-degradable, as it is in Johnson’s pigeon sprays, and not a hazard to Nature’s immediate treasured biome, it receives my endorsement. Ideally, the best treatment for waterfowl parasites is an all-natural slurry first discovered by Newfoundland’s native Labrador Metis Indain Nation. However the treatment was developed through the spiritual harvesting of a number of plants indigenous to our proud nation, and thus difficult to share with my brother-stewards.
02/2/2005 anonymous: Stop repeating yourself.
02/2/2005 Jon Matza: Mr. Joshua-I didn't see your below reply till just now, but already sort of replied with my (unresponded to) message board postings here & here. Sure, I can see your purpose is to make voting (even more) meaningless, sow chaos and change acme’s paradigm to the reality show-like, cutthroat free-for-all atmosphere I described below. I just can’t figure out why. Personal power/glory? A lesson to the authors? Simple desire to show how the system can be outsmarted? Actual philosophical opposition to the current structure/belief that acme will be objectively better post-shift? If the last of these is truly part of your motive, would you be willing to explain your vision & why you think it'll make for a better/more interesting acme? These questions are neutral, I'm genuinely curious. Apologies to those who find this overly serious &/or boring.