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"What do you mean you don't like my dog?" said Sheila. "And who cares if my silverware is mismatched? That's no reason to break up!"
And she was right. She was always smarter than I was, so I came clean.
"Well," I hemmed. "I don't like the taste of your vagina."
Oh, no. I could see her face screwing up into a big "What the fuck did you just say?" look.
"What did you just say?" she spat.
"Um," I hawed. "It's your cooter. Vagina. It, uh...well, it tastes a little funky."
That one vein in her forehead stood out so far, I thought it was gonna blow.
"My cooter tastes funky? My pussy's a little off?"
I nodded; there wasn't much else to do but agree.
"What does it taste like?"
"Um…" I hesitated, "A little like balsamic vinaigrette. Which in and of itself isn't bad. But…"
Loud: "My vagina tastes like balsamic vinaigrette? What the fuck."
"Yeah." I looked around. Some of the other IHOP patrons were staring. Shit.
"What would help it, then?" she asked. "Huh? Would you like it better if it tasted like blueberries?" She stood up and unbuttoned her jeans, shoving them down with such an angry velocity, I thought they might rip.
"Wait…" I said.
"Oh, no. We're gonna do this now." She grabbed the blueberry syrup and started smearing it all over her twat. For once, I regretted she didn't wear underwear.
She took my face and stuffed it into her crotch. "How's that?" she hissed. "Better?" Sadly, it wasn't. And seeing as how lying had gotten me here, I figured telling the truth would be a better option, so I shook my head.
Pulling me back from her snatch by the scruff of my neck, she said, "Fine, then. We'll try honey."
A couple of swipes of the napkin and her love-mound was clean. Then in another few moments, she had the honey bear three inches above her clit and she was squeezing for dear life. I knew what was coming next, so I just leaned forward and started licking.
"Is it better? Is my honey-covered pussy better than my BALSAMIC VINAIGRETTE PUSSY? IS IT?"
I don't know if it was the honey or the humiliation, but I nodded. I looked up at her with a half-smile. "Yes. It's better."
I saw her relax. I looked at her pussy and saw it unclench. Honey oozed out of it as she gave me a vertical smile. We went back to our pancakes.
Date Written: January 31, 2005Comments:
Author: The Rid
Average Vote: 3
02/18/2005 Dick Vomit: This whole scenario seems somewhat...implausible.
02/18/2005 anonymous: How does the plauibility of a scenario factor in? Plausibility of scenario doesn't seem to hold a lot of water around here, IMHO.
02/18/2005 Daphne: He should have left her anyway for suggesting that blueberry-flavoured syrup tastes at all like blueberries.
02/18/2005 anonymous: It really doesn't taste of blueberries at all, does it?
02/18/2005 Dick Vomit: Not at all!
02/18/2005 Jawbreaker (4): I liked that the situation was implausible. And I'm sure it's a topic that most guys want to say to their girlfriend but just can't.
02/18/2005 The Rid: Jawbreaker, you speak the truth!
02/18/2005 Mr. Pony: I think Dick Vomit "speaks the truth". It's strange, and I know there are some pretty fantastic stories in these halls, but this short's defining characteristic seems to be its unbelievability. It's almost like a lie told by an eleven year-old, or Human Fiction written by a horny extraterrestrial. But I'm no writer; can someone tell me why I think that?
02/18/2005 anonymous: Senor Pony: I think you may be correct that there are some implausibilities in this story. Here's a breakdown: I can see a guy telling his girlfriend that her vagina may be a tad unsavory. He may be the dumbest man alive, but it's not implausible that he'd bring it up. It's also plausible that someone might try to break up before discussing it. A girl freaking out in this fashion, though unlikey, not implausible. Doing it an an IHOP? Yes, it's highly implausible. That said, I think that absurdity that exists in this story works. I mean, it works for me. 'Course, I wrote it, so what do I know? I'm happy to discuss further. Huzzah!
02/18/2005 qualcomm: i think implausibility hurts this short because a lot of its humor relies on the embarrassment of a public scene being made. since we don't buy the scene, it's not embarrassing, and therefore, not really funny.
02/18/2005 anonymous: That's humour.
02/18/2005 John Slocum: Well played, QC. Author?
02/18/2005 John Slocum: Maybe what would have made it more plausible was more detail about the reactions of the other patrons. Guests getting up to leave, someone calling over the manager, people getting stiffies, etc.
02/18/2005 Mr. Pony: That's it.
02/18/2005 Mr. Joshua: Slocum, maybe you would have enjoyed it more if the protaganist had claimed that her snatch tasted like White Zin, and then the lady is all, "Would you like it better if it tasted like 1982 Petrus?", and then she uncorks a whole fucking Jeroboam of the stuff and pours it into her crack at the IHOP, and all the customers run over to taste it cuz they've never had Petrus, let alone an '82, and certainly no fucking Jeroboam.
02/18/2005 anonymous: QC: Not an unfounded theory. But I think the narrator is embarrassed enough by his girlfriend's reaction and his subsequent subservience to her indicates that he wants it over, public setting or no.
Slocum: More patron/staff reax were removed for length. This short runs long as is, and I cut a couple grafs to get it under 500 words. Perhaps I should have removed the one reference I left in, which is an oversight.
02/18/2005 anonymous: This is triggering my food allergies.
02/18/2005 anonymous: Now that I'm thinking about it, it's probably more implausible that a guy tells his girlfriend that she "tastes bad."
02/18/2005 qualcomm (2):
02/18/2005 Litcube (3):
02/18/2005 Litcube: I found the dialogue of the female character to be believable.
02/18/2005 TheBuyer: Missed being funny on a few levels.
02/18/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (3): I enjoyed it. It was written so as to enhance its implausibility. 3.5 stars, rounded down because it was long for its content. (NOT that I dislike long shorts if they have an appropriate level of content)