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I stare at my reflection on the mirrored elevator doors. Damn, that one piece of hair is out of place! Can’t I get anything right? Well my new white suit looks.... Ding! The sound of the elevator coming to pick up unhappy employees always pisses me off.

The doors slowly open up to reveal an older man in a grey suit staring into space. As I step into the elevator I wonder if he even feels my presence. The man comes to and nods his head hello. I reach across his chest and push the button for the 22nd floor, right below the already lighted 24th floor button.

“Hello, sir, how ya doing,” I say with too much energy for 10am. The man just stares straight ahead.

Well, fuck you buddy. I was only trying to be nice. God. Why can’t people be friendly? Maybe he’s just having a bad day. Or maybe his workload is just too much. Or maybe his wife boned his brother. I don’t know. He should still be amicable to pretty co-workers. Ah, oh well. What can you do.

Ding! The elevator door opens to another older man but this one is wearing a navy suit with a pink tie. Quite stylish I must admit, especially for his age. His blue eyes graze over my body and notices...

“John! How the hell are ya,”he bellows into my ear. The grey suit man, John, looks at him nervously and says, “Fine.” Pause. “Thanks.”

“Well, I just wanted to go over some numbers with you this afternoon. Are you free?”

John intently stares at the man and says, “Doug. Today really is not the best day for me.”

“Well, it won’t take long,” Doug replies. Doug then takes a quick glance at my legs in my new white skirt and then in a softer voice says, “Honestly John. How are things?”

I uncomfortably switch the binder from my left hand to my right. Well, at least I am trying to show I am uncomfortable. Honestly, I love this shit. I really want to know what the fuck is up John’s ass. (Now that we are on a first name basis.)

John glances at my face right as I decide to turn it into “I am just staring at my reflection, I swear. I am NOT listening to your conversation.” He then looks down at his feet as if he is ashamed for what he is about to say.

“Doug, I really think we should discuss this at another time.”

John looks at my face again. I intently stare straight ahead of me.

“Come on John, this place is fine. Just tell me what is going on. You won’t answer my calls. You are ignoring my emails. I need to know what is going on with you,” Doug says with such an earnest intent.

I know this earnest.

John’s face begins to crumble and... Wait a second is he about to - yup he is. This man is about to cry. Oh shit, what do you do in an elevator with two grown men and one is about to shed his manhood?

“Alright, this has to stop Doug. My wife found out.”

“John, what are you talking about,” Doug says quickly re-acknowledging my presence.

“It’s over. I can no longer,” John raises his hands up to quote, “go over numbers with you. The last time we went over numbers I couldn’t sit for a full week!”

Holy shit. I was wondering what was up John’s ass and now I found it. Doug.

John is quickly becoming more and more angry with every word. “What am I supposed to tell the mother of my children when I come home from work and I can’t even sit down!”

Holy shit. I NEED to get off this elevator. 15th Floor. 16th Floor. Could this thing go any slower?

Doug stares at him with a sense of lust, fear and sorrow all wrapped up. Those blue eyes I thought were checking me out. “John. You know my feelings for you.”

17th Floor. 18th Floor.

That’s it. I just don’t exist. While these two homos argue about their butt fucking on this god damned elevator. I am stuck here.

19th Floor. 20th Floor.

Their man voices are just background noise in my head. All I wanted to know was why was this old man wasn’t freakin friendly to me.

21st Floor.

Now I have to hear about an illicit affair between two men! Yes yes... it does hurt the first time John. What did you think you were special?

22nd Floor.

Lube is the best thing. Listen to Doug, John. He knows what he’s talking about. Anal beads? Wow Doug. I did not expect that one from you.

Ding! 23rd Floor.

As the doors glide open I tuck that little piece of hair behind my ear, look at the two men and say, “Hope you have a wonderful day fellas.”

I sashay out of the elevator as if it mattered what my ass looked like in my tight skirt.

Date Written: January 20, 2005
Author: Jawbreaker
Average Vote: 3.1667

02/4/2005 Will Disney: 890 words!!!!
02/4/2005 The Rid: It actually goes pretty fast, Disney. As this is the author's first publication, I'm prepared to be generous.
02/4/2005 anonymous: Yeah, I am going to apologize for the length. It was a good first try though.
02/4/2005 Jawbreaker: Like Rid said, it did go by faster than you would think.
02/4/2005 The Rid (4): Three plus one for a worthy first effort.
02/4/2005 TheBuyer (3): Author, you could have cut a ton [ie. 300 words] off of this and gotten the same effect. Middle ground, let's see what you do with your next one!
02/4/2005 cuntry (3): I thought the narrator was a guy the whole time, it's not at all written in a wooman's voice, so, whayt the skirt? wait, is the narrator a cross-dresser?!? If it had started with "Doug, I really think we should discuss this at another time" it would have been a lot tighter. The floors stuff is good, but the start was baggage.
02/4/2005 Litcube (3): Interesting note, cuntry. I didn't think it was a man's voice at all, and if anything, swings to the female side just shy of asexual. Othir, this was long. I hate you. Agree with Buyer: This could use a hair cut (picture a guys who's body weight is 97% attributed to hair).
02/4/2005 anonymous: I had someone else tell me before this was published that it sounded like a guy speaking also. So I can see why you would think that. I guess I wasn't as clear as I should have been. Also, I realize it is pretty darn long. I'll keep that in mind for my next ones!
02/4/2005 cuntry: huh, dunno, but, "maybe his wife boned his brother" for example, does not ring girl. unless the narrator is a dyke. but there's no evidence to support that, plus, the skirt...
02/4/2005 anonymous: Some girls might think those thoughts but just not say them. I don't think that makes them a dyke. What about the skirt?
02/4/2005 anonymous: Question: Is it possible for a woman to bone a man? I'm thinking bone refers to the unique male appendage.
02/4/2005 anonymous: In this case the narrator associates boning as sex in general. She wasn't refering to any sort of appendage.
02/5/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (4): All around decent job. 3.5 rounded up for a first time author. The narrator quite clearly was a lady, and I do not see how you could have thought otherwise. Hair out of place? Caring about how the new white suit looks? etc?

This line was the best, possibly because this has the voice of a buddy of mine: "Wow Doug. I did not expect that one from you." The last like was a little underwritten, though.
02/5/2005 Phony Millions: I think the point was that the tone sounded like a dude, not necessarily the content of what the narrator was saying. "Hello, sir, how ya doing," or "Well, fuck you buddy" does sound like a guy a bit.
02/5/2005 Klause Muppet: "man voices"
02/7/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum (2): I also thought it was a guy. It's not a typical female voice, but I think the assumption also has to do with the fact that most of the contributors on this site are guys who don’t tend to take on female narrators. It doesn't really bother me that I was surprised by the skirt in the end. What does bother me is that this really could have been A LOT tighter. How much more of a pay off is there after we find out that John and Doug are doing it, and how surprising is that, really? It’s kind of the standard cooperate, old boy joke. I do like that the euphemism is "going over numbers." But some of the details are handled a little sloppily. She gets out at the 23rd floor when she pressed the button for the 22nd floor. Also, there's a binder that magically appears about half way through. That seems very nitpicky, but it seems to me if you're going to use a prop, it should be well-established. Otherwise, it just seems like a prop. Finally, if you’re going to go out on a limb with regards to length, you should make it well worth it. I don’t know that the content justifies the length. Somewhere between a two and a three on this one, with points docked for the length.
02/7/2005 Jon Matza: I agree--the skirt should have been a lot tighter! (sizzlean, anyone?)