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Iím waiting. Sitting and waiting. Here at the table. Iíve poured a cup of tea to drink while I wait. It relaxes me. He should be home soon, any minute really. Most nights I wouldnít wait up, heíd be out drinking with the boys. Thatís most nights. But tonight is an, ďIím sorryĒ night. Iím sorry I came home drunk and hit you last night. Iím sorry you had to take the day off because whoís gonna believe you fell again, so clumsy, twice in just over a week. I am so clumsy always falling, into your fist, or your feet and once even into the phone you were holding, which you snatched from me trying to call for help. Iíve got to be more careful. One day Iím gonna fall down and not get back up. Iím gonna fall too hard . Well, thatís what I thought until todayÖ.
Today as I lay in bed this morning, as I lay in the wet spot of your ďIím sorryĒ fuck I didnít ask for or want, I started thinking. I started thinking youíve never been sorry. You havení t been sorry for a single thing youíve done in your life. But you will be. Because tonight after you come home with your sorry flowers and your sorry lines Iíll smile and say itís okay. After your sorry kisses and sorry fuck, after you say you love me then roll over and leave me to sleep in the wet spot Iíll let it pass and youíll think things are okay again. But when you fall asleep I will slide out of that wet spot and into the closet where Iíve a little gift for youÖ a board with rusty nails in it. Iím gonna go to that closet and get that board then Iím gonna wind up like Barry Bonds, youíre favorite slugger, and Iím gonna smash your sorry balls into a fucking bloody pulp. I can hear your footsteps now, climbing the stairs, probably for your last time. For once I canít wait to see you. I canít wait.
Date Written: January 25, 2005Comments:
Average Vote: 3.25
02/11/2005 cuntry: i hate that the last line is there.
02/11/2005 cuntry (3): anger felt real though, which i liked
02/11/2005 The Rid: Whew! Finally a short about hating men! Is this Jawbreaker?
02/11/2005 muh: Yo, this is the rid, muh.
02/11/2005 duh: duh, why you sayin that, yo?
02/11/2005 muh: Yo, duh. I is only say that acuz I smell it, muh.
02/11/2005 TheBuyer: This may have put limits on my forever.
02/11/2005 muh: Yo, duh. No doubt that The Rid is Mr. Negative, muh. Jawbreaker, yeah, I think that's a real chick, muh. The Rid same some shit sometimes, sho.
02/11/2005 Mr. Pony: No doubt, no doubt, muh. Jawbreaker tho, she sure say she a she a lot, neh? Maybe, maybe. Rid always say what he thinking with out meaning to, sure.
02/11/2005 duh: Shee-hih, Mister Pony. You stayin' outta this.
02/11/2005 muh: Yo, duh. I love when Pony tries to be all street, muh. Fuck off, Pony. This is Guest Side shit, straight up.
02/11/2005 Litcube: This is very serious.
02/11/2005 Litcube: Also, guys, quit making fun of the sexually ambiguous Mr. Negaridbreaker. This is serious.
02/11/2005 Mr. Pony: Anyhow, I'm not sure how to read this thing. I'm pretty sure it's not trying to be funny, but I'm not sure what it's trying to get across. Unless it's real. Any of you guys fancy this Barry Bonds?
02/11/2005 Mr. Pony: You're right, Litcube. This is dead serious. ļ_ļ
02/11/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (3): Nice 'n' angry!
02/11/2005 The Rid: All, I wouldn't vote on my own short. Unless I were going to countervote on it. Get me? PS, I'm not Jawbreaker. Assmouths!
02/11/2005 Jon Matza: Very jokey & lighthearted. Lots of laugh-out-loud one-liners.
02/11/2005 anonymous: Author: Are you winding up like Barry Bonds pre-steroids? Of course, this would be a difficult point in time to locate.
02/11/2005 Litcube: Anon_a, Matza: This is the dead cold sober serious room you've entered. Please conduct yourselves accordingly.
02/11/2005 anonymous: But Rid, you DIDN'T vote on this short, dummy! Anyway, I thought this crowd needed a little taste of a wife beating short. Not that wife beating is funny, of course.
02/11/2005 Mr. Pony: Yeah, it's kind of serious.
02/11/2005 anonymous: This idea actually came from a co-worker. Not a victim, but a man that hears me complain about how women always get the shit end of the stick. I wanted this woman to give the guy what he truly deserved.
02/11/2005 The Author's Husband: Look, I said I was sorry, all right?
02/11/2005 The Author's Husband: Now come here and suck daddy's balls.
02/11/2005 anonymous: But you don't have any balls left! Fucker!
02/11/2005 Litcube: Sir, unfortunately, at this time I'm going to have to escort you to the lobby. The placard near the entrance clearly indicates that this is a very serious venue.
02/11/2005 anonymous: Thank you Litcube. I appreciate that.
02/11/2005 The Wet Spot: I really don't appreciate how no one is taking my feelings into account here. I mean, how would you like it if someone talked about you like you were some sort of penalty, a pariah among spots? Complain about me again, author, I dare you.
02/11/2005 The Author's Husband: Come suck daddy's pulverized testicles. Stick your tongue into the biggest nailhole. Yeah, that one there. Ssssss. Nnnnnnnggh.
02/11/2005 The Author's Husband: Shut up, Wet Spot. Stop trying to get in on it. You're ruining it.
02/11/2005 The Wet Spot: Oh! Look at me! I'm all disenfranchised!
