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"Oh, yeah? You like that? Who's your daddy? WHO'S YOUR DADDY?"

Phil pumped his hips at the mirror. But, it was okay - he was fucking Carla in his head. WHO - IS - YOUR - DADDY? He pumped harder and shot a very real wad of cum onto the imaginary Carla's stomach. It slipped down the mirror several inches. He let it stick, taking pleasure in the fact that he could forgo his usual dash to the bathroom for a hand towel. Seminal fluid made Carla itch. It irritated her lily white skin. God she was white. Like a lily.

He leaned in and pumped the mirror again. The bulge in his tricep struck him as not quite defined. He'd have to take that up with Kenny at their next session. There were several matters to discuss with Kenny: the creotine, his thoughts on power sets, and then that ball Kenny had in his calf. Phil wanted the ball. The bulge that defined the lower leg. He'd stop by the gym on his way to work. In the meantime, he tweaked his position until the tricep activated.

He took a look at his hips, to see how they were looking, make sure he still had that indentation around his pelvic bone. As he surveyed his surface, Phil's mother walked in carrying a basket of laundry. They made eye contact through the mirror.

She looks tired, thought Phil. And old. Not taking care of herself. She'd put on a good twenty pounds since he moved home. "On the bed," he barked. "And I hope you used the Downy this time."

Date Written: January 19, 2005
Author: cuntry
Average Vote: 3.5

02/4/2005 The Rid: Hmm.
02/4/2005 Will Disney: It's a good thing his mom didn't walk in a few minutes earlier.
02/4/2005 Mr. Pony (4):
02/4/2005 The Rid (2): I feel like giving this a corrective one, but that's too assholish.
02/4/2005 Jawbreaker (4):
02/4/2005 Cyrus (4): "It irritated her lily white skin. God she was white. Like a lily." started me laughing and built a bit from there. Would have liked same treatment used to describe mom.
02/4/2005 The Rid: Jawbreaker, I'm surprised you like this.
02/4/2005 anonymous: oh dear lord
02/4/2005 Jawbreaker: Rid, I can only relate this story to some of the meatheads I knew in the past. I could put a face to this guy and that made it worthwhile to me.
02/4/2005 Jawbreaker: I mean we all probably knew someone that has done something like this. That's what made it funny.
02/4/2005 anonymous: Please.
02/4/2005 The Rid: I see.
02/4/2005 anonymous: somebody kill me
02/4/2005 The Rid: anon_user_a: What's wrong?
02/4/2005 TheBuyer (4):
02/4/2005 anonymous: Hey Rid, go ahead and be an asshole. If you feel that this deserves a 1, if you really feel that deep down, I don't want your pity 2.
02/4/2005 Litcube (3):
02/4/2005 The Rid: Author, give me a break. While I don't think there's anything redeeming about this short, I also agree with Pony that if you're not going out of your way to be a fucking moron, you shouldn't get a one; maybe it just comes naturally to you.
02/4/2005 TheBuyer: Rid, what are you basing your vote on?
02/4/2005 The Rid: Oh, come on, Buyer. Are you going to start with me, too? Is there a reason - aside from the fact that I'm an easy target, of course - that people seem to want to question my motives and no one else's? Litcube, Streif and cuntry and nearly anyone else can drop any vote and it's no biggie. I two something and all of a sudden I'm some fucking pariah who has to be dealt with. In any event, here's the reason I voted the way I did: This short isn't fucking funny. It's stupid. The one thing I like about it is the title. That's pretty funny. Everything else? Who gives a fuck? A guy who works out beats off to his own image, cums on the mirror, etc. Yawn.
02/4/2005 The Rid: btw, Buyer, if you were just curious and not, say, accusatory, I apologize for the tone of that reply.
02/4/2005 TheBuyer: apology accepted.
02/4/2005 TheBuyer: actually, I think I'm going to start with you.
02/4/2005 TheBuyer: actually, I think I'm going to start with you.
02/4/2005 TheBuyer: Rid, you spastic child, are you even a fan of this site? All I see coming off of you are boring insites into your thought process like, "I'm considering a two for this but might give it a three", and lustre sapping, momentum killing message board threads that read like blog bilge. Ya you're an easy target, you're a wounded unteachable crybaby retard. "oh my feelings, my feelings, you're hurting me, it stings, don't be mean, it's personal, you hate me, stop talking to me, I need to cry, hug me hug me hug me, please like me, who gives a fuck, I don't care, I hate you, I'm a target, I'm just like you, see see see guys?," blah blah blah you poor little emo rockstar, suck it up, get a hold of your self, learn something. You're petulant and unfunny. You whine. Seriously. Whine. I realise I'm being an asshole about this but I'm also a little confused why no one else has done so yet, you're clearly not grasping some key concepts about what goes on here. Namely, if you're going to interact with adults, grow the fuck up.
02/4/2005 The Rid: Oh, puh-leeze, Buyer. You're such a self important cocksucker, I can't believe you haven't collapsed from the aroma of what you're shoveling. From your false modesty refusing authorship status over the summer to your current now-I'm-an-author-and-my-shit-don't-stink attitude, you become more and more enamored of yourself everyday, to the point at which you're going to disappear up your own asshole. You're not as funny as the other authors, like qualcomm or Snow or Matza. Seriously. Your sense of self is inflated. Your shorts can be funny, but your ego seems to be getting bigger and - let's not forget where we are - it's just a website where a bunch of guys/girls write dumb stories. Don't confuse yourself with Garrison Keillor or Jonathan Swift or even any of those dopes at the Onion. You're not that important. You are an asshole, but you're not that important. 'Kay? 'Kay.
02/4/2005 TheBuyer: Rid, I've stopped reeling from your penetrating, revealing deconstruction of Acme - god, thank you, I had no idea.
I know exactly where I stand, rankings speak for themselves. Anyway, this isn't about me, I've already been taken to task and likely will be again. It's your turn so suck it up. Locate your testicles and be held accountable for your stupidity. You haven't responded to anything I've accused you of from my previous post, clearly I wasn't accurrate/specific enough so here are some examples.
It's about:
your feelings
the vacuum where your wit should be
your constant, boring self-deprecation

