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"To be accurate, I only drink when I'm already high on something else, so maybe you should just tone down that whole "alcoholic rage" speech and concentrate on my other substance abuse, huh?

Maybe my coke bugs are the problem this time, did you think of that? Did you think of my coke bugs? No. No, you didn't. Drunk people are incapacitated by one, maybe two shots with a taser at the most, at the MOST. I took six. Six is more than one or two - it's six.

And another thing, while we're on the subject of all of the things that I do that you don't like me to do because they're 'bad' and I do them, as in 'use' them, where do you get off saying that all the marijuana cigarettes I smoke make me stupid? That's absurd. Marijuana cigarettes represent a small percent of the things that I smoke and you know it, so you stop, you just go ahead and you stop right this very instant and you just think about the other things that I do.

You've seen my penis, everyone has seen my penis, and do you know why that is important to this conversation right now even though it may seem like I'm just looking for a reason to intruduce the word 'penis'? I'll remind you, I don't need an excuse to intruduce the word 'penis', I could have said the word 'penis' many times for no reason, but I have a reason and I'll show you. See? See my penis? Look at my penis. It has shrunk a great deal. A very great deal, my penis has shrunk, hasn't it? Yes. You can't reasonably expect alcoholic beverages and marijuana cigarettes to shrink a penis, can you? No, you can't, so where is your argument now that you've seen my tiny shrunken penis? The crank shrunk my penis, not the booze. Crank isn't booze, is it? No, it's amphetamines, methamphetamines.

See, now who sounds stupid? You can lay off of my drinking, I'm fine."

Date Written: January 13, 2005
Author: TheBuyer
Average Vote: 2.7

Comments:
01/19/2005 Jon Matza: Author: I don't feel like tackling this morbidly obese paragraph. It looks like no one does, either. Would it kill you and your rant to insert some paragraph breaks? WOULD IT???
01/19/2005 anonymous: nope.
01/19/2005 qualcomm: decent execution of a shitbag joke
01/19/2005 TheBuyer: This is way undercooked.
01/19/2005 Mr. Pony (4): Enter Pony.
01/19/2005 Cyrus (4): Now that I've seen your penis I really don't have an argument.
01/19/2005 qualcomm (2):
01/19/2005 The Rid (2): Weak.
01/19/2005 Jon Matza (2): Thx for the paragraphs. Unfortunately, the short itself amounts to a drain on acme's natural lustre-rezources.
01/19/2005 Litcube (2): Ploop!
01/19/2005 cuntry (3):
01/19/2005 Dylan Danko (3):
01/19/2005 John Slocum (2): What about wine?
01/19/2005 the slut: ooOoOoOooOo get high with me! OOOOooOooO tackle my tits! ngGU ngGU ngGU sporty tent-tent fucky gooood? OOoOOooOOOoooo
01/19/2005 anonymous: I think some of you cunts owe Mr. Pony an apology. (You know who you are!)
01/20/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (3):
01/20/2005 John Slocum: Matza, did you correctly use 'either' down below there? Maybe you did, but maybe it's superfluous. Something about it bothers me. Your use of 'either' bothers me.
01/20/2005 Mr. Pony: Maybe if he had said, "no one else does, either"? I mean, I don't know grammar for nothin', but my ears are okay.
01/20/2005 Jon Matza: Yes, I forgot 'else'. I, Matza, was wrong!
01/20/2005 Mr. Pony: Dude, it's fine. You know what? I think it's the "else" that's superfluous, when you really look at it. Maybe you're the one who's right.
01/20/2005 John Slocum: Pony, you are the nastiest, most sadistic person I think I've ever come to know.
01/21/2005 Pusher Robot: The Slocum robot is malfunctioning. Pony, go and stand by the stairs. Go and stand by the stairs so I can protect you. We push the bread down their throats.