02/11/2005 The Wet Spot: Oh, I'm so sorry, Author's Husband! I could have sworn you were done. By all means, continue!
02/11/2005 The Rid (4):
02/11/2005 The Author's Husband: No, Wet Spot, I'm done. Continue to flog the horse you murdered.
02/11/2005 The Wet Spot: No, you're right, I should have kept out of it; the only thing worse than someone beating a joke to death is two people doing it.
02/11/2005 The Author's Husband: You're two different people?
02/11/2005 The Wet Spot: Wow. No, I meant you.
02/11/2005 The Wet Spot: I mean, I thought that was pretty clear.
02/11/2005 Look! I'm Something Else From This Short! Me Too!: Hey Husband, lay off Wet Spot. His comments are worthwhile and funny.
02/11/2005 Mr. Pony: You three are an embarrassment.
02/11/2005 So Mr. Pony Is Wet Spot:
02/11/2005 Mr. Pony: What? That's not true.
02/11/2005 Yes it is. Obviously.:
02/11/2005 anonymous: "The Wet Spot": You are the douchebag around here it seems. You too "The Author's Husband"
02/11/2005 The Voice of Authority: A Mediocre Writer:
02/11/2005 TheBuyer: wow, is it a tard moon tonight or something?
02/11/2005 anonymous: Shut up, Fraser...
02/11/2005 anonymous: Cool. I know I am not the best writer. It doesn't mean you have to go and come up with all these oh so creative names to poke fun at the topic of my short. You can just tell me in your normal name you thought my short sucked and that's fine. I'll respect that.
02/11/2005 Hurt Feelings: (sniff)
02/11/2005 anonymous: Your short sucked.
02/11/2005 anonymous: Thanks!
02/11/2005 anonymous: really suckt.
02/11/2005 Everyone But Wet Spot: I probably would have made the same comments from the Author's Husband (et al) even if I'd liked your short, for what it's worth. You don't own the topic of spousal abuse, you know. I can poke fun at it without your precious fucking sanctification.
02/11/2005 Mr. Pony: Author, you really shouldn't concern yourself with all these anonymous and fake people. I think some of them just have a case of the "Fridays".
02/11/2005 anonymous: Thanks, Mr. Pony. I completely agree.
02/11/2005 TheBuyer (4): Well, I liked it, I think. Those comments are kind of distracting, but fuck, it whatever, big guest four for decently written seriousness.
02/11/2005 Ewan Snow: Hey, Author, would you like a few positive words of encouragement? No? Well I'll provide them anyway. First the bad news: I probably wouldn't give this short a high rating, because I don't think it's all that funny nor is it refreshingly original or surprising in some other way. It was a little too Thelma and Louise for this guy's tastes. Revenge plots just leave me a little cold. However, the good news is that I think the writing is decent. I think the details you included were apt. Even though I appreciate (and laughed at) some of the comments below by "The Wet Spot", I thought the wet spot was a nice detail. I also like that the weapon of choice is a board with rusty nails. Actually, thatís probably my favorite detail.
Now assuming you actually are a woman, or even, I guess, if you're not, but are trying to write a short that counters some of the usual phalocentric stuff here, I think you maybe took a wrong turn with the premise. Now I donít know what you were going for, so if Iím wrong, please ignore this, but youíll notice that the typical short on this site (in the genre I am guessing you are trying to counter with this short) is not about a sad male victim getting revenge on an evil woman. Itís about a self-satisfied asshole. (Youíll also notice that shorts like that in which the narrator is ďharshingĒ on a woman or women, are actually making fun of the narrator, not the woman, but thatís a whole other subject.) Maybe you could write a short about a woman who loves cutting guys balls off, not because sheís been abused, but just cuz it gets her rocks off. Maybe she feels a smug satisfaction that sheís just doing whatís right. I should say, however, that this wouldnít necessarily be funny or interesting; youíd have to provide that part. But at least then youíd have a female character analogous to the male ones we have all come to know and love here on acme!
02/11/2005 anonymous: Snow, like you said I was trying to counter some of the shorts here. I can see where I did not achieve that goal. All of a sudden it turned into an abused woman short instead of the bitch gets the last word short. I like the feedback though, thanks!
02/11/2005 Phony Millions (3): Whew Ewan, I think the chick of this short could kick your ass! I liked 'sorry fuck', but the rest was sort of dismal with not much pay off.
02/11/2005 Ewan Snow: um...
02/11/2005 TheBuyer: chicken?
02/11/2005 Litcube (3): For the details.
02/11/2005 Ewan Snow: well, I don't like rusty nails is all. I mean, they don't tickle!
02/11/2005 TheBuyer: good point HA HA HA
02/11/2005 TheBuyer: ...I just don't know what motivates me sometimes.
02/11/2005 Phony Millions: The same as all of us, Buyer: ennui.
02/11/2005 Benny Maniacs (2): No, really I'm sorry. I thought this was wandering dangerously close to the one star realm for most of the short. I was expecting it to jump up with a cheerful "Gotcha!" ending, but alas, it stayed morose and thick until the end. Granted, it got a little cheesy in the last few sentences, which made me mistake it for a two star short, but I think this short really belongs someplace else, like an Alchoholics Anonymous pamphlet, or some kind of self help something.
02/12/2005 John Slocum (4): An enjoyable read, some good writing, and thanks for this: 'Iím gonna smash your sorry balls into a fucking bloody pulp.' Zoinks! I'll bet that'd hurt!