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"So I had sex with my ex-girlfriend last night," I said.

"Oh, man," said Jim. "You know what happens when you sleep with her."

I nodded. "Yeah, she started crying afterward."

Jim said, "Did she ask, 'God, why did I sleep with you if you're just going to get up and leave?'"

"Yeah."

"What'd you do?"

"What else could I do?" I said. "I hit her in the face with a brick."

"Then what?"

"Well, the crying stopped." I stirred some sugar into my coffee. "Now I gotta go over there and vacuum all the semen out of her vagina. And pour some acid in there to get rid of the DNA. Then I gotta kill the dog and set the place on fire."

"Full day," said Jim.

"Yep."

"Need some help?"

"Yep."

Jim looked at his Palm Pilot. "How about 6:30?"

"Works."

"Alright," Jim stood up and put on his coat. "See you later."

"Later," I said.

Date Written: January 17, 2005
Author: The Rid
Average Vote: 3.4

Comments:
02/3/2005 Jawbreaker: Another woman hating short that made me laugh!
02/3/2005 Dick Vomit: Perhaps, Jawbreaker, it is YOU who is the real misogynist! [?]
02/3/2005 anonymous: Thanks, Jawbreaker!
02/3/2005 The Rid: Pretty funny, I think.
02/3/2005 Jawbreaker (5): Maybe you are right DV. Maybe I DO hate my own kind. Those bitches. Just for that this gets a high rating.
02/3/2005 Cyrus (5): Jim is a true friend.
02/3/2005 anonymous: Everyone needs a friend like Jim.
02/3/2005 Litcube: You are meanies.
02/3/2005 anonymous: What are you talking about? Jim's a good guy!
02/3/2005 Daphne: I get the feeling that this guy is making up the whole story to hide what REALLY happened.
02/3/2005 Cyrus: Jim is a great guy author!
02/3/2005 Litcube (2):
02/3/2005 The Rid: Want to five this, but not sure yet.
02/3/2005 Mr. Pony: Will it count?
02/3/2005 The Rid: Pony, I'm shocked that you think I would stoop to such levels. Shocked, sir.
02/3/2005 Mr. Pony (2): Anyway, the ratings and implied ratings on this one are ridiculous, and I thank Litcube for bringing reason to the table (!). The laundry list of violence is sophomoric, and even the exchanges intended to be mundane seem really forced. And Daphne, your explanation is interesting, but there's really not enough to support it. Author, the Palm Pilot was a nice touch.
02/3/2005 anonymous: Well, Mr. Pony, I can't change your vote or your mind, but whatever. It's supposed to be mundane (I disagree that it's forced) and the "sophomoric" violence itself is presented in a way that suggests it's no more important than a list of things to do at work over the course of the day, thereby making it just another "thing" that happens; I find that funny. I get the feeling that you throw in with Litcube more as a corrective measure than an "I really feel this way" measure. But what do I know?
02/3/2005 cuntry (3): This sort of dies fter the brick-hit, no pun intended. It was off to a rockin' start though.
02/3/2005 TheBuyer (2): Anyone over here not sucking it? No? Okay, then I can continue.
If this short were a radio commercial for a body-dissolving product it would read like this mostly and I would switch to a talk station. Dialogue without a context is something I have bad dreams about. Also I am very, VERY ill today and spent half an hour petting a My Little Pony and I could be wrong but I think that she winked at me.
02/3/2005 Mr. Pony: Author, I admit that the reasons for the fives ("DV has uncovered the possibility that I don't like women"; "I used to be TREE"; and "I want to") caused me a little irritation, and for a moment I was tempted to drop a corrective one, but I feel that one-star votes should be reserved for those times when the author is going out of his or her way to be a fucking moron, and I'm beginning to believe that corrective votes are a dangerous thing to get involved in. As for the joke of this short, believe it or not, I actually get that these guys are talking about doing something bad the same way they'd talk about helping a friend move to a new apartment. I understand that the (strangely redundant) moves to eradicate evidence are supposed to be mundane, and therefore funny, but I stand by my statement that the list itself is indeed "sophomoric". Furthermore, the joke of two men standing around talking in a Joe Friday tone about their deviant sexuality or illegal activities doesn't feel terribly new to me, and frankly this particular execution is a little on the clumsy side. The fact that it's an old joke, I guess, is fine, but to suggest that I'm "throwing in" with Litcube to "correct" for some fives is a little silly. This short is pretty clearly a two, as far as I'm concerned. Others may think different things, and that's okay!!
02/3/2005 Mr. Pony: Author, I admit that the reasons for the fives ("DV has uncovered the possibility that I don't like women"; "I used to be TREE"; and "I want to") caused me a little irritation, and for a moment I was tempted to drop a corrective one, but I feel that one-star votes should be reserved for those times when the author is going out of his or her way to be a fucking moron, and I'm beginning to believe that corrective votes are a dangerous thing to get involved in. As for the joke of this short, believe it or not, I actually get that these guys are talking about doing something bad the same way they'd talk about helping a friend move to a new apartment. I understand that the (strangely redundant) moves to eradicate evidence are supposed to be mundane, and therefore funny, but I stand by my statement that the list itself is indeed "sophomoric". Furthermore, the joke of two men standing around talking in a Joe Friday tone about their deviant sexuality or illegal activities doesn't feel terribly new to me, and frankly this particular execution is a little on the clumsy side. The fact that it's an old joke, I guess, is fine, but to suggest that I'm "throwing in" with Litcube to "correct" for some fives is a little silly. This short is pretty clearly a two, as far as I'm concerned. Others may think different things, and that's okay!!
02/3/2005 Jon Matza: I, Matza, will now dispense my lofty, authoritative assessment: a tired, calculated shock-type premise redeemed & made effective to a degree by the simple, restrained execution. There will be no more discussion of this short.
02/3/2005 Mr. Pony: Okay, folks, you can ignore one of those posts. Don't matter which.
02/3/2005 Mr. Pony: One second, Matza. I'm interested to hear Cyrus' & Jawbreaker's reasons for liking this short!
02/3/2005 Mr. Pony: And then I'll totally fight you over this one, if you want.
02/3/2005 Mr. Pony: you diner-style electroplated chrome double-tall napkin dispenser
02/3/2005 Jawbreaker: Maybe the idea of this short wasn't original in your eyes Pony, but I thought that having Jim hitting her in the face with a brick was pretty darn funny and unexpected. When I first started reading it I thought it would go in a different direction like him calling her a slut and kicking her out or calling her a bad lay. But I was pleasantly surprised by the violence and the agreement of his friend helping him dispose of the body with no questions asked. I thought this this short deserved a 5!
02/3/2005 Jon Matza: heliarch-welded, extra shiny chrome triple-tall, try
02/3/2005 Mr. Pony: Where's Mr. Negative? Why hasn't Mr. Negative weighed in? Or, I guess, why has he not weighted in?
02/3/2005 Mr. Pony: Triple-tall! Pfffft! As IF!!!
02/3/2005 Mr. Negative: I try not to get involved when I have positive feelings for a short. Jerk.
02/3/2005 Mr. Pony: What about you, Rid? (Matza, my abrupt exhale was totally out of line, and I apologize.)
02/3/2005 The Rid: Hey, I wrote it. I can't comment on it.
02/3/2005 anonymous: Matza, I appreciate your comment.
02/3/2005 anonymous: And Pony, I want to thank you for the link to Webster's Online. Nothing like a little insult added to injury.
02/3/2005 anonymous: Really, Buyer, you give the jalapeno short three stars and this two? I have a lot of respect for you, but come on.
02/3/2005 anonymous: And Pony, I never accused you of not getting it.
02/3/2005 Cyrus: I am aware that this is an old joke however it was delivered well. The "well, the crying stopped" delivered as he stirs his coffee and Jim checking his Palm Pilot to schedule the cleaning of the scene were well timed. The overall effect of this was so pulp fiction I couldn't not laugh. Yes I am aware of the author and still detest his lazy recycled ideas and comments, but the short deserved the 5*'s.
I still think you should hold your breath for a few years Rid.
02/3/2005 Mr. Pony: Well, you put my word in quotes, so I thought I'd throw it back at you, linking to a definition. I see now that maybe that was overly harsh. My intent may have been to insult you, but not to injure you, and I apologize.
02/3/2005 Dick Vomit (3): Hey, people. I'm a person, too! We're all people here, right? am I right? This just ain't no 5. And that's all there is to it. We're still all people, people!
02/3/2005 Litcube: Rid, Mr. Negative, Jawbreaker, etc.: For me, this short fell extra flat due to the lack of detail; youíve used stark white droll tone to little benefit. Sometimes this extra embossment of flavour isn't necessary, but in a premise such as this: "dude clubs chick with brick / banal plan of clean up", I feel ripped off. What Iím saying here, is that I feel violated and empty, and that your strategy for rendering my insides barren of hope and caring brings me closer to the monster inside us all. So I blame you. For everything.