I said it wasn't about me, but since you mentioned it, if I have been a little full of myself lately I hadn't noticed and will go over the transcrpits of the past few weeks and make the necessary adjustments with apologies to the community if it's been in any way hard to bear. That better, you Judy Bloom novel?
02/5/2005 The Rid: Okay, so I'll respond to each point.

1) So there was an exchange between Jawbreaker and me. If you don't want to read it, don't. I'd imagine even in Canada you're free to choose the links you click. I'm not sure how it's different from the others talking about which bar they went to or which wine Slocum served when they saw him last. That being said, all the posting pissed Pony off, and for that I apologize.

2) For the record, it didn't hurt at all. I thought it only made sense in the context of the post. And since people on this site like to throw the words "cunt," "asshole," and "jerk" around a lot, I've started doing the same. You cunt.

3) I guess that one's my fault. I asked a question which I thought - incorrectly, I guess - was funny, and you replied, if I recall, "Are we dating?" And then I called you an asshole. Am I wrong that you're an asshole? It's interesting that you write that my comments aren't funny enough to reply to and then you go ahead and reply. If they're not worth making a fuss over, then shut the fuck up.

4) Oh, come on. Now you're just looking for something to squabble over. I asked a question, got an answer, some other people chimed in. The point of getting "neglected shorts" put up is so that they all get rated, good and bad. You wouldn't want all the bad ones or just all the good ones rated, would you? As for the self deprecation, I don't see a problem with it. Not in that note, anyway. I find it more interesting than being a self righteous, boorish, blowhard.

Buyer, you and I can keep going on like this, but what do you expect to gain from this exchange? That you'll prove to the other authors that you know how to pick a fight and are therefore a worthy member of the Acme team? That you know the word "petulant" means insolent? That you don't have balls big enough to pick a fight with the other authors who are clearly smarter than you? That I'm an idiot? Please. So my skills don't equal those of the others and my style, or, in your eyes, lack thereof, pisses you off. Tough shit. You're going to have to live with it. Suck it up, cunt.
02/5/2005 TheBuyer: In brief, it's late
1. Why post it all, this isn't your blog.
2. I feel sorry for you, see #1.
3. You're right, it was stupid and boring, thank you for realising your idiocy.
4. You picked this fight, deal with it, now how about responding to the original comment.

