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I stare at my reflection on the mirrored elevator doors. Damn, that one piece of hair is out of place! Can’t I get anything right? Well my new white suit looks.... Ding! The sound of the elevator coming to pick up unhappy employees always pisses me off.
The doors slowly open up to reveal an older man in a grey suit staring into space. As I step into the elevator I wonder if he even feels my presence. The man comes to and nods his head hello. I reach across his chest and push the button for the 22nd floor, right below the already lighted 24th floor button.
“Hello, sir, how ya doing,” I say with too much energy for 10am. The man just stares straight ahead.
Well, fuck you buddy. I was only trying to be nice. God. Why can’t people be friendly? Maybe he’s just having a bad day. Or maybe his workload is just too much. Or maybe his wife boned his brother. I don’t know. He should still be amicable to pretty co-workers. Ah, oh well. What can you do.
Ding! The elevator door opens to another older man but this one is wearing a navy suit with a pink tie. Quite stylish I must admit, especially for his age. His blue eyes graze over my body and notices...
“John! How the hell are ya,”he bellows into my ear. The grey suit man, John, looks at him nervously and says, “Fine.” Pause. “Thanks.”
“Well, I just wanted to go over some numbers with you this afternoon. Are you free?”
John intently stares at the man and says, “Doug. Today really is not the best day for me.”
“Well, it won’t take long,” Doug replies. Doug then takes a quick glance at my legs in my new white skirt and then in a softer voice says, “Honestly John. How are things?”
I uncomfortably switch the binder from my left hand to my right. Well, at least I am trying to show I am uncomfortable. Honestly, I love this shit. I really want to know what the fuck is up John’s ass. (Now that we are on a first name basis.)
John glances at my face right as I decide to turn it into “I am just staring at my reflection, I swear. I am NOT listening to your conversation.” He then looks down at his feet as if he is ashamed for what he is about to say.
“Doug, I really think we should discuss this at another time.”
John looks at my face again. I intently stare straight ahead of me.
“Come on John, this place is fine. Just tell me what is going on. You won’t answer my calls. You are ignoring my emails. I need to know what is going on with you,” Doug says with such an earnest intent.
I know this earnest.
John’s face begins to crumble and... Wait a second is he about to - yup he is. This man is about to cry. Oh shit, what do you do in an elevator with two grown men and one is about to shed his manhood?
“Alright, this has to stop Doug. My wife found out.”
“John, what are you talking about,” Doug says quickly re-acknowledging my presence.
“It’s over. I can no longer,” John raises his hands up to quote, “go over numbers with you. The last time we went over numbers I couldn’t sit for a full week!”
Holy shit. I was wondering what was up John’s ass and now I found it. Doug.
John is quickly becoming more and more angry with every word. “What am I supposed to tell the mother of my children when I come home from work and I can’t even sit down!”
Holy shit. I NEED to get off this elevator. 15th Floor. 16th Floor. Could this thing go any slower?
Doug stares at him with a sense of lust, fear and sorrow all wrapped up. Those blue eyes I thought were checking me out. “John. You know my feelings for you.”
17th Floor. 18th Floor.
That’s it. I just don’t exist. While these two homos argue about their butt fucking on this god damned elevator. I am stuck here.
19th Floor. 20th Floor.
Their man voices are just background noise in my head. All I wanted to know was why was this old man wasn’t freakin friendly to me.
Now I have to hear about an illicit affair between two men! Yes yes... it does hurt the first time John. What did you think you were special?
Lube is the best thing. Listen to Doug, John. He knows what he’s talking about. Anal beads? Wow Doug. I did not expect that one from you.
Ding! 23rd Floor.
As the doors glide open I tuck that little piece of hair behind my ear, look at the two men and say, “Hope you have a wonderful day fellas.”
I sashay out of the elevator as if it mattered what my ass looked like in my tight skirt.
Date Written: January 20, 2005
Average Vote: 3.1667