home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


Paul Thomas Anderson returned to his plush hotel suite late Thursday night. He was visibly upset, but no one was there to see him, unless you consider the portrait of Fiona Apple, which rested on the nightstand, to be a living, breathing person, as he sometimes liked to imagine.

P.T., as his "friends" and sycophants liked to call him, mopily began to unbutton his cool-again cardigan sweater. He just wanted to go to sleep after a long day at work, but the unsatisfactory dailies he had just seen of his latest smarmy masterpiece wouldn't disappear from his imagination.

After downing a Tab, Anderson slipped into a loose-fitting "Avoid the Noid" t-shirt that he liked to don after a particularly grueling day. The two Mon Chi Chi's that looked back at him from across the room seemed particularly happy just then, even though he knew their expression never changed, and it put a smile on his face.

He lay down on the bed, snuggled up to a herd of My Little Ponies, and quickly fell asleep.

Date Written: February 04, 2005
Author: Turgid
Average Vote: 4.5

02/22/2005 The Rid (5): Simply because Paul Thomas Anderson is an overrated - no, fucking horrible - filmmaker and a pretentious cunt. Nice Fiona Apple nod.
02/22/2005 qualcomm: so pt anderson likes 80s memorabilia?
02/22/2005 Will Disney: man i hate this guy's movies!
02/22/2005 Mr. Pony: I don't know; I think they're fine.
02/22/2005 Jon Matza (4): Disney: yes. Cigarillo short but dragged down at the end by exactly one too many 80s references. (In THIS GUY's estimation the last line should have just been "He lay down on the bed and quickly fell asleep." Kind of like how Boogie Nights would've been infinitely better w/out the last 45 self-indulgent minutes.)
02/22/2005 Dick Vomit: Punch Drunk Love starts with promise. You think, "Hey, alright! Maybe we have something here." Then you realize it's just more of the gaystupid same.
02/22/2005 Phony Millions: You hate "Boogie Nights," Disney? "Magnolia" was reaching a little too far maybe, but...Well here's the problem with these celeb shorts; I had the same experienve when I sent up Thom Yorke on one of my own, as well as Fine Young Cannibals: People start getting sectarian about the subject of the short and forget about the short itself. I thought this had some funny moments, but was a little too transparently contemptful of PTA for my taste. The problem is that I've met the dude and he's very cool; not like this at all.
02/22/2005 qualcomm: hey matza, where exactly should BN have ended?
02/22/2005 anonymous: Evans: Name dropper! Go and lick PTA's balls.
02/22/2005 Mr. Pony: Good one, anon_a. By the way, are these insults somehow specific to Paul Thomas Anderson, or are they just suggesting that the subject is lame in a general sort of way?
02/22/2005 qualcomm: yeah, evans. oh, oh! i met orville redenbacher! he brings his custom, six-quart steam popper wherever he goes, so i'm all privy to his shit! oh!
02/22/2005 Jon Matza: qc: don't remember it well enough to say exactly...just remember enjoying the first 100 minutes or so, then getting a sinking feeling of boredom/annoyance as the endless "oooh look, here's the seamy underbelly of this lifestyle, it's time to show the characters going too far & then punish them for their excesses" sequence began. Granted, he was able to make this point in an economical four hours. Liked the full frontal gag at the very end, though (because you got to see his cock).
02/22/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs: I didn't like this one, but I have no idea who this person is, and it's possible that knowledge would make the short uproariously funny. Thus, will not vote.
02/22/2005 qualcomm: matza, you might be interested to know that diggler's downward spiral was based on the true-life downward spiral of john holmes (actually, as depicted in the much-inferior, but more verite movie wonderland, starring val k____, holmes' real life spiral was far more precipitous, ending in an infamous triple homicide). are you interested to know that? because i thought you might be.
02/22/2005 BOOTIEANDTHEHOFISH: I met John Holmes in Aruba. His dink size wasn't like a trick of light or something. He really had a big dink.
02/22/2005 Mr. Pony: Streifenbeuteldachs, I'm with you, but I have this suspicion that the author had Paul Thomas Anderson lie down in a pile of My Little Ponies simply because anyone would look foolish doing that. I mean, I might be wrong, and I hope someone corrects me, but the technique seems to be similar to this short here. Anyway, that's just what I think.
02/22/2005 qualcomm: well i for one couldn't disagree with you more, pony.
02/22/2005 anonymous: Would you Canades have preferred I write about David Cronenberg lying down amongst creepy gizmos/bloody undergarments/forceps?
02/22/2005 qualcomm: i don't understand, author. are you saying that pt anderson's movies consistently have an 80s nostalgia about them (just as cronenberg movies consistenly have creepy gizmos and forceps)? other than the period piece boogie nights, what the hell?
02/22/2005 anonymous: I was trying to characterize P.T. Anderson as being a hipster with an unhealthy (albeit common) attachment to tchotchkes. Based primarily upon his retro-fetish meisterwork Boogie Nights, yes.
02/22/2005 anonymous: Cronenberg was also the only Canadian director that came to mind for the purposes of my analogy.
02/22/2005 The Rid: I, for one, would not have appreciated a Cronenberg short, as I quite like his body of work (with a few exceptions).
02/22/2005 TheBuyer: What does being Canadian have to with anything anyhow? Just because Magnolia hasn't come out yet up here [i can't wait, by the way], we sort of know who this guy is.
02/22/2005 anonymous: Isn't Streifen Canadian? If not, I apologize. I was responding to his ignorance of Anderson.
02/22/2005 Dylan Danko: Author, are you sure you're not confusing PT with Wes with regards to the nostalgia/kitsch fetish. Boogie Nights is alright, even the last 45 minutes, if only for the appearance of Alfred Molina, but my favorite scene is that one in Magnolia when all the characters start singing that Aimee Mann song. Wow, that was clever! And really touching by which I mean the stupidest thing in the history of cineMAAAAA!!
02/22/2005 anonymous: No confusion. But I do have a bone to pick.
02/22/2005 TheBuyer: Fuck it, I'm quitting your stupid missle defense program, you can't use my bit of norad for your dirty star wars anymore, me and all my friends named Dean need it to depthsound for coho, eh. Got a smoke?
02/22/2005 Jon Matza: downward spiral
02/22/2005 Mr. Pony: qualcomm, how is it that you "couldn't disagree more" with a statement so thoroughly covered, qualified, and demanding of refutation? Don't you understand how much humility I have?
02/22/2005 qualcomm: pearl harbor, buddy
02/24/2005 Will Disney: evans, to answer your question, no, i liked boogie nights. but i hated magnolia SO MUCH that now i hate this guy. i tried watching the most recent of his movies and stopped after 10 minutes. i was flying VIRGIN at the time so it was really easy for me to switch to another movie because i had VIDEO ON DEMAND on that flight.