02/5/2005 TheBuyer: look up petulant, you are an ignorant spaz.
02/5/2005 The Rid: How's this for a petulant comment, you stupid cunt? Amongst other things, it means unpredictable ill humor. Anyway, the original question is which, why did I give this 2 stars? It's not funny. The mom bit is stale. There you go. How am I not dealing with this fight? In case you haven't noticed, you ignorant, long-winded fuck, it's between 2 people who don't even know other. What's to deal with? Have a great weekend!
02/5/2005 TheBuyer: Long-winding, I like that after a five line reply to your big, impressive "response". No, the original question was not why did you two this short, you "answered" that one, the original question was 'Rid, you spastic child, are you even a fan of this site?' and I'll add an 'if so, why do you treat it so poorly?' I'm not trying to chase you out of here, but you need to realise that your comments continue to be so utterly stupid, pointless, defensive, petulant, childish, sad, and limp that I cringe every time I see your name, and I doubt I'm alone.
02/5/2005 The Rid: Yes, I'm a fan of this site. I don't think I've treated it so poorly. Sometimes I get a little carried away in argument. Sometimes I have stupid discourse on the board. But I can't imagine that a guy who posts pictures of his kittens can't overlook a little stupid back and forth. I mean, you've been taken to task for being an idiot, right?
02/5/2005 TheBuyer: Yes, but I was talking about this.
So here's what really should happen next. In order for me to sit down and shut up and stop ranting and railing like a feverish housewife who has spotted a blob of puke on the duvet, you must do the following:
- admit that your past comments and postings have been undefendably stupid
- promise to make a concerted effort to consider your audience; what you're doing now is not that, it's the opposite.
If you can't understand how daft it is to post, 'I've decided to take over this short. These comments are no longer about this short. These comments are about how much I suck. So there.' (for example) and then defend it, I may be sadly corrrect, you are unteachable and are a tremendous waste of bandwidth which could be better used to upload candid pictures to dating chatrooms for mongoloids.
02/6/2005 The Rid: Big deal. It doesn't matter how the argument began or who wrote what short. Don't pretend your question regarding my vote wasn't an attempt to provoke a response so you could engage in an argument. I'm just as guilty; I bit. But the fact remains: You took over Matza's short, just as you accuse me of taking over this one. And Matza accused you of doing virtually everything you accuse me of doing. He even described you as petulant, you unoriginal cunt! And now you're trying to show your ass, proving that you're a big time author going up against a small time guest. Here's the reality, guy. You're not going to get an apology from me today, so we can either do this every day until I apologize, or you can shut the fuck up, you self important, grouchy, belligerent, bellicose child. It's your choice.
02/6/2005 TheBuyer: Rid, you're an idiot, this has nothing to do with me coming down on you to look like a big man, I questioned your vote because it was 2 after a 4 and all you said was some bullshit about the author was lucky it wasn't a one as if she was supposed to fall on her knees and thank you for your huge heart and glowing generosity. Then, for reasons unexplained you lash out with this hurt little emo three liner calling her a fucking moron as if everyone here should know just exactly what you were talking about. I had no idea what you were talking about so I asked you to explain yourself and you got all pissed off, but none of that is relevant here except that the whole exchange helps to prove your overwhelming, frustrating stupidity. You are without no doubt, the dumbest kid in class. And the reality is, firstly that it's pronounced gee, guy, and secondly I don't want you to apologise to me, you don't owe me anything, I want you to the following:

- admit that your past comments and postings have been undefendably stupid
- promise to make a concerted effort to consider your audience; what you're doing now is not that, it's the opposite.

Your insistance that I've accused you of taking over this short is, of course, miguided, false, and very, very stupid. That quote is something I cut and pasted from your long history of stupid bullshit and you confirmed my greatest fears about you with your poopy little response - you really are that tin-eared and unfunny. I cry for your mother, I'm sure she's a lovely woman who didn't deserve you.
02/6/2005 The Rid: Buyer: I haven't read this most recent post. But I saw your two requests, and the answer is: No. And no. I will write that I feel sorry that you feel the need to keep dragging this out (and you can save your retort: "But you keep dragging this out!"). If the entire Acme community signs a petition that states my comments must be reviewed and edited before they can be considered proper for the audience who will read them, then I'll do it. Until then, have a great night! Go, Eagles!
02/6/2005 TheBuyer: Thank you, you proved all of my points quite nicely with that last comment, that will be enough for now. Tit.
02/6/2005 The Rid: Huzzah!
02/7/2005 Dick Vomit: SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
02/8/2005 Mr. Pony: You guys had a cool weekend. Here's something funny: When TheBuyer said "actually, I think I'm going to start with you," I thought that he meant that he was going to attack us all, starting with the Rid. Also, near the end there, I thought I heard the Rid refuse to consider his audience. That was great.
02/8/2005 Ewan Snow: I would like to say that I enjoyed this controversy, if only for the pleasure of reading a controversy totally unrelated to me.
02/8/2005 Ewan Snow: Also, why doesn't anybody else consider this the latest controversy?
02/8/2005 Mr. Pony: I think everyone's still a little sore at you for plagiarizing Matza and then leaving the short up for like seven hours. But yeah, this was pretty good and contained some things that needed to be said, probably. What did you think, Snow? Who won, IYHO?
02/8/2005 Mr. Pony: No, really, what do you think?
02/8/2005 TheBuyer: Mr. Pony - I think calling a winner in this case is like judging a boxing match at the special olympics, no one really wins but both sides declare victory and stay retarded, maybe they get some ben and jerry's after.
02/8/2005 qualcomm: it was clearly a staged fight anyway
02/8/2005 Ewan Snow: The Buyer won on points, in my opinion, but Rid held his own and landed a few solid punches. I'd have to re-read it to provide a more detailed analysis.
02/9/2005 cuntry: i like to think they were fighting for my attention
02/9/2005 TheBuyer: Ever since that firm Asian tits comment, a little.
02/9/2005 The Rid: QC's right. It was totally staged.
02/9/2005 cuntry: the buyer was defending my honor