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I used to be Frank Davis, an accountant. It’s how I made a living. But then I got hit by a rock from the planet Smartron and became Common Sense Man (!). Now it's my job to enlighten the foolish masses.

That’s right. Whenever two assholes are having a conversation like this:

MAN 1: “So I pulled into the parking garage at Lincoln Center.”
MAN 2: “Yeah?”
MAN 1: “And I go up to the window to pay, and it’s 33 bucks!”
MAN 2: “33 bucks? Are you serious?”

*BAM!!!* I appear!

I slap MAN 1 across the face, “You dumb dumb dick! Of course it’s 33 dollars! It’s Manhattan’s Lincoln Center!” Then I turn to MAN 2 and punch him in the cock. “You New Jersey fuckface! Don’t feed his ignorance!”

When you, young college girl, can’t figure out why the guy you like will only fuck you when he's drunk, I’m there.

“You dumb bitch! It’s a booty call! A BOOTY CALL!”

And estranged wife, when your husband spends all his free time with his new friend Bill, I’m there.

“You idiot! He likes guys! He has a fucking lithp!”

It may hurt, folks, but it’s the truth. And when I’m done with you, you’ll never make the same mistake again. You fucking cunts.

Date Written: January 26, 2005
Author: The Rid
Average Vote: 3.25

02/15/2005 Ewan Snow: Huh, there's parking at Lincoln Center?
02/15/2005 Will Disney: this short had a lot of potential, and it's a good idea, but i didn't LAUGH OUT LOUD at it. or as matza would say, i didn't laugh out loud at it. and yes, ewan, there is parking at lincoln center. you can ENTER on 66th st, if i remember correctly.
02/15/2005 qualcomm: i really liked this up through the word "rock"
02/15/2005 Mr. Pony: It's shorts like this that give me a hard time. I'm talking about the ones where the short is (or feels like) an excuse for the author to get something off his or her chest, as well as take a certain amount of credit for said rants. These shorts, like McWilliamsburg (minus any subsequent controversy over the short being posted under Slocum's name against his will) and THEBUYERS A FAG or whatever that was called, make me feel like I'm expected to agree with the viewpoint. Sort of like when that drunk stranger (who girls won't talk to, even though he clearly has so much to offer) corners you at a party and decides to give you some life lessons. Maybe he says some stuff that's true, and maybe it's even something you haven't heard a thousand times before, but you sort of resent the intrusion. Maybe I'm asking for too much self-restraint or scientific detachment, and perhaps I'd find this more interesting if it were done differently (or performed live) but for some reason, I find that shorts like this give me, as I said, a hard time. (By the way, I think that "It's a booty call" is a criminal oversimplification, and much more observation would be required to make an accurate assessment. Don't get me started on the myth of the accuracy of common sense.)
02/15/2005 anonymous: Whew! Pony, duly noted!
02/15/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs: I'm scared of Pony.
02/15/2005 qualcomm: you should be. pony once looked square in the eye of this retarded (literally) guy who frequents our favorite bar and said, "you're an idiot." the worst thing of all was that he never would have said that if the guy weren't black.
02/15/2005 anonymous: Wow! Qualcomm, what bar?
02/15/2005 qualcomm: i'm not at liberty to say
02/15/2005 anonymous: Oh. Okay.
02/15/2005 Litcube: Admittedly, I'm a delicate little blossom to begin with, but seriously, if someone said "Dumb dumb dick" to my face, I'm confident that my world would crumble around me as I rocked back and forth.
02/15/2005 TheBuyer (2): I would prefer to complain without accountability. Sorry auth, didn't work for me.
02/15/2005 Jon Matza: This may not be good, technically, but you have to admit it has a certain vivacity.
02/15/2005 Jawbreaker (4): I kind of like these shorts where the authors get things off their chest.
02/15/2005 Mr. Pony: Man, qualcomm really took that situation out of context. I mean, that retarded black guy really had it coming.
02/15/2005 Jon Matza: Why, because you'd just broken his arm?
02/15/2005 Mr. Pony: Take that part out of context too, why don't you?
02/15/2005 anonymous: Matza: Thanks. Litcube: Who would ever call you a dumb, dumb dick?
02/15/2005 Dylan Danko (4):
02/16/2005 John Slocum (3):
02/16/2005 Dick Vomit: Here's what worried me: the "you fucking cunts" closer reminded me of the money shot in this graphical piece. What with the recent kerfuffle over plagiarism and all...
02/16/2005 The Rid: DV: I have to respectfully disagree. Although I did appreciate that Matza short, I can say that in no way did its language influence this short.
02/16/2005 John Slocum: as far as you 'know', that is.
02/16/2005 The Rid: Slocum, are you suggesting that that short was in the back of my mind and may have played upon the weakness of my subconscious? Or something?