You owe me.
02/3/2005 The Rid: Cube, I have to ask why you lump Jawbreaker and I into the same category? Do you really still think we're the same person? I can assure you, we're not. Lack of detail? Isn't that the idea? I think so.
02/3/2005 Litcube: Do I still think that, you ask... [quivering lip, clutching stomach]
02/3/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum (3): I agree with pony. I did like the delivery, but knew where it was going, etc.
02/3/2005 Dick Vomit: Hey, The Rid. That seems like an odd Q to ask ol' Cuber. I mean, he just mentioned Jawbreaker and Mr. Negs, and you bring up...HEY!
02/3/2005 Jawbreaker: Hey DV... this is Jawbreaker. I am not the Rid. But if you guys keep on insisting I am a dude than fine. I will not defend myself anymore about it.
02/3/2005 Mr. Pony: Mr. Negative? I have a question for you.
02/3/2005 TheBuyer: Leave the lady alone, she obviously lives in a separate head from The Rid. Mr. Negative, don't you want to know what the question from Mr. Pony is?
02/3/2005 Mr. Pony: I think he's trying to answer it.
02/3/2005 Mr. Negative: Alright, goddamnit, what's the question?
02/3/2005 Benny Maniacs (4): Four for rythm.
03/10/2005 Mr. Negative (5): Mr. Negative weighs in again. FU.
03/10/2005 anonymous: I think the word "weigh" has implications that don't apply here!