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I've seen a lot of strange things in my day. I used to run covert ops for a special branch of the military. But what I came across that wintry night in the parking lot of Veteran's Stadium in Philly was flat-out messed up. I'll try and collect my thoughts as best I can, but I'm telling you, it was messed up.
Some of my friends were more anxious to see Jethro Tull than I was. Honestly, I just went along for the ride. I thought the show might help me cool out. I let the guys head into the stadium ahead of me. I just wanted to stay near the car for a little while. Soak up some of the ambience. Avoid Four Non-Blondes, slated to go on as the opening act.
To my left, I noticed a bunch of people surrounding this one guy. A few chuckles here and there. Some kind of commotion. So I headed over. Very stealthily, I might add.
This guy was showing everybody something. That much I could tell. But I had to see for myself, so I pushed my way through the partisan crowd.
Lo and behold, the guy's poon lampooner, sticking out of his fly, looked exactly like a Caucasian index finger, complete with joints and fingernail. At first I thought it was a gag of some sort. But it surely wasn't. He put on an arrogant display of prowess by clipping the nail, and he even had this ring that he'd take out of his pocket and slide back and forth. (It was totally contrived.)
I was about to walk away, but the finger-penis motioned towards me (I think). You know, the come hither motion. Then it started scratching the balls, which were now present.
I'm not gay, so I turned around and returned to the car. I heard a flute playing loud and clear, so I fingered my ticket and walked towards the stadium entrance.
Date Written: January 21, 2005Comments:
Average Vote: 4.25
02/9/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs: That was messed up!!!!
02/9/2005 Dick Vomit: Hey, Streif. I've read a lot of strange shorts in my day, but I'm telling you: this one was messed up.
02/9/2005 The Rid: That is messed up. But is it good?
02/9/2005 Will Disney: grosso
02/9/2005 Jon Matza: Pretty good. Can someone explain the flute to me? Strikes me the author missed an ultegra chance to use the 'philly fanatic' in this short.
02/9/2005 The Rid: If the narrator heard the flute so soon in the short, that means Four Non-Blondes played the world's shortest set or there was some serious time lapse/cock-gazing!
02/9/2005 Sergio: Jethro Tull was playing Matza.
02/9/2005 Litcube (4): WOAH! Four this for f'dupedness! I four this! Also, "I'm not gay" as your grounds for evacuating the penis finger dude, who’s motioning for you to come hither with his fucking finger penis was Sweden. The flute thing I'm lost on; was that Jethro starting their set?
02/9/2005 Litcube: Also, this sounds like Streifen. Mark my words!
02/9/2005 Jon Matza: Founding Mothers and Fathers! I should be sternly rebuked.
02/9/2005 anonymous: Who else but Jethro busts out the flute? Slimfast awareness thus far, readers.
02/9/2005 Jon Matza (4): 4.3...I think the throat-clearing first par could've been lopped off w/no ill effects. "I'm not gay" was swizzle.
02/9/2005 John Slocum (5): Nice tone, nice idea, 'He put on an arrogant display of prowess by clipping the nail, and he even had this ring that he'd take out of his pocket and slide back and forth' was very funny. don't quite get the '(it was totally contrived)' bit, but i understood the flute reference immediately!!!
02/9/2005 qualcomm (4):
02/9/2005 Mr. Pony (5): I apologize for this five, author.
02/9/2005 anonymous: Apology accepted.
02/9/2005 TheBuyer (5): Hi Five, white guy.
02/9/2005 The Rid: In an effort to not get assaulted, I'm not going to vote on this short.
02/9/2005 The Rid: Feeling need to vote even though it will be unpopular...GAAHHH!!! NNNNGGGGG!!!! YYEEEEEOOOOWWWW!
02/9/2005 Litcube: Rid, I think that's the funniest thing you've said in a few months. Also'du: vote.
02/9/2005 cuntry (4): conceptually, a 5, but, it held my attention like a 3. not a smooth read.
02/9/2005 The Rid (3): Litcube, thanks...I think. Anyway, I'm not blown away by the concept (although the finger scratching the balls was funny), the narrator stating he thought Tull might cool him out, but he's already so blase as to almost be in a coma, and finally, the I'm-not-gay moment. I don't care if you're gay or not, a penis finger beckons you, and you move damn it.
02/9/2005 Mr. Pony: I have to admit, those are some powerful retarded reasons for not liking this, Rid; but I understand you didn't write that to start an argument or anything, so I won't even mention my thoughts on your criticism.
02/9/2005 Sergio (5): corrective 5 to avoid the possibility of an argument.
02/9/2005 The Rid: Thanks, Pony. I'm touched.
02/9/2005 Dick Vomit: Not perfect! Pretty weird. I will guest-4 this bitch and move onb with my life.
02/9/2005 Dick Vomit: ONB
02/9/2005 anonymous: The Rid: why do you hate me/us/this forum/sense/the tangible/decorum?
02/9/2005 anonymous: D.V. - where is your guest 4?
02/9/2005 The Rid: Author, I don't hate you! I don't even hate your short. A three is kind of a neutral vote, no?
02/9/2005 anonymous: That's awfully Ishtar of you.
02/9/2005 Jon Matza: There are some spandex pantsuit (first-rate) throwaway gags in here. In addition to those already noted, "Then it started scratching the balls, which were now present" (my itals) and "Very stealthily, I might add."
02/9/2005 Jon Matza: ...but lest the author become too conceited or other guests become frenzied with jealousy, I should note that 'poon lampooner' is one of those not-witty-enough-to-be-worth-the-distraction turns of phrase I complained about yesterday.
02/9/2005 anonymous: Agreed. It's a somewhat Gigli construction.
02/9/2005 anonymous: Although, I thought it served well as something a military macho guy might say. Sort of akin to when the Marines refer to women as "Betty," or something.
02/9/2005 Dick Vomit (4): Also! I forgot to Guest-4 it!
02/9/2005 Klause Muppet (4):
02/10/2005 Litcube: Turgid!? You're all over the map, buddy.
02/10/2005 TheBuyer: Hooray!
02/10/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (4): Indeed, a good one. I'm sorry this four is decreasing the average, but consider it ballast in case cuntry comes along and two's it, as he/she is wont to do.
02/10/2005 Mr. Pony: Dude, she already gave it a four.
02/10/2005 Litcube: Still a little sore from Monday, Steve?