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As a man grows older he tends to become more and more concerned with my legacy. Sensing the onset of mortality (mine), his youthful concerns begin to fall by the wayside. He discards his long-cherished "present-based" ideals—freedom, the open road, infinite possibility—in favor of "future-based" objectives: my financial stability; my family; my career; my estate.
Well I'm here to tell you fellows you needn't trouble yourselves on my account any longer. That's because my immortality is now all but assured...and each of you is thus free to begin contemplating your own destiny; your own legacy.
For on the afternoon of January 23, 2005—at 2:11pm to be precise—
I completed what must be considered the most prestigious human accomplishment of the last 100 years.
I have fashioned a wonderful sculpture, you see...
...from approximately 1.5 skeins of the world's finest felt!
Date Written: January 28, 2005Comments:
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 4.2727
02/10/2005 Phony Millions (5): This has a wacky Matza-ish vibe. Loved it unapologetically.
02/10/2005 Ewan Snow (5): Yeah, this has economy of means and packs a punch. 4.x rounded up out of a love for my fellow man (and concern, needed or not, for his legacy).
02/10/2005 The Rid (5): My legacy means nothing.
02/10/2005 cuntry (5): ok, i'll admit that i don't even know what skeins are and i'm 5-ing this for sheer reading pleasure. i will now go improve my vocabulary...
02/10/2005 Mr. Pony: I thought skeins were for cord or yarn. Felt would probably be measured by the bolt. If this is Matza, I would assume the mistake to be intentional. The rest of you fuck-ups are total dummies, and probably got it wrong.
02/10/2005 Ewan Snow: You "thought" Pony, or did you just look it up? Be honest.
02/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Added to which, why would Matza (or anybody) do that on purpose?
02/10/2005 Mr. Pony: I thought (based on my admittedly limited experience in sculptural sewing and felt construction), and then, being a conscientious and detail-oriented individual, verified my suspicions by asking the Internet. Furthermore, how dare you?
02/10/2005 Mr. Pony: As for your second question, I think that this is exactly the same mistake a character such as this would make, were he written by Matza. Also, it's the same sort of mistake the rest of you stupidheads would make, as writers.
02/10/2005 Mr. Pony: That's right, sculptural sewing.
02/10/2005 TheBuyer (4):
02/10/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (3): The skeins thing didn't agree with me. Mistaking skeins for bolts (I did know the difference before this short, having grown up in a craft-y family) is like mistaking an automobile's engine for its transmission. Normally I would forgive this without batting an eye, but the punchline was bolded, italicized, and was designed to stand out. It stood out, alright. Also not fiving this because I didn't find it that funny. The other italicized line was overdone. First two paras were good, though. P.S. this isn't a Matza short, I don't think. I suspect TheBuyer, personally.
02/10/2005 TheBuyer: Not my style, Shirtless Steve. God, can I please call you that, it's so rad.
02/10/2005 Litcube: I'm trying to figure out the first sentence.
02/10/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs: Upon reread, I'm seriously confused as to how this rated so many fives. Not because of the skein thing, either - it's just not that great of a short.
02/10/2005 Mr. Pony: I love the first sentence. I was actually looking forward to this short after having seen the first sentence in the queue, and I don't usually do that.
02/10/2005 Ewan Snow: Yeah, me too. The first sentence rocks.
02/10/2005 qualcomm (4):
02/10/2005 Dylan Danko (4):
02/10/2005 John Slocum (4): Streifenbeuchelachtung: this short is bonus because of a mix of grand theme language (legacy, mortality, family, human accomplishment, etc.) with a totally mundane payoff (felt sculpture). Not much more complicated than that as I'm sure you understand. The skein/bolt thing, to slocumreichenfurstendachs, is a little irrelevant, possibly purposeful, possibly a factual error, but if the author had gotten it right (if it was a mistake) I don't think it would have made much impact on slocumlichtenfreudenlich's opinion of the short. It's dense, complex and elegantly wrought.
02/10/2005 The Rid: Streif: I, for one, find nothing wrong with threeing a short that's been fived a lot. That said, this short's awesomeness demands five. It's funny, ridiculous, arrogant and mercifully stays away from dick jokes. A winner. Personally, I think the skein/bolt thing was a purposeful goof.
02/10/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum (4): I was just about to correct the skeins ERROR, but see that strifenblob has already done so.
02/10/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: I'm surprised that folks think that skein thing was purposeful. What purpose does it serve really? In any case, I agree, Slocum, that it doesn't really matter.
02/10/2005 qualcomm: i have a feeling the author sort of knew he was misusing the word, but didn't give a shit, as it would only further the narrator's idiocy. flonase use of "prestigious."
02/10/2005 Phony Millions: Yeah, the words like 'prestigious' give it a little whiff of satire on top of the silliness.
02/10/2005 mona munt: Ich, allein, bin nicht überrascht.
02/10/2005 Mr. Pony (4): I agree with qualcomm's clarification of my original point. I think I could have give this a five if I had been ever-so-slightly more convinced of the narrator's honestly unselfconscious egocentric world view.
02/10/2005 mona munt: Herr Evans, letze Nacht habe ich dich nicht gesehen. Besuch mich doch mal.
02/10/2005 TheBuyer: Giveten unt resten, doucheburg.
02/10/2005 anonymous: qc is, as always, correct...I looked up skein when I wrote this, saw it wasn't quite right but decided it was too valuable to sacrifice (and if pressed figured I'd argue he was using long, spooled, yarn-like strips of felt, or, as suggested, he was just a moron). While I admit I knew there existed a correct word for rolled up sheets of fabric, but couldn't remember it/be bothered to look it up, had I done so (I swear) I still would've stuck with skeins. Bolt just doesn't seem as "humorous". Cube: the first sentence/graf just substitutes 'my' for 'his', so that instead of the expected cliche-generalizations about men & their legacies this guy's actually claiming all men are concerned with his own personal legacy.
02/10/2005 Phony Millions: Fraulein Munt, 'Der Verkaufer' versteht unsere Verbintnis nicht. Bis bald, susse Maus...
02/10/2005 mona munt: Klar, leider. Klar.
02/11/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs: Maybe I'm just tired of surprise endings. This one just seemed so cliche.
02/11/2005 Jon Matza: (As I mistakenly just asked about a different short): could it be you're jealous of the narrator's prestigious accomplishment in crafts?